Remembering the Journey

I still have this picture framed on my nightstand next to my bed:

After our first ultrasound at the end of February last year I brought this home, our one picture reminding me of that little flickering heartbeat on the screen, and put it in this frame next to my bed. During those early days of pregnancy when it is so easy to worry and doubt and symptoms come and go I would look at this picture and remember that tiny heartbeat often. Then the next ultrasound came, and our little baby was bigger, jumping all around. I could have replaced this picture with a new one. I could have replaced it with a profile picture from our ultrasound in June. I could have a picture of my baby after she was born by now, but I still keep that first ultrasound picture in the frame by my bed.

The Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today I saw my little girl's heartbeat for the first time on an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 5 days along in my pregnancy, which means Little Girl was not even 5 weeks old. I can't believe the difference a year makes!

I still remember how nervous and excited I was at that ultrasound. I was hoping that I would get to see that little flickering heart beating, but I didn't know for sure. I hadn't had much in the way of symptoms, and I confess I worried a lot. But as soon as there was an image on the screen I saw that heart beating away. It was magical. 

It is so incredible to think that over the past year that little tiny flickering speck inside me has grown into this beautiful 4 month old baby girl with so much personality! What a blessing, and what a testament to God's goodness and design! Every time our daughter does something new and we see how fast she is learning about her world and growing in her abilities it is awe-inspiring to realize that just a short time ago she was still inside me. 

Blessings and Paradoxes

Pregnancy is full of paradoxes.

On one hand I cannot remember ever being happier than I am these days. I love our little one more every day, and I feel closer to her with every little kick and movement and with each ultrasound. She is such a sweetheart already! On the other hand I feel uncomfortable all the time. I understand now why women complain about pregnancy. It's just not always fun!

On one hand I want it to be October NOW! I want her to be born and to get to hold her and see her. But on the other hand I feel like there's no way we'll be ready by October. There's so many things we need and so many things to do.

Whenever I feel the urge to complain I try to remember how much I wanted her and what a wonderful blessing she is. And whenever I start feeling impatient I think about how four months is a very definite and short period of time to wait compared to how indefinite and hopeless waiting to conceive can feel. I know I've heard several women say that they didn't like how with pregnancy you never know when the baby is going to come and it makes it so hard to wait. I'm sure there's truth to that, but compared to never knowing if you're even going to have a baby, waiting for a baby to come is nothing. I mean, she will come eventually! I may not know a day, but I can say with confidence, "She'll be here before November." That is not indefinite at all! (I know I may regret saying that when I'm 30-some weeks pregnant and much more uncomfortable than I am now, but it's still true.)

I may not be in a place quite yet where I can honestly thank God for our struggles with infertility. I may get there someday - I don't know. But I am definitely thankful for the perspective our journey has given me and how much it helps me to not take this blessing for granted. I'm not saying that I've been perfect at this, or that I've never in a moment of weakness complained to Jonathan. I have. But I do know that every single discomfort and every day of waiting is 100% worth it, and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this experience.

This is how I know it will all be worth it:

Look at how beautiful she is! I am so in love already!

Despite every discomfort, I am feeling incredibly joyful and incredibly blessed these days. God has been very good to us!

Half Way There!

This past Thursday marked 20 weeks, which I realize isn't technically the half-way point of pregnancy, but it still counts as the honorary half-way mark. I can't believe how fast time flies! I'm sure that this is just the beginning of feeling this way and time will continue to go by faster and faster, but I am so excited to meet our Little One in October. Words cannot describe my excitement and impatience, and I'm sure it will just get worse!

Also this week, we had our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and discovered that Baby is a little GIRL!!! We are both so thrilled! Of course, we would have been very happy either way, but I think just knowing boy or girl makes me feel closer to her. I love being able to say "she" and "her" and I feel like I know her a little bit better now. It was so exciting to see her on the ultrasound too!

Everything is looking great so far, which is so comforting to hear. She was hiding a bit, though, and the ultrasound tech was not able to see everything she needed to see. Her head was deep down in my pelvis and the tech couldn't see her face or brain and only got a limited view of her heart. So I get another ultrasound in three weeks when I go back for my next appointment. But I'm not worried - there was no indication that anything was abnormal; they just couldn't get a look at everything they like to see. So hopefully Little Girl will show us her beautiful  face at the next appointment. I wonder if she's stubborn, or just shy!

Obviously we weren't able to get great pictures with her hiding like that, but here is the best one we got:

She was measuring on schedule - they couldn't get a length but she was approximately 10 ounces and her heartbeat was 144 bpm. I know she may just look like a baby to the rest of the world, but I think she's absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to meet her! 

