Charm Bracelet Giveaway!

On Monday I posted this post about how important I feel it is for me to remember the past several years and the experience my husband and I had with infertility. While I know that we are incredibly blessed to have our little girl, I don't want to forget what it was like to wait and wonder and hope and pray day after day and month after month. Infertility has changed me. It is part of my story now, part of the way I view my family, and part of they way I view my future.

One of the blessings I have experienced over the past several years is the women I have met along the way. I have been fortunate to have a great support group of ladies, many of whom I met online. Today's giveaway is a result of those connections.

Remembering the Journey

I still have this picture framed on my nightstand next to my bed:

After our first ultrasound at the end of February last year I brought this home, our one picture reminding me of that little flickering heartbeat on the screen, and put it in this frame next to my bed. During those early days of pregnancy when it is so easy to worry and doubt and symptoms come and go I would look at this picture and remember that tiny heartbeat often. Then the next ultrasound came, and our little baby was bigger, jumping all around. I could have replaced this picture with a new one. I could have replaced it with a profile picture from our ultrasound in June. I could have a picture of my baby after she was born by now, but I still keep that first ultrasound picture in the frame by my bed.

What I've Learned: God's Faitfulness

As I look back over the past year of my life I can't help but be amazed and how blessed I am. If you asked me what "best case scenario" would be last Christmas, I probably would have described exactly what transpired over this last year. We got pregnant on our very first medicated cycle; how very fortunate we were! And Charis is such a wonderful blessing! There are no words to describe the love and joy that we feel to have her in our lives. What a gift.

I've been thinking lately about what I've learned through this past year and the experience of infertility over the past few years. I've been trying to think about on what I've learned about God, about trusting him, and how my faith has grown through this. It is very hard to put my finger on. It would be easy to say that I have learned to trust God even when I don't see why certain things happen because He has a perfect, better plan that is better than anything I can ever imagine. That would be easy, and you might believe it. But I don't think I would. Because the truth is, I am so grateful for Charis, but there are other things going on in my life, and I knew the future will hold other struggles, and those struggles are still hard. It is still hard for me to feel peaceful and trusting and content about every aspect of my life. I still desire to control things and wish that I could have things exactly my way. And I don't know why infertility happened to me. I don't exactly see why it was necessary. While I trust God to love me and care for me, I don't think that everything in my life will be the way I want it to be all the time. And I am still learning to trust that God's plan will be better than my plan, because my plans always sound really great to me at the time. 

It is almost a Christian cliche, the idea that if you pray enough, wait long enough, have enough faith, etc. then God will give you whatever you are asking for. I think that having faith in God's providence and care for you, praying to him for the desires of your heart, and waiting patiently are all great things. I think God wants us to do those things. But I know that we will never have faith, wait patiently, or trust in God perfectly. We will never have enough faith or pray fervently enough to deserve anything from God. We cannot make God act. God chooses to act. God does know what is best for us, sometimes it is what we thought we wanted and sometimes it is not, and sometimes bad things happen just because and there is no reason for it at all.

The good news is that God knows that we will never trust him perfectly, he knows that our faith can always be stronger and we can always be more patient. His Holy Spirit living in us is what allows our faith to grow and our patience to increase. The good news is that even when our faith is not strong and when we doubt, God is faithful anyway. God loves us and desires to bless us, and he does so despite our imperfect faith, impatience and doubts.

I think that is what I have learned: even when I am not faithful, even when I do not trust God the way I should, God is always faithful. His love and the way he has blessed me this past year is overwhelming.

As it is Advent, I was listening to a sermon recently about Zechariah. That account from Luke 1 simply blows me away, and I think summarizes what I've learned in this journey about God. In this story Zechariah and Elizabeth are childless, and long to have a child. While Zechariah is serving in the temple , God sends Gabriel, an angel, to tell Zechariah that Elizabeth will have a son. Their son will be John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus' ministry. When Zechariah hears that God has heard their prayer and is going to answer it, he does not believe it. He doubts God's faithfulness. We've all done that in our own lives, and I know I've been there over the course of this journey. But notice what happens next... God still blesses Zechariah. God doesn't say, "Fine, you didn't believe me. You doubted my love. Your faith is lacking. No kid for you." Sure, Gabriel points out Zechariah's lack of faith, and Zechariah is unable to speak until the baby is born. But God still gives them a baby! God is still faithful to Zechariah despite Zechariah's doubts and unfaithfulness.

