Searching for "Home"

My little family celebrated Easter weekend by travelling to Michigan to visit our larger family and friends and to worship at our home church. I always love going back "home." I have wonderful family who I enjoy very much, great friends who always make time for me whenever I am able to be in town, and I love the way we come back to visit and it seems as though we never left in terms of relationships with those we are closest to.

With our Easter trip still fresh in my mind and Call Day fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be "home," where "home" really is, and the reality of this life we have chosen. Jonathan will find out a week from today where he will be serving for his vicarage (which is like a one-year internship as part of his four-year MDiv program), so we will find out in a week where we will be living the next year of our life, and it could be anywhere in the country! And then once he graduates from seminary in two years, we could be placed anywhere for his first call as a pastor. While all that is exciting, it is also pretty terrifying, especially for someone like me, who still longs to live near home and near family and friends.

Ask, Seek, Knock

This Sunday in church the gospel reading was Luke 11:1-13. As we read it in church, and during the sermon, I got to thinking a lot about this passage, especially the verses about "Ask and it will be given to you." I feel like this passage has always been hard for me to understand, so I thought I'd take a minute to explore it here.

 Luke 11:1-13

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” ² And he said to them,“When you pray, say:“Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come.³ Give us each day our daily bread,⁴ and forgive us our sins,    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.And lead us not into temptation.”⁵ And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, ⁶ for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? ⁸ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. ⁹ And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; ¹² or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

This passage is all about prayer and persistence in prayer.  I know that during our journey through infertility (and even before that in other areas of life) I have been absolutely perplexed by passages like this. I feel like I grew up just hearing verses 9 and 10 in isolation from the rest of the passage and they never made any sense. It sure sounded to me like God would give me anything I asked for. If you add in verses 5-8, it makes it sound like you can wear God down by persistent prayer. Like if you annoy Him enough He will give you whatever you want just to get you to shut up. I never really understood that.

Everyone has heard some variation of this concept - "God always answers prayer one way or another. He either says 'yes,' 'no,' or 'later.'" I never really understood why people said this. Is that supposed to be reassuring? I suppose the intent is to communicate that God always hears every prayer, regardless of whether or not He gives you specifically what you prayed for. And it is important to trust that God knows best and not try to determine for yourself exactly what way in which you expect God to answer your prayer. But the really hard thing about prayer, especially when you feel that your prayers are not being answered, is that at the time and in the moment, there is no way to tell the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "later." How are we supposed to know that? All too often we pray and we pray and we pray for the one thing that we want more than anything else, and all we hear is the absence of that yes that we are waiting for. If we knew for sure that God was saying, "later" it would be much easier to wait! But then we wouldn't have to trust Him.

I think this passage is easier to understand when taken in context. If we look at the beginning, the disciples came to Jesus and asked Him to teach them to pray. Jesus proceeded with the Lord's Prayer, which we all know so well that we sometimes forget to look at it and what Jesus is really teaching here. Jesus doesn't say that we should start with the thing we want most and repeatedly ask God for it over and over and over until we get it (or until we give up and decide that God isn't listening and doesn't care about us). There is so much packed into this prayer that we could really dig in all day, but just looking at two things for now, Jesus prays, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (I realize that this isn't in this particular recounting, but it is in Matthew's account.) And then He goes on, "Give us this day our daily bread." This is praying for just our bare needs - not what we want more than anything, but what we need. Not "Give us this day cake, ice cream, and all things delicious."

In verse 8 this is reiterated, "Because of his impudence, he will rise up and give him whatever he needs." Not whatever he desires. Whatever he needs. Now we get to, "And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened." And look at the end of the passage - this is the best part. "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This is wonderfully reassuring. It speaks of God's love for us. If we know how to give good things to our earthly children, how very much more God must love us! And the Holy Spirit, which creates saving faith in our hearts, is the ultimate gift that God can give. Surely God loves us very much indeed, and does wish to answer our prayers and give us good gifts. But what He really wants is to give us the greatest gift of all - the gift that Christ died so that we could have - faith in Him and eternal life with Him forever.

I think that's the context for this passage. And in that light "ask and it shall be given to you" and all that makes sense. If God is talking about his Holy Spirit, of course He desires and promises to give it to all of us. But I think that we can also take reassurance from this passage that God desires to give us good things. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above."

This baby that I am carrying is a wonderful gift and a miracle from God. She is also a beautiful and long-awaited answer to prayer. When I was praying every day for God to give me a child, I felt confused at why God would not answer my prayer. Wasn't God the one that told us to have children? Doesn't the Bible only ever talk about children as the greatest blessing? I felt sure that God's will was that I would have children because children and families are God's idea, and part of His design. So I couldn't figure out why God would answer "no" to my prayer. As it turned out God didn't answer "no" forever. But I did need to trust God that even if I didn't ever have my own children, that God would answer my prayer and longing in one way or another. I know that God does love me, I know that He does desire to give me good things, and I know that God loves families. This world we live in isn't perfect, but that isn't God's fault. We did that. It doesn't always make sense, especially when we are in the thick of one struggle or another. But we can count on God's promise that He will be there and He will answer our prayers.

And instead of praying for exactly what we think we need and nothing else, let's echo the disciples and say, "Lord, teach us to pray."

Hannah

When I consider turning to the Bible for comfort and truth about TTC and infertility I find myself repeatedly thinking of Hannah and turning to the opening chapter of Samuel.  I have always been puzzled by this story.  There is a lot going on!  This passage deals with things from the persistance of prayer to bargaining with God, and I've always found it to be hard to study.  But in the past few months it has had renewed relevance for me, so I have tackled it here.  If you are looking for some Biblical truth and answers about infertility, this is as good a place as any to start, although it is by no means all the Bible has to offer on this topic.  These are just my thoughts, and I certainly do not know everything.  Feel free to comment with your own comments, insights, or even disagreements and struggles.

