A Stay-At-Home Mom (With a Job)

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I plan to be a stay-at-home mom. I think about myself as a stay-at-home mom. And I am one, most of the time. After our daughter was born, I took 11 weeks off work. I started doing some work from home after about 8 weeks - just a few hours here and there - and then returned to part-time work at the 11 week mark. Right now I work two afternoons per week in the office and an additional 5-8 hours from home as time allows and as my job dictates. I like to think of myself as a stay-at-home mom, even though technically I work between 13 and 17 hours each week.

Now, we have been very blessed in that we have not needed child care. Jonathan has been able to be home with our little girl on the afternoons when I am at work, which is great. They get quality time together, I don't have a single worry about her, and it is free. I am also blessed with a great job that is very flexible about my hours and supportive of me cutting back to care for my daughter. I realize that I have been very fortunate and that I could have had to make even tougher decisions about jobs and childcare.

To be honest, if I could afford to not work at all, I probably would choose that route.
It is hard, caring for a baby, trying to fit in a job, and still getting the housework done and cooking healthy meals whenever possible. There is not a lot of extra time! Jonathan and I have been in agreement since day one that the ideal situation is for me to stay home with our kids. That is the goal, and that is our long-term plan. But of course, life sometimes dictates that we tweak or change our plans. Even though we knew that I would need to work, we decided that it was still very important to us to have someone stay home with our daughter. So we brainstormed, sacrificed some things, and figured out a way to make that happen, even with him in school right now.

I have learned that my child can have a stay-at-home-parent experience without a full-time, stay-at-home mom. When people ask me if I stay at home or work, I almost always feel this twinge of sadness or guilt when I say that I work part-time. I know better than to feel guilty about that, but I still feel that hint of regret that I can't proudly declare that I'm a full-time stay-at-home mom. But the truth is, my daughter has a stay-at-home parenting experience, because even when I'm at work, her dad is with her. And she loves her dad! It always warms my heart to see them together. One of the unexpected blessings of seminary is that Jonathan has more time to spend with our daughter than he would if he had a full-time job. He comes home for lunch break, and whenever he isn't in class, he's here. Sure, he has to do homework, but he's around a lot, and those two afternoons that I'm away are extra bonding time for them. I don't think that our daughter prefers one of her parents over the other. If anything, she's probably a daddy's girl! It has been a surprising blessing for us that has come out of starting our family while still in grad school.

I have also realized that with careful planning and very intentional spending, we can make it work on a lot less than you might think. We have always been very frugal, and it is certainly paying off now. After crunching the numbers before we had our baby, we were able to make a plan that involved me working part-time, but not needing to go back full-time. It involved saving during the summer when we both had jobs, minimizing expenses, and being willing to dip into our savings a little bit. But we have a plan, and it is freeing to discover that even with one of us in grad school, we can still give our child the gift of a stay-at-home parent. I want to encourage new parents who think they will have to work, but would rather stay at home, to really think about how much the money matters and what expenses you can cut out. I'm not saying that what works for us will work for everyone, but I think people overestimate how much having a baby costs, and I definitely think society pushes women to work when they don't necessarily have to.

Another lesson I've learned is that working from home is still work, and it takes a lot of time! The internet age creates wonderful opportunities for mothers to work from home while taking care of their babies, which is great! I'm all about staying home when at all possible, and working from home is a good option for many. I do it, and it works for me. But it is still hard, and that is still time I can't do anything else. When my daughter was little, I spent every minute she was napping during the day sneaking off to my office and working until she woke up. (Except for those naps where she insisted on being held - but that's a different story.) That didn't leave time for laundry, cooking, or doing much else. Working from home is still working. If I didn't have to do it, I might not do it. And it isn't even that I don't like my job - I happen to very much like my job! But there's just a lot to do, and not that much time to do it in.

I guess the bottom line is that things don't always go the way you plan, but that doesn't mean they can't work out well. I always wanted not to work when my kids were little, as in not work at all. It was a bit scary to think about working, about leaving her when she was three months old, and it certainly isn't fun, even when you're leaving her with her daddy! But every family has needs that must be met, and we have been incredibly blessed to be able to meet those needs and be able to have one of us stay home with her all the time.

For us it came down to talking to each other, making sure we were on the same page with our priorities, planning ahead, and trusting in God to provide. It was hard to do, and it was hard for me to give up my ideal of staying at home from day one, but it has worked out so far, and the day when I can stay home full-time is getting closer. And who knows? Maybe that day will come, and I will change my mind and decide to work part-time after all. But as every parent knows, the key is figuring out what is going to be best in the long run for your kids, and then making it work. For us, we decided that means having a parent home full time, even though it might not be me all the time, and that's okay.