Birth Story Part 2: New Baby Boy

For the first part of my son's story, see Birth Story Part 1: Unexpected Challenges.

Thursday, July 16th

We were scheduled for induction at noon, but as is typical the hospital was busy and we weren't able to get in until 3:30. We dropped our sweet daughter off at Nana's house and headed to the hospital. The most stressful part of the whole experience for me was being away from her for so long. We had never both left her overnight before and we haven't done it since. Doing so is a big deal for us - we don't have our kids babysat very often at all! So needless to say, I really was hoping this whole process would go quickly to minimize time away from her.

We didn't get things started until about 5:30 or 6, because the intake process just takes a while and then they had to do a non-stress test and quick ultrasound to make sure everything was still looking good and Baby was still head-down.

Birth Story Part 1: Unexpected Challenges

My son was born in July, and I am just now getting around to sharing his birth story. It wasn't what I had planned or what I wanted. His birth went well, he was healthy and I was healthy, but it still took me a while to come to terms with what happened in those crazy few weeks surrounding his birth.

I know I love a good birth story. There's nothing more magical than the moment a new little person enters the world and you get to meet him or her for the first time. But this little man's birth story starts a few weeks before the actual birth.

The pregnancy had been textbook, smooth, and even easier than my first pregnancy (except of course for the toddler I was wrangling and carrying everywhere). Our little man was due mid August, right after we were set to move out of our vicarage house. We had a great plan in place to have the baby while staying with my parents and then move back to St. Louis Labor Day weekend for our last year of seminary.

Things didn't go as planned...

Boy or Girl? Why We Love Finding Out

"I don't know how people wait to find out. I could never do that!"

"We wanted the birth to be extra special, and I wouldn't change the excitement of that moment in the delivery room for anything!"

"We wanted to be prepared, to paint the nursery and buy the right clothes."

"We didn't want to only get pink or blue gifts, and you never really know until the baby is born anyway. "

"There are so few real surprises left in life!"

"The surprise is the same whether it happens four months earlier or not!"

I think the reasons why some parents wait to find out and some parents want to know as soon as possible are really interesting. This is one area of parenting where I really think there is no right or wrong way to do it. From the reasons people give why they found out or didn't find out I am convinced that most of the time the underlying reason is the same.

The Gift of Pregnancy

In about five months our family will change in a big way. We will go from a family of three to a family of four. My baby girl will be a big sister, no longer the baby or only child of the family. We will have two precious children to love, care for, get to know, and enjoy. 

Of course, we really are already a family of four, even if most of the changes will come later. Pregnancy is such an interesting time. There  is so much anticipation, so much waiting, so many questions, so many possibilities. I tell my daughter about the baby in my tummy, but I don't think she understands quite yet. I talk to my husband about all the symptoms I have, or if I feel the baby moving, or the puzzle over what to wear in that awkward stage between your regular clothes and maternity clothes. He listens and is genuinely interested and supportive, but so far I am the one experiencing most aspects of this pregnancy.

The Other Side of Pregnancy Announcements

One of the most emotional aspects of being on the other side of infertility is knowing how to deal with pregnancy and birth announcements as both a proud mother and as someone who has been in the shoes of those who would give everything to be making similar announcements. Every time I post a baby picture, part of me cringes and hopes and prays that no one will cry or mourn when they see it. When I announced my first pregnancy I did so while publicly letting people know that we had struggled to get pregnant and that this baby was a wonderful miracle and blessing. I didn't want anyone to be hurt, but at the same time, I knew that hurt was inevitable.

An Unexpected Blessing

God really is in control and he really does know what he is doing. When will I stop being surprised by this fact?

We received the most unexpected and pleasant surprise about six weeks ago. Our daughter turned one in October, and we knew we were ready to try to have a second-born. After the long and hard journey we went through the first time, this time we went into things with a more relaxed mindset. We knew that the chances were good that we would not be able to just "have another one," and we were prepared for disappointment. We intended to try, but we were thinking ahead to trying the medication route again, and we also had peace knowing that if we didn't conceive this time we would be happy to pursue adoption in the future.

I didn't want to go back to the place I was in emotionally when we were trying the first time. I wanted to put my trust actively in God, to give it over to him and his timing, and to be content with whatever happened. Even though that was my goal, I knew that it would not be easy. Trusting God is something I am constantly working on, and I don't think it's something any of us can master in this sinful life. But I knew that God had given me the most perfect and wonderful daughter in a way that I didn't expect and in timing that was his and not mine, so I wanted to trust him to continue to grow my family in his own way and time.