And another note about Zechariah and Elizabeth, check out Luke 1:6-7: "And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.  But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years." The Bible says that Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous and blameless before God - it wasn't anything they did wrong that caused their infertility, it wasn't a lack of faith that kept them from having a baby, and the reason that they had no child had nothing to do with God or them. The Bible just says that they had no child because Elizabeth was barren. Things just happen. And although it seemed to take forever, and ultimately Zechariah and Elizabeth gave up hope, God was faithful to them and chose to bless them with a child. 

This story doesn't just apply to infertility. We all have things that we ask God for, things that we feel are missing in our lives, and we all struggle with trusting God at times. We want things to be the way we want them to be. But even when we are not faithful, God always is. And even though that may mean an answer to our prayer today, or it may not, we can rely on God's faithfulness. 

Due Dates and Frequently Asked Questions

I made it to my due date! Jonathan and I are very excited to meet our little girl very, very soon! It's a little hard to wait, not knowing exactly when she'll get here, but I do know for sure that it will be soon. I am 99% sure she'll be here sometime in the next two weeks, and I will finally get to hold her and see her face, and see the look on Jonathan's face when he holds her for the first time. I've honestly never been so excited for anything in my life, and sure, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impatient. But I'm working to maintain perspective here. I've been waiting for this little girl for three years, most of that time not knowing if or when she would ever come. And I've been waiting for her knowing that she would come for almost nine months. So waiting for one or two more weeks, being absolutely certain that she will show up any day - not that hard in the grand scheme of things. It will happen!

As anyone who has ever been pregnant knows, in the month before (and for 50% of women days after) your due date, you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again. So I thought I'd do an FAQ blog post, and answer all those questions in one swing.

Q: When is the baby coming? Do you think she'll be here soon?

A: I don't know. How would I know? I found this great website though, with what looks like a very objective, scientific and statistically significant study on when babies usually come. Check out the whole site for more fascinating statistics on when babies come, but here is a page bookmarked with my due date and odds of having a baby in the coming days.

When Will Baby Petzold Come?

Note that there is a 56% chance of her coming within the next week, but that does mean that there's a pretty high chance that she'll take even longer than that. 

Q: How do you feel?/When do you feel like she'll be born?

A: I feel great, normal, and not that tired or uncomfortable. I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks. What a blessing! I've had a really easy pregnancy, and I can't complain at all. I don't feel anything that makes me thing she'll be born any time soon, but that doesn't mean she couldn't come any time! I hope she does come soon! I can't wait to meet her! 

Q: How long will "they" let you go before they induce?

A: Whoever this "they" is, I'm not going to be induced unless I think it's medically necessary. And that will have nothing to do with the date on the calendar. That's just how I feel about it. My doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced and I said no, so she said that was fine, and we didn't have to schedule an induction. I had a non-stress test yesterday, and she is doing very, very well in there. She passed the test with flying colors, and there is no reason to worry about anything at this point. I have another appointment next Wednesday, and we'll just keep waiting until either A. she comes on her own, or B. something serious happens that makes it medically necessary to do something different. We're praying for option A, obviously! She's still growing, her heartbeat is great, and both she and I are doing really well, so if she wants to wait another few weeks, that's her choice. :) 

Q: Are you ready?

A: This question has two possible meanings, so I'll answer them separately. 

Do you mean am I ready practically speaking? Yes! Do you know me? I'm Christa. I've been ready since 37 weeks, you know, just to be safe! The crib is set up, the car seat is installed, all her clothes and blankets are clean and neatly folded in her dresser. Her closet is organized. We have a mountain of diapers in various sizes and everything I can think of that we need. Of course, I'm sure something will come up that we didn't expect, but we're prepared for that to happen. (And I might add... all the tiny pink clothes are adorable, and I can't wait for her to get here so she can see them and use all her cute things! I know she won't appreciate them as much as I do... but that doesn't matter!) We're also stocked up on groceries, the apartment is pretty clean, and I've been trying to keep up on laundry. We're in good shape here! 

Or did you mean am I ready to be a parent and take care of an infant and have my life change in one of the most significant ways it ever will? Well, probably not entirely, but I feel like we're as ready as anyone is. I have been waiting and daydreaming about this day for three years at least, probably more. And I know there's no way to really be ready for something this big, something this significant, or something this important. But I feel like I'm as ready as I'll ever be! 

Also, even though people don't usually ask me, Jonathan is really ready too! He is every bit as excited as I am, and it's so much fun to be excited with him! He told me today that every time his phone rings he gets really excited because he hopes it might be me and his daughter might be coming. Aww! :) I absolutely cannot wait to see him with her! 

