Answers and Options

On Wednesday I had a phone call consultation with our doctor to go over our test results. I have been very busy, and Jonathan and I have been talking and trying to think through everything, so I haven't gotten around to updating until now. But we really did get a lot of our answers, and I think we're in possession of enough information to reasonably know what to expect and to begin to plan for the future.

At this point the test results show a combination of factors that give us a pretty low chance of conceiving on our own. (Maybe something around 5% or less each month. It's hard to know numbers like that exactly, but that's a rough estimate.) I will go ahead and outline what our options are.

Medication

One option is for me to take Clomid or another medication. This might bump our percentage up a bit. If we say for the sake of argument that we're at 5%, this would move us up to 7-8% chance of conceiving each month. It is not safe to take Clomid for more than six months at a time, though, and as I pointed out to the doctor, 7% each month for six months gets you to about a 42% chance of conceiving. Not great odds, but considering how affordable Clomid is, this could be worth trying. 

IUI

IUI is not going to be an option for us. Due to the test results, the doctor said that IUI would not increase our chances for pregnancy by any significant amount. It just wouldn't make sense financially. 

IVF

The doctor indicated that IVF would be the most direct way to address the situation, and by far has the best chance for success. IVF has a 60% success rate for couples in their early 20s. As much as we may be tempted to take this route as it is clearly the easiest emotionally, we are very, very cautious about the idea. I feel that my pro-life beliefs conflict somewhat with this option, and we are certainly not going to run into this right away. 

I do not believe in freezing embryos, and I do not believe in doctors choosing which embryos they think have the best chance of survival. I did talk about my concerns in our phone conversation, and our doctor was extremely open and respectful of my beliefs. We talked about some options for lower stimulation IVF and ways that we could do IVF so as to eliminate these concerns. While that's great, it would dramatically decrease the chances of success each month. Depending on how exactly we decided to go about things, our chances of pregnancy could be more like 40% or even just 20% each cycle. It is very hard to calculate these percentages, however, because not enough couples do IVF with these considerations in mind to have a significant pool of data. 

I would be happy to share more about IVF and the specifics of why I have these concerns and feelings in a future post, but for now I will just say that this is not something that either of us are thinking of jumping into right now. 

Adoption

With only these options, we have started talking and thinking a lot about adoption. But that's something that the two of us need to talk about and think about a lot more before I say any more.

So those are the options we see at this point. In a nut shell, these are our choices:

1. Do nothing. Keep on going as we have been and probably not get pregnant any time soon. But who knows? God can do anything. At this point I would consider getting pregnant naturally to be nothing short of a miracle.
2. Medication. I can start taking Clomid or another fertility drug and we can try that for six months. This would slightly increase our chances and we could pray for a miracle. I would still consider getting pregnant under this option to be a miraculous and wonderful work of God.
3. IVF. This might be an option for us, but we are still thinking, praying, and studying about whether or not this is something we feel ethically and morally comfortable with.
4. Adoption. This is something that we cannot do right away because of the cost factor, but it is a route that we could consider and start researching for the future. 

So that's it. The answers we've been waiting for. We would love your prayers and support as we consider our options and try to discover what God's will is for us at this point in our journey to start a family. 

Keep checking back. We will hopefully come up with some kind of game plan soon! 

Advent - The Season of Waiting

Our test results have all been in for over a week now and yet we still don't really know where we stand. Very short emails with phrases like "normal to fair" just don't mean very much to me. I have no idea how to interpret that in terms of our options. I called the office to schedule a follow-up appointment and scheduled a half-hour phone consultation to go over the results with the doctor. But the appointment is not until next Wednesday. This month is a  very busy time at work and it was hard for me to schedule this phone call because of all my work commitments. And obviously this is not something I want to discuss with my supervisor, so it has been a frustrating past few weeks.  

Advent is truly turning into a season of waiting this year in more ways than one.

I am very, very tired of waiting. I just want to know what the deal is already. And I feel as though my fear is coming true. It seems like no one thing is very wrong; like we might just be dealing with a lot of little things. That is so much harder to wrap my mind around and deal with than one clear-cut problem would be. I feel like I already know what the recommendation is going to be - IUI. But Jonathan and I still have no idea what we are going to do or what we want to do, or more importantly, what we should do. As we get closer and closer to making very important decisions about what courses of action we are willing to pursue, we have been doing some reading, some thinking, and some praying.

I have been reading a book by Richard Eyer called Holy People, Holy Lives: Law and Gospel in Bioethics.  The author is actually a Professor of Philosophy at Concordia University Wisconsin, where Jonathan and I attended undergrad. The book explores the moral and ethical considerations that must be made when dealing with issues like fertility treatments (although it also discusses other bioethics issues). I have not actually read any books on infertility written by couples who have gone through this journey yet. I like Eyer's book because he so clearly has not gone through this himself and so the issues are dealt with apart from emotional sentiment. Of course, that is also somewhat frustrating, but I feel like the straightforward, unapologetic truth is what we really need to hear sometimes.

