I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.
But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.
Sometimes there are negative thoughts that creep in. Sometimes, even though I am blessed beyond measure, I am jealous of what other people have. Everyone has been there I know. We are all guilty of jealousy and coveting from time to time, no matter how much we hate to admit it, and I am no different.
I had a plan. A plan to have a large family. I got married young and planned to be one of those women who gets married at 20 and has children right away. I thought I would be at least pregnant with my third by my fifth wedding anniversary. I thought that I would celebrate my first anniversary pregnant. I planned to have that be my story. I knew that it might not happen quite like that, but I planned to have that happen if at all possible.
Plans don't always work out that way. Sometimes they change. It has been a roller coaster ride for sure, these first four years of marriage. Things certainly did not go as I had planned. Yet, God has taught me so much in this time and today I am blessed with a beautiful daughter whom I couldn't love more. She was worth waiting for.
But like I said, sometimes I have negative, jealous, ugly thoughts. The other day I stumbled upon a Facebook profile of someone I do not know well, but happened to be connected to online. This person got married, got pregnant less than two months after marriage, had their first baby just eight months ago, and just announced baby number two. When I saw that, I thought, "Ugh. Of course. Great." And the ugly thoughts came sweeping in.
Why does it happen so easily for so many others? It's not fair! If we had gotten pregnant that fast, we would have two kids by now. That will never happen for me, so I shouldn't even think about it. Why do I have to face a choice between kids who are close in age and extended breastfeeding while others "have it all"? It would be so much fun to be able to surprise my husband with a pregnancy announcement - due to fertility treatments, that will probably never happen for me.
Follow up this surge of negativity with a giant eye roll on my part, and you have my initial reaction. Naturally these thoughts are followed by a deep sense of guilt, because of course I don't want to be so petty and jealous.
I told you... ugly thoughts. When I was in the midst of infertility, the thoughts were so hard to turn away. I had to focus everything I had and pray that God would help me think positively and be happy for these people. It isn't always easy, especially when I don't know the people well. But I desperately didn't want to think this way, and I noticed something that helped.
I found that the closer I was to the person making the announcement, the less it bothered me. If a dear friend announced a pregnancy, I would be very happy for her, even if I was sad for myself. So I try to channel that joy I would feel for those I love and feel that for the acquaintances as well. With God's help, I transform my thoughts into...
Wow, what a blessing for them! I know I would love that if it happened to me - they must be so thrilled! How wonderful that they will hopefully not have to experience the pain of infertility. I truly wouldn't wish that uncertainty and pain on anyone I know or care about. Babies are such wonderful blessings - planned or unplanned, waited for or surprises. Nothing is more wonderful than a new baby!
Today, those negative feelings come and go like a wave and leave me with just the joyful happiness for those around me. Two years ago, in the midst of infertility, it took more time. Sometimes it would take hours, sometimes days. But I thank God for transforming my thoughts, even when it is so hard to do, and allowing me to let go of that bitterness and be happy for others.
When I have those "ugly thoughts" I am able to remind myself that God has good plans for my family. I know that my family doesn't look the way I thought it would, but I know that I couldn't love my family more than I do. I know that my future isn't as sure or black and white as I hoped it might be when I was younger, but I also know that no one's future goes the way they plan it to go. I know that God will continue to bless me with a beautiful family, and even if it doesn't look like I pictured five years ago, it will be perfect for us. I know that I will have more kids one way or another, and I know I will love them all. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for us, and I thank God that he has helped me get past the bitterness to be joyful for others in their blessings.
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