My Favorite Time of Day

Funny, isn't it, how even though we love our children more than we can describe, even though we think they're so sweet, funny, clever and delightful, even though we look at them with such awe and wonder as they grow bigger and smarter each day, despite all that... Sometimes "nap time" is still our favorite time of day.

Maybe I don't speak for you, but that's where I am right now. I have a beautiful and smart little girl who is one of my all-time favorite people to be around and I have a cuddly, sweet baby boy who is so sweet and laid back and is starting to smile and interact with me more and more. They are my favorites and I love spending each day with them, but the peace and quiet of nap time is the time of day that I live for. Sometimes I just need an hour to myself.

Embracing Uncertainty

There is so much we can't know or anticipate about the future. We can always make plans, and as a planner, I always do. We can create lists, family goals for how many children we hope to have, financial goals for how much money we hope to make or save or spend on a house, career goals for what we want to do and where we want to live... Plans for how we will raise and educate our children. Plans for what parenting mistakes we will be sure never to make. Plans for where and how our next birth experience will go... The list goes on forever. We all like to plan, and we all like to feel control and autonomy over our future. But the more we plan, the more opportunities we have to learn about what happens when life doesn't go according to our plans.

The Gift of Pregnancy

In about five months our family will change in a big way. We will go from a family of three to a family of four. My baby girl will be a big sister, no longer the baby or only child of the family. We will have two precious children to love, care for, get to know, and enjoy. 

Of course, we really are already a family of four, even if most of the changes will come later. Pregnancy is such an interesting time. There  is so much anticipation, so much waiting, so many questions, so many possibilities. I tell my daughter about the baby in my tummy, but I don't think she understands quite yet. I talk to my husband about all the symptoms I have, or if I feel the baby moving, or the puzzle over what to wear in that awkward stage between your regular clothes and maternity clothes. He listens and is genuinely interested and supportive, but so far I am the one experiencing most aspects of this pregnancy.

Treasuring the Child Instead of the Childhood

If you've had young children then you know what it is like to feel invisible. You've been in the grocery store when a stranger comes up to your baby or toddler and strikes up a conversation with them, completely ignoring you. After a few moments they look up awkwardly, see you there  and either politely smile and walk away or ask how old your child is, because they need something to say...

Babies, Prayers, and Sunday Mornings

A couple weeks ago I looked at my daughter as we sat down for dinner and had an idea. She had been imitating a lot of things we did recently, intentionally trying to do what we were doing and be like Mommy and Daddy. So I looked at her and said, "Sweetie, can you fold your hands like this? Let's fold our hands and pray" and I folded my hands so she could see. Jonathan caught on right away and made a big exaggerated hand folding gesture too. We both sat there and watched her with our hands folded. She looked back and forth between the two of us for a few minutes and then she smiled really big and folded her hands too! We praised her, then bowed our heads and said the before-dinner prayer.

Now she has the routine down. She even bows her head, and when we say "amen" she applauds and smiles. It melts my heart! It makes me think she could have learned this even earlier. Several times she has even folded her hands and looked at me when I put her in her high chair, reminding me that it is time to pray. She is barely 1, and already, she can learn about Jesus!

One Year Later - 6 Ways Having a Baby Changed My Life

A few days ago we celebrated my daughter's first birthday. I cannot believe the way this little girl has changed my life. She is so sweet, so smart, so beautiful. It is an honor and privilege to be her parent.

I look back over the past year, and it has flown by. There have been hard times, many sleepless nights, and so much to do! But the thing that stands out for me is the joy. The smiles, the cuddles, the laughter and delight watching my little girl learn, grow, and do new clever and funny things every day.

Being a parent really does change your life. In some ways (okay, a lot of ways) it makes things more challenging, but it also brings blessings, both expected and unexpected. All those things I have read and heard (think, those listicle Huffington Post articles) about how being a parent changes everything and makes your life harder have elements of truth in them, but they are not the whole picture.

I thought about some of the ways that having a baby changed my life, and here is what I have to say about a few big ones I hear parents mention a lot.

A Tale of Four Octobers

October 2011

This is my last semester of real college classes. Next semester I student teach. I am focusing on senior seminar, classes, and helping my husband fill out seminary applications. And yet, although only a few people know this, all I can think about is having a baby. Each month the disappointment feels just a little stronger. Each month I spend part of that day that dashes all my hopes in tears.

