7 Things I Might Have Thought about Parenting Before Becoming a Parent

"People should never complain about being pregnant." "Real women give birth without pain meds." "Parents should never, ever let their baby/small child use a computer or watch TV." "New parents shouldn't complain so much about being tired - we all get tired."

These are all really judgmental statements that I am sad to say have run through my head at some point in my life. In fact, I think all of us have had equally judgey thoughts from time to time. The world is full of people telling each other how to do things. How to do pregnancy, how to TTC, how to give birth, how to care for their babies, and how to raise their kids. I think that most moms are somewhat insecure about their parenting choices, because, let's face it, parenting is very likely the most important thing we'll ever do as parents, and there is really no good way to prepare for it. So my theory is that we take out our own insecurities and our need to feel that we're doing it right on each other - telling each other what works and what doesn't, what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do.

But over the past several years I have been in a lot of different positions, and I feel like I have a lot more perspective on this now. I've tried to conceive, I've dealt with the sadness and uncertainty of infertility, I've gone through the joys and difficulties of pregnancy, I've given birth, and I've managed to survive the first three months of parenting. During this whole process, I've made a lot of friends online and in person who have gone through these different life stages, and I've discovered that all of those judgey thoughts that I've had are silly, pointless, and immature. We all need to just stop it! We need to go easy on one another, and just be supportive and kind.

Here are 7 (somewhat random and disjointed) things that I used to think at one point that I now realize I was wrong about:

1. People should never complain about being pregnant. I felt this way when I was TTC and going through infertility. Nothing hurts more than hearing, especially on Facebook, a women who has everything that you think you ever wanted complaining about it. I still feel this way, and I know that women who have been through infertility understand this, but you know what? Some people have been blessed with no miscarriages and have an easy time getting pregnant. It isn't fair to hold them responsible for our hurt or pain. And now that I've gone through pregnancy, I realize that sometimes you do need to let it out and complain a little. Pregnancy is super uncomfortable and not easy! Now, it would be nice if you didn't complain in front of your infertile friends, but it's okay to find a safe place or person to share with and let it out! 
2. Natural childbirth is vastly superior to any kind of interventions whatsoever.  You know what, I am very happy that I was able to give birth all naturally without an epidural. I know that that was healthy for me and my baby. What a blessing! And I still don't really love the idea of elective C Sections or inductions, but you know what? When you are in labor, an epidural sounds like a really great idea. I think that most women who have babies forget the extent of the pain after the birth. That's why we're willing to have more children! So I'm just going to say that unless you are currently in active labor with contractions that have you screaming and that you can't stand through, you just shouldn't suggest that anyone is less of a woman for taking an epidural. 
3. Isn't that rather a lot of baby pictures for Facebook? Yes, yes it is. But my baby is so, so, so cute! I just can't resist! I don't think it ever bothered me, but I didn't really understand the urge to post daily pictures of babies on Facebook. That is, until I had my own baby. She is by far the cutest, most beautiful baby I have ever seen, and her grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. all live 500 miles away. So yeah, I post a lot of pictures on Facebook. I understand that this can be especially hard for people who are TTC or dealing with infertility. I remember wanting to cry scrolling through my newsfeed on some days. So I'm going to say this. Please don't judge parents for showing off their adorable kids. They can't help it. And please, don't feel at all bad about blocking them from your newsfeed if you have to. If you need to, just do it! Guilt free. 
4. Babies should never, ever, ever watch TV or be exposed to much screen time. I believe the baby books and my pediatrician told me this, that kids should have no screen time before they are two and then only half an hour a day. I try really hard to keep my baby girl from watching TV, but she cranes her neck like crazy trying to see it. It is almost impossible to keep her from watching TV if I want to watch any. It's also really hard to get anything done during the day, and so I understand the temptation to set a kid down in front of a TV and take a half hour to make dinner. I have no idea what I'm going to do about this myself yet, but I certainly won't be judging other parents on this one, at least until I figure it out myself! 
5. Breastfeeding in church? Really? I used to be much more conservative with my ideas of where it was or was not acceptable to breastfeed. Now that I'm a breastfeeding mom, I just do it, no matter where I am. You know, on some weeks it's either breastfeed for a few minutes in the pew or miss the sermon. Granted I always think about if someone is sitting behind me and make sure that I'm modest, but you know what? My baby is hungry, and I want to be in church. And that's fine. Never look down on a woman for wanting to feed her baby without missing out on life. (This one applies to other places as well - I just used church as an example because it was the place I was least comfortable with breastfeeding in for the longest time.)
6. You're formula feeding? Did you really try to breastfeed? You know... breast milk is best! Everyone knows the science on breast milk these days. Everyone knows. And yes, there are some moms out there who formula feed for the wrong reasons, but there's no way for me to know who those people are. I know I was blessed, and breastfeeding came very easily to me, but before my baby was born, I was so scared about what would happen if I couldn't breastfeed or had trouble. Most of the time, women who are formula feeding did try very hard to breastfeed and ran into snafus. I know that I really strongly want what is best for my baby and I am sure that other mothers feel the same way. If they're formula feeding, they probably have a good reason. So let's not judge. Relax. The baby is getting fed, and we all know how awful it is to feel guilty about how we're taking care of our babies. My understanding is that a generation ago there was a stigma associated with breastfeeding, but today I feel like we have reversed that, and now we stigmatize formula feeding. How about we just do away with stigmas altogether? How about each parent just work on their own with their partner to provide the best nourishment they can for their baby? Let's stop trying to make other people feel bad for their (sometimes very difficult) choices. 
7. You fell asleep with your baby? You let your baby sleep in bed with you? Don't you know that's dangerous?! Yeah... I was never that judgmental toward people who co-sleep or bed share, because I know that most of the accidents that have been reported when people sleep with their infants happened when the parent was intoxicated. But this is one that a lot of people get worked up over. I decided before my baby was born that I was not going to share a bed with my baby, just because I was nervous about it and didn't want them to suffocate in the blankets or anything like that. I also tried for the first week or two after my baby was born to not fall asleep while holding the baby. That did not last! When you've been up every hour and a half since 9pm with a baby and you're up again at 4am nursing, if you don't fall asleep you must be superhuman. I understand why people co-sleep, bed-share, allow themselves to fall asleep while holding their baby, etc. You have to do what you have to do, and you know yourself, you know your sleeping habits, and you know if it's safe for you and your baby. So I'm not going to judge. Take care of yourself, take care of your kid, and I'll do the same. 

I could certainly keep going. The point is, parenting is hard. Getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, taking care of a baby, these are all very difficult things to do, and there are at least a million decisions involved in each stage. Let's agree that none of us have all the answers and just support each other in our different journeys. Everyone's story is different, everyone's kid is different, and so everyone's choices will be a bit different. And that's okay. I'm not trying to be a moral relativist here, I'm just saying that I have learned over the past few years that things are never as simple as they seem once you actually get there and experience them for yourself.

This is my daughter straining to watch the TV, despite my best efforts to distract her!