Birth Story Part 1: Unexpected Challenges

My son was born in July, and I am just now getting around to sharing his birth story. It wasn't what I had planned or what I wanted. His birth went well, he was healthy and I was healthy, but it still took me a while to come to terms with what happened in those crazy few weeks surrounding his birth.

I know I love a good birth story. There's nothing more magical than the moment a new little person enters the world and you get to meet him or her for the first time. But this little man's birth story starts a few weeks before the actual birth.

The pregnancy had been textbook, smooth, and even easier than my first pregnancy (except of course for the toddler I was wrangling and carrying everywhere). Our little man was due mid August, right after we were set to move out of our vicarage house. We had a great plan in place to have the baby while staying with my parents and then move back to St. Louis Labor Day weekend for our last year of seminary.

Things didn't go as planned...

Embracing Uncertainty

There is so much we can't know or anticipate about the future. We can always make plans, and as a planner, I always do. We can create lists, family goals for how many children we hope to have, financial goals for how much money we hope to make or save or spend on a house, career goals for what we want to do and where we want to live... Plans for how we will raise and educate our children. Plans for what parenting mistakes we will be sure never to make. Plans for where and how our next birth experience will go... The list goes on forever. We all like to plan, and we all like to feel control and autonomy over our future. But the more we plan, the more opportunities we have to learn about what happens when life doesn't go according to our plans.

Scoliosis Story - Part 3: Feeling Loved

Part 1 - Unanswered Prayers
Part 2 - Surgery and Recovery

I thought I wouldn't want to remember anything about my experience with scoliosis or my surgery, but today when I think back on that time, I always remember it fondly. I never expected that would be the case, but 10 years later I am incredibly grateful for this particular experience.


I do remember that I was in pain, I do remember being embarrassed, I remember not being able to do things I wanted to do. But I don't remember how any of that felt. I don't ever re-live those negative aspects. What I do remember was the way everyone in my life at the time cared for me. What I do remember makes me feel so very loved.

Scoliosis Story - Part 2: Surgery and Recovery

Part 1: Unanswered Prayers 

I was probably not a pleasant person to be around in the weeks and days leading up to surgery. I did my best to pretend it wasn't happening, but I also got sulky about it, if I remember correctly. I regularly kept a journal throughout my teenage years, but I intentionally didn't journal around the time of my surgery. I remember thinking, "This won't be something I want to remember." I don't remember all the details of that day, but I would not want to have been my parents. They were obviously making me do something I didn't want to do, and while they knew it was the right thing, I know it was hard for them too.

Scoliosis Story - Part 1: Unanswered Prayers

I think I was 13 years old when I first found out that I would have to have surgery on my back. I had scoliosis, a serious case of it, and while we had discussed bracing and other options with a doctor, it sounded like surgery was going to be inevitable.

When you are a teenager the prospect of major surgery sounds like a disaster. It's scary, it's confusing, and you worry that you won't be able to be "normal" (which is, of course, the most important thing to be in high school). I was a dancer too, so any interruption to my dance training felt like it would be a complete disaster. All my friends that I took classes with would be ahead of me... I would have to take six months off from dancing after the surgery, and then it would take me six more months to work up to where I had been... I would be a whole year behind! I was a teenager... I had limited perspective, and I was very competitive. I thought this would be the end of my world.

An Unexpected Blessing

God really is in control and he really does know what he is doing. When will I stop being surprised by this fact?

We received the most unexpected and pleasant surprise about six weeks ago. Our daughter turned one in October, and we knew we were ready to try to have a second-born. After the long and hard journey we went through the first time, this time we went into things with a more relaxed mindset. We knew that the chances were good that we would not be able to just "have another one," and we were prepared for disappointment. We intended to try, but we were thinking ahead to trying the medication route again, and we also had peace knowing that if we didn't conceive this time we would be happy to pursue adoption in the future.

I didn't want to go back to the place I was in emotionally when we were trying the first time. I wanted to put my trust actively in God, to give it over to him and his timing, and to be content with whatever happened. Even though that was my goal, I knew that it would not be easy. Trusting God is something I am constantly working on, and I don't think it's something any of us can master in this sinful life. But I knew that God had given me the most perfect and wonderful daughter in a way that I didn't expect and in timing that was his and not mine, so I wanted to trust him to continue to grow my family in his own way and time.

