Scoliosis Story - Part 1: Unanswered Prayers

I think I was 13 years old when I first found out that I would have to have surgery on my back. I had scoliosis, a serious case of it, and while we had discussed bracing and other options with a doctor, it sounded like surgery was going to be inevitable.

When you are a teenager the prospect of major surgery sounds like a disaster. It's scary, it's confusing, and you worry that you won't be able to be "normal" (which is, of course, the most important thing to be in high school). I was a dancer too, so any interruption to my dance training felt like it would be a complete disaster. All my friends that I took classes with would be ahead of me... I would have to take six months off from dancing after the surgery, and then it would take me six more months to work up to where I had been... I would be a whole year behind! I was a teenager... I had limited perspective, and I was very competitive. I thought this would be the end of my world.

Babies, Prayers, and Sunday Mornings

A couple weeks ago I looked at my daughter as we sat down for dinner and had an idea. She had been imitating a lot of things we did recently, intentionally trying to do what we were doing and be like Mommy and Daddy. So I looked at her and said, "Sweetie, can you fold your hands like this? Let's fold our hands and pray" and I folded my hands so she could see. Jonathan caught on right away and made a big exaggerated hand folding gesture too. We both sat there and watched her with our hands folded. She looked back and forth between the two of us for a few minutes and then she smiled really big and folded her hands too! We praised her, then bowed our heads and said the before-dinner prayer.

Now she has the routine down. She even bows her head, and when we say "amen" she applauds and smiles. It melts my heart! It makes me think she could have learned this even earlier. Several times she has even folded her hands and looked at me when I put her in her high chair, reminding me that it is time to pray. She is barely 1, and already, she can learn about Jesus!

Faith and Family Series - Jonathan's Family

After a couple Mondays off, I would like to return to the Faith and Family series for a special edition post! I have always wanted to feature my husband as a guest-poster and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. As the spiritual head of our family, what he has to say on this topic is very important to me, and I am excited to be able to introduce my husband, Jonathan, first-hand to my readers.

Also, today is his birthday, so what more fitting way to say "happy birthday" than to give him the floor and let him share about our family?

Pregnancy, Adoption, Our Plans, and God's Plans

Two years ago Jonathan and I were preparing to move to a new city where I would start a new job and he would start at a new school. We had just graduated from college and were in a time of transition. Two years ago we were also staring infertility in the face. We had been trying to conceive for over a year and had absolutely nothing to show for it except a lot of stress, tears, and confusion. I was turning 22 years old, and while others my age either had starting a family on the far horizon or were already having children, I was in crisis realizing that my own plans and expectations were not going to be met. I felt so lonely; no one I knew was facing this, and I thought that no one understood what I was going through.

Faith and Family Series - Jennifer's Family

For my third post in the Faith and Family series I would like to introduce you to Jennifer. Jennifer was my next-door-neighbor for the past year, and it was such a joy get to know her and her beautiful family. Her kids are funny and sweet, and I had many fascinating conversations with them outside our apartment building over the past year. I am very grateful to Jennifer for taking the time to do this, even while she was in the middle of a big move and transition for her family.

Let's go to the questions!

Faith and Family Series - Kimberly's Family

My second post in the Faith and Family series features my cousin, Kim. She lives with her husband and kids in Texas, and although I don't see her often, I love keeping up with her beautiful family on Facebook. Her passion for her faith and her kids is contagious, as I'm sure you will be able to tell!

Let's jump into the questions!

Faith and Family Series - Melissande's Family

For the first post in my Faith and Family series, I am excited to introduce my friend Melissande. She has a beautiful family with four great kids and blogs at Growing Roots. I love reading her posts - they are always beautifully written, positive and insightful, and I'm very excited to have her participate in this series!

I asked a series of questions about how Melissande and her husband, Greg, integrate their faith into their family life. I really enjoyed hearing what she had to say!

Faith and Family Guest Interview Series

 "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." ~ Deuteronomy 6:6-7

When you sit at home, when you're out and about, before bed, in the morning... all the time. This is how often we are to talk and think about God and his Word. Wow! That's a tall order, and one that I know I can constantly improve upon.