Jonathan has not read the book yet, so we will probably discuss it at more length after he has read it. For now, though, I will just quote one passage that struck me especially strongly during this season of Advent.

"No human being, especially our children, should have to bear all the burden of meeting our needs. Our deepest needs can only be met by God and the only human being to whom we can turn in our desperation is the God-become-Man, Jesus Christ. Only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can transform the desires of a childless couple for fulfillment-through-a-child into the desire for one Child born in Bethlehem. He alone can give meaning and fulfillment to our lives." (Eyer, 127)

It is a very confusing thing spiritually when you feel that the thing you are called so strongly to do is something that is not going to happen. I feel that I would love to serve God through raising children, and all of my desires long to be able to do that. I do not know what else God is calling me to do, but I feel sure that it must be something else, because God couldn't be calling me to sit around and wait and do nothing. But I have no passion like my passion to have a child, so I have no idea where to turn while I wait.

I do not always know how to do this, but this quote from Eyer's book just reminded me to focus on Jesus and what He has done for us all. Even though I am waiting to hear about and figure out what the future has in store for Jonathan and I, I need to focus much more strongly on Christ and remembering how much God does love me, that He sent His very own son into this world for me so that I could have hope. I cannot imagine what my life would look like now without that hope in Christ. I cannot imagine what going through infertility would do to me if I did not have the promise of God's love to cling to. More often than not the Bible is confusing, and I have no idea what God is doing in my life. But at least I am 100% confident that He is doing something, even if I haven't the faintest idea what it is.

Today I will just close with the first verse of one of my favorite Advent hymns.

Hark the glad sound! The Savior comes,

The Savior promised long.

Let every heart prepare a throne,

And every voice a song.

Perspective

Never Take for Granted...

I must say, the past year or so has taught me so much, and provided me with a lot of perspective on life. Things that I used to take for granted, I now treasure. Things that I used to find terrifying are now no longer so scary. Things that I thought "just happened" I will never, ever take for granted.

If you know me well you might remember what my "biggest fear" is (or was). I used to say that one of my biggest fears in life was having all sons. I used to picture myself married with three or more boys and I just didn't know how I would survive being the only female in a household. I didn't think I could do it. Now, obviously I knew on some level that if indeed God chose to bless me with three or four or more sons and a great husband I would probably be happy. But I still thought it was terrifying. I always wanted my first child to be a girl just so that fear could be put to rest right away.

Not any more. Now I don't care at all. Boys, girls, whatever. Any children that God chooses to bless me with I will be ecstatic about. I am sure I would have before, but now that image no longer scares me. New perspective.

I think I always just assumed that I would get married, finish college, and start having kids. It was always in my mind and I never thought about it twice. (Okay, it did occur to me that it might not happen right away, or that it might be challenging, but I always just assumed it would happen one way or another.) So many people do get married and just have kids, and it is easy for them. I see the pictures on Facebook, and I am incredibly happy for these people, but a part of me always wonders if they really, truly appreciate how blessed they are. I'll bet that many of them do, but sometimes when things just happen we don't always realize how fortunate we are, and we don't take a moment to think that other people do not have these same blessings.

This made me wonder what things in my life do I have that others do not have? Are there blessings in my life that I sometimes take for granted? For all of us, the answer to these questions will probably always be 'Yes'. Maybe it's a good idea to take some time out and thank God for all of His blessings.

• I have parents who loved me and raised me in the church - such a blessing. I would not be who I am today without them. Everyone has parents, but not everyone had a childhood as happy and amazing as mine, or parents who raised them like mine did. I should never take that for granted, but should thank God (and my parents too) for that! 

• I have the most amazing husband ever - so lucky and blessed! I still don't know why such a wonderful guy loves me, or what he saw in me to ever decide to ask me out in the first place, but I know that I have an incredible husband and marriage.  I cannot think of a single thing that could be better in our relationship or a single thing I would change about my man. He is an incredible husband, is going to make a wonderful pastor and I know he will be such a great dad some day. Many people are not as fortunate as I am. I should never take him for granted. 

• I have some amazing friends. Friends who have maintained long distance relationships for years, and area always there for me when I need to talk. 

• I have a job. I'm 22 and I have a good job. In this economy, 'nuff said. 

• I have a really  nice place to live. My husband may be a grad student, but we are very blessed by the generosity of many people who support us while he is here at the seminary. 