4 Reasons Not to Worry about Your Child's Future Spouse

Raising a little one, I think about her future a lot. Today she is just a little girl, working on the skills of standing, walking, and learning words. Before I know it, these years will be gone and she will be a young woman, an adult, working on learning a profession, balancing her own budget, and maybe dating and marrying a young man.

So often I hear parents, grandparents, and other concerned adults expressing concern over the future of our children. Fellow Christians seem to be the most concerned group, but everyone has these worries. How will they find "good spouses," or "good Christian spouses" when the world is such a bad place and "good" men or women are so hard to find? Well, I know for sure my daughter will never come across a "perfect man" because there aren't any. (Except Jesus, that is, and she already knows Him.) I do, however, believe that she will be just fine. After all, the world has been a "bad place" ever since the fall. I found a great husband, my parents found each other, my grandparents found each other, other family members have found wonderful spouses so far. Even if the world isn't getting better, it isn't getting worse either.

I'm not worried about my daughter finding a good, kind, Christ-following husband at all. Of all the things that I worry about, that isn't one of them. I understand that the world is a bad place. I know that there will be plenty of poor choices out there when she is ready to get married some day. But I believe that if she does marry, she will marry a good man. Here are a few of the reasons why I'm not worried:

A Tale of Four Octobers

October 2011

This is my last semester of real college classes. Next semester I student teach. I am focusing on senior seminar, classes, and helping my husband fill out seminary applications. And yet, although only a few people know this, all I can think about is having a baby. Each month the disappointment feels just a little stronger. Each month I spend part of that day that dashes all my hopes in tears.

We have been trying for almost six months now. It wasn't in the original plan to have a baby so soon, but the more we talk about it as a couple, the more convicted we are that using birth control is not right for us and is not trusting God with our future. And then somehow "not preventing" turned into "trying" and now we're approaching the six month mark and I'm beginning to worry.

Some of my friends and acquaintances who got married when we did are pregnant now. Most of them weren't even trying, which stings a little. We're young, and this is supposed to be easy. I've read the statistics that say that 80% of women my age get pregnant within the first six months of trying. 7-10% deal with infertility. The numbers are starting to look concerning as we hit that six month mark this month, but my husband isn't worried yet. I am determined to follow his lead and stay positive. It's going to happen any month now.

How Do You Discipline a Baby?

I sense that I am entering a whole new realm of parenting. This past week or so it is like a switch has gone off with our little lady. She strikes me each day as being so much more grown up! She understands so much of what I say, knows what she is and is not supposed to do to a large extent, problem solves and plays with her toys so intelligently... Watching her go through her day I keep getting the feeling that my baby is less and less of a baby and more of a... child? Toddler? Kid? While she still has plenty of "baby" moments, I feel like the word no longer accurately describes her.

Back in June I wrote about the easy phase - the early days of increasing independence but she was still not crawling. She was keeping to a routine but still hadn't learned about her boundaries. She was easy. Simple to parent. All she needed was love, food, cuddles, sleep, diaper changes... 

As I said, a switch has gone off. All of a sudden I feel the need for discipline. She is starting to test her limits. She knows what things she is not allowed to play with, and intentionally seeks them out when she knows I cannot see her. Sometimes she drops food off the side of her high chair just to get attention. She knows that I don't want her to do that, and I know she knows, because if I look at her and say, "Sweetie, don't drop your cup please. We don't drop our cups," she will usually pull it back up onto her tray. She knows that "We don't stand up in the bathtub" and that "We don't chew on cords." Sometimes she does what she knows she should, and sometimes she doesn't. And I know that this is just the beginning. 

Parenting at 60 Decisions Per Minute

I have never been good at making decisions. I always agonize over any set of options. From the seemingly easy choices like which ice cream flavor I should go with to the harder things like trying to decide how to spend vacation time or how many hours a week to commit to working, decision making has always caused me stress. Anyone who has shopped with me in Vera Bradley knows this - I will go into the store knowing exactly what I want and be there for an hour trying to decide if that's what I really want to do.

