Can We Really "Do It All"?

Where did all those summer days go? In some ways each day was just like the one before and the one after, and yet but each one was so special. How can it be that my little girl has been moving around, exploring, and playing on her own for over four months now? How can it be that the whole summer went by, all those walks, the sunshine, the easy afternoons cuddling my daughter and nursing her to sleep, then after nap time waiting expectantly for "Daddy" to get home, then dinner together, then a quiet evening or perhaps another walk or outing... The whole summer went by like that, and now here we are - it is fall, and we are just a month away from a first birthday party.

What was I doing with all of those days?

I look at my beautiful daughter these days, and I am in awe of how smart she is, how well she understands me, how much she loves life. She is such a happy, energetic little girl, and I wish I could see the world through her eyes. I spend so much of my day with her, and yet looking back, I wonder how many of those summer days with her slipped by me while I worked on getting things done in spite of her.

Sleeping Well Without Sleep Training

When you have your first baby nothing will have prepared you for the havoc that baby will wreak on your sleep. People talk all the time about how little sleep parents of newborns get. People say silly things like, "Sleep extra now while you can" or "Store up lots of sleep before the baby gets here." If you are expecting a baby, you will be warned many times about the sleep deprivation in your future, but you won't be prepared. Nothing can really prepare you for not sleeping, and nothing can really fix the fact that you will go through those first few months with hardly any sleep to fall back on.

Of course, it does get better. But  while I'm guessing that no other phase is quite like the first couple months, parenthood in general is not a time of carefree, plentiful sleep.

Almost four months ago I wrote this post: Sleep Training - Yes or No? Four months ago I had a sweet little baby who was capable of sleeping for 7 hours at a time, (or going 7 hours without nursing), but could not put herself to sleep at all. Every single time she woke up during the night she cried, and either my husband or I would have to get up and help lull her back to sleep. Then when she did fall back asleep, about 90% of the time, if you set her down in her crib she would wake up and continue to cry.

It was hard. We talked about sleep training daily, but we didn't want to do it. Like I discussed in my post, it didn't feel right for us and it didn't feel right for her. We ended up coming up with a somewhat awkward co-sleeping arrangement involving the couch, my husband and I not sleeping in the same bed for a while, and our daughter essentially being held all night long while she slept. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get her to sleep in her crib.

The "Easy Phase"... Parents of Newborns, It Does Exist

"It gets better."

I heard that so much those first few months of caring for a newborn. I hoped that it would be true. At one point I think my mother told me that January was the month when it would start to get better (Baby Girl turned 3 months old in January). Somewhere along the line I latched onto that promise. There were some nights when I felt like I hadn't slept at all where I would sit there holding my baby counting down the weeks until January. Those first few months are so overwhelming. You feel like you can't get anything done. You feel like your baby will never sleep on her own. You feel like every minute of your baby's life they need your attention.

Those first few months are also so incredibly special, even though they are hard. If you are lucky, you don't have to work for much of that time, and you do get to spend so much of your day holding your baby. Having a baby changes everything about your life, how you view your family, how you view the world. It is truly a blessing and an amazing experience. By no means would I give up those first few months, no matter how hard they were! But that doesn't mean they were any easier just because they were also wonderful.

Bright, Colorful, Wonderful Messes

It happened today. I always secretly hoped that it wouldn't be me, that somehow I would end up being the one wife and mother that always succeeded in having a clean home without baskets of unfolded laundry sitting out and plastic toys covering the floor in every room. I really do try. I have a basket in the living room where all the baby toys go when they're not being used... hypothetically. Generally speaking, it isn't too bad around here.

Today I thought I was having a particularly good day home with my baby girl. She had played nicely by herself for little half hour segments of time here and there that had allowed me to do some work for my work-from-home job. We had taken a morning walk together despite the crushing humidity of a St. Louis summer day so I felt like I had exercised. We ate the same thing for lunch - Cheerios and yogurt - which just makes me realize how fast my baby is growing up. She took a decent afternoon nap, again I was able to get a thing or two done, though somehow not as much as I felt I "needed" to do. Then about a half hour before my husband got home from work I pulled out the cookbook and actually made dinner. I was able to utter the phrase, "Dinner is in the oven" when he came home, which always makes me feel like a huge success.

A Stay-at-Home Mom with a College Degree

I didn't go to college so I could get a job. I didn't go to college because everyone goes to college. I didn't go to college because my ultimate dream was to work in my field of study. I went to college because I wanted to. I went to college because there were things I wanted to learn. There were classes I wanted to take, people to meet, things to experience, and an opportunity to learn really important and interesting things about the world and how it works.

How is this relevant? Well, today I am a stay-at-home mom. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. I know that I want to homeschool my daughter and any future children we are blessed with. So in the immediate future I don't plan to "use" my college degree in a traditional job-related sense. It might be tempting to think of my college education as a "waste," but I don't see it that way.

When Did I Become an Attachment Parent?

Isn't she adorable? Isn't she precious? Of course she is! Sure, sometimes my little lady is exhausting. Sometimes she makes some significant messes. Sometimes I just want to hand her to my husband and have a few minutes to just sit. But even during these times, part of me always wants to be near her.

A Stay-At-Home Mom (With a Job)

I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I plan to be a stay-at-home mom. I think about myself as a stay-at-home mom. And I am one, most of the time. After our daughter was born, I took 11 weeks off work. I started doing some work from home after about 8 weeks - just a few hours here and there - and then returned to part-time work at the 11 week mark. Right now I work two afternoons per week in the office and an additional 5-8 hours from home as time allows and as my job dictates. I like to think of myself as a stay-at-home mom, even though technically I work between 13 and 17 hours each week.

Now, we have been very blessed in that we have not needed child care. Jonathan has been able to be home with our little girl on the afternoons when I am at work, which is great. They get quality time together, I don't have a single worry about her, and it is free. I am also blessed with a great job that is very flexible about my hours and supportive of me cutting back to care for my daughter. I realize that I have been very fortunate and that I could have had to make even tougher decisions about jobs and childcare.

To be honest, if I could afford to not work at all, I probably would choose that route.