"Let's Have Seven Children!"

As we sat in the coffee shop at our community college over six years ago, our relationship still young and fresh, we jumped into all those big questions with enthusiasm. "How many kids do you want?" I can't remember which of us answered first, but I remember my answer. "At least seven!" I think he was a little surprised, but if I recall correctly he responded with, "Okay, sure, we can do that," or something along those lines. I was so excited that we were on the same page about having a large family.

I never let go of that vision. My dream even before we started dating was to be a stay-at-home mom with "at least seven" children, homeschooling all of them and being there for everything. I knew that would be challenging. I don't think I romanticized it too much (although I'm sure I romanticized it some) because my mom stayed at home and homeschooled me and my siblings. I had several friends and acquaintances that had large families, and I knew that that was what I wanted. 

I don't think wanting to be a stay-at-home mom means I lack ambition. I do feel that society tends to tell women that "they can do it all," implying that they should do it all. Well, I don't want to do it all! I just want to do the mom thing and do it really, really well. And you know what? I think that's crazy ambitious! There are not that many people these days that want to have that many kids, and while many moms choose to stay at home, many more go back to the work force, especially after their children are school-aged. I checked the census data (because I'm cool that way) and in 2009 5% of women in the United States between the ages of 15 and 44 had four or more kids. And while I don't have the numbers, I don't imagine that all of them want to stay at home and educate all their kids themselves. That's probably a fairly elite group! So tell me again how I'm not ambitious, World. 

A Hospital Visit for Christmas

There is a moment, some point in time, where you realize that this being a parent thing is the absolute scariest thing that's ever happened to you. This baby that you thought was going to be so wonderful and so fun has now made you into a completely crazy person who makes no sense at all. You cry when nothing is wrong and you freak out even though everything is going to be fine, because what if everything isn't fine? What if something happens to my baby? 

This moment happened for me on Christmas Eve this past December when our little girl decided that she would like to go to the E.R. and visit the hospital for her first Christmas. To make a long story short, Little Girl decided to choke on her own spit while sleeping in her car seat after the Christmas Eve church service. When we got home from church she was asleep, so I brought the car seat in and set it on the floor in my parent's living room. About fifteen minutes later I heard her wake up coughing violently and ran over to her. I took her out of the car seat, patted her on the back, and tried to help her get whatever it was coughed up. She never stopped breathing, but after the coughing episode she went very pale and listless, which was very unusual. I completely panicked. I called the doctor's exchange, and when they said they would have to call me back, I decided there was no way I was waiting for that and we went to the E.R.

Little Girl with her Daddy in the hospital.

If you bring a 2 month old baby into the E.R. and say that she's limp and pale, you do not have to wait, you go right back and see a doctor! Of course, by the time a doctor came into the room, Little Girl was breathing fine, color had returned to her face, and she was kicking so enthusiastically that it took 5-10 minutes to find a pulse! The doctor assured us that everything was almost certainly fine, but because she was so little, standard practice was to admit her overnight and watch her, just to be sure that she was okay and that it had only been a choking fit.

The Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today I saw my little girl's heartbeat for the first time on an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 5 days along in my pregnancy, which means Little Girl was not even 5 weeks old. I can't believe the difference a year makes!

I still remember how nervous and excited I was at that ultrasound. I was hoping that I would get to see that little flickering heart beating, but I didn't know for sure. I hadn't had much in the way of symptoms, and I confess I worried a lot. But as soon as there was an image on the screen I saw that heart beating away. It was magical. 

It is so incredible to think that over the past year that little tiny flickering speck inside me has grown into this beautiful 4 month old baby girl with so much personality! What a blessing, and what a testament to God's goodness and design! Every time our daughter does something new and we see how fast she is learning about her world and growing in her abilities it is awe-inspiring to realize that just a short time ago she was still inside me. 

Sleeping Babies and Narcissistic Parenting

"How is she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night yet?" I think this is the most frequently asked question I have been asked over the past several months. I am fairly certain that every new parent or parent of a new baby is asked this question countless times during the first months after their little one is born. I was surprised how soon people thought my daughter should be able to sleep through the night. At one month old people were asking me if I was getting any sleep yet, and of course I was not!

How Much Does Money Really Matter?

As I was sitting in my living room, looking around my 2 bedroom apartment, contemplating the past 3.5 years of my life the other day (the time since my wedding), I realized something: the amount of money that I have really doesn't matter. At all. Now, the fact that I have some money and can afford what I need to survive, yes, that matters, but beyond that, it really doesn't. This really was a new revelation for me.

I was sitting there, holding my adorable daughter, reminiscing about our first two years of marriage in our first apartment in Wisconsin. That was a cute apartment! It was sunny, bright, had a great closet or two, and the memories that I have from those days are priceless. So many sleepy Saturday mornings, just the two of us, the sun streaming into our living room/dining room/kitchen, enjoying French toast and coffee together.