A Tale of Four Octobers

October 2011

This is my last semester of real college classes. Next semester I student teach. I am focusing on senior seminar, classes, and helping my husband fill out seminary applications. And yet, although only a few people know this, all I can think about is having a baby. Each month the disappointment feels just a little stronger. Each month I spend part of that day that dashes all my hopes in tears.

We have been trying for almost six months now. It wasn't in the original plan to have a baby so soon, but the more we talk about it as a couple, the more convicted we are that using birth control is not right for us and is not trusting God with our future. And then somehow "not preventing" turned into "trying" and now we're approaching the six month mark and I'm beginning to worry.

Some of my friends and acquaintances who got married when we did are pregnant now. Most of them weren't even trying, which stings a little. We're young, and this is supposed to be easy. I've read the statistics that say that 80% of women my age get pregnant within the first six months of trying. 7-10% deal with infertility. The numbers are starting to look concerning as we hit that six month mark this month, but my husband isn't worried yet. I am determined to follow his lead and stay positive. It's going to happen any month now.

October 2012

We moved to St. Louis two months ago. Jonathan is very busy with seminary classes and I am enjoying my new job. When we moved into our new, two-bedroom apartment we made the second bedroom the study. After unpacking the room I walked into it and cried. Every time I go in there I think about how it is supposed to be a nursery.

After all most 18 months of trying to conceive, we have officially been diagnosed with infertility. We have consulted our doctors and tried a few things, but really have no idea why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. This wasn't my plan. This room was supposed to be a nursery. Will it ever be one?

I no longer cry every month when disappointment strikes. I don't cry because I don't expect anything else. Even so, I have been feeling more positive lately. Opening up about our struggles was a good first step, and scheduling an appointment with a fertility clinic for later this month was another positive move. I am hopeful that we will be able to make a plan with this new doctor and maybe have a little one soon. 

October 2013

This is the month! This. Month. Our daughter will be born this month! Everything is prepared. The crib is up, the baby clothes are washed, folded, and put away, the changing table is stocked, the car seat is installed, and my hospital bag is packed and in the hallway, complete with a last minute checklist of things to grab before we leave so that no one will have to "think"  when the moment comes. I am ready! 

But I'm not ready... What if I don't have the natural birth I want? What if I can't breastfeed? What if I forget to feed or change my baby (I keep having nightmares where this happens)? What if she doesn't like me? What if she isn't cute?!?! Okay, now I'm just being silly... Calm down, crazy, hormonal, pregnant me. 

She will be here before I know it, but why does time go so slow? 

I have never been happier! Life holds so much joy and promise. God is so good!

I'm ready for her to be here already! When will she get here? I ask myself this question every day, but so help me... nobody else better ask me that! 

October 2014

So I have to plan a Chicka Chicka Boom Boom themed birthday party... Wait, a first birthday party?! Where has the time gone? There is no way I should be planning one of these already! My baby girl is growing up too fast!

This last year I have learned so much and unlearned so much. I have done so many things that I was sure I would never do. I have changed my mind on more topics than I can remember ever changing my mind on before. There have been some surprising struggles, but so many unexpected joys. 

I have loved getting to know my daughter and getting to watch her grow and learn each and every day. I have been covetous of time with her, keeping her with me almost constantly for a year now. Because even when she is exhausting, she is sweet beyond belief, and she is my little one. Mine to love, care for, teach, spend time with, and enjoy.

I have loved sharing her with my husband and watching him become the best father I could imagine for our sweetie. Not only have I gotten to know my daughter this year, but I have gotten to know my husband better as well. We have truly been blessed to become parents together.

This little lady who I am honored to call my daughter is the most beautiful, fun, exciting, and challenging little companion. I love her more every day and I can't wait for the year to come!