Through the Eyes of a Toddler

Dedicated to my own sweet toddler

When I was a baby I got everything I wanted. When I was hungry I cried, and my mother took me and fed me. When I was tired I cried my little tired cry, and someone who loved me would cuddle me to sleep. When I was feeling uncomfortable I cried, and one of my parents would give me a fresh diaper. And then I would feel hungry again, and all I had to do was ask.

My Experience with Breastfeeding in Public

When I first brought my baby girl home from the hospital, like most new moms, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't go out and breastfeed on-the-go for at least a couple weeks, mostly because I didn't know how to do it. Between the tiny baby, the awkward cover-up blankets, and the fact that I was still working out the kinks of breastfeeding to begin with, it just felt daunting. Add to that the worry that those around me might feel awkward, stare, or react in some way I could't predict to me feeding my baby, and I just wanted to stay home. Eventually I ventured out with my baby and my little blankets to cover up with, and as time went on I got more and more comfortable. These days I breastfeed pretty much whenever or wherever I want to, sometimes I ditch the blanket, and I feel pretty secure in almost any setting.

Breastfeeding in public... just throw the phrase out there in a room of parents and everyone will have an opinion. If I am honest people on both polar sides of the issue strike a nerve with me. On one hand there are those who would rather a mother remove herself from just about any social situation before she discretely nurse her child while out and about. On the other hand there are the mothers who seem to imply from their loud cries for equality and fairness that all "truly liberated and self-confident" women should feel comfortable just sitting down and nursing, cover or no cover, in any setting regardless of who else is there or what is going on! I find myself (as always) somewhere in the middle of the issue, but unclear as to exactly what I think at times. This post is just a few of my thoughts and experiences on breastfeeding in public.

I was raised with a strong sense of modesty when it comes to dress and appearance, but I also believe in doing what is best for my kid no matter what those around me think. So sometimes I choose to be discreet because it makes me feel more comfortable, but sometimes I just do what is best for my baby and feed her wherever and whenever she expresses hunger. There are of course situations that have come up that have made me feel uncomfortable. Some of the more uncomfortable moments have included:

Don't Over-Think It: 7 Breastfeeding Tips for New Moms

One blessing of parenting so far for us has been the ease with which both my daughter and I have been able to breastfeed. Knowing that breastfeeding is a challenge for many women and babies, I feel so fortunate and thankful that it came naturally for us. I love the breastfeeding relationship I have with my daughter, the ease, simplicity, and affordability with which I can feed her, and the knowledge that what has turned into the simplest way to feed her is also providing great nutrition and health benefits. From a practical standpoint, breastfeeding can't be beat for our family. And from a personal standpoint, I love spending that time with my baby every day. As she gets older and is on the go much of the time, I appreciate that breastfeeding gives me an excuse to hold her and bond with her. I can see how easy it would be for those moments to slide away if I didn't have that built in cuddle time every day.

Before my daughter was born I worried non-stop that I would not be able to breastfeed. I heard so many stories about women who had difficulty producing milk or whose babies struggled to breastfeed properly. I spent a lot of time worrying about the what-ifs. But I was very fortunate that when the time came, I ran into no remarkable struggles. Looking back, I wish I had heard more positive stories that reassured me that for most women, breastfeeding comes naturally and works well. After breastfeeding for 10 months now, I thought I would share some encouraging and positive tips with new moms and mothers-to-be.

The Sweet Side of Separation Anxiety

"Mama, Mamama... Mamaaa..." my little 10-month-old calls for me as she crawls around our new, bigger home, searching to see where I wandered off to this time. I come out to find her and see her on all fours, pattering around the kitchen (clearly where she thinks I usually am) looking for me. She sees me, her face lights up, she aims for me, and her crawling speed doubles as she heads towards me with everything she has. She gets to me, grabs my jeans, and pulls up to standing using my legs for support. Smiling up at me she continues to say, "Mamama! Mama!" until I pick her up. How adorable! Irresistible, right?

I do love it - the knowledge that my daughter finds my presence comforting and reassuring. She has always been such an independent and curious little girl that I have never thought of her as being clingy or a "Mama's girl." But her 10-month-birthday comes after almost a month of transitions: weeks spent packing our home into boxes and storing all our furniture, a two-day road trip, two weeks in our hometown visiting family and friends, and then moving into a new house that is much bigger than our old apartment. Our new home also means that she is in her own room for the first time ever (even though when she wakes up at night she is welcomed into our bed). It is a lot of change for her! And now I read that 10 months is the typical time for babies to experience separation anxiety.

So who can blame her for always needing to know where her parents are, or clinging to us hoping that we won't wander off again? It is only natural. Who can blame her for crying when we put her in her car seat? Sometimes the ride is short, but sometimes it is hours long, and how can she know the difference? Who can blame her for clinging to what is familiar, what she knows, or what she feels safe with? I understand - she needs me. She needs us. She needs familiarity, security, and comfort. And I feel blessed to be able to give her that.

Now if I am being honest, I do not always react positively to my daughter's clinginess. She grabs my legs as described above constantly, she would rather be held than anything else, she pulls at my lips and plays with my hair and digs her little baby nails into my skin as she tries to use me as a baby jungle gym. When my husband comes home for lunch or at the end of the day, sometimes I tell him that all I want is 20 minutes of time where nobody touches me. All I want is a few consecutive moments of personal space.