I could go on forever, and maybe I will, but if you're reading this, instead of reading a long, long list of the ways that I have been blessed in my life think of the ways that you have been blessed in yours. What are some things that many people do not have that you take for granted every day? 

Consultation Update!

We went to our consultation at Sher on Wednesday this week. The appointment was supposed to be last week, but the doctor's office called the day before to re-schedule. Apparently the doctor went out of town suddenly. I was pretty upset about it initially. I mean, I have been waiting for this appointment for a very long time! And in the world of fertility issues, moving an appointment back a week can move treatment back a month or more if it's the wrong week. So I was not happy. I was still pretty nice to the receptionist, though, all things considered. I think since I work in Customer Service it is really hard for me to give people a hard time over the phone, even if I think they deserve it. I guess that's not a bad thing.

And the good news is when we got there on Wednesday everyone was very nice, and the doctor seems really great. He talked with us for at least an hour. He is very long-winded, but friendly and willing to explain everything. He suggested a couple tests for each of us, and they were willing to get  on everything right away, which means that we may have some answers in just a few weeks. I have another appointment next Thursday, and I think we will have a follow up consultation two weeks or so after that. We will see. But I finally feel like we're getting somewhere, which is encouraging.

After looking at our charts and talking with us the doctor said that while the average couple our age has a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month, our chance right now is probably closer to 5%. (Obviously it could be better or worse, depending on how these tests, go.) I was actually really glad to hear him say that. The doctors we had in Wisconsin never used numbers or talked about percentages or chances. As a math person, I really like to know numbers, even if there is a margin of error involved. Throughout our consultation the doctor was drawing bell curves and talking about standard deviations, which I found to be incredibly comforting. I just like having things put in my language. :)

A 5% chance is a good chance. Sure, it's not as great as 20%, but if that's actually the number, then it should still happen eventually. I don't think that it is time yet to give up on having a baby. Having a family of 8 or so biological children though? That is a dream I am slowly giving up on. But that is okay. We have already talked about adopting down the road.

At the same time that I'm glad things are finally moving forward, I'm nervous. I feel like in a few weeks I will know just how possible or not possible it is for us to have a baby. I do want to know. Sometimes I feel like I just want to know, and I don't care either way. I just want to know what we're dealing with so we can deal with it and move on already. But even though I want to know, it makes me nervous. There is the potential to get some life-changing news in the next month. I don't even know what I'm hoping to hear. Maybe that's why I'm nervous.

********

I'm sorry about this rambling post! I don't think it's as well thought through as some of the other ones. But the main purpose was to update anyone who wanted to know how our appointment went, and hopefully it accomplished that.

Looking Forward

Over the past week or two I have been doing pretty well. Two weeks ago today my husband and I decided that it was time for us to share our journey with our friends and family. It just felt like the right thing to do. From the moment that I decided that we would let other people know about our struggles I felt an immediate sense of relief. I never felt like I was keeping a secret before, but I suppose it was weighing on me more than I realized.

A week ago we posted a note on Facebook, although we limited the privacy settings so that not everyone on our friends lists would see it. Just knowing that we are not alone and that people now have some idea about what is going on in our lives is very comforting, and it really lifted my spirits, even if I did not talk with many people about the note at all.

If you are friends or family (or anyone!) and are reading my blog, feel free to follow it, subscribe at the bottom of the page by entering your email address, or comment on posts. I would love to hear from you!

I believe I mentioned this before, but we do have a consultation at the Sher Institute in Saint Louis on October 24th. My hope is that they can start us on a good plan. We have already done some tests with our respective doctors in Wisconsin, but I do not feel that we have a diagnosis or a clear explanation of what the problem is. I am hoping to (1) get a clear sense of the problem through testing as they recommend, and (2) make a plan for treatment.

I do not know what they will recommend for treatment at all, but I do know about some of the more common fertility treatments. I know what problems we do not have, and this leads me to think that they will probably suggest either IUI or IVF. I would be very happy if there was something much simpler that we could try first, and I am definitely hoping that that is the case, but if you know me, you know that I like to think ahead and be prepared, so I am already thinking about these two different courses and trying to decide how I feel about them - just in case.

I am assuming they will start with a suggestion of IUI since it is cheaper and less invasive, but it will depend upon the precise nature of the problem, obviously. As a Christian and someone who is strongly pro-life, I have some ethical concerns with IVF that would certainly need to be satisfied before I would consider pursuing it. I am considering doing a post or two on the ethics of IUI and IVF and what a Christian view of these treatments could be. (I do want to say that even when my husband and I reach a decision about what treatments we would be willing to pursue, we will never pass judgement on another couple who makes a different decision. These questions are very tricky and very involved, and in many cases there are not clear-cut answers.) With that being said, we naturally want to feel very good about any course we decide to take in our own marriage.

