Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of trying.
My husband and I hit that one year mark just over a month ago, and I still cannot say the word infertility out loud in reference to us. Hitting that mark was mostly devastating, but there was also a small dose of comfort. It felt devastating because I realized that we were almost certainly not going to "just get pregnant." There is a reason the medical community defines infertility as trying for a year - it's because if it has been that long, something is wrong. It's as simple as that. In one frustrating day I moved from just trying to conceive to this horrible label of infertility. I went from optimistically thinking that any month now I would be pregnant to knowing that unless we figure out what is going on and manage to get it treated, my odds of getting pregnant in any given month are very, very slim.
Hope versus The Odds
What is frustrating to me is that even with this knowledge that it almost certainly cannot happen until something changes, I still get hopeful that this will be it. Every month I tell myself that this time I will truly hold my emotions at bay, and this time I will not expect anything and will therefore not deal with the sadness and disappointment. After all, if I can just keep myself from hoping, I won't be so devastated, right?
Well, one problem with that plan is God. God makes it impossible for me to lose hope. After all, God is the one who creates all life and who gives the gift and blessing of children. I know this, and I know that God loves me, so every month, even if I know that statistically speaking my chances are slim to none, I pray to God and ask him for a baby, and then when I do not get one, I am surprised. Every time. I know that God not giving me what I want should not be surprising, but I have such faith in God's goodness and love for me that I keep thinking that it will happen and God will answer my prayers. I think that maybe he was just trying to teach me patience, and maybe I've learned enough for him. Maybe he was just waiting for the perfect timing and maybe its here. I cannot see into the thoughts of God, so I have no idea when he will answer my prayers. But every month I manage to rationalize a reason why God is probably going to answer my prayers with that YES that I so long for.
While hope in God is usually a great thing, in this context I hate it. I know that sounds terrible, but it is true. I sometimes feel that it would be easier if I had no reason to hope, because then I would not get these hopes up and I could avoid such crushing, recurring disappointment. But I do know God, and I do know he loves me, and so I do hope, even when I try to remain realistic.
So how do I handle this conundrum? How do I balance my hope and faith in God with the fact that it probably is not going to happen this month? I have no idea, but each month is a fresh opportunity for me to try a new approach.
Dealing with the Label
Along with hitting that lovely one-year-mark comes another issue. As much as I run from it, that term infertility is probably not going anywhere. We could still get pregnant this summer, but more likely we are going to struggle with testing, doctors appointments, expensive treatments, and so on for at least a little while if not much longer. So I struggle with the fact that only two people in my life other than my husband have any idea that this is going on. If this is going to be an issue for us, maybe we need support from our families. Maybe they should know. But for some reason it is hard for me to figure out how to tell them. And I do not even know if I want to.
When we started TTC we were firmly in the camp of "This is very personal, and no one needs to know that we're trying until we're 12 weeks pregnant." I think this would have been my attitude at any time in my life, but especially since I am pretty young to be TTC, I did not want to deal with questions or judgments about our life choices. We did not start this journey without careful thought, months of waiting, and both feeling ready. The fact that we are young is not relevant to us, because we are emotionally ready and financially able to take care of a child. I knew that people would question our judgment, and I did not want to deal with that.
But now that a year has passed and this dumb infertility label has shown up, I have no idea how to approach the topic, and I still do not know if I want to approach it. It seems horribly weird and awkward to bring it up, but it also seems weird to not have people know. Any other medical issues that J or I have are shared with our families, so omitting this one feels almost deceitful. But I think a part of me is still afraid that the judgment I feared initially might still be there. And what I absolutely do not want to hear is how we are young and we have plenty of time. Time will not fix this if nothing else is done. Also, even though I know we have lots of time, I am still sad and struggling. My life dream was to be a mom of a large family. I wanted at least eight kids, and I wanted to have them while I was young and have lots of energy. Even though I know that we will still have children one way or another, I feel this dream slipping away from me. I find it very hard to believe that we will have that many children, and I am saddened at the potential loss of my dream family.