A Tale of Four Octobers

October 2011

This is my last semester of real college classes. Next semester I student teach. I am focusing on senior seminar, classes, and helping my husband fill out seminary applications. And yet, although only a few people know this, all I can think about is having a baby. Each month the disappointment feels just a little stronger. Each month I spend part of that day that dashes all my hopes in tears.

We have been trying for almost six months now. It wasn't in the original plan to have a baby so soon, but the more we talk about it as a couple, the more convicted we are that using birth control is not right for us and is not trusting God with our future. And then somehow "not preventing" turned into "trying" and now we're approaching the six month mark and I'm beginning to worry.

Some of my friends and acquaintances who got married when we did are pregnant now. Most of them weren't even trying, which stings a little. We're young, and this is supposed to be easy. I've read the statistics that say that 80% of women my age get pregnant within the first six months of trying. 7-10% deal with infertility. The numbers are starting to look concerning as we hit that six month mark this month, but my husband isn't worried yet. I am determined to follow his lead and stay positive. It's going to happen any month now.

Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

Little Moments

It's the little moments that mean the most. Those short, quick, every-day moments when everything is beautiful and perfect. Sometimes I try to plan a perfect, beautiful family day, complete with a picnic in the park, a trip to the zoo, or some other special outing. And those can be great. But so often it's the moments that are unplanned that stick with me the most and remind me of how blessed I am to have the little family that I have.

I remember our first apartment and our first two years of marriage living in Wisconsin. It was a charming little town and we loved getting out and exploring it, but the most precious memories are sitting at our little table in our "dining room spot" with the sun streaming through the window, eating french toast, drinking coffee and just talking for hours.


I remember one or two nice dates we went on during those two years in Wisconsin, but my favorite memories are of us sitting on our living room floor eating freezer pizza and watching episode after episode of 24 or Battlestar Galactica together, just the two of us.

The Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today I saw my little girl's heartbeat for the first time on an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 5 days along in my pregnancy, which means Little Girl was not even 5 weeks old. I can't believe the difference a year makes!

I still remember how nervous and excited I was at that ultrasound. I was hoping that I would get to see that little flickering heart beating, but I didn't know for sure. I hadn't had much in the way of symptoms, and I confess I worried a lot. But as soon as there was an image on the screen I saw that heart beating away. It was magical. 

It is so incredible to think that over the past year that little tiny flickering speck inside me has grown into this beautiful 4 month old baby girl with so much personality! What a blessing, and what a testament to God's goodness and design! Every time our daughter does something new and we see how fast she is learning about her world and growing in her abilities it is awe-inspiring to realize that just a short time ago she was still inside me. 

7 Things I Might Have Thought about Parenting Before Becoming a Parent

"People should never complain about being pregnant." "Real women give birth without pain meds." "Parents should never, ever let their baby/small child use a computer or watch TV." "New parents shouldn't complain so much about being tired - we all get tired."

These are all really judgmental statements that I am sad to say have run through my head at some point in my life. In fact, I think all of us have had equally judgey thoughts from time to time. The world is full of people telling each other how to do things. How to do pregnancy, how to TTC, how to give birth, how to care for their babies, and how to raise their kids. I think that most moms are somewhat insecure about their parenting choices, because, let's face it, parenting is very likely the most important thing we'll ever do as parents, and there is really no good way to prepare for it. So my theory is that we take out our own insecurities and our need to feel that we're doing it right on each other - telling each other what works and what doesn't, what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do.

But over the past several years I have been in a lot of different positions, and I feel like I have a lot more perspective on this now. I've tried to conceive, I've dealt with the sadness and uncertainty of infertility, I've gone through the joys and difficulties of pregnancy, I've given birth, and I've managed to survive the first three months of parenting. During this whole process, I've made a lot of friends online and in person who have gone through these different life stages, and I've discovered that all of those judgey thoughts that I've had are silly, pointless, and immature. We all need to just stop it! We need to go easy on one another, and just be supportive and kind.

Here are 7 (somewhat random and disjointed) things that I used to think at one point that I now realize I was wrong about:

2013

What a year it has been! I think I can safely say that 2013 was the best year of my life. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but looking back on everything I cannot believe how incredibly blessed I am.

This year started in uncertainty. We wanted to start a family so much but were unsure how to pursue that goal. In December of 2012 we had learned that having a baby naturally was highly unlikely for us. We decided not to do IVF even though our fertility doctor recommended it as the best option. This left us with Clomid or adoption as our options. In January of this year we decided to try Clomid for a month or two and then start the adoption process if we didn't get pregnant. We fully expected to be adopting by the end of January.

In February we got an incredible surprise when that first test showed up with two lines. 2013 has exceeded all my wildest expectations and hopes! I was blessed with a very smooth pregnancy and an uncomplicated natural labor and delivery. And on October 21st, my world changed forever when my beautiful daughter was born.