So to sum up, I've been feeling better about all of this lately! We have an appointment coming up and I'm hoping it will help make our path a little more clear-cut and concrete. And look out for upcoming posts about IUI and IVF in Christian (and more specifically Lutheran) perspective.

A New Work

To update, we had some bad news recently. We have been trying a medication for a few months now and it looks like it may not be working. Right now things don't seem great, and we are going month to month knowing each month that there is only a very, very small chance of getting pregnant. We do have a consultation at a new fertility clinic towards the end of October, so that is something to look forward to. I am hoping to get some answers and a game plan in place very soon. I have hoped for that before with no success, but hopefully the doctors will have enough to go on this time to give us some concrete information and suggestions.

I've been doing pretty well the past week or so, all things considered. The weather is beautiful, I love my new job, and I just got home from a shopping trip at the mall! So life is okay, and parts of it are very good.

I have been taking a class called "After the Boxes are Unpacked" here at the seminary on Tuesday nights. The point of the class is to help the 'sem wives' adjust after moving, get to know each other, and make friends. We talk about how hard it is to pick up and move away from home, etc. For me, moving here was really not very hard. I was already living far away from family and friends, so it was not as traumatic a move as many other families experienced. I thought it was a pretty easy transition, actually. But the class has still been very helpful for me when I think about my TTC journey.

Last Tuesday we talked about some of the things that it was hard to let go of when moving. I thought that this did not really apply to me at first, since I really did not let go of anything during this last move. But I think what I need to let go of is an idea and not a physical thing in this case. I always pictured myself living here while my husband attended seminary having and raising kids. Now that I am here and I do not have any children it is really nothing like what I imagined. I think it is hard for me to let go of what I thought this part of our lives would look like, which is making it hard for me to truly enjoy what we do have right now. I see other couples who move here and are pregnant, or have brand new babies, and I think "that should have been us." I know that is a horrible way to think, but it happens. I really want to be able to enjoy the time we have here, and enjoy all the good things we have going on in our lives right now. And I do notice them and appreciate them. But at the same time, I know that until I have children, I am always going to be missing something. There's just no way around it.

These are two verses that were shared in this class over the past two weeks. Even though I was listening to those verses with a different spin on them than the rest of the class, I found them to be very encouraging.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever." ~Ephesians 20-21

These verses remind me of God's power over all creation and that He, the God who created the whole world, is also at work in each of us. I desire very much to start a family, and I am going to continue to work towards that goal. But I also want to be open-minded to look for what God may be trying to do in my life through this. I do want to trust Him. This is definitely much easier said than done, but -

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~ Philippians 4:13

Daydreaming

I used to daydream all the time about babies. I would start at the beginning, planning out just how I would tell my husband when the wonderful, long awaited, positive pregnancy test came along. I would then look forward to all our conversations planning for the future, telling our families, picking out names, setting up a nursery... every detail until the moment we brought that beautiful baby home. And then I would daydream some more. About teaching Baby colors, shapes, words, and all the wonderful "firsts." I can't wait for all these experiences and for the incredible joy, honor and opportunity of raising a child and watching them grow.

The past couple months I have been more successful than I thought possible in shutting the daydreaming down. I thought that "getting my hopes up" every month lead me to be more devastated in the end. And it probably did. So I stopped hoping and I stopped daydreaming and I stopped planning. Of course we kept trying,  but I worked hard to convince myself that there was no real hope because a) I believed that, and b) it was too painful being continually let down.

But the past week or so the daydreaming has slowly crept back into my thinking, and I've let it. I think I'm finding that I far prefer the daydreams and hopes to the bitterness of having no hope. Sure, it may not be likely, and sure, I may be disappointed. But I love the idea of having kids, and I am thrilled and beyond excited about it. And one way or another, this IS going to happen. Maybe not how I think it should, and clearly not in my timing. But it will happen. If it never happens naturally, we've already decided that we will adopt some day. So I WILL be a parent some day. And I am going to look forward to that day with excitement. Sure, I might spend a few days of each month devastated. But I think I'll be happier overall than being just moderately miserable all the time.

I don't want to give up hope. I want to learn to trust God to guide my path. I want to rely on His promises that He loves me and He has a plan for me. It is hard, but I think allowing myself to daydream could actually be one small step toward living out that trust.

And daydreaming is fun! I can't wait to have a baby!

As Anne Shirley says, "I can't help flying up on the wings of anticipation. It's as glorious as soaring through a sunset... almost pays for the thud."

It's Getting Old...