The context of Deuteronomy 6 is that God is giving the Law to his people, the Israelites. He is instructing them that the Law is good, that it is valuable, and that it is something that they are to pass down to their children and their children's children. As Christians living every day in the light of the resurrection, we are blessed to be able to share those truths with our children. As a parent, I want more than anything for my daughter to know Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior and have the Holy Spirit working faith in her heart. As Paul says, 

"For faith comes by hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." ~ Romans 10:17

Searching for "Home"

My little family celebrated Easter weekend by travelling to Michigan to visit our larger family and friends and to worship at our home church. I always love going back "home." I have wonderful family who I enjoy very much, great friends who always make time for me whenever I am able to be in town, and I love the way we come back to visit and it seems as though we never left in terms of relationships with those we are closest to.

With our Easter trip still fresh in my mind and Call Day fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be "home," where "home" really is, and the reality of this life we have chosen. Jonathan will find out a week from today where he will be serving for his vicarage (which is like a one-year internship as part of his four-year MDiv program), so we will find out in a week where we will be living the next year of our life, and it could be anywhere in the country! And then once he graduates from seminary in two years, we could be placed anywhere for his first call as a pastor. While all that is exciting, it is also pretty terrifying, especially for someone like me, who still longs to live near home and near family and friends.

Charm Bracelet Giveaway!

On Monday I posted this post about how important I feel it is for me to remember the past several years and the experience my husband and I had with infertility. While I know that we are incredibly blessed to have our little girl, I don't want to forget what it was like to wait and wonder and hope and pray day after day and month after month. Infertility has changed me. It is part of my story now, part of the way I view my family, and part of they way I view my future.

One of the blessings I have experienced over the past several years is the women I have met along the way. I have been fortunate to have a great support group of ladies, many of whom I met online. Today's giveaway is a result of those connections.

3 Great Reasons for Bible Time with Daddy

It was always our hope to have a time every day from "day one" where Jonathan could read the Bible to our children. Once we actually had a baby, we realized the idea of having a routine from "day one" was a little far-fetched, but somewhere around the 3 or 4 month mark we were able to start the routine of reading The Beginner's Bible to our daughter in the evenings before bed time. Occasionally she falls asleep before we get to Bible time, and that's okay, we put her in her crib and let it be. But I love the sight of my husband sitting with my little girl, reading her Bible stories while she reaches for the pages and tries to get them in her mouth.

Here are just a few of the reasons why we decided to make this "Bible Time" a priority from the beginning: 

9 Reasons Why I Can't Wait to Homeschool My Kids

I was homeschooled through 10th grade, and I loved every year. I know not everyone who was homeschooled can say that, and I know it may not be for everyone, but I treasure my childhood, and I am passionate about homeschooling and passing that blessing along to my children. When my mother started homeschooling it was even less common than it is today, and it was somewhat untested. Today, my generation of homeschool kids have grown up, and we can now tell our story with perspective.

If you are considering homeschooling, here are some reasons why I can't wait to homeschool my kids, from the perspective of a grown-up homeschool kid:

New Year, New Focus

I started this blog when I was in the midst of our infertility struggle. I started it as a place to express my emotions, to share my journey with others who might be going through their own struggles, and to keep myself accountable to trust in God, even in the hard times.

I have been blessed to hear from several friends and other individuals who have read this blog, and it warms my heart to hear that our journey has been helpful or uplifting to others as they also learn to trust through their own hard times. If God can use my story to help others, I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of that.

Today things are different. Today I am holding the most precious and sweet 3-month-old baby girl in my arms, and I can't believe I am actually here. Although my infertility story has a happy ending (for now), this is also a time of beginnings. And you know what? I am still working hard on the "learning to trust" thing.