Looking back I cannot believe how well this past year has gone. I could not be happier or more blessed. God is very good!

January 2013

February 2013

March 2013

April 2013 

May 2013

June 2013 

July 2013 

August 2013 

September 2013 

October 2013 

November 2013

December 2013 

Birth Story

I went back and forth many times about posting this. I struggled with whether or not sharing my birth story was "over-sharing" or not. It doesn't get much more personal than giving birth, and I have always been somewhat uncomfortable with talking about personal things. But at the same time I love reading other women's birth stories. Having a baby is one of the most significant, special moments in a person's life, and of course I would want to share that. Also, I find reading others' birth stories to be beautiful, so I assume that some people out there feel the same way.

Looking back on the day my daughter was born, it was both the hardest and the best day of my life. How is that possible? Well, anyone who has had a baby will probably understand. At the time I was going through pregnancy and labor I didn't want to share any details with hardly anyone - it was just too personal. But now that it's in the past, I feel more comfortable with it. So I decided to post a "cleaned up" version of my story. I left out many of the more graphic details, but I still caution you - if you're uncomfortable with birth stories, obviously you should skip reading this post.

My Daughter's Birth Story

Saturday, October 19^th

I worked my full 9-hour day on Friday, but wrapped up everything I had going on at work, hoping that it would be my last day in the office. I was feeling pretty good, so I told my co-workers that I was planning not to be back the next week, but if I still felt this good, I might come in on Monday and Tuesday. I had an appointment on Wednesday, so I was planning not to work that day or from that point on.

I was having contractions throughout the day on Saturday, but they were not painful, so I thought they were still just pre-labor contractions like I had been having off and on for weeks. These were a little stronger though, and were accompanied sometimes by cramps, which was new. I was feeling so poorly by the evening that we weren’t sure if we would make it to church on Sunday.

Sunday, October 20^th

I woke up in the morning around 1:30am with stronger contractions than I had felt before. And the crampy feelings were getting very painful. I watched the clock as I lay in bed, and after about 40 minutes I realized that I couldn’t sleep through these, and they were coming only five minutes apart or so. They weren’t consistent, but the longest interval in that time frame was seven minutes. I woke up Jonathan and told him what was going on. After we timed them for another half hour or so, he convinced me to call my doctor and ask about them, since they had been coming five minutes apart for over an hour. I called the exchange, and they connected me with my OB, who was fortunately on call. She said to keep timing them, and if they got stronger and were consistent for a while longer, I could go to the hospital. We tried to sleep some more, but I couldn’t sleep through them at all, and they were getting more painful. I got in the shower and they sped up to two to three minutes apart and continued to get more painful. We ended up going to the hospital around 6am.

When we got to the hospital we went to triaging and they monitored the baby for a while. She was doing really well, and when I was checked I was three centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. They told me I could walk around for an hour and they would re-check me at 7:30. We walked around between contractions, with me leaning on the wall and waiting for each one to pass while Jonathan rubbed my back. I was feeling them in my lower back the entire time. When they re-checked me, they said I was four centimeters, and they admitted us and moved us to a Labor and Delivery room.

While in the triaging room I found out that I had tested positive for GBS. My doctor must have forgotten to mention that to me, and I must have forgotten to ask about it, because I didn’t know until the nurse said that it was in my chart. That meant that I would have to have antibiotics during labor, which had to be administered through an IV. I had really hoped to avoid an IV, so I was very disappointed, and also frustrated with myself for forgetting to follow up and ask about the results to that test. Fortunately, because of my penicillin allergy, they had to give me a different drug than the one usually administered, and the one they gave me only had to be given every eight hours during labor, as opposed to every four hours with the standard drug. They allowed me to do intermittent monitoring and administered the antibiotic during the first round of monitoring so that I would be able to disconnect the IV and move around as soon as it was administered.

While getting my IV, the anesthesiologist stopped in to see me. I was planning to go all natural, but he came anyway to talk about options just in case I changed my mind. As a young teenager I had back surgery to correct Scoliosis, and I have a long spinal fusion and rods in my back. I showed the anesthesiologist my x-rays and after looking at them for a few minutes he said that he would not give me an epidural. With how low my rods extended and all the scar tissue that was there, he thought it very likely that it would not work, or that there would be complications. He said that if I ended up needing an emergency C-section, he would attempt to do a spinal, but if that didn’t work it would have to be general anesthesia. At this point it didn’t bother me too much to know that I couldn’t have an epidural, because I had been planning to go without anyway.