People who are decisive make me envious. I have no idea what it would feel like to just know what I wanted to do all the time and do it without having to deliberate, discuss, sleep on it, and repeat.

I have made a discovery over the past year that will probably come as a surprise to no one - parenting is all about making decisions. All day long, all the time. As my daughter gets older, I find myself making more decisions and having to make them faster. It can be overwhelming!

There's the obvious, big decisions. Vaccines? What to feed her? Sleep training or co-sleeping or both? Very soon we'll be making decisions about disciplining methods, and eventually schooling, and it goes on and on. At least with those decisions you see them coming. You plan them in advance, do research, have conversations, pray about it, and then continually review and revise your decision as time goes on. Those decisions are hard, but they don't take you too much by surprise.

Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

Pregnancy, Adoption, Our Plans, and God's Plans

Two years ago Jonathan and I were preparing to move to a new city where I would start a new job and he would start at a new school. We had just graduated from college and were in a time of transition. Two years ago we were also staring infertility in the face. We had been trying to conceive for over a year and had absolutely nothing to show for it except a lot of stress, tears, and confusion. I was turning 22 years old, and while others my age either had starting a family on the far horizon or were already having children, I was in crisis realizing that my own plans and expectations were not going to be met. I felt so lonely; no one I knew was facing this, and I thought that no one understood what I was going through.

Todd, Mark, Kate and Richard - A Story of Four Cars

On Tuesday evening we did something very exciting, something we'd been talking about doing for months now - we bought a minivan! He is a 2005 silver Dodge Grand Caravan and his name is Richard. (Yes, we are the type of people who name our cars.) When I look back over the past and think about my husband's and my experience with owning cars, all I can think about is how incredibly blessed we are and how God always provides in wonderful ways.

Between the two of us, we haven't had to buy a car since Jonathan bought his first clunker back in high school before we started dating. His first car was a 1994 Chevy Cavalier named Todd. There are so many funny stories about Todd, but really, the value in that car wasn't the vehicle, but the experiences. Jonathan spent so many days working on the car with his friends and we have so many funny stories and precious memories of learning experiences related to his first adventure and lesson in exactly how not to purchase a car. So many jokes made at that poor car's expense. So many good laughs. 

Remembering the Journey

I still have this picture framed on my nightstand next to my bed:

After our first ultrasound at the end of February last year I brought this home, our one picture reminding me of that little flickering heartbeat on the screen, and put it in this frame next to my bed. During those early days of pregnancy when it is so easy to worry and doubt and symptoms come and go I would look at this picture and remember that tiny heartbeat often. Then the next ultrasound came, and our little baby was bigger, jumping all around. I could have replaced this picture with a new one. I could have replaced it with a profile picture from our ultrasound in June. I could have a picture of my baby after she was born by now, but I still keep that first ultrasound picture in the frame by my bed.

Living Far From Home - Things I Didn't See Coming

Where we live is one area of my life where I constantly need to be reminded to trust God. My husband and I have lived at least 300 miles away from both of our families and all of our childhood and young adult friends for the entirety of our married life. We moved away a week after our wedding, since our college was 300 miles away. After college we moved to seminary where my husband continues to study to become a pastor. We now live 500 miles away from our hometown. This summer we move again, and we could be going anywhere in the country as Jonathan goes on vicarage, a one-year internship-like program where he works under a supervising pastor at a church in our church body. Then we'll be back here for one more year of grad school, and after that we will be placed with a church that could be anywhere in the country for his first call as a pastor.


Before we got married I had no idea what it would be like to live so far away from family and friends. I thought it would be hard, but it sounded adventurous too. I was excited about it to a great extent. Today, not so much. Now to be clear, I am absolutely passionate about my husband's call to ministry. I happen to think he's going to be an incredible pastor. I am happy to be here with him while he studies, and I can't wait to see where we end up and how we end up serving God and the church in the next few years. It will be wonderful, and a great opportunity for us to grow in our faith and reliance on God. But one thing I don't like at all is being far from family.

Here are some things I didn't know, realize, or think about before moving away from "home." Anyone who has ever moved away will probably be able to relate. It is so hard!