Q: We want a picture! 

A: Okay, fine. :)

And the inevitable follow-up question/comment I always get when I tell people when I'm due or how far along I am...

Q: You look so small! You don't look like you're 40 weeks pregnant! 

A: Yes, yes I know. (And that's not a question!) I've been measuring small my entire pregnancy. I blame my short torso somehow. Do not worry; Baby is measuring just fine and growing consistently! And I don't feel that small, so... 

If you have a question that you don't see answered here there are two possibilities. Either it's too personal, and I wouldn't have answered it anyway, or I didn't think of it and I'm sorry! But hopefully this is enough of an update to keep all my wonderful and excited friends and family happy while they wait with us for the next day or two or five or ten or...

I love you all!

30 Weeks

As of Thursday this past week, I'm officially 30 weeks pregnant.

Taken at 29 weeks.

On many days I still can't believe this is happening for me. How can such a wonderful blessing really be mine? How is it possible that two months from now I could be holding my daughter in my arms? How can God be so good and loving and gracious to me?

I feel her move regularly now, often throughout the day. I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel like she's already developing so much personality! Sometimes I think I feel her foot (or some appendage) pressed up against my side, but when I feel it she immediately pulls it away. She's so sneaky! Every move she makes in there feels adorable to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I already know she's cute because her little movements feel so precious and sweet!

I already love her so much and I just wish there was more I could do for her right now. I know that she's just in there growing, and there's not a lot I can do for her beyond eating well, resting, and waiting for her to be ready to come out, but I just feel like that isn't enough. I feel the need to get everything ready and have it all together before she gets here. Hopefully I can do that! But there is still so much that needs to be done. I need to pick a pediatrician, we need to get her furniture and get the rooms rearranged. There just feels like there's so much to do!

And yet I'm sitting here on a Saturday and I can't call pediatricians because they're all closed on weekends, and we don't have any furniture yet so I can't arrange that... I'm just sitting here, waiting. I definitely feel the urge to nest, but there's nothing I can do today. So I'm just sitting here, feeling her move around in there, waiting...

But as I sit here waiting, I feel so very blessed. God has been so incredibly good to me. I know how much I struggled to understand why before I got pregnant. And I know that I didn't always trust God to answer my prayers. I didn't know if he would give me this incredible gift or not. And I still don't know why. I don't know why we struggled, and I don't know why our prayers were answered. I don't know why I have been blessed in this way while others continue to wait. I know that life is never fair. But today, I am so happy. Today I feel my daughter moving, kicking, poking and prodding at me, and I can't stop thinking of this verse:

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me the desires of my heart." ~ 1 Samuel 1:27

Words fail me. How can I ever express how grateful I am, or how incredibly blessed I feel?

Ask, Seek, Knock

This Sunday in church the gospel reading was Luke 11:1-13. As we read it in church, and during the sermon, I got to thinking a lot about this passage, especially the verses about "Ask and it will be given to you." I feel like this passage has always been hard for me to understand, so I thought I'd take a minute to explore it here.

 Luke 11:1-13

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” ² And he said to them,“When you pray, say:“Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come.³ Give us each day our daily bread,⁴ and forgive us our sins,    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.And lead us not into temptation.”⁵ And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, ⁶ for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? ⁸ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. ⁹ And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; ¹² or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

This passage is all about prayer and persistence in prayer.  I know that during our journey through infertility (and even before that in other areas of life) I have been absolutely perplexed by passages like this. I feel like I grew up just hearing verses 9 and 10 in isolation from the rest of the passage and they never made any sense. It sure sounded to me like God would give me anything I asked for. If you add in verses 5-8, it makes it sound like you can wear God down by persistent prayer. Like if you annoy Him enough He will give you whatever you want just to get you to shut up. I never really understood that.

Everyone has heard some variation of this concept - "God always answers prayer one way or another. He either says 'yes,' 'no,' or 'later.'" I never really understood why people said this. Is that supposed to be reassuring? I suppose the intent is to communicate that God always hears every prayer, regardless of whether or not He gives you specifically what you prayed for. And it is important to trust that God knows best and not try to determine for yourself exactly what way in which you expect God to answer your prayer. But the really hard thing about prayer, especially when you feel that your prayers are not being answered, is that at the time and in the moment, there is no way to tell the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "later." How are we supposed to know that? All too often we pray and we pray and we pray for the one thing that we want more than anything else, and all we hear is the absence of that yes that we are waiting for. If we knew for sure that God was saying, "later" it would be much easier to wait! But then we wouldn't have to trust Him.

