I've been thinking lately about
what I've learned through this past year and the experience of infertility over
the past few years. I've been trying to think about on what I've learned about
God, about trusting him, and how my faith has grown through this. It is very
hard to put my finger on. It would be easy to say that I have learned to trust
God even when I don't see why certain things happen because He has a perfect,
better plan that is better than anything I can ever imagine. That would be
easy, and you might believe it. But I don't think I would. Because the truth
is, I am so grateful for Charis, but there are other things going on in my
life, and I knew the future will hold other struggles, and those struggles are
still hard. It is still hard for me to feel peaceful and trusting and content
about every aspect of my life. I still desire to control things and wish that I
could have things exactly my way. And I don't know why infertility happened to
me. I don't exactly see why it was necessary. While I trust God to love me and
care for me, I don't think that everything in my life will be the way I want it
to be all the time. And I am still learning to trust that God's plan will be
better than my plan, because my plans always sound really great to me at the
time.
It is almost a Christian cliche,
the idea that if you pray enough, wait long enough, have enough faith, etc.
then God will give you whatever you are asking for. I think that having faith
in God's providence and care for you, praying to him for the desires of your
heart, and waiting patiently are all great things. I think God wants us to do
those things. But I know that we will never have faith, wait patiently, or
trust in God perfectly. We will never have enough faith or pray fervently
enough to deserve anything from God. We cannot make God act. God chooses to
act. God does know what is best for us, sometimes it is what we thought we
wanted and sometimes it is not, and sometimes bad things happen just because
and there is no reason for it at all.
The good news is that God knows
that we will never trust him perfectly, he knows that our faith can always be
stronger and we can always be more patient. His Holy Spirit living in us is
what allows our faith to grow and our patience to increase. The good news is
that even when our faith is not strong and when we doubt, God is faithful
anyway. God loves us and desires to bless us, and he does so despite our
imperfect faith, impatience and doubts.
I think that is what I have
learned: even when I am not faithful, even when I do not trust God the way I
should, God is always faithful. His love and the way he has blessed me this
past year is overwhelming.
As it is Advent, I was listening
to a sermon recently about Zechariah. That account from Luke 1 simply
blows me away, and I think summarizes what I've learned in this journey about
God. In this story Zechariah and Elizabeth are childless, and long to have a
child. While Zechariah is serving in the temple , God sends Gabriel, an angel,
to tell Zechariah that Elizabeth will have a son. Their son will be John the
Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus' ministry. When Zechariah hears
that God has heard their prayer and is going to answer it, he does not believe
it. He doubts God's faithfulness. We've all done that in our own lives, and I
know I've been there over the course of this journey. But notice what happens
next... God still blesses Zechariah. God doesn't say, "Fine, you didn't
believe me. You doubted my love. Your faith is lacking. No kid for you."
Sure, Gabriel points out Zechariah's lack of faith, and Zechariah is unable to
speak until the baby is born. But God still gives them a baby! God is still
faithful to Zechariah despite Zechariah's doubts and unfaithfulness.
And another note about Zechariah
and Elizabeth, check out Luke 1:6-7: "And they were both righteous
before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of
the Lord. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren,
and both were advanced in years." The Bible says that Zechariah and
Elizabeth were righteous and blameless before God - it wasn't
anything they did wrong that caused their infertility, it wasn't a lack of
faith that kept them from having a baby, and the reason that they had no child
had nothing to do with God or them. The Bible just says that they had no child
because Elizabeth was barren. Things just happen. And although it seemed to
take forever, and ultimately Zechariah and Elizabeth gave up hope, God was
faithful to them and chose to bless them with a child.
This story doesn't just apply to
infertility. We all have things that we ask God for, things that we feel are
missing in our lives, and we all struggle with trusting God at times. We want
things to be the way we want them to be. But even when we are not faithful, God
always is. And even though that may mean an answer to our prayer today, or it
may not, we can rely on God's faithfulness.
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