So these are two of the issues that passing the one-year-mark has brought to the surface for me. I hate labels, and this one is my least favorite of all. I am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with it.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Trusting Through the Testing
One thing that has taken me completely by surprise while trying to conceive is the extent to which this aspect of my life has impacted my faith life. During the first year of trying each month that we did not get pregnant was a disappointment, and each month I would look forward to the next month and say, "Well, this month must have not been God's timing. Maybe next month will be when he wants to bless us with a baby!" And while it was a hard, frustrating year, that was generally good enough to keep me looking forward and trusting in God. As we approached that one year mark, however, I became more and more upset with God.
This is not the first struggle I have faced in my life, and this is not the first time I have expected God to do something for me that he has not done. There were several times in my teenage years when I was not very happy with "God's will" because it so clearly did not line up with what I wanted. But I always held on to this certainty that maybe God was closing certain doors in my life because he had something better in mind. I think the reason that this TTC journey is different is because getting married and having a family was the something better that I had been picturing all these years. God speaks so strongly in the Bible about what a blessing children are, I know for sure that he desires good things for his people, and I don't think there is anything better and more pleasing to God than having kids and raising them to know and honor him. What could possibly be the something better in this situation?
Everything I know about God, everything I've witnessed about Christian family, I just find it hard to believe that the reason that we do not have a baby yet is because God has something better in mind. What could that possibly be? What could be better than two people who love each other, who love God, who try to put God first in their lives, and who desire nothing more than to raise their children to fear and love God as well having a family? I just do not understand. I have also been told throughout my whole life that God knows the desires of your heart, and that he places them there for a reason. And so I am left to try to figure out why God has not blessed us with a baby yet if indeed he desires us to have children. Obviously it is not too late. I still think it is very likely that we will have kids. We are very young, and the chances are that whatever the problem is we can fix. So it could be that God fully intends to give us the family we dream of, but he just wants to teach us something first. But then if that is the case, it feels like this whole situation must be my fault, because clearly I do not trust God enough, or I try to control my own life too much, or some other sin or flaw that God wants to improve in me first. That sounds like a punishment of kinds to me, though, and I do not believe that God is like that.
So I am just left very confused and frustrated. I usually go to church on Sunday and come away sad, not just because we don't have a baby and I see all the adorable, happy little families at church, but also because all those people at church are praising and honoring God for how wonderful and good and powerful and loving he is. And I know they are right, and I know I should be happy and recognize all the wonderful blessings in my life, but because I do not have this one blessing, I just do not feel that happy.
Although it is still very much a process and a journey, recently God has been slowly and calmly revealing himself to me in small ways that reassure me and remind me that ultimately, God is good, he does love me, and it is going to be okay in the long run, even if I do not understand how now.
Yesterday I received a letter from my Grandma in the mail. She was responding to my worries about searching for a job and about J's leg, which has been hurting lately and which is another story entirely. She did not know about our struggle with TTC, but her words were wonderfully applicable anyway. She shared these verses from 1 Peter, which she said helped her when she was going through trials earlier in her life.
This is not the first struggle I have faced in my life, and this is not the first time I have expected God to do something for me that he has not done. There were several times in my teenage years when I was not very happy with "God's will" because it so clearly did not line up with what I wanted. But I always held on to this certainty that maybe God was closing certain doors in my life because he had something better in mind. I think the reason that this TTC journey is different is because getting married and having a family was the something better that I had been picturing all these years. God speaks so strongly in the Bible about what a blessing children are, I know for sure that he desires good things for his people, and I don't think there is anything better and more pleasing to God than having kids and raising them to know and honor him. What could possibly be the something better in this situation?
