4 Truths after 4 Years of Marriage

My husband and I celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary this week. I thank God every day for my husband and the wonderful marriage we have enjoyed. I feel like when you are newlyweds, society forbids you from giving marriage advice. After all, you're still in the "honeymoon phase" and life hasn't "gotten real" yet. Well, I certainly know what they mean when they refer to the "honeymoon phase." When we got married we were idealistic, didn't believe that we would ever fight, and thought our relationship was "easy."

I have waited patiently to be far enough along in marriage to be "allowed" to give marriage advice, and I'm not sure if four years gives me that right or not. But in the past four years my husband and I have moved three times, both had surgery, dealt with infertility, gone through pregnancy and birth, made it through the "newborn phase" of our firstborn, and parented for almost ten months. So I am finally ready to share a couple words of marriage advice, some things I've learned over the past four years. But honestly, if you had asked me about these things four years ago, I would probably have said the same thing.

1. Be idealistic. 

Engaged couples and newlyweds are notoriously idealistic, and most marriage counselors and well-meaning friends take it upon themselves to dash all their misconceptions by telling them that "it won't always be easy." "Sometimes you'll hate each other." "Marriage is hard work, but worth it." and other similar sentiments. I say, let newlyweds be idealistic! Self-fulfilling prophecy is a real thing, so put it to use for you!

When we were engaged I remember thinking that we were going to have "the perfect marriage." And when we were newlyweds I remember thinking that we were doing it! Our marriage was perfect. We never fought, we had fun together, we communicated so well, and every day was wonderful just because we were together.

I also remember being told that we couldn't have the perfect marriage, that no such thing existed, that as two sinners, life was not going to be perfect and we were going to fail and let each other down. Of course, there is truth to that, but while we acknowledged the validity of that, we refused to think about it that way. Yes, we were each imperfect, but we believed that with Christ as the center, our marriage could be truly great. Even if we sinned and had to forgive each other (which of course happens), we could forgive each other lovingly because of what Christ had done for us, and we could do it immediately and fully, and that makes our marriage successful, or "perfect." It is important to recognize that when we marry someone, we marry a sinner, a fellow human being, flaws and all. But it is equally important to strive to forgive, to never settle for an imperfect marriage, and to believe that with Christ's help you both have it in you to forgive each other and put each other first.

2. Fighting is optional.

This point flows out of my first point about being idealistic. Jonathan and I realized when we got married that we had never had a "fight" during the three years we had been together at that point. We decided we were not going to have any fights, and we prided ourselves on our conflict resolution skills. On our second anniversary we still had never "fought." Eventually we realized that we do not always agree, but by the time anything truly stressful or contentious came up in our relationship, we were so convinced that "we as a couple don't fight" that we would choose to calm down and talk about it in the most reasonable way we could. After all, we certainly didn't want to break a five or six year no-fight streak!

Now practically, of course you will not always agree with your spouse. Sometimes they will do things you think is crazy, or that makes you angry. But you do not have to fight about it. You can choose when to talk, you can communicate your feelings as clearly as possible, and you can listen to see what the other person has to say.

There are two main strategies that Jonathan and I employ to avoid fights. The first is what we call "over-communication." We talk about everything! The second one of us starts to feel uneasy about something, we talk about it. We never let things simmer. This came naturally to us because I talk a lot, but once we realized how well it worked, we both started employing this strategy intentionally.

Our second strategy is humor. Humor can diffuse a situation so fast! We both love to laugh, and we laugh together every day. It is very hard to be angry with each other when laughing, so during times where we are having a more tense discussion, one of us will lighten the mood with humor and we are able to finish talking without getting upset.

(I do want to put a disclaimer in here that I don't think you have a bad marriage if you fight. I do not believe that confilct should be avoided or issues unaddressed either. All I am saying is that my husband and I have found that it is possible to have an open, honest relationship where conflict is addressed without fighting and I want to speak out against the myth that "every couple fights.")

3. Change is constant, but so is a relationship.

One of the biggest advantages of marrying young in my opinion is that you grow into who you are going to be with your spouse as an integral part of your identity. Some say that this is a disadvantage, that you need to be fully confident in who you are, a self-sufficient and successful-in-your-own-right adult before getting married, but I think this presents many more obstacles for a relationship. Of course, all relationships have obstacles and most obstacles can be overcome, but it is so much easier to discover who you are at the same time that you discover who your spouse is. The more shared experiences you have with someone, the more you understand them, the more you can empathize. My entire adult life I have been in a relationship with Jonathan. That means that I am used to thinking of him and his needs as well as or before my own needs. I am used to making decisions together. I never had to transition from only taking care of myself to thinking about two people. In my opinion, that makes our marriage easier.

At the same time, change is constant. Both of us have grown so much since getting married. We have both had struggles, successes, some together and some more individualized, and neither of us is exactly who we were four years ago. We have also moved three times and will move two more times in the next year or so. We have had a baby, we have had various jobs, we have gone to various schools. Change is constant, and things never turn out quite how we thought they would. But they sometimes turn out better, and it is wonderful to be together in this adventure, even if it is not what we pictured when we said "I do" four years ago.

4. Marriage might be "work" but it doesn't have to feel like it.

I have never liked articles, blog posts, or books that talk about how "marriage takes hard work." I agree that technically they are right - marriage can require effort a lot of the time. But I think using the language of work makes it sound like caring for the interests of a spouse is a chore. That is not the way to look at it at all!

I used to take dance lessons. At the peak of my dance training I was spending 10+ hours in the studio every week. It was technically work. I put in great effort. Those lessons were expensive, time consuming, and I gave up other opportunities to be there. But it never felt like work because I loved it with everything in me. I ended up quitting dance because it was causing me pain in my back, and it did not seem prudent to continue since I was never going to be able to do it at a professional level. I have never given something up that hurt more! While I am at peace with my choices now, I still miss and regret losing that pastime. Dance was work, but it was also joy and life and relaxing and invigorating and energizing... even when it was painful and exhausting! It was all of those things at the same time, and marriage is like that.

Perhaps we should talk less about how much "work" marriage is. It isn't a chore or an obligation. It is an honor, a blessing, a gift, and a joy to live out a marriage with someone you love.


So today we celebrate four years as husband and wife, and seven years and five days together as a couple. What a blessing the last four years have been! It has been such a joy to be married to my man, and I can honestly say over the past four years that I do not feel that marriage is "hard work" or a chore. Marriage is a gift. That unconditional love that my husband gives me, the way he looks out for me, the opportunity we have to serve each other, and the chance to share life with someone through everything, it has all been an incredible blessing.

Marriage is the best, and my marriage in particular is one of the greatest blessings in my life.