I realize that I haven't posted in about a month. I promise that is not because I forgot, or because things have been better, or because things have been worse. I resolved at the beginning that I would not make this a depressed, ranting, complaining blog.  The internet has plenty of those. I resolved to follow the advice of Thumper from Bambi and my mother: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

So it's been a month of silence from me. Nothing has happened really on the infertility front. My husband and I moved from one area to another so my husband could start attending graduate school. I started my new job, which has been going very well, but has kept me really busy. We have not found a new fertility doctor yet, so I feel like everything is kind of paused for us.  I've been very busy with my new job so I have not had a lot of time to work on that, but that doesn't mean that time is going by fast or that I don't feel more and more devastated with each passing month of not conceiving.

To be completely honest, I have been very sad lately, and that is why I haven't blogged. My life is good, my apartment is good, I seem happy on the surface, and in many ways I am. But there is this undercurrent of sadness constantly. It keeps me from ever feeling completely 100% happy. It's kind of like numbness most of the time, and then like acute, sharp pain at other times.  But I don't want to complain or dwell on my sadness, so that's all I'm going to say about that.

Hopefully something positive will give me hope soon, and I can come on here and write a more uplifting (or at the very least insightful) post. Until then, like the title said, this whole waiting thing is getting old.

If You Work Hard Enough...

... you can accomplish anything.

I am not sure that anyone has ever said this to me directly, but I feel like the world has definitely infused this message into society very strongly.  Some variations on this theme are:

• You can be whatever you want to be.
• You can do whatever you set your mind to do.
• Whatever you dream of and desire in your heart, it can and will happen if you just have faith.

I feel like that last point is the theme of just about every Disney movie that I saw as a little girl.  While I may not have admitted that I believed this at any given point in my life, I think that I always hoped and trusted that this would be true.  I hoped that if I wanted something badly enough, was willing to work hard for it, and just kept going, that I could really be or do or have anything.  Is that the American Dream?  I'm not sure, but it sure feels like it is on the curriculum in our nation's schools! 

Well, I may have believed these things at the age of eight, or even twelve.  And I may have hoped and acted on these premises at the age of sixteen or even eighteen.  But now in my twenties, I know for sure that these statements are all lies. 

Disclaimer:  I do think that these beliefs have their place.  I do believe in working hard to accomplish goals.  I do not believe in giving up.

That being said, I sure wish someone would have told me that even if I want something and work towards it with all my strength, sometimes I still will not get it.  TTC has taught me this.  It is unfortunate that I did not learn this lesson before, as I certainly had the opportunity.

When I was a teenager I loved to dance, and I took as many ballet lessons per week as my parents would pay for and my teachers would allow.  I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up, and I worked very, very hard.  I was even talented, and I think that it would have been possible for me to succeed.  But when I was fourteen, I had to have a spinal fusion surgery to correct scoliosis in my back.  It was an unpleasant six months, but I got through it, and now I hardly ever think about my scoliosis and it has no impact on my daily life. (Praise God!)  But it made me much less flexible in my back, and there came a point when I was seventeen when I knew I would never be a dancer.  I had reached a point where I could not bend in ways the other girls in my class did, and if I danced for over ten hours a week, my back hurt to a point I could not handle.  I had to stop dancing and develop new goals and dreams.  This was the first real loss in my life.  I know that many people deal with much worse, but I can easily say that going through surgery and recovery was nothing compared to not being able to dance the way I wanted to. 

So there... this should have been my first clue that trying hard is not always enough.  But I mentally moved on to my still greater goal of being a wife and a mother and having a large family.  I knew that to have a career in dance it is pretty impossible to have kids in your early twenties.  I had always felt conflicted about these two dreams of mine.  But when God closed the dance door, and simultaneously presented me with a wonderful, loving relationship with my now-husband, I was sure that this was the new door that God was opening or pointing out to me.  The thought that both of my plans would be thwarted never occurred to me.  The thought that my body could betray me twice and deny me the only two things I ever wanted it to do for me was just not something that seemed realistic to me.  I believed that God loved me too much for that.

Well, the truth of the matter is that God does love me too much for that.  God wants me to be happy, and to have the things that I want that are in his plan and will.  But I still have to deal with the fact that we live in a fallen world, and things happen.  My dad has been trying to teach me this lesson my entire life, but I think I'm beginning to get it.  Life is not fair.  And this has nothing to do with good or bad, or the existence or love of God.  It is just true.  Life is not fair.  Some people have things that others are denied, and there is no reason for it.  Sometimes as hard as  you work for something you will never get it.  That does not mean that you should not continue working for it.

Life is not fair.

You may never get what you desire no matter how hard you work.

You should still fight and work for the things you want in life.

God still loves you, and life still has meaning.

Even if I never get the things that I desire in life, I want to trust that God does have a plan for me that will be fulfilling.

Career Crisis

I feel that I am preparing for a life that I never wanted.

