On one hand I cannot remember ever being happier than I am these days. I love our little one more every day, and I feel closer to her with every little kick and movement and with each ultrasound. She is such a sweetheart already! On the other hand I feel uncomfortable all the time. I understand now why women complain about pregnancy. It's just not always fun!
On one hand I want it to be October NOW! I want her to be born and to get to hold her and see her. But on the other hand I feel like there's no way we'll be ready by October. There's so many things we need and so many things to do.
Whenever I feel the urge to complain I try to remember how much I wanted her and what a wonderful blessing she is. And whenever I start feeling impatient I think about how four months is a very definite and short period of time to wait compared to how indefinite and hopeless waiting to conceive can feel. I know I've heard several women say that they didn't like how with pregnancy you never know when the baby is going to come and it makes it so hard to wait. I'm sure there's truth to that, but compared to never knowing if you're even going to have a baby, waiting for a baby to come is nothing. I mean, she will come eventually! I may not know a day, but I can say with confidence, "She'll be here before November." That is not indefinite at all! (I know I may regret saying that when I'm 30-some weeks pregnant and much more uncomfortable than I am now, but it's still true.)
I may not be in a place quite yet where I can honestly thank God for our struggles with infertility. I may get there someday - I don't know. But I am definitely thankful for the perspective our journey has given me and how much it helps me to not take this blessing for granted. I'm not saying that I've been perfect at this, or that I've never in a moment of weakness complained to Jonathan. I have. But I do know that every single discomfort and every day of waiting is 100% worth it, and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this experience.
This is how I know it will all be worth it:
Look at how beautiful she is! I am so in love already!
Despite every discomfort, I am feeling incredibly joyful and incredibly blessed these days. God has been very good to us!
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