Trusting Through the Testing

One thing that has taken me completely by surprise while trying to conceive is the extent to which this aspect of my life has impacted my faith life.  During the first year of trying each month that we did not get pregnant was a disappointment, and each month I would look forward to the next month and say, "Well, this month must have not been God's timing.  Maybe next month will be when he wants to bless us with a baby!"  And while it was a hard, frustrating year, that was generally good enough to keep me looking forward and trusting in God.  As we approached that one year mark, however, I became more and more upset with God.

This is not the first struggle I have faced in my life, and this is not the first time I have expected God to do something for me that he has not done.  There were several times in my teenage years when I was not very happy with "God's will" because it so clearly did not line up with what I wanted.  But I always held on to this certainty that maybe God was closing certain doors in my life because he had something better in mind.  I think the reason that this TTC journey is different is because getting married and having a family was the something better that I had been picturing all these years.  God speaks so strongly in the Bible about what a blessing children are, I know for sure that he desires good things for his people, and I don't think there is anything better and more pleasing to God than having kids and raising them to know and honor him.  What could possibly be the something better in this situation?

Everything I know about God, everything I've witnessed about Christian family, I just find it hard to believe that the reason that we do not have a baby yet is because God has something better in mind.  What could that possibly be?  What could be better than two people who love each other, who love God, who try to put God first in their lives, and who desire nothing more than to raise their children to fear and love God as well having a family?  I just do not understand.  I have also been told throughout my whole life that God knows the desires of your heart, and that he places them there for a reason.  And so I am left to try to figure out why God has not blessed us with a baby yet if indeed he desires us to have children.  Obviously it is not too late.  I still think it is very likely that we will have kids.  We are very young, and the chances are that whatever the problem is we can fix.  So it could be that God fully intends to give us the family we dream of, but he just wants to teach us something first.   But then if that is the case, it feels like this whole situation must be my fault, because clearly I do not trust God enough, or I try to control my own life too much, or some other sin or flaw that God wants to improve in me first.  That sounds like a punishment of kinds to me, though, and I do not believe that God is like that.

So I am just left very confused and frustrated.  I usually go to church on Sunday and come away sad, not just because we don't have a baby and I see all the adorable, happy little families at church, but also because all those people at church are praising and honoring God for how wonderful and good and powerful and loving he is.  And I know they are right, and I know I should be happy and recognize all the wonderful blessings in my life, but because I do not have this one blessing, I just do not feel that happy.

Although it is still very much a process and a journey, recently God has been slowly and calmly revealing himself to me in small ways that reassure me and remind me that ultimately, God is good, he does love me, and it is going to be okay in the long run, even if I do not understand how now.

Yesterday I received a letter from my Grandma in the mail.  She was responding to my worries about searching for a job and about J's leg, which has been hurting lately and which is another story entirely.  She did not know about our struggle with TTC, but her words were wonderfully applicable anyway.  She shared these verses from 1 Peter, which she said helped her when she was going through trials earlier in her life.

1 Peter 1:3-7

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

I can see why these verses gave her hope, especially the bold ones.  The first portion reminds us that our hope is not in things or futures that we see for ourselves, but in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which gives our lives meaning and purpose.  When Peter says "though now for a little while... you have been grieved by various trials" he reminds us that our time on earth is temporary and is not the big picture.  The most precious thing we have is our faith, which is what enables us to give praise and glory to Christ.  

It can sometimes be hard for me to apply this idea of "testing" to not having a baby, but I try to remember all the characters in the Bible who struggled to have children, and the way God loved them and eventually provided for them.  Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Hannah, Zachariah and Elizabeth, and I'm sure there were more.  In all of these cases faith was strengthened and God did eventually give children.  I have only been waiting for a year or so.  No one knows how long Hannah prayed to God before he answered her prayer.  For now I do believe that one way or another, God will answer my prayers.  

This doesn't make the journey any less hard.  I still hate waiting, I'm still impatient, and I still have bad days where it takes every ounce of energy and effort to continue to believe that God will hear my prayers.  I have days where it feels so much easier to just forget about God and tell myself that bad things just happen for no reason at all.  And that is also true.  We do live in a fallen world, and there are many bad things that happen for no other reason apart from sin and general imperfection.  But that does not mean that God cannot work good into a broken situation.  And God will daily give me the strength to remember this. 

*I want to thank anyone who has stayed with me and read the whole thing.  I am incredibly impressed.  I apologize for my long-windedness.  If you leave a comment I will thank you personally.*