Remembering the Journey

I still have this picture framed on my nightstand next to my bed:

After our first ultrasound at the end of February last year I brought this home, our one picture reminding me of that little flickering heartbeat on the screen, and put it in this frame next to my bed. During those early days of pregnancy when it is so easy to worry and doubt and symptoms come and go I would look at this picture and remember that tiny heartbeat often. Then the next ultrasound came, and our little baby was bigger, jumping all around. I could have replaced this picture with a new one. I could have replaced it with a profile picture from our ultrasound in June. I could have a picture of my baby after she was born by now, but I still keep that first ultrasound picture in the frame by my bed.


Every time I see it, I remember that feeling of relief and joy. That feeling that God had answered my prayers. That moment when I first caught a glimpse of my little girl, even though I didn't know that she was a girl, or know anything about her. That was a moment of hope for me, a moment of relief, a moment of joy, a moment of thanksgiving, and I want to remember that feeling always. So I keep that first ultrasound picture, and I see it every day, and I remember.

It is amazing how fast memories fade. It is scary how fuzzy even recent events are in hindsight. If I could re-live moments, I would. There are so many I would love to re-live from the past year. That first ultrasound, seeing that heartbeat. The second ultrasound, the joy of seeing my baby jumping up and down in there. Finding out we were having a girl. That amazing moment when labor is over and you hold your child in your arms for the first time. I desperately wish I could re-live those moments. But those memories, while I will hopefully treasure them forever, fade. They become less clear, the feelings more distant. And that's sad.

But happy memories are not the only ones that fade. It is sometimes hard to remember the sting of going through infertility. I do not want to re-live the month after month disappointment of trying to conceive for two years. I do not want to re-live what it is like to see pregnancy announcements pop up in newsfeeds on Facebook, thinking to myself, "That's great for them... I bet I'll be pregnant before that baby is born, don't worry." And then that baby's birth comes and goes... and nothing. There are so many feelings that I do not want to re-live ever again. But at the same time, in some ways, I do.

I want to remember how hard it was. I want to remember how long I waited, how much I longed for her, how frustrating and sad each failed cycle was. Because remembering those things helps me realize how blessed I am. Remembering those things helps me when I'm getting up in the middle of the night for the 3rd time with a baby who is definitely old enough to sleep through the night. Remembering those things makes rinsing baby poo out of onesies day after day a joyful task. Remembering those things helps me realize how good God is, and how dearly he loves me. And remembering those things helps me remember that there are still many others waiting, going through that month-by-month pain and frustration. I know how lonely that can feel, and I know how it seems like no one understands, and I want more than anything for those women (and men) to know that they are understood, and that others have been there.


I have a very special giveaway planned to start on Wednesday! It will feature a beautiful charm bracelet made by a friend of mine. I am getting one of her charm bracelets, and will be wearing it to remind myself of the journey I went through to get to where I am today, the blessing my daughter is to me, and God's enduring faithfulness.

Please check back on Wednesday to learn more and enter the giveaway!