When Are You Having Baby #2?

"Are you planning to have another baby soon?"

"Well... " I  search frantically to find the words. The question was well meaning enough. It was even relevant to the conversation, not just someone impertinently asking about my personal family plans. I wanted to answer, but as I searched for the words I had no idea how to respond. I didn't want to launch into my life story, so my response probably came out somewhat hesitantly: "We don't have any plans... that would be nice... we'll see."

We are all familiar with the inquisitive (and sometimes well-meaning, but always awkward) questions that we find ourselves asked about our personal lives. If you're single, it's "When are you going to find a boyfriend/girlfriend?" If you're not single, "When are you going to take the next step/get married?" If you're married, "When are you having a baby?" If you're married and have a baby it's, "When are you having #2?" If you're married with two kids, it might be, "Are you planning on having any more?" (Or in many cases, "You're not going to have any more kids, right?") And then if you're married and have more than three kids it's, "You know what causes that, right?" Or "When are you going to be done?"

Sometimes the questions are blatantly rude, but most of the time they are friendly and well-meaning, and yet I think we all find these types of questions difficult to answer or awkward to talk about. I try very hard not to ask questions that are prying or insensitive, but I have to admit I wonder and am always curious and interested in people's family lives and choices. I genuinely want to know when they're thinking of getting married, or when they're going to have a baby, or how many children they want to have. I am curious, and in many cases, I really do care. So although the internet is full of lists and blog posts about "X Number of Things Not to Say to Someone Who..." I always somewhat sympathize with the poor people just trying to make conversation.

But I have also been on the receiving end. Some of those questions can be painful to face for one reason or another. Or they could just be uncomfortable to answer. Usually the reason people are encouraged not to ask them is because they demonstrate a lack of sensitivity or awareness of issues that people could be dealing with. For me, a simple question like, "When are you having another baby?" reminds me that I don't get to decide. It reminds me of how long it took to have our first baby and it stirs up my fears or my frustrations that when I look into the future, it is uncertain and I don't know when I might have another baby.

When people ask me this question, I know they don't mean to cause me pain or to pry into my personal life too much. They're simply wondering if we're thinking about having another baby, and they decided to go ahead and ask. But now I am faced with the decision of if I give a simple, fake, quick-out answer or if I give them a glimpse into my life and my story. It is certainly easier most of the time to just go with the response that has the fewest words, and then to go home and complain to my husband about how insensitive people are. But what good would that do?

After fumbling through enough awkward, incoherent, somewhat untrue answers to these types of questions, I have decided that openness with our story is the way I want to go. After all they did ask! And infertility affects too many people for us to all be silent about such a huge part of our lives. I have decided that if people ask me deeply personal questions, they may end up getting deeply personal answers. And instead of complaining about how insensitive and nosy people are and writing "What not to say" blog posts I am going to just answer them and share a piece of my story and my journey with them. After all, who knows whom this may help? Even if it just helps them to see their question through a different possible perspective.

I may end up just sharing that we struggled with infertility and so we don't know when or how we will be blessed with more children. I may end up telling people about my dream of a big family. I may end up sharing about our hopes and dreams, our thoughts about adoption, or talking about how children are a blessing, expected, unexpected, planned or unplanned. Hey, they asked!

Maybe they will come away with new thoughts and realizations. Maybe they will come away embarrassed and resolved never to ask such personal questions (although this would not be my goal). Maybe they will just come away knowing the true answers to the question they asked. Or maybe the conversation will become more serious - maybe I can help or encourage them through something they are going through. And best possible scenario - maybe  our conversation will reach a point where they will come away having heard about my faith in Christ and what he's done for me.

I challenge you, if you have struggled with something or are in a challenging part of life and someone asks you a personal question that stirs up feelings, emotions, and maybe even pain, realize that they probably do not mean to hurt you, and then use their question as an opportunity. When they ask that question share the true, transparent answer if you're up for it. Maybe you can make a difference. Maybe they can learn from you.

This is something that I have really struggled with in the past. I am a very private person and I spend far too much time worrying about what people think of me. I wrote this post over two years ago, after realizing that what we were dealing with was "infertility." It was hard to admit the true answers to people's questions, and I know that when I was going through infertility I usually didn't want to talk about it. And so I understand if you don't want to open up and talk about your life. After all, you open yourself up for more hurtful comments, unwelcome advice, and possible follow-up conversations that could have been avoided. So if you don't feel called and able to talk about ongoing struggles, I understand. But if you can share your story with someone, consider doing it, even if it is awkward. And if you have the gift of perspective to look back on your struggles, then definitely open up and share!


"Are you planning to have another baby soon?"

"Well, it's a long story..."