I think this passage is easier to understand when taken in context. If we look at the beginning, the disciples came to Jesus and asked Him to teach them to pray. Jesus proceeded with the Lord's Prayer, which we all know so well that we sometimes forget to look at it and what Jesus is really teaching here. Jesus doesn't say that we should start with the thing we want most and repeatedly ask God for it over and over and over until we get it (or until we give up and decide that God isn't listening and doesn't care about us). There is so much packed into this prayer that we could really dig in all day, but just looking at two things for now, Jesus prays, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (I realize that this isn't in this particular recounting, but it is in Matthew's account.) And then He goes on, "Give us this day our daily bread." This is praying for just our bare needs - not what we want more than anything, but what we need. Not "Give us this day cake, ice cream, and all things delicious."

In verse 8 this is reiterated, "Because of his impudence, he will rise up and give him whatever he needs." Not whatever he desires. Whatever he needs. Now we get to, "And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened." And look at the end of the passage - this is the best part. "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This is wonderfully reassuring. It speaks of God's love for us. If we know how to give good things to our earthly children, how very much more God must love us! And the Holy Spirit, which creates saving faith in our hearts, is the ultimate gift that God can give. Surely God loves us very much indeed, and does wish to answer our prayers and give us good gifts. But what He really wants is to give us the greatest gift of all - the gift that Christ died so that we could have - faith in Him and eternal life with Him forever.

I think that's the context for this passage. And in that light "ask and it shall be given to you" and all that makes sense. If God is talking about his Holy Spirit, of course He desires and promises to give it to all of us. But I think that we can also take reassurance from this passage that God desires to give us good things. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above."

This baby that I am carrying is a wonderful gift and a miracle from God. She is also a beautiful and long-awaited answer to prayer. When I was praying every day for God to give me a child, I felt confused at why God would not answer my prayer. Wasn't God the one that told us to have children? Doesn't the Bible only ever talk about children as the greatest blessing? I felt sure that God's will was that I would have children because children and families are God's idea, and part of His design. So I couldn't figure out why God would answer "no" to my prayer. As it turned out God didn't answer "no" forever. But I did need to trust God that even if I didn't ever have my own children, that God would answer my prayer and longing in one way or another. I know that God does love me, I know that He does desire to give me good things, and I know that God loves families. This world we live in isn't perfect, but that isn't God's fault. We did that. It doesn't always make sense, especially when we are in the thick of one struggle or another. But we can count on God's promise that He will be there and He will answer our prayers.

And instead of praying for exactly what we think we need and nothing else, let's echo the disciples and say, "Lord, teach us to pray."

You Are Not Alone

There is a reason that I have chosen to share my blog on my Facebook (which as far as I'm concerned, is basically making it public). I tend to be a very private person, and I do not typically share my personal life with those who are not very close family or friends. And even then, I tend to try to hold my emotions in check. I still feel a little uneasy sometimes about how open and vulnerable some of my past posts might be. But this, my struggles with infertility, I really thought needed to be shared. 

I think one of the things that made the past few years so hard for me is how completely unexpected having trouble getting pregnant was to me. I had never really heard about or from couples who struggled to get pregnant, and I understand why. Infertility is usually a very private struggle, and people usually do not feel comfortable talking about it. I know I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I didn't for the most part. I had one or two friends that I talked to, and a supportive group of online friends, but for a long time I didn't share with my family or most of my friends. Life went on around me, people announced pregnancies, people made comments about babies around us, no one intentionally said anything to hurt me, but it is impossibly hard to be going through something like infertility and know that no one has a clue what you are feeling or how comments, pregnancy announcements, and other completely normal events for everyone else affect you. 

Infertility affects at least 1 in 10 couples. I have heard 1 in 7 before too, but even supposing it's just 1 in 10, that's A LOT! And it's not only couples who waited until they were in their 30s to have kids; we are in our early 20s, and we both have fertility issues. 

I felt that it was very important to share my story, because I know that if the statistics speak the truth, many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances must be dealing with this, probably in silence. If you struggled to get pregnant, are struggling, or even if you're still in that first year of trying and are realizing that it can take month after painful, frustrating month of trying and waiting, I just want you to know that you're not alone! If you ever need anyone to talk to who has been there or understands, I am always available. 