Let me sketch for you a picture of the life I have been dreaming of for the past six or more years.  This, to me, is the perfect, ideal life that I wanted for myself.  

I always wanted to fall in love and get married young.  When J and I started dating, we already knew that our relationship was serious and heading toward marriage.  We may have only been 18 and 17, respectively, but neither of us believed in casual dating, and we had strong faith in our friendship and our growing relationship.  I was home schooled through tenth grade, and through my home school groups and my church, I knew many large families with young mothers, or women who had been around 20 when they had their first kid.  I always thought that these families were beautiful, wonderful, and what I wanted my future family to be like.  I feel so much passion about the vocation of parenthood!  More than anything I long to have a large family, to home school my children, and to provide them with a wonderful, joyful, childhood full of all the love, security, and Christian values that made me who I am today.  I do enjoy my career path.  I do love math and teaching.  I can become passionate about many things, but I have always longed to be a mother and take care of a family to a much greater extent than I ever desired a professional career.  

When I got married at the age of 20, it was my expectation that my first child would be born when I was 21. This did not seem young or early to me at all.  It seemed like perfect timing.  Maturity has very little to do with age, and J and I both believe that we are ready to be parents.  We have friends who are our age who have babies or are starting their families now, and even if it is less common today, my grandmothers had their first children when they were 20!  But our eagerness to start a family has nothing to do with when anyone else started or is starting their families.  We both want children now because we feel we are ready.  We share the dream of a large family, and we want that dream to begin yesterday.  

Something that has been hard for me is that while I am longing with everything in me to start the vocation of motherhood, so many of my friends around me are excited about their new careers, and they all assume that I should be too.  Am I glad that I went to college?  Of course!  I think education is incredibly important, and even if I had absolutely no intention of ever working (which is not the case) I would have wanted to study and learn more.  A high school education is just not enough for me, and I always wanted to go to college for its own sake.  But everyone assumes that now that I'm done with college of course all I want to do is find a job in my field and build my career.  I do love my field, and I do think I have talents that I can use there, but it is not what I want for my life right now.  I feel like society is asking me to live a lie by pretending that I desire these things. 

Now that my dreams of starting a family are not being fulfilled in the way I had hoped, I have been pouring all of my efforts into finding a job.  I always planned to work for a few years after college if necessary, and I am okay with doing that.  But I never felt the pressure to select all the right positions, make all the right connections, and maximize my career potential in the way that I would have felt compelled to do if I planned to work for my whole life.  A whole 14 months have passed since we started trying to start our family, and even though I still hope and believe that we will be successful, I feel that the chance that we may not is growing each month.  Now that I recognize that there is a reasonable chance I may not have children, or may not have them for a while, my career takes on a whole new importance and significance.  

And so while I grieve and struggle through infertility, I must also pour all of my efforts into preparing for a life I have never desired and do not want.  This has made this summer incredibly emotional and stressful for me.  For the first time I have started to feel this urgency to be successful after college, because I may not be able to pursue my real dreams.  I am very happy that I have the promise of employment when J and I move to our new home in a few weeks.  But at the same time, I am worried because this job is not in my field, and I want to ensure that my career is successful.  Even while I weight these considerations, the main thought constantly running through my head is I don't care about any of this.  I just want a baby! It sure makes it hard to think clearly! 

I am thankful that God has kept me sane through the past few months.  I am glad that he has blessed me with a job so that I will have something to do.  I know that his plans for me are greater than my plans for myself.  I know that there is a way that he can use this situation to bring glory to him.  I know all the right answers.  And knowing that God loves me does help.  I cannot imagine how lost and hopeless I would feel without God right now.  But that certainly does not mean that this is easy. 

Good News!

So apparently sometimes patience does pay off!  God does listen to my prayers, and he does answer them!

This morning I was offered a job.  Wonderful news!  I have been searching for a job since March.  While this is not a teaching job, it is still a job.  I actually love what I know about the company so far, and I think that it is a position that I could become passionate about.  It may not be in my major, but I still believe I will be able to put my skills and talents to work there.  Right now I am hoping to start in two weeks.  Life is moving very fast!

This week had the potential to be the best week of my life, a great week, or a devastating one.  This week was the week that I would find out if I was pregnant after cycle 13 of trying, and it was also the week that I knew I would hear back about this job.  I prayed earnestly to God for good news on both fronts, and I daydreamed about how exciting it would be to be pregnant and get a job all at once!  But what I pleaded for is that at least one good thing would happen to me this week.  I knew that it would be devastating to not get the job and not be pregnant, and while I knew I could handle it with God's help, I very much did not want to.

But God is meeting our needs.  God has provided me with a job.  And even though finding a job is in no way related to TTC, I still feel hopeful about that journey as well.  I know that God loves me, cares about me, and does in fact answer prayers with a "yes" sometimes!