Everything I know about God, everything I've witnessed about Christian family, I just find it hard to believe that the reason that we do not have a baby yet is because God has something better in mind. What could that possibly be? What could be better than two people who love each other, who love God, who try to put God first in their lives, and who desire nothing more than to raise their children to fear and love God as well having a family? I just do not understand. I have also been told throughout my whole life that God knows the desires of your heart, and that he places them there for a reason. And so I am left to try to figure out why God has not blessed us with a baby yet if indeed he desires us to have children. Obviously it is not too late. I still think it is very likely that we will have kids. We are very young, and the chances are that whatever the problem is we can fix. So it could be that God fully intends to give us the family we dream of, but he just wants to teach us something first. But then if that is the case, it feels like this whole situation must be my fault, because clearly I do not trust God enough, or I try to control my own life too much, or some other sin or flaw that God wants to improve in me first. That sounds like a punishment of kinds to me, though, and I do not believe that God is like that.
So I am just left very confused and frustrated. I usually go to church on Sunday and come away sad, not just because we don't have a baby and I see all the adorable, happy little families at church, but also because all those people at church are praising and honoring God for how wonderful and good and powerful and loving he is. And I know they are right, and I know I should be happy and recognize all the wonderful blessings in my life, but because I do not have this one blessing, I just do not feel that happy.
Although it is still very much a process and a journey, recently God has been slowly and calmly revealing himself to me in small ways that reassure me and remind me that ultimately, God is good, he does love me, and it is going to be okay in the long run, even if I do not understand how now.
Yesterday I received a letter from my Grandma in the mail. She was responding to my worries about searching for a job and about J's leg, which has been hurting lately and which is another story entirely. She did not know about our struggle with TTC, but her words were wonderfully applicable anyway. She shared these verses from 1 Peter, which she said helped her when she was going through trials earlier in her life.
1 Peter 1:3-7
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
I can see why these verses gave her hope, especially the bold ones. The first portion reminds us that our hope is not in things or futures that we see for ourselves, but in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which gives our lives meaning and purpose. When Peter says "though now for a little while... you have been grieved by various trials" he reminds us that our time on earth is temporary and is not the big picture. The most precious thing we have is our faith, which is what enables us to give praise and glory to Christ.
It can sometimes be hard for me to apply this idea of "testing" to not having a baby, but I try to remember all the characters in the Bible who struggled to have children, and the way God loved them and eventually provided for them. Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Hannah, Zachariah and Elizabeth, and I'm sure there were more. In all of these cases faith was strengthened and God did eventually give children. I have only been waiting for a year or so. No one knows how long Hannah prayed to God before he answered her prayer. For now I do believe that one way or another, God will answer my prayers.
This doesn't make the journey any less hard. I still hate waiting, I'm still impatient, and I still have bad days where it takes every ounce of energy and effort to continue to believe that God will hear my prayers. I have days where it feels so much easier to just forget about God and tell myself that bad things just happen for no reason at all. And that is also true. We do live in a fallen world, and there are many bad things that happen for no other reason apart from sin and general imperfection. But that does not mean that God cannot work good into a broken situation. And God will daily give me the strength to remember this.
*I want to thank anyone who has stayed with me and read the whole thing. I am incredibly impressed. I apologize for my long-windedness. If you leave a comment I will thank you personally.*
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Waiting
I hate waiting.
Impatience
I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know. I epitomize impatience. There are two kinds of patience. The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry. This kind is actually something I do well. The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess. It is waiting for things to happen without losing it. Like I said, I hate waiting.
For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day. I wanted to be engaged so badly! I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married. I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it. And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship. Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience. Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect. It was adorable.
At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for. I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me. But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come. It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually. It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.
Waiting Impatiently
Right now there are two main things I am waiting for. One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside. I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job. In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August. In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great. I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago. The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game. And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position. At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money. J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years. I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.
The other thing I am waiting for is a baby. We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then. I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s. We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere. We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process. I know it will only get worse in the next few months.
When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me. Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable. If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.
Trusting God
Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.
Impatience
I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know. I epitomize impatience. There are two kinds of patience. The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry. This kind is actually something I do well. The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess. It is waiting for things to happen without losing it. Like I said, I hate waiting.
For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day. I wanted to be engaged so badly! I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married. I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it. And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship. Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience. Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect. It was adorable.