We have been trying for almost six months now. It wasn't in the original plan to have a baby so soon, but the more we talk about it as a couple, the more convicted we are that using birth control is not right for us and is not trusting God with our future. And then somehow "not preventing" turned into "trying" and now we're approaching the six month mark and I'm beginning to worry.

Some of my friends and acquaintances who got married when we did are pregnant now. Most of them weren't even trying, which stings a little. We're young, and this is supposed to be easy. I've read the statistics that say that 80% of women my age get pregnant within the first six months of trying. 7-10% deal with infertility. The numbers are starting to look concerning as we hit that six month mark this month, but my husband isn't worried yet. I am determined to follow his lead and stay positive. It's going to happen any month now.

Discontent Despite the Blessings?

Today is one of those days where I've been feeling overwhelmed. I have found myself spending much of my time today wishing for things - anything from thinking back over past experiences and wishing they had been better to worrying about things far in the future. 

If I were asked to describe my life right now, I would have wonderful things to say about it.

My Experience with Breastfeeding in Public

When I first brought my baby girl home from the hospital, like most new moms, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't go out and breastfeed on-the-go for at least a couple weeks, mostly because I didn't know how to do it. Between the tiny baby, the awkward cover-up blankets, and the fact that I was still working out the kinks of breastfeeding to begin with, it just felt daunting. Add to that the worry that those around me might feel awkward, stare, or react in some way I could't predict to me feeding my baby, and I just wanted to stay home. Eventually I ventured out with my baby and my little blankets to cover up with, and as time went on I got more and more comfortable. These days I breastfeed pretty much whenever or wherever I want to, sometimes I ditch the blanket, and I feel pretty secure in almost any setting.

Breastfeeding in public... just throw the phrase out there in a room of parents and everyone will have an opinion. If I am honest people on both polar sides of the issue strike a nerve with me. On one hand there are those who would rather a mother remove herself from just about any social situation before she discretely nurse her child while out and about. On the other hand there are the mothers who seem to imply from their loud cries for equality and fairness that all "truly liberated and self-confident" women should feel comfortable just sitting down and nursing, cover or no cover, in any setting regardless of who else is there or what is going on! I find myself (as always) somewhere in the middle of the issue, but unclear as to exactly what I think at times. This post is just a few of my thoughts and experiences on breastfeeding in public.

I was raised with a strong sense of modesty when it comes to dress and appearance, but I also believe in doing what is best for my kid no matter what those around me think. So sometimes I choose to be discreet because it makes me feel more comfortable, but sometimes I just do what is best for my baby and feed her wherever and whenever she expresses hunger. There are of course situations that have come up that have made me feel uncomfortable. Some of the more uncomfortable moments have included:

The Sweet Side of Separation Anxiety

"Mama, Mamama... Mamaaa..." my little 10-month-old calls for me as she crawls around our new, bigger home, searching to see where I wandered off to this time. I come out to find her and see her on all fours, pattering around the kitchen (clearly where she thinks I usually am) looking for me. She sees me, her face lights up, she aims for me, and her crawling speed doubles as she heads towards me with everything she has. She gets to me, grabs my jeans, and pulls up to standing using my legs for support. Smiling up at me she continues to say, "Mamama! Mama!" until I pick her up. How adorable! Irresistible, right?

I do love it - the knowledge that my daughter finds my presence comforting and reassuring. She has always been such an independent and curious little girl that I have never thought of her as being clingy or a "Mama's girl." But her 10-month-birthday comes after almost a month of transitions: weeks spent packing our home into boxes and storing all our furniture, a two-day road trip, two weeks in our hometown visiting family and friends, and then moving into a new house that is much bigger than our old apartment. Our new home also means that she is in her own room for the first time ever (even though when she wakes up at night she is welcomed into our bed). It is a lot of change for her! And now I read that 10 months is the typical time for babies to experience separation anxiety.

So who can blame her for always needing to know where her parents are, or clinging to us hoping that we won't wander off again? It is only natural. Who can blame her for crying when we put her in her car seat? Sometimes the ride is short, but sometimes it is hours long, and how can she know the difference? Who can blame her for clinging to what is familiar, what she knows, or what she feels safe with? I understand - she needs me. She needs us. She needs familiarity, security, and comfort. And I feel blessed to be able to give her that.

Now if I am being honest, I do not always react positively to my daughter's clinginess. She grabs my legs as described above constantly, she would rather be held than anything else, she pulls at my lips and plays with my hair and digs her little baby nails into my skin as she tries to use me as a baby jungle gym. When my husband comes home for lunch or at the end of the day, sometimes I tell him that all I want is 20 minutes of time where nobody touches me. All I want is a few consecutive moments of personal space.

