14 Weeks

I entered the 2nd trimester on Thursday! I can't express how relieved and how much better I feel to be past that 14 week mark. Today I am 14 weeks, 4 days, and I am loving being pregnant! I mean... sure it's uncomfortable sometimes and I'm tired a lot, but I have never been happier or more excited about the future.

On Saturday Jonathan and I were at the mall, and we went to look at the baby things in the department store together for the first time. Oh. My. Goodness. Baby clothes are so very cute! We were hoping to find something adorable and gender-neutral that we could buy the baby, but we didn't see a single item of clothing we thought was truly gender neutral. They were all either too feminine for HIS son, or not adorable enough for our daughter. I am more excited and anxious than ever to find out if we're having a girl or a boy now, so that I can run back to the store and buy something adorable for him/her.

(On an only slightly related note - what is up with the baby outfits that have little smarty sayings on them? Do parents really think it is cute to brag about how attractive they are, how much their kid loves them, etc. by putting messages on their baby? Or maybe I just don't understand. I can't help thinking that clothes with messages on them are tacky, but then that could just be me. I don't have any message T's myself, so that could just be my own style preference. I do feel like it's especially awkward when it's on a baby though, since they so clearly didn't pick it out themselves!)

I have a confession to make - although I've known that I am pregnant for close to three months now, I've still had to work hard at trusting God. My blog is called "Learning to Trust" for a reason, and it is not time to re-name it yet. It is such a process, and I know that it is something that I will be working on my whole life. Even after I found out that God had answered my every prayer and blessed me in this incredible way, I still worried. I worried that something would go wrong, or that the baby wouldn't make it. I felt that it was too good to be true, and I waited for the catch. It was very hard to go in a day or so from feeling that this would never happen to knowing that it had. Now that I'm through the first trimester, it is obviously easier for me to not worry and to trust God that everything will be okay.

I am so glad that God is forgiving, always there for me, and full of grace. I know that throughout life there will always be opportunities to grow in my ability to trust Him. I know I'll never get there, but hopefully with His help, I'll continue to get closer.

You Are Not Alone

There is a reason that I have chosen to share my blog on my Facebook (which as far as I'm concerned, is basically making it public). I tend to be a very private person, and I do not typically share my personal life with those who are not very close family or friends. And even then, I tend to try to hold my emotions in check. I still feel a little uneasy sometimes about how open and vulnerable some of my past posts might be. But this, my struggles with infertility, I really thought needed to be shared. 

I think one of the things that made the past few years so hard for me is how completely unexpected having trouble getting pregnant was to me. I had never really heard about or from couples who struggled to get pregnant, and I understand why. Infertility is usually a very private struggle, and people usually do not feel comfortable talking about it. I know I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I didn't for the most part. I had one or two friends that I talked to, and a supportive group of online friends, but for a long time I didn't share with my family or most of my friends. Life went on around me, people announced pregnancies, people made comments about babies around us, no one intentionally said anything to hurt me, but it is impossibly hard to be going through something like infertility and know that no one has a clue what you are feeling or how comments, pregnancy announcements, and other completely normal events for everyone else affect you. 

Infertility affects at least 1 in 10 couples. I have heard 1 in 7 before too, but even supposing it's just 1 in 10, that's A LOT! And it's not only couples who waited until they were in their 30s to have kids; we are in our early 20s, and we both have fertility issues. 

I felt that it was very important to share my story, because I know that if the statistics speak the truth, many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances must be dealing with this, probably in silence. If you struggled to get pregnant, are struggling, or even if you're still in that first year of trying and are realizing that it can take month after painful, frustrating month of trying and waiting, I just want you to know that you're not alone! If you ever need anyone to talk to who has been there or understands, I am always available. 

I know that I have been blessed with a wonderful gift to be expecting our Baby, and I treasure and savor every minute of this pregnancy that I waited so long for. One of the things that is so hard for those struggling for infertility to listen to is pregnant women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I understand a little better - pregnancy can be pretty uncomfortable. (And I know all women who have ever been pregnant realize that is a major understatement!) But I still remember what it was like to see or hear pregnancy complaints, and to think that I would give anything in the world to feel that miserable and be pregnant. So I do my best to remember that feeling now. Every time I feel awful from morning sickness, sheer exhaustion, or whatever else, it reminds me of how much I wanted to feel this way, and how many times I begged God to allow me to feel this way. I am beyond grateful to have this wonderful blessing and opportunity. But I do want anyone out there who hasn't gotten their miracle yet and who is struggling through the pain of infertility to know that I know how that feels and that they are not alone. 

"You Knit Me Together"

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 5 days. We were able to have one so early because our fertility clinic always does an early ultrasound to make sure everything looks good before they refer patients out to an OBGYN. Our baby had only been conceived 4 and a half weeks ago, but already at that ultrasound, we could see a heartbeat. It was a flicker on the screen, but it was clear as day. The doctor didn't even have to point it out to us; we could see it clearly on our own. How amazing that so very early we can already see the baby's heartbeat! It was very special.