We alternated between walking around the hospital and using the exercise ball for hours as the contractions kept coming. They were still coming around 3 minutes or so apart at this point and were very consistent. Around 1pm my doctor arrived and checked me. She said I was still only four centimeters. She wanted to start pitocin to help get things going, but I told her that I would not be able to have an epidural and was therefore afraid of the stronger, more painful contractions that I heard accompany pitocin. She agreed that in that case she would not recommend that route, and said that my other option was to go home. She said the contractions were not strong or painful enough to dilate all the way and that they might peter off or they might get stronger, but at this point they weren't strong enough for me to stay in the hospital if I wasn't progressing.

I went home. We got home around 2:30pm and I laid down with a heating pad and tried to take a nap. I may have gotten an hour or two of sleep in between the contractions. They slowed down to every 20 minutes or so, but never went away. I didn't know if our baby girl would still be born soon, or if the contractions would stop and I’d have to wait for days longer. It was stressful, and on top of that my doctor had told me that the contractions would have to be much, much more painful, which was scary since I was already in so much pain with each one.

Jonathan and I tried to go to bed Sunday night, but by 11:30pm the contractions were coming every 5 minutes again and I knew for sure that this was different. They were so much more painful than they had been earlier that day that I couldn't keep from crying out with each one. I tried getting in the shower, but they were so painful and coming so close together that the shower did nothing to alleviate the pain. I could barely stand up through them anymore.

Jonathan quickly re-packed the car and we went back to the hospital. We were admitted again just a few minutes after midnight.

Monday, October 21^st

When we were admitted I was five centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. I spent the next two or three hours on a birthing ball, with my head resting on the bed between contractions. I was so tired I could hardly think, and the contractions were so much more painful than they had been earlier in the day. They were coming so close together that I felt like I didn’t get much of a  break between each one. Jonathan sat there behind me the whole time rubbing my back and saying encouraging things. I didn’t have energy to acknowledge him, but having him there was very comforting. My water broke sometime around 2am. Around 3am or so my nurse checked me again and I was seven centimeters. I was glad to be making progress, but I didn’t know how I could possibly survive at this rate until we got to ten. I don’t know what would have happened if an epidural had been an option for me – I might very well have asked for one at some point. I hope I would have resisted the temptation, but I can't say that I would have with any confidence. They did offer to give me other pain medication through an IV, but I asked if there were side effects for the baby, and they said it would make her sleepy. I said I would see if I could go without, and I’m glad I didn’t give in, but I seriously considered it.

At this point my nurse suggested I get in the shower. I’m so glad she was there to make me do it, because it helped a lot. It didn’t really help with the pain, but I went from seven to ten in about an hour and a half or so in the shower. At that point I felt the urge to push, so I got out of the shower and went back to the bed. The nurse never told me not to push, she said I could go right ahead and she got on the phone and got everyone in the room as fast as she could. Thankfully, I only had to push for 45 minutes or so. My doctor got there about five to ten minutes before our daughter was born.

Those 5½ hours from midnight to 5:30am were easily the hardest hours of my life. Jonathan and my nurse kept reassuring me that I was doing really well, that my daughter would be here any minute, and that they could see her head, etc. I don’t think I processed any of that. I hardly knew what I was doing. But Jonathan tells me that the second that she was born it was like a switch was flipped – my face changed from one expressing sheer pain to the happiest he’d ever seen me. I think my first joyful thought on seeing her was she’s out; that means I’m not in labor anymore! Thank God, I’m done!  But instantly following that thought I really saw her, and she was so beautiful, so perfect, even all slimy and messy. They wiped her off quickly and gave her to me and I was able to hold her for the next hour and a half or so. I hardly noticed what happened next, because I had my beautiful daughter in my arms. She had so much dark hair, and she looked so much like Jonathan! We were both in love instantly.

After they were done stitching me up, the nurse helped me get her into position and start breastfeeding. She did very well at that, and I fed her for 30 minutes or so. They let me hold her while they gave her her shot and eye ointment, and she did so well with all of that. Eventually they took her and gave her a bath, but I could still see her from my bed and watched. One of the most amazing things was that while she was crying during the bath, if Jonathan or I talked to her she calmed down right away. It was so obvious that she knew our voices.

Our daughter was born at 5:36am, 6lbs, 1oz, and absolutely beautiful after over 27 hours of completely natural, medication-free labor. I can't take credit for any of that, though. She is a beautiful, miraculous gift from God, and the fact that I made it through those 27 hours on only a few hours of sleep - I can only thank God that I survived that as well.

I also have to be thankful in a strange way for my back surgery and for the anesthesiologist who refused to give me an epidural. Having that option off the table helped me resist the temptation to take the pitocin when my doctor suggested it. Clearly I didn't need it, as I gave birth all on my own about 14 hours after it was offered.  I really did want to go all-natural, and considering how very hard it was, I'm glad that it was really my only option because I very well might have had a much different, more complicated story otherwise. God really does know what He is doing!