Parenting at 60 Decisions Per Minute

I have never been good at making decisions. I always agonize over any set of options. From the seemingly easy choices like which ice cream flavor I should go with to the harder things like trying to decide how to spend vacation time or how many hours a week to commit to working, decision making has always caused me stress. Anyone who has shopped with me in Vera Bradley knows this - I will go into the store knowing exactly what I want and be there for an hour trying to decide if that's what I really want to do.

People who are decisive make me envious. I have no idea what it would feel like to just know what I wanted to do all the time and do it without having to deliberate, discuss, sleep on it, and repeat.

I have made a discovery over the past year that will probably come as a surprise to no one - parenting is all about making decisions. All day long, all the time. As my daughter gets older, I find myself making more decisions and having to make them faster. It can be overwhelming!

There's the obvious, big decisions. Vaccines? What to feed her? Sleep training or co-sleeping or both? Very soon we'll be making decisions about disciplining methods, and eventually schooling, and it goes on and on. At least with those decisions you see them coming. You plan them in advance, do research, have conversations, pray about it, and then continually review and revise your decision as time goes on. Those decisions are hard, but they don't take you too much by surprise.

Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

Todd, Mark, Kate and Richard - A Story of Four Cars

On Tuesday evening we did something very exciting, something we'd been talking about doing for months now - we bought a minivan! He is a 2005 silver Dodge Grand Caravan and his name is Richard. (Yes, we are the type of people who name our cars.) When I look back over the past and think about my husband's and my experience with owning cars, all I can think about is how incredibly blessed we are and how God always provides in wonderful ways.

Between the two of us, we haven't had to buy a car since Jonathan bought his first clunker back in high school before we started dating. His first car was a 1994 Chevy Cavalier named Todd. There are so many funny stories about Todd, but really, the value in that car wasn't the vehicle, but the experiences. Jonathan spent so many days working on the car with his friends and we have so many funny stories and precious memories of learning experiences related to his first adventure and lesson in exactly how not to purchase a car. So many jokes made at that poor car's expense. So many good laughs. 

Bright, Colorful, Wonderful Messes

It happened today. I always secretly hoped that it wouldn't be me, that somehow I would end up being the one wife and mother that always succeeded in having a clean home without baskets of unfolded laundry sitting out and plastic toys covering the floor in every room. I really do try. I have a basket in the living room where all the baby toys go when they're not being used... hypothetically. Generally speaking, it isn't too bad around here.

Today I thought I was having a particularly good day home with my baby girl. She had played nicely by herself for little half hour segments of time here and there that had allowed me to do some work for my work-from-home job. We had taken a morning walk together despite the crushing humidity of a St. Louis summer day so I felt like I had exercised. We ate the same thing for lunch - Cheerios and yogurt - which just makes me realize how fast my baby is growing up. She took a decent afternoon nap, again I was able to get a thing or two done, though somehow not as much as I felt I "needed" to do. Then about a half hour before my husband got home from work I pulled out the cookbook and actually made dinner. I was able to utter the phrase, "Dinner is in the oven" when he came home, which always makes me feel like a huge success.

Little Moments

It's the little moments that mean the most. Those short, quick, every-day moments when everything is beautiful and perfect. Sometimes I try to plan a perfect, beautiful family day, complete with a picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, or some other special outing. And those can be great. But so often it's the moments that are unplanned that stick with me the most and remind me of how blessed I am to have the little family that I have.

I remember our first apartment and our first two years of marriage living in Wisconsin. It was a charming little town and we loved getting out and exploring it, but the most precious memories are sitting at our little table in our "dining room spot" with the sun streaming through the window, eating french toast, drinking coffee and just talking for hours.


I remember one or two nice dates we went on during those two years in Wisconsin, but my favorite memories are of us sitting on our living room floor eating freezer pizza and watching episode after episode of 24 or Battlestar Galactica together, just the two of us.

A Stay-At-Home Mom (With a Job)

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I plan to be a stay-at-home mom. I think about myself as a stay-at-home mom. And I am one, most of the time. After our daughter was born, I took 11 weeks off work. I started doing some work from home after about 8 weeks - just a few hours here and there - and then returned to part-time work at the 11 week mark. Right now I work two afternoons per week in the office and an additional 5-8 hours from home as time allows and as my job dictates. I like to think of myself as a stay-at-home mom, even though technically I work between 13 and 17 hours each week.

