I am not sure that anyone has ever said this to me directly, but I feel like the world has definitely infused this message into society very strongly. Some variations on this theme are:
- You can be whatever you want to be.
- You can do whatever you set your mind to do.
- Whatever you dream of and desire in your heart, it can and will happen if you just have faith.
Well, I may have believed these things at the age of eight, or even twelve. And I may have hoped and acted on these premises at the age of sixteen or even eighteen. But now in my twenties, I know for sure that these statements are all lies.
Disclaimer: I do think that these beliefs have their place. I do believe in working hard to accomplish goals. I do not believe in giving up.
That being said, I sure wish someone would have told me that even if I want something and work towards it with all my strength, sometimes I still will not get it. TTC has taught me this. It is unfortunate that I did not learn this lesson before, as I certainly had the opportunity.
When I was a teenager I loved to dance, and I took as many ballet lessons per week as my parents would pay for and my teachers would allow. I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and I worked very, very hard. I was even talented, and I think that it would have been possible for me to succeed. But when I was fourteen, I had to have a spinal fusion surgery to correct scoliosis in my back. It was an unpleasant six months, but I got through it, and now I hardly ever think about my scoliosis and it has no impact on my daily life. (Praise God!) But it made me much less flexible in my back, and there came a point when I was seventeen when I knew I would never be a dancer. I had reached a point where I could not bend in ways the other girls in my class did, and if I danced for over ten hours a week, my back hurt to a point I could not handle. I had to stop dancing and develop new goals and dreams. This was the first real loss in my life. I know that many people deal with much worse, but I can easily say that going through surgery and recovery was nothing compared to not being able to dance the way I wanted to.
So there... this should have been my first clue that trying hard is not always enough. But I mentally moved on to my still greater goal of being a wife and a mother and having a large family. I knew that to have a career in dance it is pretty impossible to have kids in your early twenties. I had always felt conflicted about these two dreams of mine. But when God closed the dance door, and simultaneously presented me with a wonderful, loving relationship with my now-husband, I was sure that this was the new door that God was opening or pointing out to me. The thought that both of my plans would be thwarted never occurred to me. The thought that my body could betray me twice and deny me the only two things I ever wanted it to do for me was just not something that seemed realistic to me. I believed that God loved me too much for that.
Well, the truth of the matter is that God does love me too much for that. God wants me to be happy, and to have the things that I want that are in his plan and will. But I still have to deal with the fact that we live in a fallen world, and things happen. My dad has been trying to teach me this lesson my entire life, but I think I'm beginning to get it. Life is not fair. And this has nothing to do with good or bad, or the existence or love of God. It is just true. Life is not fair. Some people have things that others are denied, and there is no reason for it. Sometimes as hard as you work for something you will never get it. That does not mean that you should not continue working for it.
Life is not fair.
You may never get what you desire no matter how hard you work.
You should still fight and work for the things you want in life.
God still loves you, and life still has meaning.
Even if I never get the things that I desire in life, I want to trust that God does have a plan for me that will be fulfilling.