Due Dates and Frequently Asked Questions

I made it to my due date! Jonathan and I are very excited to meet our little girl very, very soon! It's a little hard to wait, not knowing exactly when she'll get here, but I do know for sure that it will be soon. I am 99% sure she'll be here sometime in the next two weeks, and I will finally get to hold her and see her face, and see the look on Jonathan's face when he holds her for the first time. I've honestly never been so excited for anything in my life, and sure, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impatient. But I'm working to maintain perspective here. I've been waiting for this little girl for three years, most of that time not knowing if or when she would ever come. And I've been waiting for her knowing that she would come for almost nine months. So waiting for one or two more weeks, being absolutely certain that she will show up any day - not that hard in the grand scheme of things. It will happen!

As anyone who has ever been pregnant knows, in the month before (and for 50% of women days after) your due date, you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again. So I thought I'd do an FAQ blog post, and answer all those questions in one swing.

Q: When is the baby coming? Do you think she'll be here soon?

A: I don't know. How would I know? I found this great website though, with what looks like a very objective, scientific and statistically significant study on when babies usually come. Check out the whole site for more fascinating statistics on when babies come, but here is a page bookmarked with my due date and odds of having a baby in the coming days.

When Will Baby Petzold Come?

Note that there is a 56% chance of her coming within the next week, but that does mean that there's a pretty high chance that she'll take even longer than that. 

Q: How do you feel?/When do you feel like she'll be born?

A: I feel great, normal, and not that tired or uncomfortable. I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks. What a blessing! I've had a really easy pregnancy, and I can't complain at all. I don't feel anything that makes me thing she'll be born any time soon, but that doesn't mean she couldn't come any time! I hope she does come soon! I can't wait to meet her! 

Q: How long will "they" let you go before they induce?

A: Whoever this "they" is, I'm not going to be induced unless I think it's medically necessary. And that will have nothing to do with the date on the calendar. That's just how I feel about it. My doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced and I said no, so she said that was fine, and we didn't have to schedule an induction. I had a non-stress test yesterday, and she is doing very, very well in there. She passed the test with flying colors, and there is no reason to worry about anything at this point. I have another appointment next Wednesday, and we'll just keep waiting until either A. she comes on her own, or B. something serious happens that makes it medically necessary to do something different. We're praying for option A, obviously! She's still growing, her heartbeat is great, and both she and I are doing really well, so if she wants to wait another few weeks, that's her choice. :) 

Q: Are you ready?

A: This question has two possible meanings, so I'll answer them separately. 

Do you mean am I ready practically speaking? Yes! Do you know me? I'm Christa. I've been ready since 37 weeks, you know, just to be safe! The crib is set up, the car seat is installed, all her clothes and blankets are clean and neatly folded in her dresser. Her closet is organized. We have a mountain of diapers in various sizes and everything I can think of that we need. Of course, I'm sure something will come up that we didn't expect, but we're prepared for that to happen. (And I might add... all the tiny pink clothes are adorable, and I can't wait for her to get here so she can see them and use all her cute things! I know she won't appreciate them as much as I do... but that doesn't matter!) We're also stocked up on groceries, the apartment is pretty clean, and I've been trying to keep up on laundry. We're in good shape here! 

Or did you mean am I ready to be a parent and take care of an infant and have my life change in one of the most significant ways it ever will? Well, probably not entirely, but I feel like we're as ready as anyone is. I have been waiting and daydreaming about this day for three years at least, probably more. And I know there's no way to really be ready for something this big, something this significant, or something this important. But I feel like I'm as ready as I'll ever be! 

Also, even though people don't usually ask me, Jonathan is really ready too! He is every bit as excited as I am, and it's so much fun to be excited with him! He told me today that every time his phone rings he gets really excited because he hopes it might be me and his daughter might be coming. Aww! :) I absolutely cannot wait to see him with her! 

Q: We want a picture! 

A: Okay, fine. :)

And the inevitable follow-up question/comment I always get when I tell people when I'm due or how far along I am...

Q: You look so small! You don't look like you're 40 weeks pregnant! 

A: Yes, yes I know. (And that's not a question!) I've been measuring small my entire pregnancy. I blame my short torso somehow. Do not worry; Baby is measuring just fine and growing consistently! And I don't feel that small, so... 

If you have a question that you don't see answered here there are two possibilities. Either it's too personal, and I wouldn't have answered it anyway, or I didn't think of it and I'm sorry! But hopefully this is enough of an update to keep all my wonderful and excited friends and family happy while they wait with us for the next day or two or five or ten or...

I love you all!

30 Weeks

As of Thursday this past week, I'm officially 30 weeks pregnant.

Taken at 29 weeks.

