Perspective

Never Take for Granted...

I must say, the past year or so has taught me so much, and provided me with a lot of perspective on life. Things that I used to take for granted, I now treasure. Things that I used to find terrifying are now no longer so scary. Things that I thought "just happened" I will never, ever take for granted.

If you know me well you might remember what my "biggest fear" is (or was). I used to say that one of my biggest fears in life was having all sons. I used to picture myself married with three or more boys and I just didn't know how I would survive being the only female in a household. I didn't think I could do it. Now, obviously I knew on some level that if indeed God chose to bless me with three or four or more sons and a great husband I would probably be happy. But I still thought it was terrifying. I always wanted my first child to be a girl just so that fear could be put to rest right away.

Not any more. Now I don't care at all. Boys, girls, whatever. Any children that God chooses to bless me with I will be ecstatic about. I am sure I would have before, but now that image no longer scares me. New perspective.

I think I always just assumed that I would get married, finish college, and start having kids. It was always in my mind and I never thought about it twice. (Okay, it did occur to me that it might not happen right away, or that it might be challenging, but I always just assumed it would happen one way or another.) So many people do get married and just have kids, and it is easy for them. I see the pictures on Facebook, and I am incredibly happy for these people, but a part of me always wonders if they really, truly appreciate how blessed they are. I'll bet that many of them do, but sometimes when things just happen we don't always realize how fortunate we are, and we don't take a moment to think that other people do not have these same blessings.

This made me wonder what things in my life do I have that others do not have? Are there blessings in my life that I sometimes take for granted? For all of us, the answer to these questions will probably always be 'Yes'. Maybe it's a good idea to take some time out and thank God for all of His blessings.

• I have parents who loved me and raised me in the church - such a blessing. I would not be who I am today without them. Everyone has parents, but not everyone had a childhood as happy and amazing as mine, or parents who raised them like mine did. I should never take that for granted, but should thank God (and my parents too) for that! 

• I have the most amazing husband ever - so lucky and blessed! I still don't know why such a wonderful guy loves me, or what he saw in me to ever decide to ask me out in the first place, but I know that I have an incredible husband and marriage.  I cannot think of a single thing that could be better in our relationship or a single thing I would change about my man. He is an incredible husband, is going to make a wonderful pastor and I know he will be such a great dad some day. Many people are not as fortunate as I am. I should never take him for granted. 

• I have some amazing friends. Friends who have maintained long distance relationships for years, and area always there for me when I need to talk. 

• I have a job. I'm 22 and I have a good job. In this economy, 'nuff said. 

• I have a really  nice place to live. My husband may be a grad student, but we are very blessed by the generosity of many people who support us while he is here at the seminary. 

I could go on forever, and maybe I will, but if you're reading this, instead of reading a long, long list of the ways that I have been blessed in my life think of the ways that you have been blessed in yours. What are some things that many people do not have that you take for granted every day? 

Consultation Update!

We went to our consultation at Sher on Wednesday this week. The appointment was supposed to be last week, but the doctor's office called the day before to re-schedule. Apparently the doctor went out of town suddenly. I was pretty upset about it initially. I mean, I have been waiting for this appointment for a very long time! And in the world of fertility issues, moving an appointment back a week can move treatment back a month or more if it's the wrong week. So I was not happy. I was still pretty nice to the receptionist, though, all things considered. I think since I work in Customer Service it is really hard for me to give people a hard time over the phone, even if I think they deserve it. I guess that's not a bad thing.

And the good news is when we got there on Wednesday everyone was very nice, and the doctor seems really great. He talked with us for at least an hour. He is very long-winded, but friendly and willing to explain everything. He suggested a couple tests for each of us, and they were willing to get  on everything right away, which means that we may have some answers in just a few weeks. I have another appointment next Thursday, and I think we will have a follow up consultation two weeks or so after that. We will see. But I finally feel like we're getting somewhere, which is encouraging.