At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for. I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me. But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come. It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually. It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.
Waiting Impatiently
Right now there are two main things I am waiting for. One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside. I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job. In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August. In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great. I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago. The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game. And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position. At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money. J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years. I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.
The other thing I am waiting for is a baby. We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then. I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s. We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere. We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process. I know it will only get worse in the next few months.
When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me. Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable. If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.
Trusting God
Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.
- God loves me. If he loves me enough to send his son to die for me, then I know that he cares about my happiness.
- God will always provide for my needs. Not only does God tell us this in his Word (Matthew 6:25-34) but I know this from experience. Throughout our college years God has provided for J and I in some incredible, unpredictable, and wonderful ways. (I may share some examples in a later post.)
This knowledge does help me relax about not knowing if I will have a job or not. God has gotten us through some tight financial spots before, and I know that he will take care of and provide for us while J is at seminary. While I would love to know for sure that we will have a good income and be able to pay off our loans right away, it is enough for me to know that all I need to do is fill out applications, work as hard as I can to get a job, and God will take care of the rest and place me exactly where he wants me to be this fall.
I wish I could say that these two facts I know held any reassurance that I will have a baby soon. I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy, but when I do not feel happy, this knowledge is not as comforting as I know it should be. I hate the fact that the struggles of my Trying To Conceive journey have spilled over into my spiritual life, but they have. I know that babies are a gift from God, and I know that God tells us to have babies. It is incredibly difficult for me to understand why we do not get to be one of the couples who gets married and gets pregnant within the first year or so. It just seems like such a wonderful, natural rhythm, and while so many young couples I know are surprised when this blessing happens to them, I actually expected and desired it. So why am I the one who does not get it?
There will be more to come on this topic soon.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Hello, World
Welcome to my blog!
I have thought about blogging for a few years now, but I have never had the courage to do it. From the age of ten I have loved writing down my thoughts, activities, struggles, joys, and ideas in my journals, but I have always considered the internet to be too public a place to share one's personal thoughts and struggles. I do not know where this urge to share publicly has come from, and I do not really know what I hope to accomplish from this blog. I know nothing about blogging, but I am willing to learn, so here we go!
As the title of the blog suggests, my theme will be learning to trust God. I feel that this is the single greatest lesson I must learn right now in my own life and faith-walk, and I hope that this blog might be of benefit to me in my relationship with God. If it can help anyone else along the way, that would be wonderful. I have always hated those blogs, Facebook posts, or other public rants where people complain about all the negative things in their life. I am firmly resolved that this blog should never become a place like that. My goal is that each post, while it may contain stories of struggles, will also highlight hope, peace and joy that can be found in Christ even during the hardest of times. No matter how sorry I may feel for myself, or conversely no matter how happy I may be, the focus should always be on Jesus Christ, what He has done for me, and how I can best serve Him in my present situation. I hope and pray that my life may reflect that truth.
I have thought about blogging for a few years now, but I have never had the courage to do it. From the age of ten I have loved writing down my thoughts, activities, struggles, joys, and ideas in my journals, but I have always considered the internet to be too public a place to share one's personal thoughts and struggles. I do not know where this urge to share publicly has come from, and I do not really know what I hope to accomplish from this blog. I know nothing about blogging, but I am willing to learn, so here we go!
As the title of the blog suggests, my theme will be learning to trust God. I feel that this is the single greatest lesson I must learn right now in my own life and faith-walk, and I hope that this blog might be of benefit to me in my relationship with God. If it can help anyone else along the way, that would be wonderful. I have always hated those blogs, Facebook posts, or other public rants where people complain about all the negative things in their life. I am firmly resolved that this blog should never become a place like that. My goal is that each post, while it may contain stories of struggles, will also highlight hope, peace and joy that can be found in Christ even during the hardest of times. No matter how sorry I may feel for myself, or conversely no matter how happy I may be, the focus should always be on Jesus Christ, what He has done for me, and how I can best serve Him in my present situation. I hope and pray that my life may reflect that truth.
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