On many days I still can't believe this is happening for me. How can such a wonderful blessing really be mine? How is it possible that two months from now I could be holding my daughter in my arms? How can God be so good and loving and gracious to me?

I feel her move regularly now, often throughout the day. I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel like she's already developing so much personality! Sometimes I think I feel her foot (or some appendage) pressed up against my side, but when I feel it she immediately pulls it away. She's so sneaky! Every move she makes in there feels adorable to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I already know she's cute because her little movements feel so precious and sweet!

I already love her so much and I just wish there was more I could do for her right now. I know that she's just in there growing, and there's not a lot I can do for her beyond eating well, resting, and waiting for her to be ready to come out, but I just feel like that isn't enough. I feel the need to get everything ready and have it all together before she gets here. Hopefully I can do that! But there is still so much that needs to be done. I need to pick a pediatrician, we need to get her furniture and get the rooms rearranged. There just feels like there's so much to do!

And yet I'm sitting here on a Saturday and I can't call pediatricians because they're all closed on weekends, and we don't have any furniture yet so I can't arrange that... I'm just sitting here, waiting. I definitely feel the urge to nest, but there's nothing I can do today. So I'm just sitting here, feeling her move around in there, waiting...

But as I sit here waiting, I feel so very blessed. God has been so incredibly good to me. I know how much I struggled to understand why before I got pregnant. And I know that I didn't always trust God to answer my prayers. I didn't know if he would give me this incredible gift or not. And I still don't know why. I don't know why we struggled, and I don't know why our prayers were answered. I don't know why I have been blessed in this way while others continue to wait. I know that life is never fair. But today, I am so happy. Today I feel my daughter moving, kicking, poking and prodding at me, and I can't stop thinking of this verse:

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me the desires of my heart." ~ 1 Samuel 1:27

Words fail me. How can I ever express how grateful I am, or how incredibly blessed I feel?

Blessings and Paradoxes

Pregnancy is full of paradoxes.

On one hand I cannot remember ever being happier than I am these days. I love our little one more every day, and I feel closer to her with every little kick and movement and with each ultrasound. She is such a sweetheart already! On the other hand I feel uncomfortable all the time. I understand now why women complain about pregnancy. It's just not always fun!

On one hand I want it to be October NOW! I want her to be born and to get to hold her and see her. But on the other hand I feel like there's no way we'll be ready by October. There's so many things we need and so many things to do.

Whenever I feel the urge to complain I try to remember how much I wanted her and what a wonderful blessing she is. And whenever I start feeling impatient I think about how four months is a very definite and short period of time to wait compared to how indefinite and hopeless waiting to conceive can feel. I know I've heard several women say that they didn't like how with pregnancy you never know when the baby is going to come and it makes it so hard to wait. I'm sure there's truth to that, but compared to never knowing if you're even going to have a baby, waiting for a baby to come is nothing. I mean, she will come eventually! I may not know a day, but I can say with confidence, "She'll be here before November." That is not indefinite at all! (I know I may regret saying that when I'm 30-some weeks pregnant and much more uncomfortable than I am now, but it's still true.)

I may not be in a place quite yet where I can honestly thank God for our struggles with infertility. I may get there someday - I don't know. But I am definitely thankful for the perspective our journey has given me and how much it helps me to not take this blessing for granted. I'm not saying that I've been perfect at this, or that I've never in a moment of weakness complained to Jonathan. I have. But I do know that every single discomfort and every day of waiting is 100% worth it, and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this experience.

This is how I know it will all be worth it:

Look at how beautiful she is! I am so in love already!

Despite every discomfort, I am feeling incredibly joyful and incredibly blessed these days. God has been very good to us!

Half Way There!

This past Thursday marked 20 weeks, which I realize isn't technically the half-way point of pregnancy, but it still counts as the honorary half-way mark. I can't believe how fast time flies! I'm sure that this is just the beginning of feeling this way and time will continue to go by faster and faster, but I am so excited to meet our Little One in October. Words cannot describe my excitement and impatience, and I'm sure it will just get worse!

Also this week, we had our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and discovered that Baby is a little GIRL!!! We are both so thrilled! Of course, we would have been very happy either way, but I think just knowing boy or girl makes me feel closer to her. I love being able to say "she" and "her" and I feel like I know her a little bit better now. It was so exciting to see her on the ultrasound too!

Everything is looking great so far, which is so comforting to hear. She was hiding a bit, though, and the ultrasound tech was not able to see everything she needed to see. Her head was deep down in my pelvis and the tech couldn't see her face or brain and only got a limited view of her heart. So I get another ultrasound in three weeks when I go back for my next appointment. But I'm not worried - there was no indication that anything was abnormal; they just couldn't get a look at everything they like to see. So hopefully Little Girl will show us her beautiful  face at the next appointment. I wonder if she's stubborn, or just shy!