Our second ultrasound was almost two weeks ago, at 10 weeks, 6 days (or almost 9 weeks after conception). It was incredible! Baby already looked like a baby, was waving his/her little arms around, kicking and moving around in there, and acting completely adorable. We were told that Baby was measuring 11 weeks, 3 days, and my heart filled with pride to think that my baby was already "four days ahead." Now, I do know that this is really silly... it's perfectly normal for babies to measure a little bigger or smaller and it isn't a problem either way, but I couldn't help it. I would have come away from that ultrasound being proud of Baby for something no matter what. It was just such an amazing experience. After a few attempts (because Baby was so wiggly) the ultrasound tech was able to measure the heart rate - 156 bpm.

Humor me for a minute while I get up on my soapbox...

I can't believe that people can see an early ultrasound like one of these, see a heartbeat, or see an adorable baby kicking and moving all around and somehow think that this baby is not a person. If it isn't a person, what in the world could it be?! I now understand how effective and wonderful it is to be able to show pregnant moms who are not sure if they want to keep their babies ultrasounds so they can see the little person growing inside of them. When I saw my baby, no part of me believed for a second that the baby inside me was part of "my body." That Baby was doing all sorts of adorable things that I had no idea were going on in there. It actually made me feel rather clueless, like, "How can all of that kicking and dancing and wiggling be going on inside me and I have no idea about it?"  It was clearly another, separate, little tiny person living inside me.

I am unashamedly pro-life, as you will probably know if you have read my other posts. Even if I had not been pro-life before, I think struggling with infertility the way I have would have made me realize the value of life and how wanted every baby really is.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an "unwanted pregnancy" and absolutely no such thing as an "unwanted baby." Allow me to back that up:

• God wants the baby. This is the obvious one. God created that baby. God knit each and every one of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and regardless of the circumstances surrounding our conception and birth, God desires for every person He has designed and created to be born and to life a life to His glory, because He loves us all.
• The mother (or parents) wants the baby. Admittedly there are times when this is not true. We all know that, otherwise abortions would hardly ever take place. But I think it is sad that at times our society assumes that if perfect conditions did not surround a child's conception then the mother or parents must not want, be excited about, or love their baby. Even if a baby was unplanned, a complete surprise, or even came about after a "mistake" it is hard to carry a child and not love and want that child. We should never assume that a woman who is pregnant doesn't want her baby just because it appears to outsiders to be an inconvenient time in her life for having children. 
• Even if parents do not want a baby, God still loves that child. And, as I know from experience, there are countless couples who want that baby. After going through infertility and coming very close to turning to adoption, I see clearly that every single baby that is born is wanted. And not only is that baby wanted by God, but that baby is wanted by some person or couple somewhere who would give anything to have a baby. 

There just is no such thing as an unwanted baby, and by extension, no such thing as an unwanted pregnancy. No such thing. 

Getting down off the soapbox... Sorry about that, guys! But those are some of my thoughts since our last ultrasound.

To conclude, that ultrasound a few weeks ago was absolutely life-changing! I cannot believe how blessed we are to have this opportunity to have a baby. Over 12 weeks in and Jonathan and I still look at each other regularly and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening. God is so good!" Baby has only been around for 10 weeks or so, and already all his or her little organs are in place and beginning to function and he or she is wiggling and moving around and looking very, very human and adorable. It's crazy to think about, but God must just be very good at what He does.

Our Miracle

I realize it has been a long time since my last post. But it is finally time to share our news. The Clomid and HCG we tried in January worked, and by the grace of God, I feel so incredibly blessed to say these words that I had all but given up hope of saying: I AM PREGNANT!

If you look at my recent posts, you can see that we really did not think this Clomid plan would work. I don't know if the doctor was right or wrong when he gave us an 8% chance, but even if he was off, our baby is nothing short of a miracle. We were absolutely shocked but absolutely delighted when I finally got that positive pregnancy test in February. To tell the truth, we were not sure if we would try this again the next month. We had discussed adoption, thought through strategies for financing adoption, and I had filled out the preliminary application for the adoption agency. We agreed that after this cycle we would mail in the application. I can't believe how amazing God's timing is!

I have just been overwhelmed these past two months by how good, loving, and amazing is our God! I want to say I trusted Him every step of the way, but that would be a lie. Despite my imperfect faith and my imperfect trust, God has chosen to bless us with this incredible gift of a baby. God really is good. Even when we give up, He never does. Words cannot express what I'm feeling, but this I know for sure. God is good. All the time. Regardless of how crazy, dark, or uncertain our lives may seem, God always loves us, and He is always good. This may sound easy to say now, when God has answered my prayers, but honestly, this would be true and is true whether God answers my prayers today, tomorrow, or never. He is good. And He loves us so much! And Jonathan and I are incredibly blessed by His goodness to be expecting our miracle baby in October.