Apparently parenting is difficult! (Why didn't someone warn me? Oh wait, I think everyone did!) Parenting while one parent is in grad school is tricky. Living 500 miles away from family and friends is hard, but once you have a baby it gets much harder! And being married to a future pastor with no idea where you'll be living in a few years, well, if that isn't an exercise in trust, I don't know what is! I am realizing more and more that trusting God is not a skill that I am going to master, but a habit that I have to practice daily to maintain. And there is no way I can do that without God's help.

I honestly don't know where I am going with this blog, but although I have learned a lot and grown a lot of over the past few years, I know there is always more to learn and grow in. I want to continue to write about trusting God through the daily struggles of life. I will probably still write about infertility, because that will always be a part of my story and I feel passionately that we need to talk about it more and be more aware of couples going through it. But I will also start writing about other topics related to faith, family, and trusting God.

That is, if this sweet little girl in my arms gives me time!

What I've Learned: God's Faitfulness

As I look back over the past year of my life I can't help but be amazed and how blessed I am. If you asked me what "best case scenario" would be last Christmas, I probably would have described exactly what transpired over this last year. We got pregnant on our very first medicated cycle; how very fortunate we were! And Charis is such a wonderful blessing! There are no words to describe the love and joy that we feel to have her in our lives. What a gift.

I've been thinking lately about what I've learned through this past year and the experience of infertility over the past few years. I've been trying to think about on what I've learned about God, about trusting him, and how my faith has grown through this. It is very hard to put my finger on. It would be easy to say that I have learned to trust God even when I don't see why certain things happen because He has a perfect, better plan that is better than anything I can ever imagine. That would be easy, and you might believe it. But I don't think I would. Because the truth is, I am so grateful for Charis, but there are other things going on in my life, and I knew the future will hold other struggles, and those struggles are still hard. It is still hard for me to feel peaceful and trusting and content about every aspect of my life. I still desire to control things and wish that I could have things exactly my way. And I don't know why infertility happened to me. I don't exactly see why it was necessary. While I trust God to love me and care for me, I don't think that everything in my life will be the way I want it to be all the time. And I am still learning to trust that God's plan will be better than my plan, because my plans always sound really great to me at the time. 

It is almost a Christian cliche, the idea that if you pray enough, wait long enough, have enough faith, etc. then God will give you whatever you are asking for. I think that having faith in God's providence and care for you, praying to him for the desires of your heart, and waiting patiently are all great things. I think God wants us to do those things. But I know that we will never have faith, wait patiently, or trust in God perfectly. We will never have enough faith or pray fervently enough to deserve anything from God. We cannot make God act. God chooses to act. God does know what is best for us, sometimes it is what we thought we wanted and sometimes it is not, and sometimes bad things happen just because and there is no reason for it at all.

The good news is that God knows that we will never trust him perfectly, he knows that our faith can always be stronger and we can always be more patient. His Holy Spirit living in us is what allows our faith to grow and our patience to increase. The good news is that even when our faith is not strong and when we doubt, God is faithful anyway. God loves us and desires to bless us, and he does so despite our imperfect faith, impatience and doubts.

I think that is what I have learned: even when I am not faithful, even when I do not trust God the way I should, God is always faithful. His love and the way he has blessed me this past year is overwhelming.

As it is Advent, I was listening to a sermon recently about Zechariah. That account from Luke 1 simply blows me away, and I think summarizes what I've learned in this journey about God. In this story Zechariah and Elizabeth are childless, and long to have a child. While Zechariah is serving in the temple , God sends Gabriel, an angel, to tell Zechariah that Elizabeth will have a son. Their son will be John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus' ministry. When Zechariah hears that God has heard their prayer and is going to answer it, he does not believe it. He doubts God's faithfulness. We've all done that in our own lives, and I know I've been there over the course of this journey. But notice what happens next... God still blesses Zechariah. God doesn't say, "Fine, you didn't believe me. You doubted my love. Your faith is lacking. No kid for you." Sure, Gabriel points out Zechariah's lack of faith, and Zechariah is unable to speak until the baby is born. But God still gives them a baby! God is still faithful to Zechariah despite Zechariah's doubts and unfaithfulness.