A Hospital Visit for Christmas

There is a moment, some point in time, where you realize that this being a parent thing is the absolute scariest thing that's ever happened to you. This baby that you thought was going to be so wonderful and so fun has now made you into a completely crazy person who makes no sense at all. You cry when nothing is wrong and you freak out even though everything is going to be fine, because what if everything isn't fine? What if something happens to my baby? 

This moment happened for me on Christmas Eve this past December when our little girl decided that she would like to go to the E.R. and visit the hospital for her first Christmas. To make a long story short, Little Girl decided to choke on her own spit while sleeping in her car seat after the Christmas Eve church service. When we got home from church she was asleep, so I brought the car seat in and set it on the floor in my parent's living room. About fifteen minutes later I heard her wake up coughing violently and ran over to her. I took her out of the car seat, patted her on the back, and tried to help her get whatever it was coughed up. She never stopped breathing, but after the coughing episode she went very pale and listless, which was very unusual. I completely panicked. I called the doctor's exchange, and when they said they would have to call me back, I decided there was no way I was waiting for that and we went to the E.R.

Little Girl with her Daddy in the hospital.

If you bring a 2 month old baby into the E.R. and say that she's limp and pale, you do not have to wait, you go right back and see a doctor! Of course, by the time a doctor came into the room, Little Girl was breathing fine, color had returned to her face, and she was kicking so enthusiastically that it took 5-10 minutes to find a pulse! The doctor assured us that everything was almost certainly fine, but because she was so little, standard practice was to admit her overnight and watch her, just to be sure that she was okay and that it had only been a choking fit.

New Year, New Focus

I started this blog when I was in the midst of our infertility struggle. I started it as a place to express my emotions, to share my journey with others who might be going through their own struggles, and to keep myself accountable to trust in God, even in the hard times.

I have been blessed to hear from several friends and other individuals who have read this blog, and it warms my heart to hear that our journey has been helpful or uplifting to others as they also learn to trust through their own hard times. If God can use my story to help others, I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of that.

Today things are different. Today I am holding the most precious and sweet 3-month-old baby girl in my arms, and I can't believe I am actually here. Although my infertility story has a happy ending (for now), this is also a time of beginnings. And you know what? I am still working hard on the "learning to trust" thing.

Apparently parenting is difficult! (Why didn't someone warn me? Oh wait, I think everyone did!) Parenting while one parent is in grad school is tricky. Living 500 miles away from family and friends is hard, but once you have a baby it gets much harder! And being married to a future pastor with no idea where you'll be living in a few years, well, if that isn't an exercise in trust, I don't know what is! I am realizing more and more that trusting God is not a skill that I am going to master, but a habit that I have to practice daily to maintain. And there is no way I can do that without God's help.

I honestly don't know where I am going with this blog, but although I have learned a lot and grown a lot of over the past few years, I know there is always more to learn and grow in. I want to continue to write about trusting God through the daily struggles of life. I will probably still write about infertility, because that will always be a part of my story and I feel passionately that we need to talk about it more and be more aware of couples going through it. But I will also start writing about other topics related to faith, family, and trusting God.

That is, if this sweet little girl in my arms gives me time!

What I've Learned: God's Faitfulness

As I look back over the past year of my life I can't help but be amazed and how blessed I am. If you asked me what "best case scenario" would be last Christmas, I probably would have described exactly what transpired over this last year. We got pregnant on our very first medicated cycle; how very fortunate we were! And Charis is such a wonderful blessing! There are no words to describe the love and joy that we feel to have her in our lives. What a gift.

I've been thinking lately about what I've learned through this past year and the experience of infertility over the past few years. I've been trying to think about on what I've learned about God, about trusting him, and how my faith has grown through this. It is very hard to put my finger on. It would be easy to say that I have learned to trust God even when I don't see why certain things happen because He has a perfect, better plan that is better than anything I can ever imagine. That would be easy, and you might believe it. But I don't think I would. Because the truth is, I am so grateful for Charis, but there are other things going on in my life, and I knew the future will hold other struggles, and those struggles are still hard. It is still hard for me to feel peaceful and trusting and content about every aspect of my life. I still desire to control things and wish that I could have things exactly my way. And I don't know why infertility happened to me. I don't exactly see why it was necessary. While I trust God to love me and care for me, I don't think that everything in my life will be the way I want it to be all the time. And I am still learning to trust that God's plan will be better than my plan, because my plans always sound really great to me at the time. 