After looking at our charts and talking with us the doctor said that while the average couple our age has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month, our chance right now is probably closer to 5%. (Obviously it could be better or worse, depending on how these tests, go.) I was actually really glad to hear him say that. The doctors we had in Wisconsin never used numbers or talked about percentages or chances. As a math person, I really like to know numbers, even if there is a margin of error involved. Throughout our consultation the doctor was drawing bell curves and talking about standard deviations, which I found to be incredibly comforting. I just like having things put in my language. :)

A 5% chance is a good chance. Sure, it's not as great as 20%, but if that's actually the number, then it should still happen eventually. I don't think that it is time yet to give up on having a baby. Having a family of 8 or so biological children though? That is a dream I am slowly giving up on. But that is okay. We have already talked about adopting down the road.

At the same time that I'm glad things are finally moving forward, I'm nervous. I feel like in a few weeks I will know just how possible or not possible it is for us to have a baby. I do want to know. Sometimes I feel like I just want to know, and I don't care either way. I just want to know what we're dealing with so we can deal with it and move on already. But even though I want to know, it makes me nervous. There is the potential to get some life-changing news in the next month. I don't even know what I'm hoping to hear. Maybe that's why I'm nervous.

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I'm sorry about this rambling post! I don't think it's as well thought through as some of the other ones. But the main purpose was to update anyone who wanted to know how our appointment went, and hopefully it accomplished that.

Looking Forward

Over the past week or two I have been doing pretty well. Two weeks ago today my husband and I decided that it was time for us to share our journey with our friends and family. It just felt like the right thing to do. From the moment that I decided that we would let other people know about our struggles I felt an immediate sense of relief. I never felt like I was keeping a secret before, but I suppose it was weighing on me more than I realized.

A week ago we posted a note on Facebook, although we limited the privacy settings so that not everyone on our friends lists would see it. Just knowing that we are not alone and that people now have some idea about what is going on in our lives is very comforting, and it really lifted my spirits, even if I did not talk with many people about the note at all.

If you are friends or family (or anyone!) and are reading my blog, feel free to follow it, subscribe at the bottom of the page by entering your email address, or comment on posts. I would love to hear from you!

I believe I mentioned this before, but we do have a consultation at the Sher Institute in Saint Louis on October 24th. My hope is that they can start us on a good plan. We have already done some tests with our respective doctors in Wisconsin, but I do not feel that we have a diagnosis or a clear explanation of what the problem is. I am hoping to (1) get a clear sense of the problem through testing as they recommend, and (2) make a plan for treatment.

I do not know what they will recommend for treatment at all, but I do know about some of the more common fertility treatments. I know what problems we do not have, and this leads me to think that they will probably suggest either IUI or IVF. I would be very happy if there was something much simpler that we could try first, and I am definitely hoping that that is the case, but if you know me, you know that I like to think ahead and be prepared, so I am already thinking about these two different courses and trying to decide how I feel about them - just in case.

I am assuming they will start with a suggestion of IUI since it is cheaper and less invasive, but it will depend upon the precise nature of the problem, obviously. As a Christian and someone who is strongly pro-life, I have some ethical concerns with IVF that would certainly need to be satisfied before I would consider pursuing it. I am considering doing a post or two on the ethics of IUI and IVF and what a Christian view of these treatments could be. (I do want to say that even when my husband and I reach a decision about what treatments we would be willing to pursue, we will never pass judgement on another couple who makes a different decision. These questions are very tricky and very involved, and in many cases there are not clear-cut answers.) With that being said, we naturally want to feel very good about any course we decide to take in our own marriage.

So to sum up, I've been feeling better about all of this lately! We have an appointment coming up and I'm hoping it will help make our path a little more clear-cut and concrete. And look out for upcoming posts about IUI and IVF in Christian (and more specifically Lutheran) perspective.

A New Work

To update, we had some bad news recently. We have been trying a medication for a few months now and it looks like it may not be working. Right now things don't seem great, and we are going month to month knowing each month that there is only a very, very small chance of getting pregnant. We do have a consultation at a new fertility clinic towards the end of October, so that is something to look forward to. I am hoping to get some answers and a game plan in place very soon. I have hoped for that before with no success, but hopefully the doctors will have enough to go on this time to give us some concrete information and suggestions.

