A Plan?

Well, we kind of have a plan. For now we will be trying Clomid. It isn't overly expensive, and it might work, so really there is no good reason not to try the medication route. It does involve a little more than I originally thought it would, but if this ends up being it for us, it will be so very worth it.

You would think that it would feel good to have a game plan, but honestly my heart isn't in it. I still want a baby so much, but I am so tired of trying. It is just so discouraging every single month. Even when I work really hard at not being hopeful, I can't help but get my hopes up a little bit, and it always leads to disappointment. After over 18 months of disappointment after disappointment, I am really feeling done. I just don't want to try any more. I realize that this sounds like I'm depressed - I'm really not. I just don't feel like putting the emotional effort into trying this new Clomid plan. Because statistically speaking, it will probably fail, and I will just have to survive through more months of disappointment.

But on the positive side, I really believe that we will have a baby soon one way or another. We have talked a lot about what we are going to do if this doesn't work, and we have decided for sure that we will not do IVF. This means that there really isn't a lot left to try - since IUI is not going to be productive and IVF is off the table, this medication route is really the last option. Once we have tried this we are going to move on to considering adoption. And really, I am very, very excited about that idea!

Answers and Options

On Wednesday I had a phone call consultation with our doctor to go over our test results. I have been very busy, and Jonathan and I have been talking and trying to think through everything, so I haven't gotten around to updating until now. But we really did get a lot of our answers, and I think we're in possession of enough information to reasonably know what to expect and to begin to plan for the future.

At this point the test results show a combination of factors that give us a pretty low chance of conceiving on our own. (Maybe something around 5% or less each month. It's hard to know numbers like that exactly, but that's a rough estimate.) I will go ahead and outline what our options are.

Medication

One option is for me to take Clomid or another medication. This might bump our percentage up a bit. If we say for the sake of argument that we're at 5%, this would move us up to 7-8% chance of conceiving each month. It is not safe to take Clomid for more than six months at a time, though, and as I pointed out to the doctor, 7% each month for six months gets you to about a 42% chance of conceiving. Not great odds, but considering how affordable Clomid is, this could be worth trying. 

IUI

IUI is not going to be an option for us. Due to the test results, the doctor said that IUI would not increase our chances for pregnancy by any significant amount. It just wouldn't make sense financially. 

IVF

The doctor indicated that IVF would be the most direct way to address the situation, and by far has the best chance for success. IVF has a 60% success rate for couples in their early 20s. As much as we may be tempted to take this route as it is clearly the easiest emotionally, we are very, very cautious about the idea. I feel that my pro-life beliefs conflict somewhat with this option, and we are certainly not going to run into this right away. 

I do not believe in freezing embryos, and I do not believe in doctors choosing which embryos they think have the best chance of survival. I did talk about my concerns in our phone conversation, and our doctor was extremely open and respectful of my beliefs. We talked about some options for lower stimulation IVF and ways that we could do IVF so as to eliminate these concerns. While that's great, it would dramatically decrease the chances of success each month. Depending on how exactly we decided to go about things, our chances of pregnancy could be more like 40% or even just 20% each cycle. It is very hard to calculate these percentages, however, because not enough couples do IVF with these considerations in mind to have a significant pool of data. 

I would be happy to share more about IVF and the specifics of why I have these concerns and feelings in a future post, but for now I will just say that this is not something that either of us are thinking of jumping into right now. 

Adoption

With only these options, we have started talking and thinking a lot about adoption. But that's something that the two of us need to talk about and think about a lot more before I say any more.

So those are the options we see at this point. In a nut shell, these are our choices:

1. Do nothing. Keep on going as we have been and probably not get pregnant any time soon. But who knows? God can do anything. At this point I would consider getting pregnant naturally to be nothing short of a miracle.
2. Medication. I can start taking Clomid or another fertility drug and we can try that for six months. This would slightly increase our chances and we could pray for a miracle. I would still consider getting pregnant under this option to be a miraculous and wonderful work of God.
3. IVF. This might be an option for us, but we are still thinking, praying, and studying about whether or not this is something we feel ethically and morally comfortable with.
4. Adoption. This is something that we cannot do right away because of the cost factor, but it is a route that we could consider and start researching for the future. 

So that's it. The answers we've been waiting for. We would love your prayers and support as we consider our options and try to discover what God's will is for us at this point in our journey to start a family. 