Jonathan and I went out today to buy her something cute and pink. It turns out that I am very picky when it comes to shopping for my daughter. (Anyone who has shopped with me shouldn't be surprised - I'm really picky about my own clothes, too!) There are so many tacky, ugly, or just not cute enough clothes out there. All I want is for my daughter to have adorable, comfortable, classy clothes with no tacky messages or cartoon characters. I know I'll find enough clothes for her eventually, though. I just have to keep looking! Here are some cute onesies we did find:

Aren't they sweet? I can't wait to meet my daughter in about 4.5 months! I am feeling incredibly blessed today.

"You Knit Me Together"

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 5 days. We were able to have one so early because our fertility clinic always does an early ultrasound to make sure everything looks good before they refer patients out to an OBGYN. Our baby had only been conceived 4 and a half weeks ago, but already at that ultrasound, we could see a heartbeat. It was a flicker on the screen, but it was clear as day. The doctor didn't even have to point it out to us; we could see it clearly on our own. How amazing that so very early we can already see the baby's heartbeat! It was very special.

Our second ultrasound was almost two weeks ago, at 10 weeks, 6 days (or almost 9 weeks after conception). It was incredible! Baby already looked like a baby, was waving his/her little arms around, kicking and moving around in there, and acting completely adorable. We were told that Baby was measuring 11 weeks, 3 days, and my heart filled with pride to think that my baby was already "four days ahead." Now, I do know that this is really silly... it's perfectly normal for babies to measure a little bigger or smaller and it isn't a problem either way, but I couldn't help it. I would have come away from that ultrasound being proud of Baby for something no matter what. It was just such an amazing experience. After a few attempts (because Baby was so wiggly) the ultrasound tech was able to measure the heart rate - 156 bpm.

Humor me for a minute while I get up on my soapbox...

I can't believe that people can see an early ultrasound like one of these, see a heartbeat, or see an adorable baby kicking and moving all around and somehow think that this baby is not a person. If it isn't a person, what in the world could it be?! I now understand how effective and wonderful it is to be able to show pregnant moms who are not sure if they want to keep their babies ultrasounds so they can see the little person growing inside of them. When I saw my baby, no part of me believed for a second that the baby inside me was part of "my body." That Baby was doing all sorts of adorable things that I had no idea were going on in there. It actually made me feel rather clueless, like, "How can all of that kicking and dancing and wiggling be going on inside me and I have no idea about it?"  It was clearly another, separate, little tiny person living inside me.

I am unashamedly pro-life, as you will probably know if you have read my other posts. Even if I had not been pro-life before, I think struggling with infertility the way I have would have made me realize the value of life and how wanted every baby really is.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an "unwanted pregnancy" and absolutely no such thing as an "unwanted baby." Allow me to back that up:

• God wants the baby. This is the obvious one. God created that baby. God knit each and every one of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and regardless of the circumstances surrounding our conception and birth, God desires for every person He has designed and created to be born and to life a life to His glory, because He loves us all.
• The mother (or parents) wants the baby. Admittedly there are times when this is not true. We all know that, otherwise abortions would hardly ever take place. But I think it is sad that at times our society assumes that if perfect conditions did not surround a child's conception then the mother or parents must not want, be excited about, or love their baby. Even if a baby was unplanned, a complete surprise, or even came about after a "mistake" it is hard to carry a child and not love and want that child. We should never assume that a woman who is pregnant doesn't want her baby just because it appears to outsiders to be an inconvenient time in her life for having children. 
• Even if parents do not want a baby, God still loves that child. And, as I know from experience, there are countless couples who want that baby. After going through infertility and coming very close to turning to adoption, I see clearly that every single baby that is born is wanted. And not only is that baby wanted by God, but that baby is wanted by some person or couple somewhere who would give anything to have a baby. 

There just is no such thing as an unwanted baby, and by extension, no such thing as an unwanted pregnancy. No such thing. 

Getting down off the soapbox... Sorry about that, guys! But those are some of my thoughts since our last ultrasound.

To conclude, that ultrasound a few weeks ago was absolutely life-changing! I cannot believe how blessed we are to have this opportunity to have a baby. Over 12 weeks in and Jonathan and I still look at each other regularly and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening. God is so good!" Baby has only been around for 10 weeks or so, and already all his or her little organs are in place and beginning to function and he or she is wiggling and moving around and looking very, very human and adorable. It's crazy to think about, but God must just be very good at what He does.