Baptized into Christ

Charis was baptized this past Sunday, November 24th. What a beautiful, miraculous moment that was! 

Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14) We believe that in the waters of baptism God sent his Holy Spirit to work faith in Charis' heart so that she can have a saving faith and relationship with her heavenly Father even before she is old enough to understand what that means. After all, we all have flawed understanding and none of us can do anything to participate in our salvation. It is indeed a wonderful blessing that God promises to be with us from the moment of our baptism on, giving us confidence in our salvation in a way that we could never be confident if having faith was "up to us" or something we had to do. 

I have been looking forward to the moment Charis would be baptized since before I knew I was expecting her. Baptisms are such powerful events that I have always teared up when seeing infants baptized in church - I couldn't wait to share that moment with my own children and start on that path of helping my child discover their faith and learn about God. 

Jonathan and I are both very excited about teaching Charis about God and what Jesus has done for her, and reminding her of God's gifts and promises to her in her baptism as she grows older. As we talked about baptism and how we hope to raise Charis and any future children, we both agreed that we hope to make a big deal about our children's baptismal birthdays. After all, baptism is a big deal and should be celebrated! One's baptismal birthday is in many ways more significant than one's actual birthday. On her birthday Charis was born into a sinful world already a sinner, already separated from God for all eternity. The only hope for her was Jesus Christ and the fact that He came and died and rose for her that she could live with Him for all eternity. In her baptism, Charis died to her old sinful self and was re-born into Christ. Still a sinner, but also a saint, also one who is redeemed and one with a saving faith in Jesus and what he has done for her. We were all designed to be in a relationship with God. On her baptismal birthday Charis was born into who she was designed to be. That is worth celebrating! 

As we were talking about the ways we might celebrate or commemorate our children's baptismal birthdays, we discussed whether it would be a good occasion to mark with presents. The two best days in a kid's life tend to be Christmas and their birthday, because on these days they get presents! Presents seem to be the way our culture marks days and holidays as significant and important. I thought about giving presents for baptismal birthdays, but not only does that not seem practical (and honestly the thought of another day of the year to bring stuff into my home makes me cringe - I'm already somewhat dreading the takeover of stuff and toys that will probably mark the next era of my life if I'm not careful), but it also doesn't seem right to me that presents and acquiring more material possessions are necessary to mark a day as special. That's not how I want to raise my kids. Don't get me wrong, I do love to get presents on my birthday, and I love presents at Christmas, but that's plenty! 

After some consideration, we came up with an alternative to presents that will hopefully help us mark these days as special. We are thinking of celebrating baptismal birthdays with family outings or other fun, family events. Something like a trip to the zoo, putt putt golfing, laser tag, going to a movie, or another fun activity that the whole family can enjoy and that will still be something we do not always have the opportunity to do. I know we have a while to figure these things out, but it's good to start thinking ahead. And of course, we will both strive to remind Charis of her baptism daily, not just once a year. After all, no other day in her life will ever be more significant. 

Praise God for all His blessings to us and our little girl! 

Birth Story

I went back and forth many times about posting this. I struggled with whether or not sharing my birth story was "over-sharing" or not. It doesn't get much more personal than giving birth, and I have always been somewhat uncomfortable with talking about personal things. But at the same time I love reading other women's birth stories. Having a baby is one of the most significant, special moments in a person's life, and of course I would want to share that. Also, I find reading others' birth stories to be beautiful, so I assume that some people out there feel the same way.

Looking back on the day my daughter was born, it was both the hardest and the best day of my life. How is that possible? Well, anyone who has had a baby will probably understand. At the time I was going through pregnancy and labor I didn't want to share any details with hardly anyone - it was just too personal. But now that it's in the past, I feel more comfortable with it. So I decided to post a "cleaned up" version of my story. I left out many of the more graphic details, but I still caution you - if you're uncomfortable with birth stories, obviously you should skip reading this post.

My Daughter's Birth Story

Saturday, October 19^th

I worked my full 9-hour day on Friday, but wrapped up everything I had going on at work, hoping that it would be my last day in the office. I was feeling pretty good, so I told my co-workers that I was planning not to be back the next week, but if I still felt this good, I might come in on Monday and Tuesday. I had an appointment on Wednesday, so I was planning not to work that day or from that point on.

I was having contractions throughout the day on Saturday, but they were not painful, so I thought they were still just pre-labor contractions like I had been having off and on for weeks. These were a little stronger though, and were accompanied sometimes by cramps, which was new. I was feeling so poorly by the evening that we weren’t sure if we would make it to church on Sunday.

