My Favorite Time of Day

Funny, isn't it, how even though we love our children more than we can describe, even though we think they're so sweet, funny, clever and delightful, even though we look at them with such awe and wonder as they grow bigger and smarter each day, despite all that... Sometimes "nap time" is still our favorite time of day.

Maybe I don't speak for you, but that's where I am right now. I have a beautiful and smart little girl who is one of my all-time favorite people to be around and I have a cuddly, sweet baby boy who is so sweet and laid back and is starting to smile and interact with me more and more. They are my favorites and I love spending each day with them, but the peace and quiet of nap time is the time of day that I live for. Sometimes I just need an hour to myself.

Raising Children Without Clutter

I have always been drawn to big, open, clean and simply decorated spaces. I have a strong dislike for knick knacks. If something hasn't been used in a few months I start to daydream about getting rid of it. I don't want to own any kitchen gadgets that have only one special, rare use. I like basics, things that I can use regularly and that can be used for everyday tasks.

Although we have been married for almost five years now, I haven't gotten to really decorate a home yet. We have moved three times already and will move two more times in the next year and a half. That combined with renting means that I live wherever I am placed happily without painting a single wall or buying any new furniture. Our interior design style is currently, "eclectic free stuff that still functions" and we are happy with that for now. So while I don't know what color palette I prefer to decorate in or what furniture style is "me", I do know that my signature design preference is "less is more."

Loving simplicity and open clean spaces typically doesn't mesh well with having kids. Anyone who has children knows that they come with a lot of stuff. And not pretty stuff. Bright, primary colored, loud, plastic, many-tiny-pieces toys, endless stacks of board books, and lots of other useful and necessary essentials like diapers, lotions, soaps, blankets, sippy cups, bibs, and the like. It just goes on and on!

Scoliosis Story - Part 3: Feeling Loved

Part 1 - Unanswered Prayers
Part 2 - Surgery and Recovery

I thought I wouldn't want to remember anything about my experience with scoliosis or my surgery, but today when I think back on that time, I always remember it fondly. I never expected that would be the case, but 10 years later I am incredibly grateful for this particular experience.


I do remember that I was in pain, I do remember being embarrassed, I remember not being able to do things I wanted to do. But I don't remember how any of that felt. I don't ever re-live those negative aspects. What I do remember was the way everyone in my life at the time cared for me. What I do remember makes me feel so very loved.

An Unexpected Blessing

God really is in control and he really does know what he is doing. When will I stop being surprised by this fact?

We received the most unexpected and pleasant surprise about six weeks ago. Our daughter turned one in October, and we knew we were ready to try to have a second-born. After the long and hard journey we went through the first time, this time we went into things with a more relaxed mindset. We knew that the chances were good that we would not be able to just "have another one," and we were prepared for disappointment. We intended to try, but we were thinking ahead to trying the medication route again, and we also had peace knowing that if we didn't conceive this time we would be happy to pursue adoption in the future.

I didn't want to go back to the place I was in emotionally when we were trying the first time. I wanted to put my trust actively in God, to give it over to him and his timing, and to be content with whatever happened. Even though that was my goal, I knew that it would not be easy. Trusting God is something I am constantly working on, and I don't think it's something any of us can master in this sinful life. But I knew that God had given me the most perfect and wonderful daughter in a way that I didn't expect and in timing that was his and not mine, so I wanted to trust him to continue to grow my family in his own way and time.

Setting Aside the Need for Perfection

Last week my daughter and I visited an apple orchard with a some friends. It was a beautiful day, we picked a bushel of apples, picnicked, chatted, and had a great time. Before we left I picked up some apple cider and fresh donuts to take home to Jonathan. When I got home my daughter was asleep in the back of the van. I didn't want to wake her, so I asked Jonathan to come out and sit in the car with me. There in the driveway we enjoyed some cider and donuts together. 

The cider was perfect - fresh, Michigan, unpasteurized, delicious. If you have never had cider straight from an orchard, you do not know what cider is. The donuts had been taken out of the oven just an hour earlier and complimented the cider perfectly. We sat there in the car with the cool air, the sunshine, and the colorful fall leaves all around us. It was a beautiful moment.  

It wasn't picture perfect... we were in the car. The diaper bag was in between us, open with things spilling out of it. Our lunch items and picnic blanket from the outing were laying around, and we shared my travel cup to drink the cider out of. It was a lovely moment together, but it certainly didn't look "Pinterest-worthy."

