The Difference a Year Makes

A year ago today I saw my little girl's heartbeat for the first time on an ultrasound. I was 6 weeks 5 days along in my pregnancy, which means Little Girl was not even 5 weeks old. I can't believe the difference a year makes!

I still remember how nervous and excited I was at that ultrasound. I was hoping that I would get to see that little flickering heart beating, but I didn't know for sure. I hadn't had much in the way of symptoms, and I confess I worried a lot. But as soon as there was an image on the screen I saw that heart beating away. It was magical. 

It is so incredible to think that over the past year that little tiny flickering speck inside me has grown into this beautiful 4 month old baby girl with so much personality! What a blessing, and what a testament to God's goodness and design! Every time our daughter does something new and we see how fast she is learning about her world and growing in her abilities it is awe-inspiring to realize that just a short time ago she was still inside me. 

Sleeping Babies and Narcissistic Parenting

"How is she sleeping? Is she sleeping through the night yet?" I think this is the most frequently asked question I have been asked over the past several months. I am fairly certain that every new parent or parent of a new baby is asked this question countless times during the first months after their little one is born. I was surprised how soon people thought my daughter should be able to sleep through the night. At one month old people were asking me if I was getting any sleep yet, and of course I was not!

How Much Does Money Really Matter?

As I was sitting in my living room, looking around my 2 bedroom apartment, contemplating the past 3.5 years of my life the other day (the time since my wedding), I realized something: the amount of money that I have really doesn't matter. At all. Now, the fact that I have some money and can afford what I need to survive, yes, that matters, but beyond that, it really doesn't. This really was a new revelation for me.

I was sitting there, holding my adorable daughter, reminiscing about our first two years of marriage in our first apartment in Wisconsin. That was a cute apartment! It was sunny, bright, had a great closet or two, and the memories that I have from those days are priceless. So many sleepy Saturday mornings, just the two of us, the sun streaming into our living room/dining room/kitchen, enjoying French toast and coffee together. 

7 Things I Might Have Thought about Parenting Before Becoming a Parent

"People should never complain about being pregnant." "Real women give birth without pain meds." "Parents should never, ever let their baby/small child use a computer or watch TV." "New parents shouldn't complain so much about being tired - we all get tired."

These are all really judgmental statements that I am sad to say have run through my head at some point in my life. In fact, I think all of us have had equally judgey thoughts from time to time. The world is full of people telling each other how to do things. How to do pregnancy, how to TTC, how to give birth, how to care for their babies, and how to raise their kids. I think that most moms are somewhat insecure about their parenting choices, because, let's face it, parenting is very likely the most important thing we'll ever do as parents, and there is really no good way to prepare for it. So my theory is that we take out our own insecurities and our need to feel that we're doing it right on each other - telling each other what works and what doesn't, what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do.

But over the past several years I have been in a lot of different positions, and I feel like I have a lot more perspective on this now. I've tried to conceive, I've dealt with the sadness and uncertainty of infertility, I've gone through the joys and difficulties of pregnancy, I've given birth, and I've managed to survive the first three months of parenting. During this whole process, I've made a lot of friends online and in person who have gone through these different life stages, and I've discovered that all of those judgey thoughts that I've had are silly, pointless, and immature. We all need to just stop it! We need to go easy on one another, and just be supportive and kind.

Here are 7 (somewhat random and disjointed) things that I used to think at one point that I now realize I was wrong about:

New Year, New Focus

I started this blog when I was in the midst of our infertility struggle. I started it as a place to express my emotions, to share my journey with others who might be going through their own struggles, and to keep myself accountable to trust in God, even in the hard times.

I have been blessed to hear from several friends and other individuals who have read this blog, and it warms my heart to hear that our journey has been helpful or uplifting to others as they also learn to trust through their own hard times. If God can use my story to help others, I feel incredibly blessed to be a part of that.

Today things are different. Today I am holding the most precious and sweet 3-month-old baby girl in my arms, and I can't believe I am actually here. Although my infertility story has a happy ending (for now), this is also a time of beginnings. And you know what? I am still working hard on the "learning to trust" thing.

Apparently parenting is difficult! (Why didn't someone warn me? Oh wait, I think everyone did!) Parenting while one parent is in grad school is tricky. Living 500 miles away from family and friends is hard, but once you have a baby it gets much harder! And being married to a future pastor with no idea where you'll be living in a few years, well, if that isn't an exercise in trust, I don't know what is! I am realizing more and more that trusting God is not a skill that I am going to master, but a habit that I have to practice daily to maintain. And there is no way I can do that without God's help.

I honestly don't know where I am going with this blog, but although I have learned a lot and grown a lot of over the past few years, I know there is always more to learn and grow in. I want to continue to write about trusting God through the daily struggles of life. I will probably still write about infertility, because that will always be a part of my story and I feel passionately that we need to talk about it more and be more aware of couples going through it. But I will also start writing about other topics related to faith, family, and trusting God.

That is, if this sweet little girl in my arms gives me time!