Keep checking back. We will hopefully come up with some kind of game plan soon! 

Advent - The Season of Waiting

Our test results have all been in for over a week now and yet we still don't really know where we stand. Very short emails with phrases like "normal to fair" just don't mean very much to me. I have no idea how to interpret that in terms of our options. I called the office to schedule a follow-up appointment and scheduled a half-hour phone consultation to go over the results with the doctor. But the appointment is not until next Wednesday. This month is a  very busy time at work and it was hard for me to schedule this phone call because of all my work commitments. And obviously this is not something I want to discuss with my supervisor, so it has been a frustrating past few weeks.  

Advent is truly turning into a season of waiting this year in more ways than one.

I am very, very tired of waiting. I just want to know what the deal is already. And I feel as though my fear is coming true. It seems like no one thing is very wrong; like we might just be dealing with a lot of little things. That is so much harder to wrap my mind around and deal with than one clear-cut problem would be. I feel like I already know what the recommendation is going to be - IUI. But Jonathan and I still have no idea what we are going to do or what we want to do, or more importantly, what we should do. As we get closer and closer to making very important decisions about what courses of action we are willing to pursue, we have been doing some reading, some thinking, and some praying.

I have been reading a book by Richard Eyer called Holy People, Holy Lives: Law and Gospel in Bioethics.  The author is actually a Professor of Philosophy at Concordia University Wisconsin, where Jonathan and I attended undergrad. The book explores the moral and ethical considerations that must be made when dealing with issues like fertility treatments (although it also discusses other bioethics issues). I have not actually read any books on infertility written by couples who have gone through this journey yet. I like Eyer's book because he so clearly has not gone through this himself and so the issues are dealt with apart from emotional sentiment. Of course, that is also somewhat frustrating, but I feel like the straightforward, unapologetic truth is what we really need to hear sometimes.

Jonathan has not read the book yet, so we will probably discuss it at more length after he has read it. For now, though, I will just quote one passage that struck me especially strongly during this season of Advent.

"No human being, especially our children, should have to bear all the burden of meeting our needs. Our deepest needs can only be met by God and the only human being to whom we can turn in our desperation is the God-become-Man, Jesus Christ. Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can transform the desires of a childless couple for fulfillment-through-a-child into the desire for one Child born in Bethlehem. He alone can give meaning and fulfillment to our lives." (Eyer, 127)

It is a very confusing thing spiritually when you feel that the thing you are called so strongly to do is something that is not going to happen. I feel that I would love to serve God through raising children, and all of my desires long to be able to do that. I do not know what else God is calling me to do, but I feel sure that it must be something else, because God couldn't be calling me to sit around and wait and do nothing. But I have no passion like my passion to have a child, so I have no idea where to turn while I wait.

I do not always know how to do this, but this quote from Eyer's book just reminded me to focus on Jesus and what He has done for us all. Even though I am waiting to hear about and figure out what the future has in store for Jonathan and I, I need to focus much more strongly on Christ and remembering how much God does love me, that He sent His very own son into this world for me so that I could have hope. I cannot imagine what my life would look like now without that hope in Christ. I cannot imagine what going through infertility would do to me if I did not have the promise of God's love to cling to. More often than not the Bible is confusing, and I have no idea what God is doing in my life. But at least I am 100% confident that He is doing something, even if I haven't the faintest idea what it is.

Today I will just close with the first verse of one of my favorite Advent hymns.

Hark the glad sound! The Savior comes,

The Savior promised long.

Let every heart prepare a throne,

And every voice a song.

Perspective

Never Take for Granted...

I must say, the past year or so has taught me so much, and provided me with a lot of perspective on life. Things that I used to take for granted, I now treasure. Things that I used to find terrifying are now no longer so scary. Things that I thought "just happened" I will never, ever take for granted.

If you know me well you might remember what my "biggest fear" is (or was). I used to say that one of my biggest fears in life was having all sons. I used to picture myself married with three or more boys and I just didn't know how I would survive being the only female in a household. I didn't think I could do it. Now, obviously I knew on some level that if indeed God chose to bless me with three or four or more sons and a great husband I would probably be happy. But I still thought it was terrifying. I always wanted my first child to be a girl just so that fear could be put to rest right away.

Not any more. Now I don't care at all. Boys, girls, whatever. Any children that God chooses to bless me with I will be ecstatic about. I am sure I would have before, but now that image no longer scares me. New perspective.