And another note about Zechariah and Elizabeth, check out Luke 1:6-7: "And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.  But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years." The Bible says that Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous and blameless before God - it wasn't anything they did wrong that caused their infertility, it wasn't a lack of faith that kept them from having a baby, and the reason that they had no child had nothing to do with God or them. The Bible just says that they had no child because Elizabeth was barren. Things just happen. And although it seemed to take forever, and ultimately Zechariah and Elizabeth gave up hope, God was faithful to them and chose to bless them with a child. 

This story doesn't just apply to infertility. We all have things that we ask God for, things that we feel are missing in our lives, and we all struggle with trusting God at times. We want things to be the way we want them to be. But even when we are not faithful, God always is. And even though that may mean an answer to our prayer today, or it may not, we can rely on God's faithfulness. 

Baptized into Christ

Charis was baptized this past Sunday, November 24th. What a beautiful, miraculous moment that was! 

Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14) We believe that in the waters of baptism God sent his Holy Spirit to work faith in Charis' heart so that she can have a saving faith and relationship with her heavenly Father even before she is old enough to understand what that means. After all, we all have flawed understanding and none of us can do anything to participate in our salvation. It is indeed a wonderful blessing that God promises to be with us from the moment of our baptism on, giving us confidence in our salvation in a way that we could never be confident if having faith was "up to us" or something we had to do. 

I have been looking forward to the moment Charis would be baptized since before I knew I was expecting her. Baptisms are such powerful events that I have always teared up when seeing infants baptized in church - I couldn't wait to share that moment with my own children and start on that path of helping my child discover their faith and learn about God. 

Jonathan and I are both very excited about teaching Charis about God and what Jesus has done for her, and reminding her of God's gifts and promises to her in her baptism as she grows older. As we talked about baptism and how we hope to raise Charis and any future children, we both agreed that we hope to make a big deal about our children's baptismal birthdays. After all, baptism is a big deal and should be celebrated! One's baptismal birthday is in many ways more significant than one's actual birthday. On her birthday Charis was born into a sinful world already a sinner, already separated from God for all eternity. The only hope for her was Jesus Christ and the fact that He came and died and rose for her that she could live with Him for all eternity. In her baptism, Charis died to her old sinful self and was re-born into Christ. Still a sinner, but also a saint, also one who is redeemed and one with a saving faith in Jesus and what he has done for her. We were all designed to be in a relationship with God. On her baptismal birthday Charis was born into who she was designed to be. That is worth celebrating! 

As we were talking about the ways we might celebrate or commemorate our children's baptismal birthdays, we discussed whether it would be a good occasion to mark with presents. The two best days in a kid's life tend to be Christmas and their birthday, because on these days they get presents! Presents seem to be the way our culture marks days and holidays as significant and important. I thought about giving presents for baptismal birthdays, but not only does that not seem practical (and honestly the thought of another day of the year to bring stuff into my home makes me cringe - I'm already somewhat dreading the takeover of stuff and toys that will probably mark the next era of my life if I'm not careful), but it also doesn't seem right to me that presents and acquiring more material possessions are necessary to mark a day as special. That's not how I want to raise my kids. Don't get me wrong, I do love to get presents on my birthday, and I love presents at Christmas, but that's plenty! 

After some consideration, we came up with an alternative to presents that will hopefully help us mark these days as special. We are thinking of celebrating baptismal birthdays with family outings or other fun, family events. Something like a trip to the zoo, putt putt golfing, laser tag, going to a movie, or another fun activity that the whole family can enjoy and that will still be something we do not always have the opportunity to do. I know we have a while to figure these things out, but it's good to start thinking ahead. And of course, we will both strive to remind Charis of her baptism daily, not just once a year. After all, no other day in her life will ever be more significant. 

Praise God for all His blessings to us and our little girl! 

Our Miracle

I realize it has been a long time since my last post. But it is finally time to share our news. The Clomid and HCG we tried in January worked, and by the grace of God, I feel so incredibly blessed to say these words that I had all but given up hope of saying: I AM PREGNANT!

If you look at my recent posts, you can see that we really did not think this Clomid plan would work. I don't know if the doctor was right or wrong when he gave us an 8% chance, but even if he was off, our baby is nothing short of a miracle. We were absolutely shocked but absolutely delighted when I finally got that positive pregnancy test in February. To tell the truth, we were not sure if we would try this again the next month. We had discussed adoption, thought through strategies for financing adoption, and I had filled out the preliminary application for the adoption agency. We agreed that after this cycle we would mail in the application. I can't believe how amazing God's timing is!

I have just been overwhelmed these past two months by how good, loving, and amazing is our God! I want to say I trusted Him every step of the way, but that would be a lie. Despite my imperfect faith and my imperfect trust, God has chosen to bless us with this incredible gift of a baby. God really is good. Even when we give up, He never does. Words cannot express what I'm feeling, but this I know for sure. God is good. All the time. Regardless of how crazy, dark, or uncertain our lives may seem, God always loves us, and He is always good. This may sound easy to say now, when God has answered my prayers, but honestly, this would be true and is true whether God answers my prayers today, tomorrow, or never. He is good. And He loves us so much! And Jonathan and I are incredibly blessed by His goodness to be expecting our miracle baby in October.

Perspective

Never Take for Granted...

I must say, the past year or so has taught me so much, and provided me with a lot of perspective on life. Things that I used to take for granted, I now treasure. Things that I used to find terrifying are now no longer so scary. Things that I thought "just happened" I will never, ever take for granted.

If you know me well you might remember what my "biggest fear" is (or was). I used to say that one of my biggest fears in life was having all sons. I used to picture myself married with three or more boys and I just didn't know how I would survive being the only female in a household. I didn't think I could do it. Now, obviously I knew on some level that if indeed God chose to bless me with three or four or more sons and a great husband I would probably be happy. But I still thought it was terrifying. I always wanted my first child to be a girl just so that fear could be put to rest right away.

Not any more. Now I don't care at all. Boys, girls, whatever. Any children that God chooses to bless me with I will be ecstatic about. I am sure I would have before, but now that image no longer scares me. New perspective.

I think I always just assumed that I would get married, finish college, and start having kids. It was always in my mind and I never thought about it twice. (Okay, it did occur to me that it might not happen right away, or that it might be challenging, but I always just assumed it would happen one way or another.) So many people do get married and just have kids, and it is easy for them. I see the pictures on Facebook, and I am incredibly happy for these people, but a part of me always wonders if they really, truly appreciate how blessed they are. I'll bet that many of them do, but sometimes when things just happen we don't always realize how fortunate we are, and we don't take a moment to think that other people do not have these same blessings.

This made me wonder what things in my life do I have that others do not have? Are there blessings in my life that I sometimes take for granted? For all of us, the answer to these questions will probably always be 'Yes'. Maybe it's a good idea to take some time out and thank God for all of His blessings.

• I have parents who loved me and raised me in the church - such a blessing. I would not be who I am today without them. Everyone has parents, but not everyone had a childhood as happy and amazing as mine, or parents who raised them like mine did. I should never take that for granted, but should thank God (and my parents too) for that! 

• I have the most amazing husband ever - so lucky and blessed! I still don't know why such a wonderful guy loves me, or what he saw in me to ever decide to ask me out in the first place, but I know that I have an incredible husband and marriage.  I cannot think of a single thing that could be better in our relationship or a single thing I would change about my man. He is an incredible husband, is going to make a wonderful pastor and I know he will be such a great dad some day. Many people are not as fortunate as I am. I should never take him for granted. 

• I have some amazing friends. Friends who have maintained long distance relationships for years, and area always there for me when I need to talk. 

• I have a job. I'm 22 and I have a good job. In this economy, 'nuff said. 

• I have a really  nice place to live. My husband may be a grad student, but we are very blessed by the generosity of many people who support us while he is here at the seminary. 

I could go on forever, and maybe I will, but if you're reading this, instead of reading a long, long list of the ways that I have been blessed in my life think of the ways that you have been blessed in yours. What are some things that many people do not have that you take for granted every day? 