Sunday, October 20^th

I woke up in the morning around 1:30am with stronger contractions than I had felt before. And the crampy feelings were getting very painful. I watched the clock as I lay in bed, and after about 40 minutes I realized that I couldn’t sleep through these, and they were coming only five minutes apart or so. They weren’t consistent, but the longest interval in that time frame was seven minutes. I woke up Jonathan and told him what was going on. After we timed them for another half hour or so, he convinced me to call my doctor and ask about them, since they had been coming five minutes apart for over an hour. I called the exchange, and they connected me with my OB, who was fortunately on call. She said to keep timing them, and if they got stronger and were consistent for a while longer, I could go to the hospital. We tried to sleep some more, but I couldn’t sleep through them at all, and they were getting more painful. I got in the shower and they sped up to two to three minutes apart and continued to get more painful. We ended up going to the hospital around 6am.

When we got to the hospital we went to triaging and they monitored the baby for a while. She was doing really well, and when I was checked I was three centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. They told me I could walk around for an hour and they would re-check me at 7:30. We walked around between contractions, with me leaning on the wall and waiting for each one to pass while Jonathan rubbed my back. I was feeling them in my lower back the entire time. When they re-checked me, they said I was four centimeters, and they admitted us and moved us to a Labor and Delivery room.

While in the triaging room I found out that I had tested positive for GBS. My doctor must have forgotten to mention that to me, and I must have forgotten to ask about it, because I didn’t know until the nurse said that it was in my chart. That meant that I would have to have antibiotics during labor, which had to be administered through an IV. I had really hoped to avoid an IV, so I was very disappointed, and also frustrated with myself for forgetting to follow up and ask about the results to that test. Fortunately, because of my penicillin allergy, they had to give me a different drug than the one usually administered, and the one they gave me only had to be given every eight hours during labor, as opposed to every four hours with the standard drug. They allowed me to do intermittent monitoring and administered the antibiotic during the first round of monitoring so that I would be able to disconnect the IV and move around as soon as it was administered.

While getting my IV, the anesthesiologist stopped in to see me. I was planning to go all natural, but he came anyway to talk about options just in case I changed my mind. As a young teenager I had back surgery to correct Scoliosis, and I have a long spinal fusion and rods in my back. I showed the anesthesiologist my x-rays and after looking at them for a few minutes he said that he would not give me an epidural. With how low my rods extended and all the scar tissue that was there, he thought it very likely that it would not work, or that there would be complications. He said that if I ended up needing an emergency C-section, he would attempt to do a spinal, but if that didn’t work it would have to be general anesthesia. At this point it didn’t bother me too much to know that I couldn’t have an epidural, because I had been planning to go without anyway.

We alternated between walking around the hospital and using the exercise ball for hours as the contractions kept coming. They were still coming around 3 minutes or so apart at this point and were very consistent. Around 1pm my doctor arrived and checked me. She said I was still only four centimeters. She wanted to start pitocin to help get things going, but I told her that I would not be able to have an epidural and was therefore afraid of the stronger, more painful contractions that I heard accompany pitocin. She agreed that in that case she would not recommend that route, and said that my other option was to go home. She said the contractions were not strong or painful enough to dilate all the way and that they might peter off or they might get stronger, but at this point they weren't strong enough for me to stay in the hospital if I wasn't progressing.

I went home. We got home around 2:30pm and I laid down with a heating pad and tried to take a nap. I may have gotten an hour or two of sleep in between the contractions. They slowed down to every 20 minutes or so, but never went away. I didn't know if our baby girl would still be born soon, or if the contractions would stop and I’d have to wait for days longer. It was stressful, and on top of that my doctor had told me that the contractions would have to be much, much more painful, which was scary since I was already in so much pain with each one.

Jonathan and I tried to go to bed Sunday night, but by 11:30pm the contractions were coming every 5 minutes again and I knew for sure that this was different. They were so much more painful than they had been earlier that day that I couldn't keep from crying out with each one. I tried getting in the shower, but they were so painful and coming so close together that the shower did nothing to alleviate the pain. I could barely stand up through them anymore.

Jonathan quickly re-packed the car and we went back to the hospital. We were admitted again just a few minutes after midnight.

Monday, October 21^st

When we were admitted I was five centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. I spent the next two or three hours on a birthing ball, with my head resting on the bed between contractions. I was so tired I could hardly think, and the contractions were so much more painful than they had been earlier in the day. They were coming so close together that I felt like I didn’t get much of a  break between each one. Jonathan sat there behind me the whole time rubbing my back and saying encouraging things. I didn’t have energy to acknowledge him, but having him there was very comforting. My water broke sometime around 2am. Around 3am or so my nurse checked me again and I was seven centimeters. I was glad to be making progress, but I didn’t know how I could possibly survive at this rate until we got to ten. I don’t know what would have happened if an epidural had been an option for me – I might very well have asked for one at some point. I hope I would have resisted the temptation, but I can't say that I would have with any confidence. They did offer to give me other pain medication through an IV, but I asked if there were side effects for the baby, and they said it would make her sleepy. I said I would see if I could go without, and I’m glad I didn’t give in, but I seriously considered it.

At this point my nurse suggested I get in the shower. I’m so glad she was there to make me do it, because it helped a lot. It didn’t really help with the pain, but I went from seven to ten in about an hour and a half or so in the shower. At that point I felt the urge to push, so I got out of the shower and went back to the bed. The nurse never told me not to push, she said I could go right ahead and she got on the phone and got everyone in the room as fast as she could. Thankfully, I only had to push for 45 minutes or so. My doctor got there about five to ten minutes before our daughter was born.

Those 5½ hours from midnight to 5:30am were easily the hardest hours of my life. Jonathan and my nurse kept reassuring me that I was doing really well, that my daughter would be here any minute, and that they could see her head, etc. I don’t think I processed any of that. I hardly knew what I was doing. But Jonathan tells me that the second that she was born it was like a switch was flipped – my face changed from one expressing sheer pain to the happiest he’d ever seen me. I think my first joyful thought on seeing her was she’s out; that means I’m not in labor anymore! Thank God, I’m done!  But instantly following that thought I really saw her, and she was so beautiful, so perfect, even all slimy and messy. They wiped her off quickly and gave her to me and I was able to hold her for the next hour and a half or so. I hardly noticed what happened next, because I had my beautiful daughter in my arms. She had so much dark hair, and she looked so much like Jonathan! We were both in love instantly.

After they were done stitching me up, the nurse helped me get her into position and start breastfeeding. She did very well at that, and I fed her for 30 minutes or so. They let me hold her while they gave her her shot and eye ointment, and she did so well with all of that. Eventually they took her and gave her a bath, but I could still see her from my bed and watched. One of the most amazing things was that while she was crying during the bath, if Jonathan or I talked to her she calmed down right away. It was so obvious that she knew our voices.

Our daughter was born at 5:36am, 6lbs, 1oz, and absolutely beautiful after over 27 hours of completely natural, medication-free labor. I can't take credit for any of that, though. She is a beautiful, miraculous gift from God, and the fact that I made it through those 27 hours on only a few hours of sleep - I can only thank God that I survived that as well.

I also have to be thankful in a strange way for my back surgery and for the anesthesiologist who refused to give me an epidural. Having that option off the table helped me resist the temptation to take the pitocin when my doctor suggested it. Clearly I didn't need it, as I gave birth all on my own about 14 hours after it was offered.  I really did want to go all-natural, and considering how very hard it was, I'm glad that it was really my only option because I very well might have had a much different, more complicated story otherwise. God really does know what He is doing!

Due Dates and Frequently Asked Questions

I made it to my due date! Jonathan and I are very excited to meet our little girl very, very soon! It's a little hard to wait, not knowing exactly when she'll get here, but I do know for sure that it will be soon. I am 99% sure she'll be here sometime in the next two weeks, and I will finally get to hold her and see her face, and see the look on Jonathan's face when he holds her for the first time. I've honestly never been so excited for anything in my life, and sure, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impatient. But I'm working to maintain perspective here. I've been waiting for this little girl for three years, most of that time not knowing if or when she would ever come. And I've been waiting for her knowing that she would come for almost nine months. So waiting for one or two more weeks, being absolutely certain that she will show up any day - not that hard in the grand scheme of things. It will happen!

As anyone who has ever been pregnant knows, in the month before (and for 50% of women days after) your due date, you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again. So I thought I'd do an FAQ blog post, and answer all those questions in one swing.

Q: When is the baby coming? Do you think she'll be here soon?

A: I don't know. How would I know? I found this great website though, with what looks like a very objective, scientific and statistically significant study on when babies usually come. Check out the whole site for more fascinating statistics on when babies come, but here is a page bookmarked with my due date and odds of having a baby in the coming days.

When Will Baby Petzold Come?

Note that there is a 56% chance of her coming within the next week, but that does mean that there's a pretty high chance that she'll take even longer than that. 

Q: How do you feel?/When do you feel like she'll be born?

A: I feel great, normal, and not that tired or uncomfortable. I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks. What a blessing! I've had a really easy pregnancy, and I can't complain at all. I don't feel anything that makes me thing she'll be born any time soon, but that doesn't mean she couldn't come any time! I hope she does come soon! I can't wait to meet her! 

Q: How long will "they" let you go before they induce?

A: Whoever this "they" is, I'm not going to be induced unless I think it's medically necessary. And that will have nothing to do with the date on the calendar. That's just how I feel about it. My doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced and I said no, so she said that was fine, and we didn't have to schedule an induction. I had a non-stress test yesterday, and she is doing very, very well in there. She passed the test with flying colors, and there is no reason to worry about anything at this point. I have another appointment next Wednesday, and we'll just keep waiting until either A. she comes on her own, or B. something serious happens that makes it medically necessary to do something different. We're praying for option A, obviously! She's still growing, her heartbeat is great, and both she and I are doing really well, so if she wants to wait another few weeks, that's her choice. :) 

Q: Are you ready?

A: This question has two possible meanings, so I'll answer them separately. 

Do you mean am I ready practically speaking? Yes! Do you know me? I'm Christa. I've been ready since 37 weeks, you know, just to be safe! The crib is set up, the car seat is installed, all her clothes and blankets are clean and neatly folded in her dresser. Her closet is organized. We have a mountain of diapers in various sizes and everything I can think of that we need. Of course, I'm sure something will come up that we didn't expect, but we're prepared for that to happen. (And I might add... all the tiny pink clothes are adorable, and I can't wait for her to get here so she can see them and use all her cute things! I know she won't appreciate them as much as I do... but that doesn't matter!) We're also stocked up on groceries, the apartment is pretty clean, and I've been trying to keep up on laundry. We're in good shape here! 

Or did you mean am I ready to be a parent and take care of an infant and have my life change in one of the most significant ways it ever will? Well, probably not entirely, but I feel like we're as ready as anyone is. I have been waiting and daydreaming about this day for three years at least, probably more. And I know there's no way to really be ready for something this big, something this significant, or something this important. But I feel like I'm as ready as I'll ever be! 

Also, even though people don't usually ask me, Jonathan is really ready too! He is every bit as excited as I am, and it's so much fun to be excited with him! He told me today that every time his phone rings he gets really excited because he hopes it might be me and his daughter might be coming. Aww! :) I absolutely cannot wait to see him with her! 

Q: We want a picture! 

A: Okay, fine. :)

And the inevitable follow-up question/comment I always get when I tell people when I'm due or how far along I am...

Q: You look so small! You don't look like you're 40 weeks pregnant! 

A: Yes, yes I know. (And that's not a question!) I've been measuring small my entire pregnancy. I blame my short torso somehow. Do not worry; Baby is measuring just fine and growing consistently! And I don't feel that small, so... 

If you have a question that you don't see answered here there are two possibilities. Either it's too personal, and I wouldn't have answered it anyway, or I didn't think of it and I'm sorry! But hopefully this is enough of an update to keep all my wonderful and excited friends and family happy while they wait with us for the next day or two or five or ten or...

I love you all!

30 Weeks

As of Thursday this past week, I'm officially 30 weeks pregnant.

Taken at 29 weeks.

On many days I still can't believe this is happening for me. How can such a wonderful blessing really be mine? How is it possible that two months from now I could be holding my daughter in my arms? How can God be so good and loving and gracious to me?

I feel her move regularly now, often throughout the day. I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel like she's already developing so much personality! Sometimes I think I feel her foot (or some appendage) pressed up against my side, but when I feel it she immediately pulls it away. She's so sneaky! Every move she makes in there feels adorable to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I already know she's cute because her little movements feel so precious and sweet!

I already love her so much and I just wish there was more I could do for her right now. I know that she's just in there growing, and there's not a lot I can do for her beyond eating well, resting, and waiting for her to be ready to come out, but I just feel like that isn't enough. I feel the need to get everything ready and have it all together before she gets here. Hopefully I can do that! But there is still so much that needs to be done. I need to pick a pediatrician, we need to get her furniture and get the rooms rearranged. There just feels like there's so much to do!

And yet I'm sitting here on a Saturday and I can't call pediatricians because they're all closed on weekends, and we don't have any furniture yet so I can't arrange that... I'm just sitting here, waiting. I definitely feel the urge to nest, but there's nothing I can do today. So I'm just sitting here, feeling her move around in there, waiting...

But as I sit here waiting, I feel so very blessed. God has been so incredibly good to me. I know how much I struggled to understand why before I got pregnant. And I know that I didn't always trust God to answer my prayers. I didn't know if he would give me this incredible gift or not. And I still don't know why. I don't know why we struggled, and I don't know why our prayers were answered. I don't know why I have been blessed in this way while others continue to wait. I know that life is never fair. But today, I am so happy. Today I feel my daughter moving, kicking, poking and prodding at me, and I can't stop thinking of this verse:

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me the desires of my heart." ~ 1 Samuel 1:27

Words fail me. How can I ever express how grateful I am, or how incredibly blessed I feel?