Now, we have been very blessed in that we have not needed child care. Jonathan has been able to be home with our little girl on the afternoons when I am at work, which is great. They get quality time together, I don't have a single worry about her, and it is free. I am also blessed with a great job that is very flexible about my hours and supportive of me cutting back to care for my daughter. I realize that I have been very fortunate and that I could have had to make even tougher decisions about jobs and childcare.

To be honest, if I could afford to not work at all, I probably would choose that route.

Searching for "Home"

My little family celebrated Easter weekend by travelling to Michigan to visit our larger family and friends and to worship at our home church. I always love going back "home." I have wonderful family who I enjoy very much, great friends who always make time for me whenever I am able to be in town, and I love the way we come back to visit and it seems as though we never left in terms of relationships with those we are closest to.

With our Easter trip still fresh in my mind and Call Day fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be "home," where "home" really is, and the reality of this life we have chosen. Jonathan will find out a week from today where he will be serving for his vicarage (which is like a one-year internship as part of his four-year MDiv program), so we will find out in a week where we will be living the next year of our life, and it could be anywhere in the country! And then once he graduates from seminary in two years, we could be placed anywhere for his first call as a pastor. While all that is exciting, it is also pretty terrifying, especially for someone like me, who still longs to live near home and near family and friends.

Six Months of Joy

A week from tomorrow my baby girl turns 6 months old. Jonathan and I looked down at her feet the other day and were shocked by how big they were! I remember when she was born, if there was a fluff between her toes I couldn't do anything about it, because even my pinky finger couldn't fit between her tiny toes. But now I can easily clean out the fluffs. That may be a weird way to notice that your baby is growing up, but it really struck me when I realized that. She's going to be half a year old! It's not fair. She's growing into a child and out of a baby!

Now, at 6 months old, she is definitely still a baby. Which I remind myself when she chooses not to sleep through the night. But I am so afraid that she is going to grow up and leave and I will be baby-less! I simultaneously love watching her grow and hit milestones and dread it. It is just happening too fast! I need time to process. And time to cuddle. And time to enjoy her babyhood. But time goes as fast as it ever did, and she is going to keep growing. And I guess that's a good thing! 

These past six months have been tricky. The first few weeks and months with a newborn were very challenging, and although it has gotten easier and better, parenting is hard! It's hard work. It's long hours. It's late nights. But I have never been happier. Because through the challenges, there is the joy. Every day. 

Remembering the Journey

I still have this picture framed on my nightstand next to my bed:

After our first ultrasound at the end of February last year I brought this home, our one picture reminding me of that little flickering heartbeat on the screen, and put it in this frame next to my bed. During those early days of pregnancy when it is so easy to worry and doubt and symptoms come and go I would look at this picture and remember that tiny heartbeat often. Then the next ultrasound came, and our little baby was bigger, jumping all around. I could have replaced this picture with a new one. I could have replaced it with a profile picture from our ultrasound in June. I could have a picture of my baby after she was born by now, but I still keep that first ultrasound picture in the frame by my bed.

From the Other Side of Infertility

The title of this post is misleading. I do not know if there is truly an "other side" of infertility. I'm still making up my mind on that one. We were diagnosed with infertility, we went through lots of testing, we tried a couple different treatments, and then, by God's grace and blessing, one of them worked when we were least expecting it. Now we have a beautiful, clever, spunky baby girl who is five months old today. She lights up our lives every single day, and every day when I see her I am reminded of God's goodness and how blessed I am.

So then, the infertility part of my life is over, right? Is it? I don't know. I certainly am happy right now. I certainly have what I wanted. I feel like the past two years changed me significantly. I met so many other women online who were going through the same struggles. I learned what it is like to go through something this hard, what it is like to have people not understand, and what it is like to have no idea what God is doing or where he is. And now I have a baby, so that chapter should be done.


I feel like what I am about to say next I say at the risk of sounding ungrateful, or of leading people to think I am not happy or content with my life right now. I promise, I am incredibly conscious of how blessed I am, hugely grateful, and I've never been happier. But I say this because I want anyone else who has felt this way to know that they are not alone. I say this because I don't think it's fair to women who are still struggling for me to just forget about that part of my life or go on as if it didn't happen.

The part of my life where I struggled with infertility may be over for now, but here are some things that have changed, and that will probably never go back to the way they were before: