Blessings and Paradoxes

Pregnancy is full of paradoxes.

On one hand I cannot remember ever being happier than I am these days. I love our little one more every day, and I feel closer to her with every little kick and movement and with each ultrasound. She is such a sweetheart already! On the other hand I feel uncomfortable all the time. I understand now why women complain about pregnancy. It's just not always fun!

On one hand I want it to be October NOW! I want her to be born and to get to hold her and see her. But on the other hand I feel like there's no way we'll be ready by October. There's so many things we need and so many things to do.

Whenever I feel the urge to complain I try to remember how much I wanted her and what a wonderful blessing she is. And whenever I start feeling impatient I think about how four months is a very definite and short period of time to wait compared to how indefinite and hopeless waiting to conceive can feel. I know I've heard several women say that they didn't like how with pregnancy you never know when the baby is going to come and it makes it so hard to wait. I'm sure there's truth to that, but compared to never knowing if you're even going to have a baby, waiting for a baby to come is nothing. I mean, she will come eventually! I may not know a day, but I can say with confidence, "She'll be here before November." That is not indefinite at all! (I know I may regret saying that when I'm 30-some weeks pregnant and much more uncomfortable than I am now, but it's still true.)

I may not be in a place quite yet where I can honestly thank God for our struggles with infertility. I may get there someday - I don't know. But I am definitely thankful for the perspective our journey has given me and how much it helps me to not take this blessing for granted. I'm not saying that I've been perfect at this, or that I've never in a moment of weakness complained to Jonathan. I have. But I do know that every single discomfort and every day of waiting is 100% worth it, and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this experience.

This is how I know it will all be worth it:

Look at how beautiful she is! I am so in love already!

Despite every discomfort, I am feeling incredibly joyful and incredibly blessed these days. God has been very good to us!

Half Way There!

This past Thursday marked 20 weeks, which I realize isn't technically the half-way point of pregnancy, but it still counts as the honorary half-way mark. I can't believe how fast time flies! I'm sure that this is just the beginning of feeling this way and time will continue to go by faster and faster, but I am so excited to meet our Little One in October. Words cannot describe my excitement and impatience, and I'm sure it will just get worse!

Also this week, we had our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and discovered that Baby is a little GIRL!!! We are both so thrilled! Of course, we would have been very happy either way, but I think just knowing boy or girl makes me feel closer to her. I love being able to say "she" and "her" and I feel like I know her a little bit better now. It was so exciting to see her on the ultrasound too!

Everything is looking great so far, which is so comforting to hear. She was hiding a bit, though, and the ultrasound tech was not able to see everything she needed to see. Her head was deep down in my pelvis and the tech couldn't see her face or brain and only got a limited view of her heart. So I get another ultrasound in three weeks when I go back for my next appointment. But I'm not worried - there was no indication that anything was abnormal; they just couldn't get a look at everything they like to see. So hopefully Little Girl will show us her beautiful  face at the next appointment. I wonder if she's stubborn, or just shy!

Obviously we weren't able to get great pictures with her hiding like that, but here is the best one we got:

She was measuring on schedule - they couldn't get a length but she was approximately 10 ounces and her heartbeat was 144 bpm. I know she may just look like a baby to the rest of the world, but I think she's absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to meet her! 

Jonathan and I went out today to buy her something cute and pink. It turns out that I am very picky when it comes to shopping for my daughter. (Anyone who has shopped with me shouldn't be surprised - I'm really picky about my own clothes, too!) There are so many tacky, ugly, or just not cute enough clothes out there. All I want is for my daughter to have adorable, comfortable, classy clothes with no tacky messages or cartoon characters. I know I'll find enough clothes for her eventually, though. I just have to keep looking! Here are some cute onesies we did find:

Aren't they sweet? I can't wait to meet my daughter in about 4.5 months! I am feeling incredibly blessed today.

Mother's Day

Today on Mother's Day I just want to take a minute to acknowledge all the women out there for whom this day is especially difficult. I know last year Mother's Day was a very hard day for me, and I know that for many others, Mother's Day can be much, much harder.

Last year Mother's Day came right after the 1 year of TTC mark. It was a hard time, because I knew that having a baby was not happening for us the way it was supposed to, but at that point I had no answers and no idea if it would ever happen, how it would happen, or how long I would have to wait. I know that this year would have been even harder for me if it weren't for our miracle little one that we are expecting.

But some women have been through so much more than I have, and I know my experience is only a taste of what they have been through. Some have lost babies, before or after their birth, and some have been trying or struggling with infertility for many years. There are many reasons why Mother's Day can be a hard day for many women, and I just want to acknowledge that. There is very little that we can do to make this day easier, but for those of us who have been blessed with children, just acknowledging how blessed we are to be mothers does help somewhat. Never take the gift of parenthood for granted.



Since it is Mother's Day today, I also want to acknowledge and thank God for my wonderful mother, who has been an immeasurable blessing in my life. I think about what a wonderful example she has set for me, how much time and energy she poured into raising me, and how she is still to this day always there for me, even when we are hundreds of miles apart. I remember when I was a pre-teen and young teenager living in the fear that I would turn into my mother. Now, I pray that I do. I hope that I can be even close to as good of a mother as my mom is. Mom, I love you!

14 Weeks

I entered the 2nd trimester on Thursday! I can't express how relieved and how much better I feel to be past that 14 week mark. Today I am 14 weeks, 4 days, and I am loving being pregnant! I mean... sure it's uncomfortable sometimes and I'm tired a lot, but I have never been happier or more excited about the future.

On Saturday Jonathan and I were at the mall, and we went to look at the baby things in the department store together for the first time. Oh. My. Goodness. Baby clothes are so very cute! We were hoping to find something adorable and gender-neutral that we could buy the baby, but we didn't see a single item of clothing we thought was truly gender neutral. They were all either too feminine for HIS son, or not adorable enough for our daughter. I am more excited and anxious than ever to find out if we're having a girl or a boy now, so that I can run back to the store and buy something adorable for him/her.

(On an only slightly related note - what is up with the baby outfits that have little smarty sayings on them? Do parents really think it is cute to brag about how attractive they are, how much their kid loves them, etc. by putting messages on their baby? Or maybe I just don't understand. I can't help thinking that clothes with messages on them are tacky, but then that could just be me. I don't have any message T's myself, so that could just be my own style preference. I do feel like it's especially awkward when it's on a baby though, since they so clearly didn't pick it out themselves!)

I have a confession to make - although I've known that I am pregnant for close to three months now, I've still had to work hard at trusting God. My blog is called "Learning to Trust" for a reason, and it is not time to re-name it yet. It is such a process, and I know that it is something that I will be working on my whole life. Even after I found out that God had answered my every prayer and blessed me in this incredible way, I still worried. I worried that something would go wrong, or that the baby wouldn't make it. I felt that it was too good to be true, and I waited for the catch. It was very hard to go in a day or so from feeling that this would never happen to knowing that it had. Now that I'm through the first trimester, it is obviously easier for me to not worry and to trust God that everything will be okay.

I am so glad that God is forgiving, always there for me, and full of grace. I know that throughout life there will always be opportunities to grow in my ability to trust Him. I know I'll never get there, but hopefully with His help, I'll continue to get closer.

You Are Not Alone

There is a reason that I have chosen to share my blog on my Facebook (which as far as I'm concerned, is basically making it public). I tend to be a very private person, and I do not typically share my personal life with those who are not very close family or friends. And even then, I tend to try to hold my emotions in check. I still feel a little uneasy sometimes about how open and vulnerable some of my past posts might be. But this, my struggles with infertility, I really thought needed to be shared. 

I think one of the things that made the past few years so hard for me is how completely unexpected having trouble getting pregnant was to me. I had never really heard about or from couples who struggled to get pregnant, and I understand why. Infertility is usually a very private struggle, and people usually do not feel comfortable talking about it. I know I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I didn't for the most part. I had one or two friends that I talked to, and a supportive group of online friends, but for a long time I didn't share with my family or most of my friends. Life went on around me, people announced pregnancies, people made comments about babies around us, no one intentionally said anything to hurt me, but it is impossibly hard to be going through something like infertility and know that no one has a clue what you are feeling or how comments, pregnancy announcements, and other completely normal events for everyone else affect you. 

Infertility affects at least 1 in 10 couples. I have heard 1 in 7 before too, but even supposing it's just 1 in 10, that's A LOT! And it's not only couples who waited until they were in their 30s to have kids; we are in our early 20s, and we both have fertility issues. 

I felt that it was very important to share my story, because I know that if the statistics speak the truth, many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances must be dealing with this, probably in silence. If you struggled to get pregnant, are struggling, or even if you're still in that first year of trying and are realizing that it can take month after painful, frustrating month of trying and waiting, I just want you to know that you're not alone! If you ever need anyone to talk to who has been there or understands, I am always available. 

I know that I have been blessed with a wonderful gift to be expecting our Baby, and I treasure and savor every minute of this pregnancy that I waited so long for. One of the things that is so hard for those struggling for infertility to listen to is pregnant women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I understand a little better - pregnancy can be pretty uncomfortable. (And I know all women who have ever been pregnant realize that is a major understatement!) But I still remember what it was like to see or hear pregnancy complaints, and to think that I would give anything in the world to feel that miserable and be pregnant. So I do my best to remember that feeling now. Every time I feel awful from morning sickness, sheer exhaustion, or whatever else, it reminds me of how much I wanted to feel this way, and how many times I begged God to allow me to feel this way. I am beyond grateful to have this wonderful blessing and opportunity. But I do want anyone out there who hasn't gotten their miracle yet and who is struggling through the pain of infertility to know that I know how that feels and that they are not alone.