When We Regret Our Words

I am not a perfect person.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all say things we regret from time to time, or sometimes more often than that. And yet, I find myself almost always more willing to accept that other people aren't perfect than that I am not perfect. My own failings bother me so much more than the same failings would bother me in someone else.

My entire life, I have been a very talkative person. I talk a lot, I say a lot of things, and I all too often say exactly what I'm thinking with minimal filtering. And unfortunately, what I'm thinking is not always nice. Sometimes what feels even worse is saying only a part of what I'm thinking in the most blunt way, only to realize later that I may have hurt someone I care about's feelings or been misunderstood in a way that I do not intend to be.

For some reason, it is very hard for me to let go of moments where I wish I had said something differently or not said anything at all. There are still conversations I had with friends in 3rd grade that I remember word-for-word, because I hurt someone's feelings and I regretted it.

But when I dig deeper, one of the reasons I still remember those moments is because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I got called out for hurting their feelings, or because I think they now remember me as saying something that I truly don't mean. I wish I remembered those moments because I regret hurting the people I care about, and while I do regret that, I'm afraid that I remember those moments more because the embarrassment of being caught saying something so hurtful and insensitive hurt my pride.

Like I said, I'm not a perfect person.

During the years that we wanted to have a child but had not yet conceived, there were a lot of things I told myself I would never do or say because I knew first-hand how unintentionally hurtful some comments can be, especially when made by people who have children already or who have not struggled to have children. I knew that most people did not know we were trying to get pregnant, so I forgave most people for their remarks if they hurt my feelings, but inwardly I determined that I would never be the one to cause that hurt by my words.

But I know that since having my daughter I have caught myself once or twice saying things that I thought I would never say. I usually hear myself as the words are coming out of my mouth and instantly regret them, but it is too late. This experience has made me realize two things.

1.  I need to extend grace to people who have inadvertently said things to me that caused me pain or reminded me of my own struggles.
   
   They do not know what I am going through, and I can't think of a single situation where a person wanted to hurt my feelings by what they said. The internet is crawling with lists of things never to say to people who do not have kids, women dealing with infertility, mothers of newborns, couples who are childless by choice, single people, and the lists go on. I have read these lists, and wherever I can identify with the target audience, I have usually found myself in agreement. There are things that one should never say. But I have also realized that I have said things that have probably been hurtful before, and all I intended to do was show interest in someone's life and make conversation. Remember that the majority of the time, when people ask questions or say things that are hurtful because of our current situation, they mean well and just want to know more about us as people.
   
   
   
2. I need to extend grace to myself when I say things I regret.
   
   I am not a perfect person, but I know that I do not usually set out to hurt the people I love. What makes it so hard for me to forgive myself when I know I've messed up? Honestly, I think I find it harder to forgive myself because I wish I could be a perfect person. I want to be the one who never messes up, who always says the right thing, who everyone loves. I want to be the best.
   
   This failure to forgive myself stems from my desire to be perfect on my own, but the problem is I will never be even close to perfect on my own. Only through Jesus Christ and what he has done for me can I be seen as perfect in God's eyes. I need to be humble. I need to realize that it isn't I who can show love to my neighbor, it is Christ through me. And when I fail, Christ forgives me. And when I succeed, it is because of what Christ has done for me. It isn't because I'm such a wonderful, sensitive, caring person. No, I'm a sinner, and I'm fallen. But I am able to show love to others because Jesus first showed that love to me.

The takeaway is this - no one is perfect and we all say things that hurt each other's feelings. We all make insensitive comments when we just mean to talk. We all have moments where we instantly regret our words. We need to forgive each other and we need to forgive ourselves because Christ forgives us all.

This past weekend I caught myself saying something silly. I was making conversation about my daughter and I said something just to have something to say. Then I looked around and I heard my words back in my head and they sounded pretty insensitive and even a little judgmental. I wished I could have taken them back, rephrased my thought, been more considerate. But I couldn't. I spent the next day feeling bad about what I had said, which did nothing to take back the words. I do strive to be better about being sensitive and not saying hurtful things, and that is good. But when I slip up I need to forgive myself, just as I forgive others when they slip up.

I don't know if anyone else struggles with this. Maybe it's just me, but maybe you also feel bad because you say things that you regret. Or maybe you have felt judged or hurt by the thoughtless words of someone you love. Maybe today you need to forgive someone for unintentionally saying something insensitive about your life choices, your family, your family size, or something else. Or maybe today you need to forgive yourself for saying hurtful things. Whether you need to forgive yourself or someone else, remember that we can forgive because Jesus forgives us. And remember that the people who love you love you, even if they don't always manage to show it in the best way.