A New Work

To update, we had some bad news recently. We have been trying a medication for a few months now and it looks like it may not be working. Right now things don't seem great, and we are going month to month knowing each month that there is only a very, very small chance of getting pregnant. We do have a consultation at a new fertility clinic towards the end of October, so that is something to look forward to. I am hoping to get some answers and a game plan in place very soon. I have hoped for that before with no success, but hopefully the doctors will have enough to go on this time to give us some concrete information and suggestions.

I've been doing pretty well the past week or so, all things considered. The weather is beautiful, I love my new job, and I just got home from a shopping trip at the mall! So life is okay, and parts of it are very good.

I have been taking a class called "After the Boxes are Unpacked" here at the seminary on Tuesday nights. The point of the class is to help the 'sem wives' adjust after moving, get to know each other, and make friends. We talk about how hard it is to pick up and move away from home, etc. For me, moving here was really not very hard. I was already living far away from family and friends, so it was not as traumatic a move as many other families experienced. I thought it was a pretty easy transition, actually. But the class has still been very helpful for me when I think about my TTC journey.

Last Tuesday we talked about some of the things that it was hard to let go of when moving. I thought that this did not really apply to me at first, since I really did not let go of anything during this last move. But I think what I need to let go of is an idea and not a physical thing in this case. I always pictured myself living here while my husband attended seminary having and raising kids. Now that I am here and I do not have any children it is really nothing like what I imagined. I think it is hard for me to let go of what I thought this part of our lives would look like, which is making it hard for me to truly enjoy what we do have right now. I see other couples who move here and are pregnant, or have brand new babies, and I think "that should have been us." I know that is a horrible way to think, but it happens. I really want to be able to enjoy the time we have here, and enjoy all the good things we have going on in our lives right now. And I do notice them and appreciate them. But at the same time, I know that until I have children, I am always going to be missing something. There's just no way around it.

These are two verses that were shared in this class over the past two weeks. Even though I was listening to those verses with a different spin on them than the rest of the class, I found them to be very encouraging.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever." ~Ephesians 20-21

These verses remind me of God's power over all creation and that He, the God who created the whole world, is also at work in each of us. I desire very much to start a family, and I am going to continue to work towards that goal. But I also want to be open-minded to look for what God may be trying to do in my life through this. I do want to trust Him. This is definitely much easier said than done, but -

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~ Philippians 4:13

If You Work Hard Enough...

... you can accomplish anything.

I am not sure that anyone has ever said this to me directly, but I feel like the world has definitely infused this message into society very strongly.  Some variations on this theme are:

• You can be whatever you want to be.
• You can do whatever you set your mind to do.
• Whatever you dream of and desire in your heart, it can and will happen if you just have faith.

I feel like that last point is the theme of just about every Disney movie that I saw as a little girl.  While I may not have admitted that I believed this at any given point in my life, I think that I always hoped and trusted that this would be true.  I hoped that if I wanted something badly enough, was willing to work hard for it, and just kept going, that I could really be or do or have anything.  Is that the American Dream?  I'm not sure, but it sure feels like it is on the curriculum in our nation's schools! 

Well, I may have believed these things at the age of eight, or even twelve.  And I may have hoped and acted on these premises at the age of sixteen or even eighteen.  But now in my twenties, I know for sure that these statements are all lies. 

Disclaimer:  I do think that these beliefs have their place.  I do believe in working hard to accomplish goals.  I do not believe in giving up.

That being said, I sure wish someone would have told me that even if I want something and work towards it with all my strength, sometimes I still will not get it.  TTC has taught me this.  It is unfortunate that I did not learn this lesson before, as I certainly had the opportunity.