I know that I have been blessed with a wonderful gift to be expecting our Baby, and I treasure and savor every minute of this pregnancy that I waited so long for. One of the things that is so hard for those struggling for infertility to listen to is pregnant women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I understand a little better - pregnancy can be pretty uncomfortable. (And I know all women who have ever been pregnant realize that is a major understatement!) But I still remember what it was like to see or hear pregnancy complaints, and to think that I would give anything in the world to feel that miserable and be pregnant. So I do my best to remember that feeling now. Every time I feel awful from morning sickness, sheer exhaustion, or whatever else, it reminds me of how much I wanted to feel this way, and how many times I begged God to allow me to feel this way. I am beyond grateful to have this wonderful blessing and opportunity. But I do want anyone out there who hasn't gotten their miracle yet and who is struggling through the pain of infertility to know that I know how that feels and that they are not alone. 

My Prayer

This probably goes without saying, but my husband and I have been praying that God would allow us to start a family for years now. My prayers have evolved, though, over that time-frame. In the beginning the prayer was always that I would be pregnant. Today I pray for a child. I used to pray that my husband and I would make a baby together. Now I pray that we would have a baby to hold and love and raise. I can honestly say in all seriousness that I do not care if I get pregnant or if we adopt. I do not care. I would love any baby that was mine to love, and whether or not we're genetically related doesn't matter. Does this mean that I don't want to be pregnant or that I wouldn't be absolutely ecstatic to be pregnant? No, of course not! I would LOVE to be pregnant more than almost anything! But what I would love even more would be to have a baby. One way or another. However God sees fit to give one.

This month I took Clomid, my doctor did some monitoring, and a few days ago I took an HCG trigger shot to help me ovulate. It's a lot more than we've ever been able to try before. And although it still doesn't give us good odds, I have been more hopeful than I've been any month in a year. I am so excited at just the possibility that this might happen for us and we might have a baby. And getting to be pregnant - that would be a bonus!

But as I've prayed for a baby this month, I find myself asking not "Please let this work and let me get pregnant" but rather "Please help us start our family soon, in whatever way you have planned for us." We have talked about adoption and are going to an information meeting with Bethany Christian Services next week, just to start to educate ourselves and explore possibilities. I have started to get really excited about adopting, and I truly mean it when I say that at this point, any way God sees fit to expand our family is fine with me! Jonathan and I have already decided that no matter what happens in the short term, we really do want to adopt some day. Only God knows what He has in store for us, but I am excited for whatever it is and my prayer is that it will happen soon.

I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers of all my family and friends. If you read this, please pray for us that God would expand our family, that His plan for us would be greater than our plans for ourselves, that we would have some direction and idea of how we will grow our family soon, and of course, that we would be able to be patient in the meantime.

Embryos are People Too

This morning as I was reading this month's issue of The Lutheran Witness (a magazine published by the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) I came across an article called "Shaped by God" by Rev. Dr. Robert Weise. There are some things I really liked about the article, but there were also some things that made me pretty livid. I will delve into some of the issues in this post.  This month is the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, so the entire issue was dedicated to life issues. The article was about a topic very much on my mind lately; it dealt with the question "Are embryos in petri dishes really human?" 

Of course, my answer and the author's answer is a resounding "yes!" An embryo is fully human - it has a complete set of human DNA and will grow into a human being if in a woman's womb. The point of the article was that if life begins at conception, it does not matter where conception takes place. Life is life, human life is human life, and all human life must be treated with the same level of respect. The article is about the bioethical issues that today's assisted reproductive technology creates. 

In a nutshell, the problem with IVF from a pro-life perspective is that in the process a set of embryos are created in a petri dish, they are allowed to develop for a few days, and then if they are determined to be "viable" they are implanted. The concern is that a doctor looking at embryos and making a call about which one is stronger or more able to survive and destroying the rest is essentially abortion.  Now, my doctor did tell me that when they say "viable" they mean alive. Most embryos created during IVF will die naturally before they get to implantation. But a doctor is still using his judgement to discern which ones are dead and which are alive. Now, since technically the embryos die on their own, no one has killed them and it's still okay, right? I have heard and completely agree with the argument that in a sense, IVF just simulates about 10 cycles of a woman's body taking place in one month instead of 10. It is likely that almost all women have chemical pregnancies at some point in their lives and never even know about it, so this is not really any different. If I was okay with this concept, then I suppose ethically it's still fine. But a major problem for me comes with what they do with extra, viable embryos if they have more than two or three survive. I am not okay with freezing embryos at all. The freezing and thawing process is harsh, and most of the embryos probably will not make it. Plus, how can you put a human life on hold for years just because you aren't ready for it? I personally cannot reconcile this with my pro-life beliefs. If an embryo is a living human being, we cannot freeze it and thaw it out at our convenience. 

