Embracing Uncertainty

There is so much we can't know or anticipate about the future. We can always make plans, and as a planner, I always do. We can create lists, family goals for how many children we hope to have, financial goals for how much money we hope to make or save or spend on a house, career goals for what we want to do and where we want to live... Plans for how we will raise and educate our children. Plans for what parenting mistakes we will be sure never to make. Plans for where and how our next birth experience will go... The list goes on forever. We all like to plan, and we all like to feel control and autonomy over our future. But the more we plan, the more opportunities we have to learn about what happens when life doesn't go according to our plans.

The Sweet Side of Separation Anxiety

"Mama, Mamama... Mamaaa..." my little 10-month-old calls for me as she crawls around our new, bigger home, searching to see where I wandered off to this time. I come out to find her and see her on all fours, pattering around the kitchen (clearly where she thinks I usually am) looking for me. She sees me, her face lights up, she aims for me, and her crawling speed doubles as she heads towards me with everything she has. She gets to me, grabs my jeans, and pulls up to standing using my legs for support. Smiling up at me she continues to say, "Mamama! Mama!" until I pick her up. How adorable! Irresistible, right?

I do love it - the knowledge that my daughter finds my presence comforting and reassuring. She has always been such an independent and curious little girl that I have never thought of her as being clingy or a "Mama's girl." But her 10-month-birthday comes after almost a month of transitions: weeks spent packing our home into boxes and storing all our furniture, a two-day road trip, two weeks in our hometown visiting family and friends, and then moving into a new house that is much bigger than our old apartment. Our new home also means that she is in her own room for the first time ever (even though when she wakes up at night she is welcomed into our bed). It is a lot of change for her! And now I read that 10 months is the typical time for babies to experience separation anxiety.

So who can blame her for always needing to know where her parents are, or clinging to us hoping that we won't wander off again? It is only natural. Who can blame her for crying when we put her in her car seat? Sometimes the ride is short, but sometimes it is hours long, and how can she know the difference? Who can blame her for clinging to what is familiar, what she knows, or what she feels safe with? I understand - she needs me. She needs us. She needs familiarity, security, and comfort. And I feel blessed to be able to give her that.

Now if I am being honest, I do not always react positively to my daughter's clinginess. She grabs my legs as described above constantly, she would rather be held than anything else, she pulls at my lips and plays with my hair and digs her little baby nails into my skin as she tries to use me as a baby jungle gym. When my husband comes home for lunch or at the end of the day, sometimes I tell him that all I want is 20 minutes of time where nobody touches me. All I want is a few consecutive moments of personal space.

New Beginnings and Why I Love Moving

I must be one of the only people I know who actually kind of likes to move. We have moved twice so far in our married life, and we'll be moving about three times in the next two years. Sure, moving is a lot of work. I hate living out of boxes, and I have no idea how I will get all the packing and unpacking done with a baby around. But secretly, I look forward to moving. I daydream about packing boxes. Am I crazy? Yes, I admit that I probably am.