It is almost a Christian cliche, the idea that if you pray enough, wait long enough, have enough faith, etc. then God will give you whatever you are asking for. I think that having faith in God's providence and care for you, praying to him for the desires of your heart, and waiting patiently are all great things. I think God wants us to do those things. But I know that we will never have faith, wait patiently, or trust in God perfectly. We will never have enough faith or pray fervently enough to deserve anything from God. We cannot make God act. God chooses to act. God does know what is best for us, sometimes it is what we thought we wanted and sometimes it is not, and sometimes bad things happen just because and there is no reason for it at all.

The good news is that God knows that we will never trust him perfectly, he knows that our faith can always be stronger and we can always be more patient. His Holy Spirit living in us is what allows our faith to grow and our patience to increase. The good news is that even when our faith is not strong and when we doubt, God is faithful anyway. God loves us and desires to bless us, and he does so despite our imperfect faith, impatience and doubts.

I think that is what I have learned: even when I am not faithful, even when I do not trust God the way I should, God is always faithful. His love and the way he has blessed me this past year is overwhelming.

As it is Advent, I was listening to a sermon recently about Zechariah. That account from Luke 1 simply blows me away, and I think summarizes what I've learned in this journey about God. In this story Zechariah and Elizabeth are childless, and long to have a child. While Zechariah is serving in the temple , God sends Gabriel, an angel, to tell Zechariah that Elizabeth will have a son. Their son will be John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus' ministry. When Zechariah hears that God has heard their prayer and is going to answer it, he does not believe it. He doubts God's faithfulness. We've all done that in our own lives, and I know I've been there over the course of this journey. But notice what happens next... God still blesses Zechariah. God doesn't say, "Fine, you didn't believe me. You doubted my love. Your faith is lacking. No kid for you." Sure, Gabriel points out Zechariah's lack of faith, and Zechariah is unable to speak until the baby is born. But God still gives them a baby! God is still faithful to Zechariah despite Zechariah's doubts and unfaithfulness.

And another note about Zechariah and Elizabeth, check out Luke 1:6-7: "And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.  But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years." The Bible says that Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous and blameless before God - it wasn't anything they did wrong that caused their infertility, it wasn't a lack of faith that kept them from having a baby, and the reason that they had no child had nothing to do with God or them. The Bible just says that they had no child because Elizabeth was barren. Things just happen. And although it seemed to take forever, and ultimately Zechariah and Elizabeth gave up hope, God was faithful to them and chose to bless them with a child. 

This story doesn't just apply to infertility. We all have things that we ask God for, things that we feel are missing in our lives, and we all struggle with trusting God at times. We want things to be the way we want them to be. But even when we are not faithful, God always is. And even though that may mean an answer to our prayer today, or it may not, we can rely on God's faithfulness. 

Birth Story

I went back and forth many times about posting this. I struggled with whether or not sharing my birth story was "over-sharing" or not. It doesn't get much more personal than giving birth, and I have always been somewhat uncomfortable with talking about personal things. But at the same time I love reading other women's birth stories. Having a baby is one of the most significant, special moments in a person's life, and of course I would want to share that. Also, I find reading others' birth stories to be beautiful, so I assume that some people out there feel the same way.

Looking back on the day my daughter was born, it was both the hardest and the best day of my life. How is that possible? Well, anyone who has had a baby will probably understand. At the time I was going through pregnancy and labor I didn't want to share any details with hardly anyone - it was just too personal. But now that it's in the past, I feel more comfortable with it. So I decided to post a "cleaned up" version of my story. I left out many of the more graphic details, but I still caution you - if you're uncomfortable with birth stories, obviously you should skip reading this post.

My Daughter's Birth Story

Saturday, October 19^th

I worked my full 9-hour day on Friday, but wrapped up everything I had going on at work, hoping that it would be my last day in the office. I was feeling pretty good, so I told my co-workers that I was planning not to be back the next week, but if I still felt this good, I might come in on Monday and Tuesday. I had an appointment on Wednesday, so I was planning not to work that day or from that point on.