Because my husband and I feel this way about IVF, I had a conversation with my doctor about if there were any ways we could do IVF taking these considerations into account. There were. We do have the choice to do a lower dose of drugs to produce fewer eggs, and then instead of having 10 embryos at the outset of the process we could start with five or six, or even just three. If we started with just three embryos, my doctor said that they can just implant all of them when the time comes, regardless of whether or not they look viable.  If we went with this route we would eliminate the issue of a person selecting. 

It makes me sad that the religious leaders who teach on IVF do not ever acknowledge that there are couples who do this type of thinking or take this kind of approach. In this article the description of how IVF works made it sound like there was only one way of doing this procedure or like the couple involved has no voice or say in how it is done. This is just not the case. 

Although I loved the fact that an article was written about this topic, and I feel that it is very important to educate about these important issues, I feel that the article was written in a very unfeeling way. The words "fertility" or "infertility" were nowhere in the article and the author continually used the phrase "assisted reproductive technology" to describe the practices he was condemning. That may be a correct phrase, but wouldn't mentioning infertility treatments or at least acknowledging that the people who seek out IVF are usually struggling with infertility have been more sensitive? To rub salt in the wound he used the word "parents" to refer to these couples several times! These people want to be parents so very, very badly. Most of them probably do not have kids, and you're already accusing them of being bad parents for considering IVF?! I really think the author had great intentions, and like I said, I agree with him on the science and ethics of it all, but I think the article was written with little-to-no tact. We really need to have people who have struggled with infertility themselves write these kinds of articles. 

Our Choice

I did want to take the time at some point to explain why we have decided not to pursue IVF. What I have said above does cover much of our reasoning. We are not comfortable with doctors determining which embryos are viable and which are not, and we are not comfortable with freezing. As I indicated, we still have a few options to do some low-stimulation IVF without raising these concerns. I certainly do not think that to do so would be ethically wrong. I see no problem with couples that do choose to do IVF by this route, and I certainly do not pass judgement on couples that do IVF. I understand the motivations and I understand the struggles. 

The main reason why I could not bring myself to do IVF is that I couldn't stand to know, for example, that we had five or so embryos at one point and then we only ended up with one baby. Since I believe so fully that life begins and has value from conception I feel that I would see the four embryos that did not make it as losses. To me it feels like planning to miscarry. Because you know that your doctor will never implant five embryos, so you know that some of them are going to die, and that is the plan. I just can't get around that concept, and neither can Jonathan. I know that many women miscarry that early and never even notice. I know that this happens naturally all the time. But there is a difference between something happening that you never knew about and something happening because you planned and intended for it to happen that way. Again, I certainly do not think that all women who do IVF are planning to miscarry or hoping to miscarry, and I do not judge them for that. I understand the reasoning that it is a natural process and no different than what might happen over the course of several months naturally. It is just that for me, I know I could not live with that knowledge. I do not want to conceive babies with my husband and plan for them to not make it. I can't do it. I would rather adopt. 

So that is why we came to the conclusion that we did. And a great deal of that decision has to do with trusting God as well. I trust God that it will not be necessary for me to resort to IVF to parent a child. I believe that He has plans for me that are good and that He will reveal in his own time. Does this mean I am patient? Not at all. But I try. 

To Readers

If you want to know more about our reasons or reasoning about IVF, please do not hesitate to ask. I am more than willing to talk about it. If you were offended by anything I said, I am really very sorry. Please, please, please let me know so that we can talk about it. I certainly never want to be insensitive. I know many women who have done IVF and I promise I have great respect for them and do not think any less of couples who chose this route. 

Also, incidentally the author of this article is a professor here at the seminary my husband is attending. I think I will probably send him an email at some point, so don't think I am talking about him behind his back! I am sure he is a great guy and does not mean to be insensitive. 

Advent - The Season of Waiting

Our test results have all been in for over a week now and yet we still don't really know where we stand. Very short emails with phrases like "normal to fair" just don't mean very much to me. I have no idea how to interpret that in terms of our options. I called the office to schedule a follow-up appointment and scheduled a half-hour phone consultation to go over the results with the doctor. But the appointment is not until next Wednesday. This month is a  very busy time at work and it was hard for me to schedule this phone call because of all my work commitments. And obviously this is not something I want to discuss with my supervisor, so it has been a frustrating past few weeks.  

