Through the Eyes of a Toddler

Dedicated to my own sweet toddler

When I was a baby I got everything I wanted. When I was hungry I cried, and my mother took me and fed me. When I was tired I cried my little tired cry, and someone who loved me would cuddle me to sleep. When I was feeling uncomfortable I cried, and one of my parents would give me a fresh diaper. And then I would feel hungry again, and all I had to do was ask.

Scoliosis Story - Part 3: Feeling Loved

Part 1 - Unanswered Prayers
Part 2 - Surgery and Recovery

I thought I wouldn't want to remember anything about my experience with scoliosis or my surgery, but today when I think back on that time, I always remember it fondly. I never expected that would be the case, but 10 years later I am incredibly grateful for this particular experience.


I do remember that I was in pain, I do remember being embarrassed, I remember not being able to do things I wanted to do. But I don't remember how any of that felt. I don't ever re-live those negative aspects. What I do remember was the way everyone in my life at the time cared for me. What I do remember makes me feel so very loved.

Scoliosis Story - Part 2: Surgery and Recovery

Part 1: Unanswered Prayers 

I was probably not a pleasant person to be around in the weeks and days leading up to surgery. I did my best to pretend it wasn't happening, but I also got sulky about it, if I remember correctly. I regularly kept a journal throughout my teenage years, but I intentionally didn't journal around the time of my surgery. I remember thinking, "This won't be something I want to remember." I don't remember all the details of that day, but I would not want to have been my parents. They were obviously making me do something I didn't want to do, and while they knew it was the right thing, I know it was hard for them too.

Scoliosis Story - Part 1: Unanswered Prayers

I think I was 13 years old when I first found out that I would have to have surgery on my back. I had scoliosis, a serious case of it, and while we had discussed bracing and other options with a doctor, it sounded like surgery was going to be inevitable.

When you are a teenager the prospect of major surgery sounds like a disaster. It's scary, it's confusing, and you worry that you won't be able to be "normal" (which is, of course, the most important thing to be in high school). I was a dancer too, so any interruption to my dance training felt like it would be a complete disaster. All my friends that I took classes with would be ahead of me... I would have to take six months off from dancing after the surgery, and then it would take me six more months to work up to where I had been... I would be a whole year behind! I was a teenager... I had limited perspective, and I was very competitive. I thought this would be the end of my world.

The Other Side of Pregnancy Announcements

One of the most emotional aspects of being on the other side of infertility is knowing how to deal with pregnancy and birth announcements as both a proud mother and as someone who has been in the shoes of those who would give everything to be making similar announcements. Every time I post a baby picture, part of me cringes and hopes and prays that no one will cry or mourn when they see it. When I announced my first pregnancy I did so while publicly letting people know that we had struggled to get pregnant and that this baby was a wonderful miracle and blessing. I didn't want anyone to be hurt, but at the same time, I knew that hurt was inevitable.