I was having contractions throughout the day on Saturday, but they were not painful, so I thought they were still just pre-labor contractions like I had been having off and on for weeks. These were a little stronger though, and were accompanied sometimes by cramps, which was new. I was feeling so poorly by the evening that we weren’t sure if we would make it to church on Sunday.

Sunday, October 20^th

I woke up in the morning around 1:30am with stronger contractions than I had felt before. And the crampy feelings were getting very painful. I watched the clock as I lay in bed, and after about 40 minutes I realized that I couldn’t sleep through these, and they were coming only five minutes apart or so. They weren’t consistent, but the longest interval in that time frame was seven minutes. I woke up Jonathan and told him what was going on. After we timed them for another half hour or so, he convinced me to call my doctor and ask about them, since they had been coming five minutes apart for over an hour. I called the exchange, and they connected me with my OB, who was fortunately on call. She said to keep timing them, and if they got stronger and were consistent for a while longer, I could go to the hospital. We tried to sleep some more, but I couldn’t sleep through them at all, and they were getting more painful. I got in the shower and they sped up to two to three minutes apart and continued to get more painful. We ended up going to the hospital around 6am.

When we got to the hospital we went to triaging and they monitored the baby for a while. She was doing really well, and when I was checked I was three centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. They told me I could walk around for an hour and they would re-check me at 7:30. We walked around between contractions, with me leaning on the wall and waiting for each one to pass while Jonathan rubbed my back. I was feeling them in my lower back the entire time. When they re-checked me, they said I was four centimeters, and they admitted us and moved us to a Labor and Delivery room.

While in the triaging room I found out that I had tested positive for GBS. My doctor must have forgotten to mention that to me, and I must have forgotten to ask about it, because I didn’t know until the nurse said that it was in my chart. That meant that I would have to have antibiotics during labor, which had to be administered through an IV. I had really hoped to avoid an IV, so I was very disappointed, and also frustrated with myself for forgetting to follow up and ask about the results to that test. Fortunately, because of my penicillin allergy, they had to give me a different drug than the one usually administered, and the one they gave me only had to be given every eight hours during labor, as opposed to every four hours with the standard drug. They allowed me to do intermittent monitoring and administered the antibiotic during the first round of monitoring so that I would be able to disconnect the IV and move around as soon as it was administered.

While getting my IV, the anesthesiologist stopped in to see me. I was planning to go all natural, but he came anyway to talk about options just in case I changed my mind. As a young teenager I had back surgery to correct Scoliosis, and I have a long spinal fusion and rods in my back. I showed the anesthesiologist my x-rays and after looking at them for a few minutes he said that he would not give me an epidural. With how low my rods extended and all the scar tissue that was there, he thought it very likely that it would not work, or that there would be complications. He said that if I ended up needing an emergency C-section, he would attempt to do a spinal, but if that didn’t work it would have to be general anesthesia. At this point it didn’t bother me too much to know that I couldn’t have an epidural, because I had been planning to go without anyway.

We alternated between walking around the hospital and using the exercise ball for hours as the contractions kept coming. They were still coming around 3 minutes or so apart at this point and were very consistent. Around 1pm my doctor arrived and checked me. She said I was still only four centimeters. She wanted to start pitocin to help get things going, but I told her that I would not be able to have an epidural and was therefore afraid of the stronger, more painful contractions that I heard accompany pitocin. She agreed that in that case she would not recommend that route, and said that my other option was to go home. She said the contractions were not strong or painful enough to dilate all the way and that they might peter off or they might get stronger, but at this point they weren't strong enough for me to stay in the hospital if I wasn't progressing.

I went home. We got home around 2:30pm and I laid down with a heating pad and tried to take a nap. I may have gotten an hour or two of sleep in between the contractions. They slowed down to every 20 minutes or so, but never went away. I didn't know if our baby girl would still be born soon, or if the contractions would stop and I’d have to wait for days longer. It was stressful, and on top of that my doctor had told me that the contractions would have to be much, much more painful, which was scary since I was already in so much pain with each one.