Advent is truly turning into a season of waiting this year in more ways than one.

I am very, very tired of waiting. I just want to know what the deal is already. And I feel as though my fear is coming true. It seems like no one thing is very wrong; like we might just be dealing with a lot of little things. That is so much harder to wrap my mind around and deal with than one clear-cut problem would be. I feel like I already know what the recommendation is going to be - IUI. But Jonathan and I still have no idea what we are going to do or what we want to do, or more importantly, what we should do. As we get closer and closer to making very important decisions about what courses of action we are willing to pursue, we have been doing some reading, some thinking, and some praying.

I have been reading a book by Richard Eyer called Holy People, Holy Lives: Law and Gospel in Bioethics.  The author is actually a Professor of Philosophy at Concordia University Wisconsin, where Jonathan and I attended undergrad. The book explores the moral and ethical considerations that must be made when dealing with issues like fertility treatments (although it also discusses other bioethics issues). I have not actually read any books on infertility written by couples who have gone through this journey yet. I like Eyer's book because he so clearly has not gone through this himself and so the issues are dealt with apart from emotional sentiment. Of course, that is also somewhat frustrating, but I feel like the straightforward, unapologetic truth is what we really need to hear sometimes.

Jonathan has not read the book yet, so we will probably discuss it at more length after he has read it. For now, though, I will just quote one passage that struck me especially strongly during this season of Advent.

"No human being, especially our children, should have to bear all the burden of meeting our needs. Our deepest needs can only be met by God and the only human being to whom we can turn in our desperation is the God-become-Man, Jesus Christ. Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can transform the desires of a childless couple for fulfillment-through-a-child into the desire for one Child born in Bethlehem. He alone can give meaning and fulfillment to our lives." (Eyer, 127)

It is a very confusing thing spiritually when you feel that the thing you are called so strongly to do is something that is not going to happen. I feel that I would love to serve God through raising children, and all of my desires long to be able to do that. I do not know what else God is calling me to do, but I feel sure that it must be something else, because God couldn't be calling me to sit around and wait and do nothing. But I have no passion like my passion to have a child, so I have no idea where to turn while I wait.

I do not always know how to do this, but this quote from Eyer's book just reminded me to focus on Jesus and what He has done for us all. Even though I am waiting to hear about and figure out what the future has in store for Jonathan and I, I need to focus much more strongly on Christ and remembering how much God does love me, that He sent His very own son into this world for me so that I could have hope. I cannot imagine what my life would look like now without that hope in Christ. I cannot imagine what going through infertility would do to me if I did not have the promise of God's love to cling to. More often than not the Bible is confusing, and I have no idea what God is doing in my life. But at least I am 100% confident that He is doing something, even if I haven't the faintest idea what it is.

Today I will just close with the first verse of one of my favorite Advent hymns.

Hark the glad sound! The Savior comes,

The Savior promised long.

Let every heart prepare a throne,

And every voice a song.

A New Work

To update, we had some bad news recently. We have been trying a medication for a few months now and it looks like it may not be working. Right now things don't seem great, and we are going month to month knowing each month that there is only a very, very small chance of getting pregnant. We do have a consultation at a new fertility clinic towards the end of October, so that is something to look forward to. I am hoping to get some answers and a game plan in place very soon. I have hoped for that before with no success, but hopefully the doctors will have enough to go on this time to give us some concrete information and suggestions.

I've been doing pretty well the past week or so, all things considered. The weather is beautiful, I love my new job, and I just got home from a shopping trip at the mall! So life is okay, and parts of it are very good.

I have been taking a class called "After the Boxes are Unpacked" here at the seminary on Tuesday nights. The point of the class is to help the 'sem wives' adjust after moving, get to know each other, and make friends. We talk about how hard it is to pick up and move away from home, etc. For me, moving here was really not very hard. I was already living far away from family and friends, so it was not as traumatic a move as many other families experienced. I thought it was a pretty easy transition, actually. But the class has still been very helpful for me when I think about my TTC journey.

