I realize that I haven't posted in about a month. I promise that is not because I forgot, or because things have been better, or because things have been worse. I resolved at the beginning that I would not make this a depressed, ranting, complaining blog. The internet has plenty of those. I resolved to follow the advice of Thumper from Bambi and my mother: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
So it's been a month of silence from me. Nothing has happened really on the infertility front. My husband and I moved from one area to another so my husband could start attending graduate school. I started my new job, which has been going very well, but has kept me really busy. We have not found a new fertility doctor yet, so I feel like everything is kind of paused for us. I've been very busy with my new job so I have not had a lot of time to work on that, but that doesn't mean that time is going by fast or that I don't feel more and more devastated with each passing month of not conceiving.
To be completely honest, I have been very sad lately, and that is why I haven't blogged. My life is good, my apartment is good, I seem happy on the surface, and in many ways I am. But there is this undercurrent of sadness constantly. It keeps me from ever feeling completely 100% happy. It's kind of like numbness most of the time, and then like acute, sharp pain at other times. But I don't want to complain or dwell on my sadness, so that's all I'm going to say about that.
Hopefully something positive will give me hope soon, and I can come on here and write a more uplifting (or at the very least insightful) post. Until then, like the title said, this whole waiting thing is getting old.
Showing posts with label Finding a Job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Finding a Job. Show all posts
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Friday, July 20, 2012
Good News!
So apparently sometimes patience does pay off! God does listen to my prayers, and he does answer them!
This morning I was offered a job. Wonderful news! I have been searching for a job since March. While this is not a teaching job, it is still a job. I actually love what I know about the company so far, and I think that it is a position that I could become passionate about. It may not be in my major, but I still believe I will be able to put my skills and talents to work there. Right now I am hoping to start in two weeks. Life is moving very fast!
This week had the potential to be the best week of my life, a great week, or a devastating one. This week was the week that I would find out if I was pregnant after cycle 13 of trying, and it was also the week that I knew I would hear back about this job. I prayed earnestly to God for good news on both fronts, and I daydreamed about how exciting it would be to be pregnant and get a job all at once! But what I pleaded for is that at least one good thing would happen to me this week. I knew that it would be devastating to not get the job and not be pregnant, and while I knew I could handle it with God's help, I very much did not want to.
But God is meeting our needs. God has provided me with a job. And even though finding a job is in no way related to TTC, I still feel hopeful about that journey as well. I know that God loves me, cares about me, and does in fact answer prayers with a "yes" sometimes!
I watched "Facing the Giants" this week, and this movie reminded me that it is important to praise God when things go well, and also when things do not go the way we want them to, or when everything seems hopeless. God is worthy of our praise regardless of the difficulties in our lives. After watching this movie I resolved that even if I was not pregnant and did not get this job, that I would still praise God and put my trust in him. Thankfully, I get to praise God and thank him for giving me this opportunity! And I know that even though we still do not have our baby, God can provide that wonderful blessing in his own timing. And however long we have to wait, it will be worth it!
This morning I was offered a job. Wonderful news! I have been searching for a job since March. While this is not a teaching job, it is still a job. I actually love what I know about the company so far, and I think that it is a position that I could become passionate about. It may not be in my major, but I still believe I will be able to put my skills and talents to work there. Right now I am hoping to start in two weeks. Life is moving very fast!
This week had the potential to be the best week of my life, a great week, or a devastating one. This week was the week that I would find out if I was pregnant after cycle 13 of trying, and it was also the week that I knew I would hear back about this job. I prayed earnestly to God for good news on both fronts, and I daydreamed about how exciting it would be to be pregnant and get a job all at once! But what I pleaded for is that at least one good thing would happen to me this week. I knew that it would be devastating to not get the job and not be pregnant, and while I knew I could handle it with God's help, I very much did not want to.
But God is meeting our needs. God has provided me with a job. And even though finding a job is in no way related to TTC, I still feel hopeful about that journey as well. I know that God loves me, cares about me, and does in fact answer prayers with a "yes" sometimes!
I watched "Facing the Giants" this week, and this movie reminded me that it is important to praise God when things go well, and also when things do not go the way we want them to, or when everything seems hopeless. God is worthy of our praise regardless of the difficulties in our lives. After watching this movie I resolved that even if I was not pregnant and did not get this job, that I would still praise God and put my trust in him. Thankfully, I get to praise God and thank him for giving me this opportunity! And I know that even though we still do not have our baby, God can provide that wonderful blessing in his own timing. And however long we have to wait, it will be worth it!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Peace
A few weeks ago I was having a horrible time with everything. I was stressed and worried that I would never find a job, and I was feeling like God did not care about me because we didn't have a baby yet. I've felt that way before, but it was a very low week for me.
I asked J to pray for me, because I was having trouble praying. I asked him to pray for peace and joy, and that I would be able to be content with my situation and continue to trust in God. Slowly things started to feel better and turn around.