When I was a teenager I loved to dance, and I took as many ballet lessons per week as my parents would pay for and my teachers would allow.  I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and I worked very, very hard.  I was even talented, and I think that it would have been possible for me to succeed.  But when I was fourteen, I had to have a spinal fusion surgery to correct scoliosis in my back.  It was an unpleasant six months, but I got through it, and now I hardly ever think about my scoliosis and it has no impact on my daily life. (Praise God!)  But it made me much less flexible in my back, and there came a point when I was seventeen when I knew I would never be a dancer.  I had reached a point where I could not bend in ways the other girls in my class did, and if I danced for over ten hours a week, my back hurt to a point I could not handle.  I had to stop dancing and develop new goals and dreams.  This was the first real loss in my life.  I know that many people deal with much worse, but I can easily say that going through surgery and recovery was nothing compared to not being able to dance the way I wanted to. 

So there... this should have been my first clue that trying hard is not always enough.  But I mentally moved on to my still greater goal of being a wife and a mother and having a large family.  I knew that to have a career in dance it is pretty impossible to have kids in your early twenties.  I had always felt conflicted about these two dreams of mine.  But when God closed the dance door, and simultaneously presented me with a wonderful, loving relationship with my now-husband, I was sure that this was the new door that God was opening or pointing out to me.  The thought that both of my plans would be thwarted never occurred to me.  The thought that my body could betray me twice and deny me the only two things I ever wanted it to do for me was just not something that seemed realistic to me.  I believed that God loved me too much for that.

Well, the truth of the matter is that God does love me too much for that.  God wants me to be happy, and to have the things that I want that are in his plan and will.  But I still have to deal with the fact that we live in a fallen world, and things happen.  My dad has been trying to teach me this lesson my entire life, but I think I'm beginning to get it.  Life is not fair.  And this has nothing to do with good or bad, or the existence or love of God.  It is just true.  Life is not fair.  Some people have things that others are denied, and there is no reason for it.  Sometimes as hard as  you work for something you will never get it.  That does not mean that you should not continue working for it.

Life is not fair.

You may never get what you desire no matter how hard you work.

You should still fight and work for the things you want in life.

God still loves you, and life still has meaning.

Even if I never get the things that I desire in life, I want to trust that God does have a plan for me that will be fulfilling.

Hannah

When I consider turning to the Bible for comfort and truth about TTC and infertility I find myself repeatedly thinking of Hannah and turning to the opening chapter of Samuel.  I have always been puzzled by this story.  There is a lot going on!  This passage deals with things from the persistance of prayer to bargaining with God, and I've always found it to be hard to study.  But in the past few months it has had renewed relevance for me, so I have tackled it here.  If you are looking for some Biblical truth and answers about infertility, this is as good a place as any to start, although it is by no means all the Bible has to offer on this topic.  These are just my thoughts, and I certainly do not know everything.  Feel free to comment with your own comments, insights, or even disagreements and struggles.

1Samuel 1

1 There was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim of the hill country of Ephraim whose name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, son of Elihu, son of Tohu, son of Zuph, an Ephrathite. ² He had two wives. The name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other, Peninnah. And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

³ Now this man used to go up year by year from his city to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. ⁴ On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. ⁵ But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb.^{[a] 6} And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. ⁷ So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.

The language of “the Lord had closed her womb” makes it sound like this is a judgment against Hannah, or that God wanted this to happen to her or caused her infertility.  I cannot say for sure that this is not true… it is very possible that God does allow this to happen to Hannah so that he can be glorified later in the birth of Samuel.  In Hannah’s culture and society people believed that infertility was God’s judgment against someone, so Hannah probably dealt with both the grief of not having a child and the social stigma against childless women.  What I notice when I read this is that nothing is said about why Hannah is childless—there is no mention of judgment or that she has done something wrong, and I think this is very important to note.  God does not allow this to happen to Hannah because he is angry with her or does not love her—it just happens.

I know in my own journey I find it easy to wonder why God has not blessed me with a baby yet.  I see other people who are having kids, and some of them are going to be wonderful parents while some are clearly in less than ideal circumstances.  It makes me (and every other woman that I know who struggles with TTC) ask the question “Why not me?”  The truth is that the answer to this question is probably as simple as Just because—we live in a fallen, imperfect world, and bad things happen.  Just because bad things happen does not mean that God does not love us.