Last Tuesday we talked about some of the things that it was hard to let go of when moving. I thought that this did not really apply to me at first, since I really did not let go of anything during this last move. But I think what I need to let go of is an idea and not a physical thing in this case. I always pictured myself living here while my husband attended seminary having and raising kids. Now that I am here and I do not have any children it is really nothing like what I imagined. I think it is hard for me to let go of what I thought this part of our lives would look like, which is making it hard for me to truly enjoy what we do have right now. I see other couples who move here and are pregnant, or have brand new babies, and I think "that should have been us." I know that is a horrible way to think, but it happens. I really want to be able to enjoy the time we have here, and enjoy all the good things we have going on in our lives right now. And I do notice them and appreciate them. But at the same time, I know that until I have children, I am always going to be missing something. There's just no way around it.

These are two verses that were shared in this class over the past two weeks. Even though I was listening to those verses with a different spin on them than the rest of the class, I found them to be very encouraging.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever." ~Ephesians 20-21

These verses remind me of God's power over all creation and that He, the God who created the whole world, is also at work in each of us. I desire very much to start a family, and I am going to continue to work towards that goal. But I also want to be open-minded to look for what God may be trying to do in my life through this. I do want to trust Him. This is definitely much easier said than done, but -

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~ Philippians 4:13

It's Getting Old...

I realize that I haven't posted in about a month. I promise that is not because I forgot, or because things have been better, or because things have been worse. I resolved at the beginning that I would not make this a depressed, ranting, complaining blog.  The internet has plenty of those. I resolved to follow the advice of Thumper from Bambi and my mother: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

So it's been a month of silence from me. Nothing has happened really on the infertility front. My husband and I moved from one area to another so my husband could start attending graduate school. I started my new job, which has been going very well, but has kept me really busy. We have not found a new fertility doctor yet, so I feel like everything is kind of paused for us.  I've been very busy with my new job so I have not had a lot of time to work on that, but that doesn't mean that time is going by fast or that I don't feel more and more devastated with each passing month of not conceiving.

To be completely honest, I have been very sad lately, and that is why I haven't blogged. My life is good, my apartment is good, I seem happy on the surface, and in many ways I am. But there is this undercurrent of sadness constantly. It keeps me from ever feeling completely 100% happy. It's kind of like numbness most of the time, and then like acute, sharp pain at other times.  But I don't want to complain or dwell on my sadness, so that's all I'm going to say about that.

Hopefully something positive will give me hope soon, and I can come on here and write a more uplifting (or at the very least insightful) post. Until then, like the title said, this whole waiting thing is getting old.

Waiting

I hate waiting.

Impatience

I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know.  I epitomize impatience.  There are two kinds of patience.  The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry.  This kind is actually something I do well.  The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess.  It is waiting for things to happen without losing it.  Like I said, I hate waiting.

For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day.  I wanted to be engaged so badly!  I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married.  I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it.  And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship.  Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience.  Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect.  It was adorable.

At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for.  I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me.  But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come.  It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually.  It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.

Waiting Impatiently

Right now there are two main things I am waiting for.  One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside.  I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job.  In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August.  In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great.  I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago.  The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game.  And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position.  At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money.  J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years.  I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.

The other thing I am waiting for is a baby.  We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then.  I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s.  We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere.  We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process.  I know it will only get worse in the next few months.

When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me.  Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable.  If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.

Trusting God

Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.

• God loves me.  If he loves me enough to send his son to die for me, then I know that he cares about my happiness.  
• God will always provide for my needs.  Not only does God tell us this in his Word (Matthew 6:25-34) but I know this from experience.  Throughout our college years God has provided for J and I in some incredible, unpredictable, and wonderful ways.  (I may share some examples in a later post.)

This knowledge does help me relax about not knowing if I will have a job or not.  God has gotten us through some tight financial spots before, and I know that he will take care of and provide for us while J is at seminary.  While I would love to know for sure that we will have a good income and be able to pay off our loans right away, it is enough for me to know that all I need to do is fill out applications, work as hard as I can to get a job, and God will take care of the rest and place me exactly where he wants me to be this fall.  

I wish I could say that these two facts I know held any reassurance that I will have a baby soon.  I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy, but when I do not feel happy, this knowledge is not as comforting as I know it should be.  I hate the fact that the struggles of my Trying To Conceive journey have spilled over into my spiritual life, but they have.  I know that babies are a gift from God, and I know that God tells us to have babies.  It is incredibly difficult for me to understand why we do not get to be one of the couples who gets married and gets pregnant within the first year or so.  It just seems like such a wonderful, natural rhythm, and while so many young couples I know are surprised when this blessing happens to them, I actually expected and desired it.  So why am I the one who does not get it?  

There will be more to come on this topic soon.