From the Other Side of Infertility

The title of this post is misleading. I do not know if there is truly an "other side" of infertility. I'm still making up my mind on that one. We were diagnosed with infertility, we went through lots of testing, we tried a couple different treatments, and then, by God's grace and blessing, one of them worked when we were least expecting it. Now we have a beautiful, clever, spunky baby girl who is five months old today. She lights up our lives every single day, and every day when I see her I am reminded of God's goodness and how blessed I am.

So then, the infertility part of my life is over, right? Is it? I don't know. I certainly am happy right now. I certainly have what I wanted. I feel like the past two years changed me significantly. I met so many other women online who were going through the same struggles. I learned what it is like to go through something this hard, what it is like to have people not understand, and what it is like to have no idea what God is doing or where he is. And now I have a baby, so that chapter should be done.


I feel like what I am about to say next I say at the risk of sounding ungrateful, or of leading people to think I am not happy or content with my life right now. I promise, I am incredibly conscious of how blessed I am, hugely grateful, and I've never been happier. But I say this because I want anyone else who has felt this way to know that they are not alone. I say this because I don't think it's fair to women who are still struggling for me to just forget about that part of my life or go on as if it didn't happen.

The part of my life where I struggled with infertility may be over for now, but here are some things that have changed, and that will probably never go back to the way they were before:

I Am Still Infertile

Infertility is a medical diagnosis. It is defined as the inability to conceive after a year of intentional trying. That happened to us. And that diagnosis doesn't evaporate. 

I have heard many stories of women whose "fertility resets" after they have their first kid, and they don't need any treatments to become pregnant in the future. I would love it if that happened for me! Who knows, it might. I'm not denying the possibility. My OB even told me at my regular check-up that I should definitely try without drugs for the next one because I likely wouldn't need them. So that is a possibility, and that's great. But that doesn't change the fact of what happened.

Also, this type of situation may not apply to us since we had a combination of infertility factors, not just one thing. I don't know the answers to that right now, and I don't need to know them right now, but the feeling of being unable to do naturally what most other couples can do never goes away. That's still there. As guilty and horrible as I feel saying this, the sinful, selfish person in me still feels a pang of jealousy or envy when I hear of someone getting pregnant very fast or without trying. They have something, a carefree, joyful, easy story, that I did not get. They have no worries about when they will have their future children, and they can feel confident about their ability to have a big family full of kids.  

It is easier to bury those feelings of jealousy than it was before, but I still have them, and I still feel the need to suppress them. This is something I continually have to ask God to help me with. Remembering that every child is a gift from God helps, and when the person is someone I know well and love it is much easier, because I can breathe a sigh of relief that they do not have to go through what we went through. But it is still hard. 

The Future is Mysterious

Obviously, this is true for everyone. But facing infertility drastically changed the way I think about the future. I used to have a plan. It went something like this: 

1. Have a baby a year or two tops after getting married.
2. Have another baby a year or two tops after the first one so they can be close in age. 
3. Have more babies. 
4. Maybe more babies? 
5. Possibly adopt. 

Now my plan looks more like this:

1. Take care of my baby and enjoy her babyhood without worrying about infertility if at all possible.
2. Maybe see what can be done about having the second baby close in age to the first, but don't get your hopes up, because you can't take fertility drugs while breastfeeding anyway, and you want to breastfeed for as long as possible.*
3. If we don't have more babies naturally, definitely adopt.**
4. Probably adopt at some point anyway.***
   
   
   *Try hard to leave this up to God.
   ** Leave this one up to God too.
   ***Trust God on this one too.

As you can see. I have desires, but I basically have no plan anymore. But I'm a planner, so I have to have a "plan," even if the "plan" is to trust God, wait, and see what happens. I hoped that going through something like infertility would teach me to always trust God, but guess what? I'm still a sinner, and it's still hard to do sometimes! I like to think I'm getting better at it, but if I'm honest with myself, it is still very much a process.

I Don't Take Things for Granted

This is such a blessing. It is sad that the journey to this spot is what it is. I don't know if I believe that "everything happens for a reason." Technically I suppose that is true, but I don't think that everything bad happens so that some greater good can come out of it. I think that infertility, like other hardships we face on earth, is counter to God's plan, is a result of the Fall, and saddens him greatly. So I don't think that God did this to us so we could learn something or uncover some greater purpose. But I do believe that God was there with us the whole time to help us through it. 

And my beautiful daughter is the greatest answer to prayer I have ever experienced. God is so very good. I know now that I can't take children, family, or my own plans for granted. This journey has changed my perspective. 

I cannot wait to see the plans that God has in store for us. I know now that my plans will have to give way to his, and while this just makes me frustrated, impatient, and curious most of the time, I am also very excited about it. 

So I'm not sure if there will be an "other side" to infertility or not. I am inclined to think that it will always be a part of me. There will always be scars, but there will also be blessings that follow. I hope and pray that I will be able to help others who are going through similar situations some day, because it truly is difficult, especially if you feel like you are going through it alone. So to those who are still waiting for their take-home baby, I love you, and I want to give you virtual hugs and encouragement. It is so hard! And to those who have their baby in their arms already, give them an extra hug and take a second to appreciate them and thank God for them (even if you've already done that today - you can always do it again!).