I watched "Facing the Giants" this week, and this movie reminded me that it is important to praise God when things go well, and also when things do not go the way we want them to, or when everything seems hopeless.  God is worthy of our praise regardless of the difficulties in our lives.  After watching this movie I resolved that even if I was not pregnant and did not get this job, that I would still praise God and put my trust in him.  Thankfully, I get to praise God and thank him for giving me this opportunity!  And I know that even though we still do not have our baby, God can provide that wonderful blessing in his own timing.  And however long we have to wait, it will be worth it!

Hannah

When I consider turning to the Bible for comfort and truth about TTC and infertility I find myself repeatedly thinking of Hannah and turning to the opening chapter of Samuel.  I have always been puzzled by this story.  There is a lot going on!  This passage deals with things from the persistance of prayer to bargaining with God, and I've always found it to be hard to study.  But in the past few months it has had renewed relevance for me, so I have tackled it here.  If you are looking for some Biblical truth and answers about infertility, this is as good a place as any to start, although it is by no means all the Bible has to offer on this topic.  These are just my thoughts, and I certainly do not know everything.  Feel free to comment with your own comments, insights, or even disagreements and struggles.

1Samuel 1

1 There was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim of the hill country of Ephraim whose name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, son of Elihu, son of Tohu, son of Zuph, an Ephrathite. ² He had two wives. The name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other, Peninnah. And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.

³ Now this man used to go up year by year from his city to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. ⁴ On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. ⁵ But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb.^{[a] 6} And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. ⁷ So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.

The language of “the Lord had closed her womb” makes it sound like this is a judgment against Hannah, or that God wanted this to happen to her or caused her infertility.  I cannot say for sure that this is not true… it is very possible that God does allow this to happen to Hannah so that he can be glorified later in the birth of Samuel.  In Hannah’s culture and society people believed that infertility was God’s judgment against someone, so Hannah probably dealt with both the grief of not having a child and the social stigma against childless women.  What I notice when I read this is that nothing is said about why Hannah is childless—there is no mention of judgment or that she has done something wrong, and I think this is very important to note.  God does not allow this to happen to Hannah because he is angry with her or does not love her—it just happens.

I know in my own journey I find it easy to wonder why God has not blessed me with a baby yet.  I see other people who are having kids, and some of them are going to be wonderful parents while some are clearly in less than ideal circumstances.  It makes me (and every other woman that I know who struggles with TTC) ask the question “Why not me?”  The truth is that the answer to this question is probably as simple as Just because—we live in a fallen, imperfect world, and bad things happen.  Just because bad things happen does not mean that God does not love us.

This is undoubtedly a very insensitive remark by Hannah’s husband.  Clearly he does not understand the ache in her heart.  After all, he has children by Peninnah, his other wife.  But we see from verse 5 that he does love Hannah, and I’ll bet that Hannah loves him back. 

⁸ And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

Does anyone else ever feel guilty for wanting a baby so badly?  I know that sometimes I remember the days before I was dating my husband.  I had a crush on him for a solid eight months before he knew he liked me back, and I remember praying to God prayers along the lines of “God, if you give me J, I promise I’ll be happy for the rest of my life and never ask for anything else again.  I love him so much, and I don’t know if I can live without him!”  Now maybe I’m the only one who prayed this kind of prayer, but when I find myself so distraught and sad because I do not have a baby, I am always plagued by this strand of guilt, because God did give me the most incredible man, and I love him so dearly.  I feel like I should never want anything again.  But I do.  I want a baby.  This passage comforts me because I see that Hannah had a man who loved her, and she still desired more.  And God did not scorn her for this.  I know that the desire for children is one that God has given me. 

⁹ After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah rose. Now Eli the priest was sitting on the seat beside the doorpost of the temple of the Lord. ¹⁰ She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly. ¹¹ And she vowed a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.”

Here I do not really know what to say. This kind of gets into another territory regarding bargaining with God. Is that okay to do? I have no idea. It seems to work well for Hannah here, and indeed it works for others in the bible at various times, but I always feel weird about it. If anyone has any thoughts about this, I would love to hear them!

¹² As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. ¹³ Hannah was speaking in her heart; only her lips moved, and her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli took her to be a drunken woman. ¹⁴ And Eli said to her, “How long will you go on being drunk? Put your wine away from you.” ¹⁵ But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. ¹⁶ Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.”

Hannah is so intense in her praying and pleading with God that Eli the priest thinks she is drunk!  She responds that no, she is “a woman troubled in spirit… pouring out my soul before the Lord… out of my great anxiety and grief.”