Jonathan and I tried to go to bed Sunday night, but by 11:30pm the contractions were coming every 5 minutes again and I knew for sure that this was different. They were so much more painful than they had been earlier that day that I couldn't keep from crying out with each one. I tried getting in the shower, but they were so painful and coming so close together that the shower did nothing to alleviate the pain. I could barely stand up through them anymore.

Jonathan quickly re-packed the car and we went back to the hospital. We were admitted again just a few minutes after midnight.

Monday, October 21^st

When we were admitted I was five centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. I spent the next two or three hours on a birthing ball, with my head resting on the bed between contractions. I was so tired I could hardly think, and the contractions were so much more painful than they had been earlier in the day. They were coming so close together that I felt like I didn’t get much of a  break between each one. Jonathan sat there behind me the whole time rubbing my back and saying encouraging things. I didn’t have energy to acknowledge him, but having him there was very comforting. My water broke sometime around 2am. Around 3am or so my nurse checked me again and I was seven centimeters. I was glad to be making progress, but I didn’t know how I could possibly survive at this rate until we got to ten. I don’t know what would have happened if an epidural had been an option for me – I might very well have asked for one at some point. I hope I would have resisted the temptation, but I can't say that I would have with any confidence. They did offer to give me other pain medication through an IV, but I asked if there were side effects for the baby, and they said it would make her sleepy. I said I would see if I could go without, and I’m glad I didn’t give in, but I seriously considered it.

At this point my nurse suggested I get in the shower. I’m so glad she was there to make me do it, because it helped a lot. It didn’t really help with the pain, but I went from seven to ten in about an hour and a half or so in the shower. At that point I felt the urge to push, so I got out of the shower and went back to the bed. The nurse never told me not to push, she said I could go right ahead and she got on the phone and got everyone in the room as fast as she could. Thankfully, I only had to push for 45 minutes or so. My doctor got there about five to ten minutes before our daughter was born.

Those 5½ hours from midnight to 5:30am were easily the hardest hours of my life. Jonathan and my nurse kept reassuring me that I was doing really well, that my daughter would be here any minute, and that they could see her head, etc. I don’t think I processed any of that. I hardly knew what I was doing. But Jonathan tells me that the second that she was born it was like a switch was flipped – my face changed from one expressing sheer pain to the happiest he’d ever seen me. I think my first joyful thought on seeing her was she’s out; that means I’m not in labor anymore! Thank God, I’m done!  But instantly following that thought I really saw her, and she was so beautiful, so perfect, even all slimy and messy. They wiped her off quickly and gave her to me and I was able to hold her for the next hour and a half or so. I hardly noticed what happened next, because I had my beautiful daughter in my arms. She had so much dark hair, and she looked so much like Jonathan! We were both in love instantly.

After they were done stitching me up, the nurse helped me get her into position and start breastfeeding. She did very well at that, and I fed her for 30 minutes or so. They let me hold her while they gave her her shot and eye ointment, and she did so well with all of that. Eventually they took her and gave her a bath, but I could still see her from my bed and watched. One of the most amazing things was that while she was crying during the bath, if Jonathan or I talked to her she calmed down right away. It was so obvious that she knew our voices.

Our daughter was born at 5:36am, 6lbs, 1oz, and absolutely beautiful after over 27 hours of completely natural, medication-free labor. I can't take credit for any of that, though. She is a beautiful, miraculous gift from God, and the fact that I made it through those 27 hours on only a few hours of sleep - I can only thank God that I survived that as well.

I also have to be thankful in a strange way for my back surgery and for the anesthesiologist who refused to give me an epidural. Having that option off the table helped me resist the temptation to take the pitocin when my doctor suggested it. Clearly I didn't need it, as I gave birth all on my own about 14 hours after it was offered.  I really did want to go all-natural, and considering how very hard it was, I'm glad that it was really my only option because I very well might have had a much different, more complicated story otherwise. God really does know what He is doing!

Ask, Seek, Knock

This Sunday in church the gospel reading was Luke 11:1-13. As we read it in church, and during the sermon, I got to thinking a lot about this passage, especially the verses about "Ask and it will be given to you." I feel like this passage has always been hard for me to understand, so I thought I'd take a minute to explore it here.