Parenting at 60 Decisions Per Minute

I have never been good at making decisions. I always agonize over any set of options. From the seemingly easy choices like which ice cream flavor I should go with to the harder things like trying to decide how to spend vacation time or how many hours a week to commit to working, decision making has always caused me stress. Anyone who has shopped with me in Vera Bradley knows this - I will go into the store knowing exactly what I want and be there for an hour trying to decide if that's what I really want to do.

People who are decisive make me envious. I have no idea what it would feel like to just know what I wanted to do all the time and do it without having to deliberate, discuss, sleep on it, and repeat.

I have made a discovery over the past year that will probably come as a surprise to no one - parenting is all about making decisions. All day long, all the time. As my daughter gets older, I find myself making more decisions and having to make them faster. It can be overwhelming!

There's the obvious, big decisions. Vaccines? What to feed her? Sleep training or co-sleeping or both? Very soon we'll be making decisions about disciplining methods, and eventually schooling, and it goes on and on. At least with those decisions you see them coming. You plan them in advance, do research, have conversations, pray about it, and then continually review and revise your decision as time goes on. Those decisions are hard, but they don't take you too much by surprise.

Sleeping Well Without Sleep Training

When you have your first baby nothing will have prepared you for the havoc that baby will wreak on your sleep. People talk all the time about how little sleep parents of newborns get. People say silly things like, "Sleep extra now while you can" or "Store up lots of sleep before the baby gets here." If you are expecting a baby, you will be warned many times about the sleep deprivation in your future, but you won't be prepared. Nothing can really prepare you for not sleeping, and nothing can really fix the fact that you will go through those first few months with hardly any sleep to fall back on.

Of course, it does get better. But  while I'm guessing that no other phase is quite like the first couple months, parenthood in general is not a time of carefree, plentiful sleep.

Almost four months ago I wrote this post: Sleep Training - Yes or No? Four months ago I had a sweet little baby who was capable of sleeping for 7 hours at a time, (or going 7 hours without nursing), but could not put herself to sleep at all. Every single time she woke up during the night she cried, and either my husband or I would have to get up and help lull her back to sleep. Then when she did fall back asleep, about 90% of the time, if you set her down in her crib she would wake up and continue to cry.

It was hard. We talked about sleep training daily, but we didn't want to do it. Like I discussed in my post, it didn't feel right for us and it didn't feel right for her. We ended up coming up with a somewhat awkward co-sleeping arrangement involving the couch, my husband and I not sleeping in the same bed for a while, and our daughter essentially being held all night long while she slept. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get her to sleep in her crib.

Do You Ever Wish You Were a More "Attached" or "Crunchier" Parent?

Sometimes I find myself wishing there was a parenting philosophy out there that I completely identified with. I know I am not alone in this, but for some reason, I love to label myself. I always want to know exactly where I fit, who I am like, and whose advice is going to most closely meld with my own way of thinking. There is a sense of comfort in knowing where you belong, in having others out there to identify with. It is natural to want to fit in with some group or another.

Everyone has different ones I'm sure, but for me, "attachment parenting" and "crunchy mama" are two examples of labels I have found myself wishing I could identify with more from time to time.

Let me pause and just define my understanding of those "labels."  Attachment parenting is a parenting philosophy that is gaining a lot of popularity. The three main components as far as I can tell are breastfeeding, baby wearing, and co-sleeping, and the main idea is that keeping your baby close to you helps you respond quickly and easily to your baby's needs. And as for being "crunchy," I think the idea is being natural, environmentally friendly, simple and down-to-earth in your lifestyle choices.

I feel like these identities are almost seen as status symbols sometimes - I know I am tempted to see them that way. I find myself thinking that I should cloth diaper or garden or wear my baby in a carrier, but secretly, on the inside, I don't want to do any of those things. I tried gardening and it was hard to stick with. I do want to be an attachment parent. I want to live a natural, simple life. I want to do what is healthiest for my family. But when I listen to the hard core attachment parents or crunchy mothers out there, I always feel like I don't quite belong. And yet I know I'm not "mainstream," right?

I continually need to remind myself of several things. I need to remind myself that -

When Did I Become an Attachment Parent?

Isn't she adorable? Isn't she precious? Of course she is! Sure, sometimes my little lady is exhausting. Sometimes she makes some significant messes. Sometimes I just want to hand her to my husband and have a few minutes to just sit. But even during these times, part of me always wants to be near her.

It's Not About Baby Wearing

The other day I was out for a walk with my daughter. She was in the stroller, was content, and was happy to look around her at everything. Being an October baby, she hadn't had much of an opportunity to see the outdoors until the past week or so. After what seemed like a winter that lasted forever, it has finally been warm enough to get outdoors comfortably, and we were both enjoying the sunshine.

I walked past another mom, out with her baby, and she was wearing her baby in a carrier. I am almost ashamed to admit that the first thoughts that ran through  my head went something like this, "Oh no, I'm sure she's judging me for having my baby in a stroller and not wearing her! She probably thinks I'm a horrible mother. I wish she knew that I love having my daughter in a carrier, but it hurts my back too much. I wish I could tell her about my back surgery when I was a teenager." And then of course I realized how ridiculous I was being... she was a stranger. She surely doesn't really care about my stroller or my baby-wearing woes, and I'll bet it never occurred to her to judge me either.

Whew! When did I get so insecure and defensive?