An Unexpected Blessing

God really is in control and he really does know what he is doing. When will I stop being surprised by this fact?

We received the most unexpected and pleasant surprise about six weeks ago. Our daughter turned one in October, and we knew we were ready to try to have a second-born. After the long and hard journey we went through the first time, this time we went into things with a more relaxed mindset. We knew that the chances were good that we would not be able to just "have another one," and we were prepared for disappointment. We intended to try, but we were thinking ahead to trying the medication route again, and we also had peace knowing that if we didn't conceive this time we would be happy to pursue adoption in the future.

I didn't want to go back to the place I was in emotionally when we were trying the first time. I wanted to put my trust actively in God, to give it over to him and his timing, and to be content with whatever happened. Even though that was my goal, I knew that it would not be easy. Trusting God is something I am constantly working on, and I don't think it's something any of us can master in this sinful life. But I knew that God had given me the most perfect and wonderful daughter in a way that I didn't expect and in timing that was his and not mine, so I wanted to trust him to continue to grow my family in his own way and time.


Six weeks ago we found out that we are expecting another baby!

It was a complete surprise, even though we were "trying" and even though the small age gap was just what I had always dreamed of. I hardly knew how to feel. I felt grateful, overwhelmed, joyful, and of course a little apprehensive, because this time around, I know just exactly how much work pregnancy and newborn care can be. I also felt confused and a little guilty, in a weird way. I'm used to thinking of myself as infertile now, and I've been working at coming to peace with that. Part of infertility is the community of women that I have gotten to know, through this blog and online in various supportive groups, and it is hard in a way knowing that some women who have been trying to have a baby since I started trying with my first have still not had that blessing, while here I am on my second. I know how incredibly painful that can be, and part of me feels guilty for getting so lucky while others are not.

Above all though I feel grateful, blessed, and in awe. In awe of my loving God, who cared for me and stood by me during those two years of longing for a baby, even when I was angry and hurt. Grateful beyond words that when I thought we were about ready to give up he blessed me with my little girl who I love more than I can ever say. And blessed and honored that he has chosen to give me another little blessing.

God's ways are higher than our ways and his plans don't always make sense to us. We will never understand why some things happen, and sometimes there may not be a good reason. But I know that God is good, that he loves us, and that I can trust in him. I know this not because he has given me children, but because he sent his son, Jesus, to pay the price for our sins and to reunite us with himself for all eternity. Even if I was still waiting for God to answer my prayer, I would know that he loves me.