Living Far From Home - Things I Didn't See Coming

Where we live is one area of my life where I constantly need to be reminded to trust God. My husband and I have lived at least 300 miles away from both of our families and all of our childhood and young adult friends for the entirety of our married life. We moved away a week after our wedding, since our college was 300 miles away. After college we moved to seminary where my husband continues to study to become a pastor. We now live 500 miles away from our hometown. This summer we move again, and we could be going anywhere in the country as Jonathan goes on vicarage, a one-year internship-like program where he works under a supervising pastor at a church in our church body. Then we'll be back here for one more year of grad school, and after that we will be placed with a church that could be anywhere in the country for his first call as a pastor.


Before we got married I had no idea what it would be like to live so far away from family and friends. I thought it would be hard, but it sounded adventurous too. I was excited about it to a great extent. Today, not so much. Now to be clear, I am absolutely passionate about my husband's call to ministry. I happen to think he's going to be an incredible pastor. I am happy to be here with him while he studies, and I can't wait to see where we end up and how we end up serving God and the church in the next few years. It will be wonderful, and a great opportunity for us to grow in our faith and reliance on God. But one thing I don't like at all is being far from family.

Here are some things I didn't know, realize, or think about before moving away from "home." Anyone who has ever moved away will probably be able to relate. It is so hard!

1. When you move away from friends and family you experience sadness and loss. Not only did I miss the people that I loved, I felt left out. Life "back home" went on, relationships strengthened between those who stayed, and every time you go back to visit things are different. I always try to put a brave face on the situation, but if I'm honest, there is some grief that goes on. Grief for the memories we are not making with the people we love. It's okay to feel sad! Let's not pretend that just because we move away to pursue certain opportunities doesn't mean we don't miss out on other opportunities. Most choices worth making take sacrifice, and sacrifice is not always fun.
2. When you move away from friends and family, you might be tempted to feel guilty. I know how hard it is to be far away from family, and so I know that it is also hard for the people we leave behind. Especially now that we have a little one, I see how fast she grows up and I know how hard it must be for those who love her and live so far away to miss so much. But no matter how hard it is, I have to remind myself all the time that I don't have to feel guilty about this. Our families understand, and we are in the right place for now, doing what we are supposed to be doing. It's natural to feel responsible if you were the one who moved, but it isn't worth feeling guilty over.
3. It's not fair! When you move away you might feel frustrated and misunderstood. The hardest part of moving away from a hometown where all your family and friends live is that, while everyone tells you how much they miss you, they still have everyone else! You believe them when they say they miss you, because you know they do. But because you are the one who moved, you feel responsible for the fact that they miss you and you feel like you need to be sure, strong, and demonstrate a certainty that everything is really fine (see number 2). But what people may not realize when they talk about how hard it is for you to live so far away is that while they miss you and your family, you miss everyone you were ever close to. Now, of course you also make new friends. But a new friend can't be an old friend, and they won't replace people you miss, even if they're 100% awesome! We make a 1,000 mile round-trip road trip on average every two months. That is a significant time and financial commitment, and it still feels like we hardly ever visit. You can only do what you can do, so remember that when you're tempted to feel guilty about the people who miss you, just remember that no matter what they say, it's very likely harder for you than it is for them.
4. There will always be those silly doubts and second thoughts. I know that we are where we need to be right now. My husband is attending one of only two seminaries in the country that provide the education he needs to be an LCMS (Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) pastor, and he really likes it here. This is the right place for us to be right now. This is right. This is right. I tell myself this all the time. I need to hear it, because no matter how sure I am, I just need to remind myself of it. To be sure, he is going into a field where we truly have no idea where we will live after graduation, and that is so very difficult for a planner like me, but it's the way it is, and I'm going to deal with it with all the grace I can muster up. When those doubts creep in, remind yourself of what you're doing and why it's important.
   
   But despite how hard it is, there are good things that come out of it too:
5. You figure out who the important people are. I have lived away from most of my friends and family for over four years now. I do have some friends that I made since then, but I also have some wonderful friendships that have continued to grow and be strengthened despite distance. When you live so far away you know who is important to you, because they're the ones you have to see every single time you go back to visit. And they're the ones that you feel like no time has passed when you see them. You realize how much family matters. You learn the art of talking on the phone. I now know who my life-long friends are going to be (or at least some of them!) because if we can be friends for this long not having spent more than a few days at a time in the same town, we're going to be friends for life.
6. You realize that life is not about where you are, but who you're with. I have learned that this is absolutely true. I used to imagine what it might be like to travel far away or live in different places, but now I realize that I don't care where I live, as long as I live near the people that I love. That really is all that matters. You can be miserable even in the most wonderful places if you're alone. And while that might sound sad, what it has really taught me is to treasure living with my husband and daughter and savor each second we have together, no matter where we end up.

So the last four years haven't been easy, that's for sure. But they have still been some of the happiest years of my life. While living far away is hard, and I expect that parenting far away from family will be still harder, it has been worth every minute to be with my husband and know that what he is doing is serving God and is exactly what he is supposed to be doing right now. I do not regret any of it. But it isn't easy. If you live far from family, you know how hard it can be. And if you have family members who have had to move far away, when you are missing them, remember that they not only miss you too, but they are very likely missing the rest of their family as well. That's a lot of people to miss! Go out of your way to include them whenever possible, despite logistical challenges, and when you're missing them, remember that they miss you too.