I've been doing pretty well the past week or so, all things considered. The weather is beautiful, I love my new job, and I just got home from a shopping trip at the mall! So life is okay, and parts of it are very good.

I have been taking a class called "After the Boxes are Unpacked" here at the seminary on Tuesday nights. The point of the class is to help the 'sem wives' adjust after moving, get to know each other, and make friends. We talk about how hard it is to pick up and move away from home, etc. For me, moving here was really not very hard. I was already living far away from family and friends, so it was not as traumatic a move as many other families experienced. I thought it was a pretty easy transition, actually. But the class has still been very helpful for me when I think about my TTC journey.

Last Tuesday we talked about some of the things that it was hard to let go of when moving. I thought that this did not really apply to me at first, since I really did not let go of anything during this last move. But I think what I need to let go of is an idea and not a physical thing in this case. I always pictured myself living here while my husband attended seminary having and raising kids. Now that I am here and I do not have any children it is really nothing like what I imagined. I think it is hard for me to let go of what I thought this part of our lives would look like, which is making it hard for me to truly enjoy what we do have right now. I see other couples who move here and are pregnant, or have brand new babies, and I think "that should have been us." I know that is a horrible way to think, but it happens. I really want to be able to enjoy the time we have here, and enjoy all the good things we have going on in our lives right now. And I do notice them and appreciate them. But at the same time, I know that until I have children, I am always going to be missing something. There's just no way around it.

These are two verses that were shared in this class over the past two weeks. Even though I was listening to those verses with a different spin on them than the rest of the class, I found them to be very encouraging.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever." ~Ephesians 20-21

These verses remind me of God's power over all creation and that He, the God who created the whole world, is also at work in each of us. I desire very much to start a family, and I am going to continue to work towards that goal. But I also want to be open-minded to look for what God may be trying to do in my life through this. I do want to trust Him. This is definitely much easier said than done, but -

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~ Philippians 4:13

Daydreaming

I used to daydream all the time about babies. I would start at the beginning, planning out just how I would tell my husband when the wonderful, long awaited, positive pregnancy test came along. I would then look forward to all our conversations planning for the future, telling our families, picking out names, setting up a nursery... every detail until the moment we brought that beautiful baby home. And then I would daydream some more. About teaching Baby colors, shapes, words, and all the wonderful "firsts." I can't wait for all these experiences and for the incredible joy, honor and opportunity of raising a child and watching them grow.

The past couple months I have been more successful than I thought possible in shutting the daydreaming down. I thought that "getting my hopes up" every month lead me to be more devastated in the end. And it probably did. So I stopped hoping and I stopped daydreaming and I stopped planning. Of course we kept trying,  but I worked hard to convince myself that there was no real hope because a) I believed that, and b) it was too painful being continually let down.

But the past week or so the daydreaming has slowly crept back into my thinking, and I've let it. I think I'm finding that I far prefer the daydreams and hopes to the bitterness of having no hope. Sure, it may not be likely, and sure, I may be disappointed. But I love the idea of having kids, and I am thrilled and beyond excited about it. And one way or another, this IS going to happen. Maybe not how I think it should, and clearly not in my timing. But it will happen. If it never happens naturally, we've already decided that we will adopt some day. So I WILL be a parent some day. And I am going to look forward to that day with excitement. Sure, I might spend a few days of each month devastated. But I think I'll be happier overall than being just moderately miserable all the time.

I don't want to give up hope. I want to learn to trust God to guide my path. I want to rely on His promises that He loves me and He has a plan for me. It is hard, but I think allowing myself to daydream could actually be one small step toward living out that trust.

And daydreaming is fun! I can't wait to have a baby!

As Anne Shirley says, "I can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. It's as glorious as soaring through a sunset... almost pays for the thud."