Discontent Despite the Blessings?

Today is one of those days where I've been feeling overwhelmed. I have found myself spending much of my time today wishing for things - anything from thinking back over past experiences and wishing they had been better to worrying about things far in the future. 

If I were asked to describe my life right now, I would have wonderful things to say about it.


I would tell you that I have a really great husband. He loves me so much, he is very patient with me, we have four wonderful years of marriage in the books together, and we love and enjoy each other's company every day. My husband is a vicar right now, which is part of the process in our church body of studying to become a pastor. He is very busy, but he is doing things that truly matter, and I love to watch him succeed and thrive as he visits people, leads Bible studies, writes sermons, and gets to talk about Jesus every day... and for a living! What could be a greater blessing?

I would also tell you that I have a beautiful baby girl who will be turning one next month. She is everything I ever wanted, a joyful, sweet, energetic little companion, and I love her more than I can say. I spend virtually all my time with her, and on the rare occasion where I get some time without her, even if I'm enjoying the freedom, I'm always missing her. She is the best.

I am fortunate enough to be a stay-at-home mom for now, which I love. It has its challenges, but it is a blessing and exactly what I want to be doing with my time right now.

We are currently living in a beautiful home that is being provided by the church where my husband is serving. It is more space than we've ever had, by a significant margin! And I really love the layout and the decor, the bright, sunny dining area, the extra rooms, the big windows, deck, and backyard.

We also have the added blessing right now of living in Michigan again, relatively near to our families and most of our friends.

If you asked me about my life, I would tell you that it is great, that we are happy, that everything is good. And so, how is it that I still manage to struggle with being content?

I could talk about all the reasons I am blessed beyond measure, and I do, but inside, if I'm being honest, today is one of those days when my thoughts take a different turn.

"How am I ever going to get the house clean? My daughter hates the vacuum cleaner today, I can't clean the bathroom with her around, and with all these rooms, it takes forever even to tidy up and dust!" 

"The grocery budget... that's a joke! I know I've gone over this month. I can't believe how irresponsible that is. Why do I never leave the store without ice cream? Why am I not disciplined enough to learn how to coupon or shop around more?" 

"Ugh... my poor husband is so busy all the time. I just wish he was home more, but the poor man, when he does come home all I do is ask him if he's going to clean the bathroom or if he can play with Little Girl so I can get all my cleaning done. That's not fair. He's been at work all day. Why does he have to be so busy?" 

"I want new clothes. When I was the one working I got to dress up and wear nice clothes. Pencil skirts, blouses, sometimes even with heels.  Now my husband has all these new, professional outfits, and I can tell he just wants to wear jeans and T-shirts. It's such a waste. Oh, how I miss wearing dresses! I haven't worn a dress since I started breastfeeding! I'm never going to be done with that either the way this little girl is going..." 

"I never have time to read/blog/bake anymore. It's so frustrating! I just want a little time for me occasionally!" 

And then there are all the thoughts that start with "I wish we could afford..."


If I step back and look at the big picture, it is so easy to see all of the good things in my life and all of the ways that I am blessed. But if I allow myself to get lost in the disappointments and trials of each day, life can feel overwhelming and difficult. I think this is one of the reasons why it is so important to stop and treasure the little positive things, like a moment with a piece of cake and a cup of coffee, or a 20 minute walk in the sunshine, or sitting on the floor watching my daughter play. Because the small, negative things that go wrong each day sometimes feel like they have so much power to frustrate us and distract, but so often we overlook the small positive moments that we are given.

And yet, sometimes our negative feelings and discontentment are about more than petty issues like wanting new things or more time off. Sometimes we worry, are frustrated, and are discontent about big things that do make a difference. I still struggle with uncertainty about how and when we might have another child. There are some losses and struggles that we have all been through that continue to come back to haunt us. 

I want to choose joy. I want to choose peace. I want to choose to be grateful, content, happy and hopeful about those areas of my life that have been difficult. But we all know that doing so can be hard! Sometimes it is a daily struggle. I don't have any deep insights or answers, but in moments like today, when I realize that I've allowed myself to be discontent and to wish for and pine after things I do not have, all I can do is pray, ask God's forgiveness, and then redirect my thoughts to all the blessings I have been given. It isn't that easy, but it can be that simple. And we do not do it alone; God gives us this joy and peace that we seek as we turn it all over and trust in him.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~ Romans 15:13