This is undoubtedly a very insensitive remark by Hannah’s husband.  Clearly he does not understand the ache in her heart.  After all, he has children by Peninnah, his other wife.  But we see from verse 5 that he does love Hannah, and I’ll bet that Hannah loves him back. 

⁸ And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

Does anyone else ever feel guilty for wanting a baby so badly?  I know that sometimes I remember the days before I was dating my husband.  I had a crush on him for a solid eight months before he knew he liked me back, and I remember praying to God prayers along the lines of “God, if you give me J, I promise I’ll be happy for the rest of my life and never ask for anything else again.  I love him so much, and I don’t know if I can live without him!”  Now maybe I’m the only one who prayed this kind of prayer, but when I find myself so distraught and sad because I do not have a baby, I am always plagued by this strand of guilt, because God did give me the most incredible man, and I love him so dearly.  I feel like I should never want anything again.  But I do.  I want a baby.  This passage comforts me because I see that Hannah had a man who loved her, and she still desired more.  And God did not scorn her for this.  I know that the desire for children is one that God has given me. 

⁹ After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah rose. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. ¹⁰ She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. ¹¹ And she vowed a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.”

Here I do not really know what to say. This kind of gets into another territory regarding bargaining with God. Is that okay to do? I have no idea. It seems to work well for Hannah here, and indeed it works for others in the bible at various times, but I always feel weird about it. If anyone has any thoughts about this, I would love to hear them!

¹² As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. ¹³ Hannah was speaking in her heart; only her lips moved, and her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli took her to be a drunken woman. ¹⁴ And Eli said to her, “How long will you go on being drunk? Put your wine away from you.” ¹⁵ But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. ¹⁶ Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.”

Hannah is so intense in her praying and pleading with God that Eli the priest thinks she is drunk!  She responds that no, she is “a woman troubled in spirit… pouring out my soul before the Lord… out of my great anxiety and grief.”

I know I have been there.  It is horrible.  Sometimes afterwards I feel some peace and reassurance, but many times I do not.  I do know, though, that God hears my prayers.  I do not know that he will give me what I desire, but I know that he loves me.  We are not guaranteed happiness in life.  Being a Christian does not mean that God will give you all good things, or that your life here on earth will be wonderful.  What it means is that you know how much Christ loves you, and you know that you have a future of life and joy with him in eternity.  That is the wonderful joy and promise of the resurrection.  Nothing about happiness on earth is guaranteed.  But hey—if it weren’t for Christ, we would all be doomed to an eternity of torment, suffering and separation from God in Hell.  I know that’s not a popular thing to say, but it is true.  Something to remember is that God does love you.  He has already demonstrated this by sending his Son.  He may or may not give me a baby.  But I know that if he loves me so much as to send is only son to die for me, then I am sure he cares about my pain, and I know that he hates to see his children suffer.  So even if you feel that God is not listening or does not care, pour out your heart to him as Hannah did.  Because he is listening, and he does care.

 ¹⁷ Then Eli answered, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” ¹⁸ And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

After her prayer, Hannah’s “face was no longer sad.”  Even though she did not know for sure how or when God would answer her petition, she had peace.  Knowing that God hears my prayer and cares about me gives me peace, even though I still do not know when or if I will have a baby.  Praying does help, and it does  calm me down eventually.

^{19 They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord; then they went back to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 20 And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.”}

This is the happy ending that I know all TTC couples are waiting for! God granted Hannah’s request and she had a baby! I pray that this will happen for me as well, and for the other women I know who pray a similar prayer. Verse 20 says “in due time” Hannah conceived. It was not immediately, and it was not when she thought it was time. It was in God’s timing. I know that I hate not knowing, and I hate not having control. But at the same time, in those moments when I have peace and joy, it is because I recognize that if this, the strongest desire of my heart, is granted, it will be in God’s due time, and not in mine. And on my good days when I am most reasonable, I know that this will be much better than any timing I could come up with, and it will all work to glorify God in the end.