Discontent Despite the Blessings?

Today is one of those days where I've been feeling overwhelmed. I have found myself spending much of my time today wishing for things - anything from thinking back over past experiences and wishing they had been better to worrying about things far in the future. 

If I were asked to describe my life right now, I would have wonderful things to say about it.

Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

From the Other Side of Infertility

The title of this post is misleading. I do not know if there is truly an "other side" of infertility. I'm still making up my mind on that one. We were diagnosed with infertility, we went through lots of testing, we tried a couple different treatments, and then, by God's grace and blessing, one of them worked when we were least expecting it. Now we have a beautiful, clever, spunky baby girl who is five months old today. She lights up our lives every single day, and every day when I see her I am reminded of God's goodness and how blessed I am.

So then, the infertility part of my life is over, right? Is it? I don't know. I certainly am happy right now. I certainly have what I wanted. I feel like the past two years changed me significantly. I met so many other women online who were going through the same struggles. I learned what it is like to go through something this hard, what it is like to have people not understand, and what it is like to have no idea what God is doing or where he is. And now I have a baby, so that chapter should be done.


I feel like what I am about to say next I say at the risk of sounding ungrateful, or of leading people to think I am not happy or content with my life right now. I promise, I am incredibly conscious of how blessed I am, hugely grateful, and I've never been happier. But I say this because I want anyone else who has felt this way to know that they are not alone. I say this because I don't think it's fair to women who are still struggling for me to just forget about that part of my life or go on as if it didn't happen.

The part of my life where I struggled with infertility may be over for now, but here are some things that have changed, and that will probably never go back to the way they were before:

Perspective

Never Take for Granted...

I must say, the past year or so has taught me so much, and provided me with a lot of perspective on life. Things that I used to take for granted, I now treasure. Things that I used to find terrifying are now no longer so scary. Things that I thought "just happened" I will never, ever take for granted.

If you know me well you might remember what my "biggest fear" is (or was). I used to say that one of my biggest fears in life was having all sons. I used to picture myself married with three or more boys and I just didn't know how I would survive being the only female in a household. I didn't think I could do it. Now, obviously I knew on some level that if indeed God chose to bless me with three or four or more sons and a great husband I would probably be happy. But I still thought it was terrifying. I always wanted my first child to be a girl just so that fear could be put to rest right away.

Not any more. Now I don't care at all. Boys, girls, whatever. Any children that God chooses to bless me with I will be ecstatic about. I am sure I would have before, but now that image no longer scares me. New perspective.

I think I always just assumed that I would get married, finish college, and start having kids. It was always in my mind and I never thought about it twice. (Okay, it did occur to me that it might not happen right away, or that it might be challenging, but I always just assumed it would happen one way or another.) So many people do get married and just have kids, and it is easy for them. I see the pictures on Facebook, and I am incredibly happy for these people, but a part of me always wonders if they really, truly appreciate how blessed they are. I'll bet that many of them do, but sometimes when things just happen we don't always realize how fortunate we are, and we don't take a moment to think that other people do not have these same blessings.

This made me wonder what things in my life do I have that others do not have? Are there blessings in my life that I sometimes take for granted? For all of us, the answer to these questions will probably always be 'Yes'. Maybe it's a good idea to take some time out and thank God for all of His blessings.

• I have parents who loved me and raised me in the church - such a blessing. I would not be who I am today without them. Everyone has parents, but not everyone had a childhood as happy and amazing as mine, or parents who raised them like mine did. I should never take that for granted, but should thank God (and my parents too) for that! 

• I have the most amazing husband ever - so lucky and blessed! I still don't know why such a wonderful guy loves me, or what he saw in me to ever decide to ask me out in the first place, but I know that I have an incredible husband and marriage.  I cannot think of a single thing that could be better in our relationship or a single thing I would change about my man. He is an incredible husband, is going to make a wonderful pastor and I know he will be such a great dad some day. Many people are not as fortunate as I am. I should never take him for granted. 

• I have some amazing friends. Friends who have maintained long distance relationships for years, and area always there for me when I need to talk. 

• I have a job. I'm 22 and I have a good job. In this economy, 'nuff said. 

• I have a really  nice place to live. My husband may be a grad student, but we are very blessed by the generosity of many people who support us while he is here at the seminary. 

I could go on forever, and maybe I will, but if you're reading this, instead of reading a long, long list of the ways that I have been blessed in my life think of the ways that you have been blessed in yours. What are some things that many people do not have that you take for granted every day?