Ask, Seek, Knock

This Sunday in church the gospel reading was Luke 11:1-13. As we read it in church, and during the sermon, I got to thinking a lot about this passage, especially the verses about "Ask and it will be given to you." I feel like this passage has always been hard for me to understand, so I thought I'd take a minute to explore it here.

 Luke 11:1-13

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” ² And he said to them,“When you pray, say:“Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come.³ Give us each day our daily bread,⁴ and forgive us our sins,    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.And lead us not into temptation.”⁵ And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, ⁶ for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? ⁸ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. ⁹ And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; ¹² or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

This passage is all about prayer and persistence in prayer.  I know that during our journey through infertility (and even before that in other areas of life) I have been absolutely perplexed by passages like this. I feel like I grew up just hearing verses 9 and 10 in isolation from the rest of the passage and they never made any sense. It sure sounded to me like God would give me anything I asked for. If you add in verses 5-8, it makes it sound like you can wear God down by persistent prayer. Like if you annoy Him enough He will give you whatever you want just to get you to shut up. I never really understood that.

Everyone has heard some variation of this concept - "God always answers prayer one way or another. He either says 'yes,' 'no,' or 'later.'" I never really understood why people said this. Is that supposed to be reassuring? I suppose the intent is to communicate that God always hears every prayer, regardless of whether or not He gives you specifically what you prayed for. And it is important to trust that God knows best and not try to determine for yourself exactly what way in which you expect God to answer your prayer. But the really hard thing about prayer, especially when you feel that your prayers are not being answered, is that at the time and in the moment, there is no way to tell the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "later." How are we supposed to know that? All too often we pray and we pray and we pray for the one thing that we want more than anything else, and all we hear is the absence of that yes that we are waiting for. If we knew for sure that God was saying, "later" it would be much easier to wait! But then we wouldn't have to trust Him.

I think this passage is easier to understand when taken in context. If we look at the beginning, the disciples came to Jesus and asked Him to teach them to pray. Jesus proceeded with the Lord's Prayer, which we all know so well that we sometimes forget to look at it and what Jesus is really teaching here. Jesus doesn't say that we should start with the thing we want most and repeatedly ask God for it over and over and over until we get it (or until we give up and decide that God isn't listening and doesn't care about us). There is so much packed into this prayer that we could really dig in all day, but just looking at two things for now, Jesus prays, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (I realize that this isn't in this particular recounting, but it is in Matthew's account.) And then He goes on, "Give us this day our daily bread." This is praying for just our bare needs - not what we want more than anything, but what we need. Not "Give us this day cake, ice cream, and all things delicious."

In verse 8 this is reiterated, "Because of his impudence, he will rise up and give him whatever he needs." Not whatever he desires. Whatever he needs. Now we get to, "And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened." And look at the end of the passage - this is the best part. "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This is wonderfully reassuring. It speaks of God's love for us. If we know how to give good things to our earthly children, how very much more God must love us! And the Holy Spirit, which creates saving faith in our hearts, is the ultimate gift that God can give. Surely God loves us very much indeed, and does wish to answer our prayers and give us good gifts. But what He really wants is to give us the greatest gift of all - the gift that Christ died so that we could have - faith in Him and eternal life with Him forever.

I think that's the context for this passage. And in that light "ask and it shall be given to you" and all that makes sense. If God is talking about his Holy Spirit, of course He desires and promises to give it to all of us. But I think that we can also take reassurance from this passage that God desires to give us good things. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above."

This baby that I am carrying is a wonderful gift and a miracle from God. She is also a beautiful and long-awaited answer to prayer. When I was praying every day for God to give me a child, I felt confused at why God would not answer my prayer. Wasn't God the one that told us to have children? Doesn't the Bible only ever talk about children as the greatest blessing? I felt sure that God's will was that I would have children because children and families are God's idea, and part of His design. So I couldn't figure out why God would answer "no" to my prayer. As it turned out God didn't answer "no" forever. But I did need to trust God that even if I didn't ever have my own children, that God would answer my prayer and longing in one way or another. I know that God does love me, I know that He does desire to give me good things, and I know that God loves families. This world we live in isn't perfect, but that isn't God's fault. We did that. It doesn't always make sense, especially when we are in the thick of one struggle or another. But we can count on God's promise that He will be there and He will answer our prayers.

And instead of praying for exactly what we think we need and nothing else, let's echo the disciples and say, "Lord, teach us to pray."