I think I always just assumed that I would get married, finish college, and start having kids. It was always in my mind and I never thought about it twice. (Okay, it did occur to me that it might not happen right away, or that it might be challenging, but I always just assumed it would happen one way or another.) So many people do get married and just have kids, and it is easy for them. I see the pictures on Facebook, and I am incredibly happy for these people, but a part of me always wonders if they really, truly appreciate how blessed they are. I'll bet that many of them do, but sometimes when things just happen we don't always realize how fortunate we are, and we don't take a moment to think that other people do not have these same blessings.

This made me wonder what things in my life do I have that others do not have? Are there blessings in my life that I sometimes take for granted? For all of us, the answer to these questions will probably always be 'Yes'. Maybe it's a good idea to take some time out and thank God for all of His blessings.

• I have parents who loved me and raised me in the church - such a blessing. I would not be who I am today without them. Everyone has parents, but not everyone had a childhood as happy and amazing as mine, or parents who raised them like mine did. I should never take that for granted, but should thank God (and my parents too) for that! 

• I have the most amazing husband ever - so lucky and blessed! I still don't know why such a wonderful guy loves me, or what he saw in me to ever decide to ask me out in the first place, but I know that I have an incredible husband and marriage.  I cannot think of a single thing that could be better in our relationship or a single thing I would change about my man. He is an incredible husband, is going to make a wonderful pastor and I know he will be such a great dad some day. Many people are not as fortunate as I am. I should never take him for granted. 

• I have some amazing friends. Friends who have maintained long distance relationships for years, and area always there for me when I need to talk. 

• I have a job. I'm 22 and I have a good job. In this economy, 'nuff said. 

• I have a really  nice place to live. My husband may be a grad student, but we are very blessed by the generosity of many people who support us while he is here at the seminary. 

I could go on forever, and maybe I will, but if you're reading this, instead of reading a long, long list of the ways that I have been blessed in my life think of the ways that you have been blessed in yours. What are some things that many people do not have that you take for granted every day? 

Consultation Update!

We went to our consultation at Sher on Wednesday this week. The appointment was supposed to be last week, but the doctor's office called the day before to re-schedule. Apparently the doctor went out of town suddenly. I was pretty upset about it initially. I mean, I have been waiting for this appointment for a very long time! And in the world of fertility issues, moving an appointment back a week can move treatment back a month or more if it's the wrong week. So I was not happy. I was still pretty nice to the receptionist, though, all things considered. I think since I work in Customer Service it is really hard for me to give people a hard time over the phone, even if I think they deserve it. I guess that's not a bad thing.

And the good news is when we got there on Wednesday everyone was very nice, and the doctor seems really great. He talked with us for at least an hour. He is very long-winded, but friendly and willing to explain everything. He suggested a couple tests for each of us, and they were willing to get  on everything right away, which means that we may have some answers in just a few weeks. I have another appointment next Thursday, and I think we will have a follow up consultation two weeks or so after that. We will see. But I finally feel like we're getting somewhere, which is encouraging.

After looking at our charts and talking with us the doctor said that while the average couple our age has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month, our chance right now is probably closer to 5%. (Obviously it could be better or worse, depending on how these tests, go.) I was actually really glad to hear him say that. The doctors we had in Wisconsin never used numbers or talked about percentages or chances. As a math person, I really like to know numbers, even if there is a margin of error involved. Throughout our consultation the doctor was drawing bell curves and talking about standard deviations, which I found to be incredibly comforting. I just like having things put in my language. :)

A 5% chance is a good chance. Sure, it's not as great as 20%, but if that's actually the number, then it should still happen eventually. I don't think that it is time yet to give up on having a baby. Having a family of 8 or so biological children though? That is a dream I am slowly giving up on. But that is okay. We have already talked about adopting down the road.

At the same time that I'm glad things are finally moving forward, I'm nervous. I feel like in a few weeks I will know just how possible or not possible it is for us to have a baby. I do want to know. Sometimes I feel like I just want to know, and I don't care either way. I just want to know what we're dealing with so we can deal with it and move on already. But even though I want to know, it makes me nervous. There is the potential to get some life-changing news in the next month. I don't even know what I'm hoping to hear. Maybe that's why I'm nervous.

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I'm sorry about this rambling post! I don't think it's as well thought through as some of the other ones. But the main purpose was to update anyone who wanted to know how our appointment went, and hopefully it accomplished that.