Obviously we weren't able to get great pictures with her hiding like that, but here is the best one we got:

She was measuring on schedule - they couldn't get a length but she was approximately 10 ounces and her heartbeat was 144 bpm. I know she may just look like a baby to the rest of the world, but I think she's absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to meet her! 

Jonathan and I went out today to buy her something cute and pink. It turns out that I am very picky when it comes to shopping for my daughter. (Anyone who has shopped with me shouldn't be surprised - I'm really picky about my own clothes, too!) There are so many tacky, ugly, or just not cute enough clothes out there. All I want is for my daughter to have adorable, comfortable, classy clothes with no tacky messages or cartoon characters. I know I'll find enough clothes for her eventually, though. I just have to keep looking! Here are some cute onesies we did find:

Aren't they sweet? I can't wait to meet my daughter in about 4.5 months! I am feeling incredibly blessed today.

14 Weeks

I entered the 2nd trimester on Thursday! I can't express how relieved and how much better I feel to be past that 14 week mark. Today I am 14 weeks, 4 days, and I am loving being pregnant! I mean... sure it's uncomfortable sometimes and I'm tired a lot, but I have never been happier or more excited about the future.

On Saturday Jonathan and I were at the mall, and we went to look at the baby things in the department store together for the first time. Oh. My. Goodness. Baby clothes are so very cute! We were hoping to find something adorable and gender-neutral that we could buy the baby, but we didn't see a single item of clothing we thought was truly gender neutral. They were all either too feminine for HIS son, or not adorable enough for our daughter. I am more excited and anxious than ever to find out if we're having a girl or a boy now, so that I can run back to the store and buy something adorable for him/her.

(On an only slightly related note - what is up with the baby outfits that have little smarty sayings on them? Do parents really think it is cute to brag about how attractive they are, how much their kid loves them, etc. by putting messages on their baby? Or maybe I just don't understand. I can't help thinking that clothes with messages on them are tacky, but then that could just be me. I don't have any message T's myself, so that could just be my own style preference. I do feel like it's especially awkward when it's on a baby though, since they so clearly didn't pick it out themselves!)

I have a confession to make - although I've known that I am pregnant for close to three months now, I've still had to work hard at trusting God. My blog is called "Learning to Trust" for a reason, and it is not time to re-name it yet. It is such a process, and I know that it is something that I will be working on my whole life. Even after I found out that God had answered my every prayer and blessed me in this incredible way, I still worried. I worried that something would go wrong, or that the baby wouldn't make it. I felt that it was too good to be true, and I waited for the catch. It was very hard to go in a day or so from feeling that this would never happen to knowing that it had. Now that I'm through the first trimester, it is obviously easier for me to not worry and to trust God that everything will be okay.

I am so glad that God is forgiving, always there for me, and full of grace. I know that throughout life there will always be opportunities to grow in my ability to trust Him. I know I'll never get there, but hopefully with His help, I'll continue to get closer.

You Are Not Alone

There is a reason that I have chosen to share my blog on my Facebook (which as far as I'm concerned, is basically making it public). I tend to be a very private person, and I do not typically share my personal life with those who are not very close family or friends. And even then, I tend to try to hold my emotions in check. I still feel a little uneasy sometimes about how open and vulnerable some of my past posts might be. But this, my struggles with infertility, I really thought needed to be shared. 

I think one of the things that made the past few years so hard for me is how completely unexpected having trouble getting pregnant was to me. I had never really heard about or from couples who struggled to get pregnant, and I understand why. Infertility is usually a very private struggle, and people usually do not feel comfortable talking about it. I know I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I didn't for the most part. I had one or two friends that I talked to, and a supportive group of online friends, but for a long time I didn't share with my family or most of my friends. Life went on around me, people announced pregnancies, people made comments about babies around us, no one intentionally said anything to hurt me, but it is impossibly hard to be going through something like infertility and know that no one has a clue what you are feeling or how comments, pregnancy announcements, and other completely normal events for everyone else affect you. 

Infertility affects at least 1 in 10 couples. I have heard 1 in 7 before too, but even supposing it's just 1 in 10, that's A LOT! And it's not only couples who waited until they were in their 30s to have kids; we are in our early 20s, and we both have fertility issues. 

I felt that it was very important to share my story, because I know that if the statistics speak the truth, many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances must be dealing with this, probably in silence. If you struggled to get pregnant, are struggling, or even if you're still in that first year of trying and are realizing that it can take month after painful, frustrating month of trying and waiting, I just want you to know that you're not alone! If you ever need anyone to talk to who has been there or understands, I am always available. 

