Two years ago Jonathan and I were preparing to move to a new city where I would start a new job and he would start at a new school. We had just graduated from college and were in a time of transition. Two years ago we were also staring infertility in the face. We had been trying to conceive for over a year and had absolutely nothing to show for it except a lot of stress, tears, and confusion. I was turning 22 years old, and while others my age either had starting a family on the far horizon or were already having children, I was in crisis realizing that my own plans and expectations were not going to be met. I felt so lonely; no one I knew was facing this, and I thought that no one understood what I was going through.
Over the next year we went from that low of lows to the highest of highs. Summer of 2012 was one of the hardest times of my life. It was probably the most difficult spiritual, emotional, and relational place I have ever been in. I found it hard to pray. When I did pray I yelled at God. I found it hard to sing hymns at church. When I did sing I cried. I found it hard to focus on finding a job and my career because I was so worried about starting a family. But fast forward to summer of 2013 and I was pregnant with our miracle baby. I was happier than I had ever been. Life was truly wonderful.
Now it is summer of 2014 and I have an amazing, beautiful daughter whom I love more than words can express. My heart is full of gratitude to God for blessing me and Jonathan with our little girl. I look back on those two years of infertility and I remember how dark and sad they were at times. (They were also wonderful years. Years spent just the two of us, living in our one bedroom, newlywed apartment, eating ice cream and having fun together. I remember all the joy. But infertility definitely cast a shadow.)
Looking back, it is now possible for me to see the ways that God was working in our lives during those years. While we were in the trenches, of course I couldn't see that. We so seldom can during such times. I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen so that he can teach us lessons. I do not believe that God intends for us to suffer from evils of this sinful world like infertility, illness, loss, etc. I believe that it hurts God's loving heart to see us suffer. But I believe that he is powerful and good and is able to work good into even the most broken situations.
I am not going to say, "Thank you, God, for infertility." I can't say that. It would not be sincere. But I can say, "Thank you, God, for never leaving my side. Thank you for what you taught me in the midst of that situation. Thank you for answering my prayer and blessing me with a baby even though it took a while. Thank you for always being good and for always being my Lord."
Jonathan and I always talked about and dreamed of having a big family with many kids. When we were first dating I remember telling him I wanted seven kids, and he was fine with that. Now that I see him with our daughter I know that he shares my dream of a large family. One thing that God taught me through our infertility journey is to give over my plans for my family to him and look instead for his plan. That sounds like such a churchy, Christian cliche that it almost pains me to type it, but it is true.
I want to share part of our story that I haven't talked about much before.
In the months right before I got pregnant Jonathan and I started seriously looking into adoption. I did a lot of research. I read a lot of stories and blogs. I flipped through books on adoption in the library. I requested information packets from adoption agencies. We even went to an information session. I thought about what it would mean to build my family that way. I can't lie, the thought was scary. It isn't something I was familiar with, and I knew there would be many special challenges. But God used that time to open both our minds and hearts to adoption. I found a passion for adoption growing within me, a desire to add to our family that way. And even though I do have my baby girl now, that desire and passion has not subsided. If anything, it has continued to grow as I have cared for my daughter.
I wrote this post around the time that we conceived before I knew that we were pregnant. (Please take a minute to read it - it is a short one, I promise.) When I go back and read it I am blown away by God's graciousness and timing. I do not believe that we got pregnant because we "finally gave it over to God." That would make the blessings of God something that we had earned or done ourselves. I believe that the pregnancy was a gift, and I believe that my new openness to adoption and to a plan that was different than my own was also a gift from God. I look back on January of 2013 and I see that as the month that God started our family. He literally gave us a baby that month and he also placed a willingness and a desire in my heart that month for adoption. What a beautiful thing!
To be clear, we are not planning to adopt right now or in the immediate future. We have one child to care for, school to finish, and it does not seem to be the time right now. But we do hope to adopt when the timing is right. That could be in two years, ten years, or even further from now. Or maybe God will change our plans again. He is certainly able to do so.
Two years ago it was a dark time in some ways. I had so much ahead of me, but also so much dread as to what the future might hold for my plans. I was afraid that I couldn't have the life I always dreamed of. But two years later, I see that no, I can't have that life. But I do still have a life, a life that will be filled with hard times and good times. A life that will be filled with disappointments, failures, surprises, delights, blessings, and joy. All of those things. In the midst of sin, sadness and brokenness, God continues to abide with us and to reveal his plans to us. I am sincerely grateful for what God has taught me over the past two years and I look forward with eagerness to see what the future holds for my family.
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