Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

"Let's Have Seven Children!"

As we sat in the coffee shop at our community college over six years ago, our relationship still young and fresh, we jumped into all those big questions with enthusiasm. "How many kids do you want?" I can't remember which of us answered first, but I remember my answer. "At least seven!" I think he was a little surprised, but if I recall correctly he responded with, "Okay, sure, we can do that," or something along those lines. I was so excited that we were on the same page about having a large family.

I never let go of that vision. My dream even before we started dating was to be a stay-at-home mom with "at least seven" children, homeschooling all of them and being there for everything. I knew that would be challenging. I don't think I romanticized it too much (although I'm sure I romanticized it some) because my mom stayed at home and homeschooled me and my siblings. I had several friends and acquaintances that had large families, and I knew that that was what I wanted. 

I don't think wanting to be a stay-at-home mom means I lack ambition. I do feel that society tends to tell women that "they can do it all," implying that they should do it all. Well, I don't want to do it all! I just want to do the mom thing and do it really, really well. And you know what? I think that's crazy ambitious! There are not that many people these days that want to have that many kids, and while many moms choose to stay at home, many more go back to the work force, especially after their children are school-aged. I checked the census data (because I'm cool that way) and in 2009 5% of women in the United States between the ages of 15 and 44 had four or more kids. And while I don't have the numbers, I don't imagine that all of them want to stay at home and educate all their kids themselves. That's probably a fairly elite group! So tell me again how I'm not ambitious, World.