Nothing has technically changed since then. I still do not have a job lined up for the fall, and we still are not much further on our journey towards starting a family. It has been three weeks and nothing is 'better'. But I do feel that peace. I can pray now, and I feel that God is reaching down to me and reassuring me that it will all be okay. The last two weeks going to church has been an encouraging experience instead of a disheartening one, as I mentioned in a previous post that I felt it had become. I felt like the Bible passages and words from the sermon were just for me and encouraged me that God had wonderful plans in store for me even if I could not see them.
Right now I am on vacation and visiting family. I find that when I am around family I want a baby even more than when it is just J and I (if that is possible!). It is incredibly difficult, because people allude to when we have kids in conversation, and I have to just brush past that comment like it does not make my heart ache. But even though I feel that I want a baby now more than ever, I still feel calm and peaceful about it. I can't say with full confidence that it will happen, but I can say with confidence that everything will be okay, life will go on, and God loves me and has a plan for my life.
Praise God for giving me a taste of this peace! I hope it lasts.
I asked J to pray for me, because I was having trouble praying. I asked him to pray for peace and joy, and that I would be able to be content with my situation and continue to trust in God. Slowly things started to feel better and turn around.
Nothing has technically changed since then. I still do not have a job lined up for the fall, and we still are not much further on our journey towards starting a family. It has been three weeks and nothing is 'better'. But I do feel that peace. I can pray now, and I feel that God is reaching down to me and reassuring me that it will all be okay. The last two weeks going to church has been an encouraging experience instead of a disheartening one, as I mentioned in a previous post that I felt it had become. I felt like the Bible passages and words from the sermon were just for me and encouraged me that God had wonderful plans in store for me even if I could not see them.
Right now I am on vacation and visiting family. I find that when I am around family I want a baby even more than when it is just J and I (if that is possible!). It is incredibly difficult, because people allude to when we have kids in conversation, and I have to just brush past that comment like it does not make my heart ache. But even though I feel that I want a baby now more than ever, I still feel calm and peaceful about it. I can't say with full confidence that it will happen, but I can say with confidence that everything will be okay, life will go on, and God loves me and has a plan for my life.
Praise God for giving me a taste of this peace! I hope it lasts.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Waiting
I hate waiting.
Impatience
I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know. I epitomize impatience. There are two kinds of patience. The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry. This kind is actually something I do well. The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess. It is waiting for things to happen without losing it. Like I said, I hate waiting.
For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day. I wanted to be engaged so badly! I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married. I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it. And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship. Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience. Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect. It was adorable.
At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for. I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me. But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come. It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually. It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.
Waiting Impatiently
Right now there are two main things I am waiting for. One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside. I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job. In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August. In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great. I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago. The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game. And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position. At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money. J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years. I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.
The other thing I am waiting for is a baby. We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then. I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s. We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere. We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process. I know it will only get worse in the next few months.
When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me. Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable. If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.
Trusting God
Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.
Impatience
I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know. I epitomize impatience. There are two kinds of patience. The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry. This kind is actually something I do well. The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess. It is waiting for things to happen without losing it. Like I said, I hate waiting.
For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day. I wanted to be engaged so badly! I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married. I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it. And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship. Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience. Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect. It was adorable.
At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for. I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me. But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come. It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually. It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.
Waiting Impatiently
Right now there are two main things I am waiting for. One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside. I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job. In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August. In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great. I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago. The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game. And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position. At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money. J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years. I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.
The other thing I am waiting for is a baby. We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then. I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s. We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere. We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process. I know it will only get worse in the next few months.
When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me. Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable. If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.
Trusting God
Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.
- God loves me. If he loves me enough to send his son to die for me, then I know that he cares about my happiness.
- God will always provide for my needs. Not only does God tell us this in his Word (Matthew 6:25-34) but I know this from experience. Throughout our college years God has provided for J and I in some incredible, unpredictable, and wonderful ways. (I may share some examples in a later post.)
This knowledge does help me relax about not knowing if I will have a job or not. God has gotten us through some tight financial spots before, and I know that he will take care of and provide for us while J is at seminary. While I would love to know for sure that we will have a good income and be able to pay off our loans right away, it is enough for me to know that all I need to do is fill out applications, work as hard as I can to get a job, and God will take care of the rest and place me exactly where he wants me to be this fall.
I wish I could say that these two facts I know held any reassurance that I will have a baby soon. I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy, but when I do not feel happy, this knowledge is not as comforting as I know it should be. I hate the fact that the struggles of my Trying To Conceive journey have spilled over into my spiritual life, but they have. I know that babies are a gift from God, and I know that God tells us to have babies. It is incredibly difficult for me to understand why we do not get to be one of the couples who gets married and gets pregnant within the first year or so. It just seems like such a wonderful, natural rhythm, and while so many young couples I know are surprised when this blessing happens to them, I actually expected and desired it. So why am I the one who does not get it?
There will be more to come on this topic soon.
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