 Luke 11:1-13

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” ² And he said to them,“When you pray, say:“Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come.³ Give us each day our daily bread,⁴ and forgive us our sins,    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.And lead us not into temptation.”⁵ And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, ⁶ for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? ⁸ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. ⁹ And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; ¹² or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

This passage is all about prayer and persistence in prayer.  I know that during our journey through infertility (and even before that in other areas of life) I have been absolutely perplexed by passages like this. I feel like I grew up just hearing verses 9 and 10 in isolation from the rest of the passage and they never made any sense. It sure sounded to me like God would give me anything I asked for. If you add in verses 5-8, it makes it sound like you can wear God down by persistent prayer. Like if you annoy Him enough He will give you whatever you want just to get you to shut up. I never really understood that.

Everyone has heard some variation of this concept - "God always answers prayer one way or another. He either says 'yes,' 'no,' or 'later.'" I never really understood why people said this. Is that supposed to be reassuring? I suppose the intent is to communicate that God always hears every prayer, regardless of whether or not He gives you specifically what you prayed for. And it is important to trust that God knows best and not try to determine for yourself exactly what way in which you expect God to answer your prayer. But the really hard thing about prayer, especially when you feel that your prayers are not being answered, is that at the time and in the moment, there is no way to tell the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "later." How are we supposed to know that? All too often we pray and we pray and we pray for the one thing that we want more than anything else, and all we hear is the absence of that yes that we are waiting for. If we knew for sure that God was saying, "later" it would be much easier to wait! But then we wouldn't have to trust Him.

I think this passage is easier to understand when taken in context. If we look at the beginning, the disciples came to Jesus and asked Him to teach them to pray. Jesus proceeded with the Lord's Prayer, which we all know so well that we sometimes forget to look at it and what Jesus is really teaching here. Jesus doesn't say that we should start with the thing we want most and repeatedly ask God for it over and over and over until we get it (or until we give up and decide that God isn't listening and doesn't care about us). There is so much packed into this prayer that we could really dig in all day, but just looking at two things for now, Jesus prays, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (I realize that this isn't in this particular recounting, but it is in Matthew's account.) And then He goes on, "Give us this day our daily bread." This is praying for just our bare needs - not what we want more than anything, but what we need. Not "Give us this day cake, ice cream, and all things delicious."

In verse 8 this is reiterated, "Because of his impudence, he will rise up and give him whatever he needs." Not whatever he desires. Whatever he needs. Now we get to, "And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened." And look at the end of the passage - this is the best part. "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This is wonderfully reassuring. It speaks of God's love for us. If we know how to give good things to our earthly children, how very much more God must love us! And the Holy Spirit, which creates saving faith in our hearts, is the ultimate gift that God can give. Surely God loves us very much indeed, and does wish to answer our prayers and give us good gifts. But what He really wants is to give us the greatest gift of all - the gift that Christ died so that we could have - faith in Him and eternal life with Him forever.

I think that's the context for this passage. And in that light "ask and it shall be given to you" and all that makes sense. If God is talking about his Holy Spirit, of course He desires and promises to give it to all of us. But I think that we can also take reassurance from this passage that God desires to give us good things. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above."

This baby that I am carrying is a wonderful gift and a miracle from God. She is also a beautiful and long-awaited answer to prayer. When I was praying every day for God to give me a child, I felt confused at why God would not answer my prayer. Wasn't God the one that told us to have children? Doesn't the Bible only ever talk about children as the greatest blessing? I felt sure that God's will was that I would have children because children and families are God's idea, and part of His design. So I couldn't figure out why God would answer "no" to my prayer. As it turned out God didn't answer "no" forever. But I did need to trust God that even if I didn't ever have my own children, that God would answer my prayer and longing in one way or another. I know that God does love me, I know that He does desire to give me good things, and I know that God loves families. This world we live in isn't perfect, but that isn't God's fault. We did that. It doesn't always make sense, especially when we are in the thick of one struggle or another. But we can count on God's promise that He will be there and He will answer our prayers.

And instead of praying for exactly what we think we need and nothing else, let's echo the disciples and say, "Lord, teach us to pray."