1Samuel 1

1 There was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim of the hill country of Ephraim whose name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, son of Elihu, son of Tohu, son of Zuph, an Ephrathite. ² He had two wives. The name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other, Peninnah. And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

³ Now this man used to go up year by year from his city to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. ⁴ On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. ⁵ But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb.^{[a] 6} And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. ⁷ So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.

The language of “the Lord had closed her womb” makes it sound like this is a judgment against Hannah, or that God wanted this to happen to her or caused her infertility.  I cannot say for sure that this is not true… it is very possible that God does allow this to happen to Hannah so that he can be glorified later in the birth of Samuel.  In Hannah’s culture and society people believed that infertility was God’s judgment against someone, so Hannah probably dealt with both the grief of not having a child and the social stigma against childless women.  What I notice when I read this is that nothing is said about why Hannah is childless—there is no mention of judgment or that she has done something wrong, and I think this is very important to note.  God does not allow this to happen to Hannah because he is angry with her or does not love her—it just happens.

I know in my own journey I find it easy to wonder why God has not blessed me with a baby yet.  I see other people who are having kids, and some of them are going to be wonderful parents while some are clearly in less than ideal circumstances.  It makes me (and every other woman that I know who struggles with TTC) ask the question “Why not me?”  The truth is that the answer to this question is probably as simple as Just because—we live in a fallen, imperfect world, and bad things happen.  Just because bad things happen does not mean that God does not love us.

This is undoubtedly a very insensitive remark by Hannah’s husband.  Clearly he does not understand the ache in her heart.  After all, he has children by Peninnah, his other wife.  But we see from verse 5 that he does love Hannah, and I’ll bet that Hannah loves him back. 

⁸ And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

Does anyone else ever feel guilty for wanting a baby so badly?  I know that sometimes I remember the days before I was dating my husband.  I had a crush on him for a solid eight months before he knew he liked me back, and I remember praying to God prayers along the lines of “God, if you give me J, I promise I’ll be happy for the rest of my life and never ask for anything else again.  I love him so much, and I don’t know if I can live without him!”  Now maybe I’m the only one who prayed this kind of prayer, but when I find myself so distraught and sad because I do not have a baby, I am always plagued by this strand of guilt, because God did give me the most incredible man, and I love him so dearly.  I feel like I should never want anything again.  But I do.  I want a baby.  This passage comforts me because I see that Hannah had a man who loved her, and she still desired more.  And God did not scorn her for this.  I know that the desire for children is one that God has given me. 

⁹ After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah rose. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. ¹⁰ She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. ¹¹ And she vowed a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.”

Here I do not really know what to say. This kind of gets into another territory regarding bargaining with God. Is that okay to do? I have no idea. It seems to work well for Hannah here, and indeed it works for others in the bible at various times, but I always feel weird about it. If anyone has any thoughts about this, I would love to hear them!

¹² As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. ¹³ Hannah was speaking in her heart; only her lips moved, and her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli took her to be a drunken woman. ¹⁴ And Eli said to her, “How long will you go on being drunk? Put your wine away from you.” ¹⁵ But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. ¹⁶ Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.”

Hannah is so intense in her praying and pleading with God that Eli the priest thinks she is drunk!  She responds that no, she is “a woman troubled in spirit… pouring out my soul before the Lord… out of my great anxiety and grief.”

I know I have been there.  It is horrible.  Sometimes afterwards I feel some peace and reassurance, but many times I do not.  I do know, though, that God hears my prayers.  I do not know that he will give me what I desire, but I know that he loves me.  We are not guaranteed happiness in life.  Being a Christian does not mean that God will give you all good things, or that your life here on earth will be wonderful.  What it means is that you know how much Christ loves you, and you know that you have a future of life and joy with him in eternity.  That is the wonderful joy and promise of the resurrection.  Nothing about happiness on earth is guaranteed.  But hey—if it weren’t for Christ, we would all be doomed to an eternity of torment, suffering and separation from God in Hell.  I know that’s not a popular thing to say, but it is true.  Something to remember is that God does love you.  He has already demonstrated this by sending his Son.  He may or may not give me a baby.  But I know that if he loves me so much as to send is only son to die for me, then I am sure he cares about my pain, and I know that he hates to see his children suffer.  So even if you feel that God is not listening or does not care, pour out your heart to him as Hannah did.  Because he is listening, and he does care.

 ¹⁷ Then Eli answered, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” ¹⁸ And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

After her prayer, Hannah’s “face was no longer sad.”  Even though she did not know for sure how or when God would answer her petition, she had peace.  Knowing that God hears my prayer and cares about me gives me peace, even though I still do not know when or if I will have a baby.  Praying does help, and it does  calm me down eventually.

^{19 They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord; then they went back to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 20 And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.”}

This is the happy ending that I know all TTC couples are waiting for! God granted Hannah’s request and she had a baby! I pray that this will happen for me as well, and for the other women I know who pray a similar prayer. Verse 20 says “in due time” Hannah conceived. It was not immediately, and it was not when she thought it was time. It was in God’s timing. I know that I hate not knowing, and I hate not having control. But at the same time, in those moments when I have peace and joy, it is because I recognize that if this, the strongest desire of my heart, is granted, it will be in God’s due time, and not in mine. And on my good days when I am most reasonable, I know that this will be much better than any timing I could come up with, and it will all work to glorify God in the end.