I know that I have been blessed with a wonderful gift to be expecting our Baby, and I treasure and savor every minute of this pregnancy that I waited so long for. One of the things that is so hard for those struggling for infertility to listen to is pregnant women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I understand a little better - pregnancy can be pretty uncomfortable. (And I know all women who have ever been pregnant realize that is a major understatement!) But I still remember what it was like to see or hear pregnancy complaints, and to think that I would give anything in the world to feel that miserable and be pregnant. So I do my best to remember that feeling now. Every time I feel awful from morning sickness, sheer exhaustion, or whatever else, it reminds me of how much I wanted to feel this way, and how many times I begged God to allow me to feel this way. I am beyond grateful to have this wonderful blessing and opportunity. But I do want anyone out there who hasn't gotten their miracle yet and who is struggling through the pain of infertility to know that I know how that feels and that they are not alone. 

"You Knit Me Together"

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 5 days. We were able to have one so early because our fertility clinic always does an early ultrasound to make sure everything looks good before they refer patients out to an OBGYN. Our baby had only been conceived 4 and a half weeks ago, but already at that ultrasound, we could see a heartbeat. It was a flicker on the screen, but it was clear as day. The doctor didn't even have to point it out to us; we could see it clearly on our own. How amazing that so very early we can already see the baby's heartbeat! It was very special.

Our second ultrasound was almost two weeks ago, at 10 weeks, 6 days (or almost 9 weeks after conception). It was incredible! Baby already looked like a baby, was waving his/her little arms around, kicking and moving around in there, and acting completely adorable. We were told that Baby was measuring 11 weeks, 3 days, and my heart filled with pride to think that my baby was already "four days ahead." Now, I do know that this is really silly... it's perfectly normal for babies to measure a little bigger or smaller and it isn't a problem either way, but I couldn't help it. I would have come away from that ultrasound being proud of Baby for something no matter what. It was just such an amazing experience. After a few attempts (because Baby was so wiggly) the ultrasound tech was able to measure the heart rate - 156 bpm.

Humor me for a minute while I get up on my soapbox...

I can't believe that people can see an early ultrasound like one of these, see a heartbeat, or see an adorable baby kicking and moving all around and somehow think that this baby is not a person. If it isn't a person, what in the world could it be?! I now understand how effective and wonderful it is to be able to show pregnant moms who are not sure if they want to keep their babies ultrasounds so they can see the little person growing inside of them. When I saw my baby, no part of me believed for a second that the baby inside me was part of "my body." That Baby was doing all sorts of adorable things that I had no idea were going on in there. It actually made me feel rather clueless, like, "How can all of that kicking and dancing and wiggling be going on inside me and I have no idea about it?"  It was clearly another, separate, little tiny person living inside me.

I am unashamedly pro-life, as you will probably know if you have read my other posts. Even if I had not been pro-life before, I think struggling with infertility the way I have would have made me realize the value of life and how wanted every baby really is.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an "unwanted pregnancy" and absolutely no such thing as an "unwanted baby." Allow me to back that up:

• God wants the baby. This is the obvious one. God created that baby. God knit each and every one of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and regardless of the circumstances surrounding our conception and birth, God desires for every person He has designed and created to be born and to life a life to His glory, because He loves us all.
• The mother (or parents) wants the baby. Admittedly there are times when this is not true. We all know that, otherwise abortions would hardly ever take place. But I think it is sad that at times our society assumes that if perfect conditions did not surround a child's conception then the mother or parents must not want, be excited about, or love their baby. Even if a baby was unplanned, a complete surprise, or even came about after a "mistake" it is hard to carry a child and not love and want that child. We should never assume that a woman who is pregnant doesn't want her baby just because it appears to outsiders to be an inconvenient time in her life for having children. 
• Even if parents do not want a baby, God still loves that child. And, as I know from experience, there are countless couples who want that baby. After going through infertility and coming very close to turning to adoption, I see clearly that every single baby that is born is wanted. And not only is that baby wanted by God, but that baby is wanted by some person or couple somewhere who would give anything to have a baby. 

There just is no such thing as an unwanted baby, and by extension, no such thing as an unwanted pregnancy. No such thing. 

Getting down off the soapbox... Sorry about that, guys! But those are some of my thoughts since our last ultrasound.

To conclude, that ultrasound a few weeks ago was absolutely life-changing! I cannot believe how blessed we are to have this opportunity to have a baby. Over 12 weeks in and Jonathan and I still look at each other regularly and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening. God is so good!" Baby has only been around for 10 weeks or so, and already all his or her little organs are in place and beginning to function and he or she is wiggling and moving around and looking very, very human and adorable. It's crazy to think about, but God must just be very good at what He does.