I know I have been there.  It is horrible.  Sometimes afterwards I feel some peace and reassurance, but many times I do not.  I do know, though, that God hears my prayers.  I do not know that he will give me what I desire, but I know that he loves me.  We are not guaranteed happiness in life.  Being a Christian does not mean that God will give you all good things, or that your life here on earth will be wonderful.  What it means is that you know how much Christ loves you, and you know that you have a future of life and joy with him in eternity.  That is the wonderful joy and promise of the resurrection.  Nothing about happiness on earth is guaranteed.  But hey—if it weren’t for Christ, we would all be doomed to an eternity of torment, suffering and separation from God in Hell.  I know that’s not a popular thing to say, but it is true.  Something to remember is that God does love you.  He has already demonstrated this by sending his Son.  He may or may not give me a baby.  But I know that if he loves me so much as to send is only son to die for me, then I am sure he cares about my pain, and I know that he hates to see his children suffer.  So even if you feel that God is not listening or does not care, pour out your heart to him as Hannah did.  Because he is listening, and he does care.

 ¹⁷ Then Eli answered, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” ¹⁸ And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

After her prayer, Hannah’s “face was no longer sad.”  Even though she did not know for sure how or when God would answer her petition, she had peace.  Knowing that God hears my prayer and cares about me gives me peace, even though I still do not know when or if I will have a baby.  Praying does help, and it does  calm me down eventually.

^{19 They rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord; then they went back to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 20 And in due time Hannah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Samuel, for she said, “I have asked for him from the Lord.”}

This is the happy ending that I know all TTC couples are waiting for! God granted Hannah’s request and she had a baby! I pray that this will happen for me as well, and for the other women I know who pray a similar prayer. Verse 20 says “in due time” Hannah conceived. It was not immediately, and it was not when she thought it was time. It was in God’s timing. I know that I hate not knowing, and I hate not having control. But at the same time, in those moments when I have peace and joy, it is because I recognize that if this, the strongest desire of my heart, is granted, it will be in God’s due time, and not in mine. And on my good days when I am most reasonable, I know that this will be much better than any timing I could come up with, and it will all work to glorify God in the end.

Peace

A few weeks ago I was having a horrible time with everything.  I was stressed and worried that I would never find a job, and I was feeling like God did not care about me because we didn't have a baby yet.  I've felt that way before, but it was a very low week for me.

I asked J to pray for me, because I was having trouble praying.  I asked him to pray for peace and joy, and that I would be able to be content with my situation and continue to trust in God.  Slowly things started to feel better and turn around.

Nothing has technically changed since then.  I still do not have a job lined up for the fall, and we still are not much further on our journey towards starting a family.  It has been three weeks and nothing is 'better'.  But I do feel that peace.  I can pray now, and I feel that God is reaching down to me and reassuring me that it will all be okay.  The last two weeks going to church has been an encouraging experience instead of a disheartening one, as I mentioned in a previous post that I felt it had become.  I felt like the Bible passages and words from the sermon were just for me and encouraged me that God had wonderful plans in store for me even if I could not see them.

Right now I am on vacation and visiting family.  I find that when I am around family I want a baby even more than when it is just J and I (if that is possible!).  It is incredibly difficult, because people allude to when we have kids in conversation, and I have to just brush past that comment like it does not make my heart ache.  But even though I feel that I want a baby now more than ever, I still feel calm and peaceful about it.  I can't say with full confidence that it will happen, but I can say with confidence that everything will be okay, life will go on, and God loves me and has a plan for my life.

Praise God for giving me a taste of this peace!  I hope it lasts.

The One Year Mark

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of trying. 

My husband and I hit that one year mark just over a month ago, and I still cannot say the word infertility out loud in reference to us.  Hitting that mark was mostly devastating, but there was also a small dose of comfort.  It felt devastating because I realized that we were almost certainly not going to "just get pregnant."  There is a reason the medical community defines infertility as trying for a year - it's because if it has been that long, something is wrong.  It's as simple as that.  In one frustrating day I moved from just trying to conceive to this horrible label of infertility.  I went from optimistically thinking that any month now I would be pregnant to knowing that unless we figure out what is going on and manage to get it treated, my odds of getting pregnant in any given month are very, very slim.

Hope versus The Odds

What is frustrating to me is that even with this knowledge that it almost certainly cannot happen until something changes, I still get hopeful that this will be it.  Every month I tell myself that this time I will truly hold my emotions at bay, and this time I will not expect anything and will therefore not deal with the sadness and disappointment.  After all, if I can just keep myself from hoping, I won't be so devastated, right?

Well, one problem with that plan is God.  God makes it impossible for me to lose hope.  After all, God is the one who creates all life and who gives the gift and blessing of children.  I know this, and I know that God loves me, so every month, even if I know that statistically speaking my chances are slim to none, I pray to God and ask him for a baby, and then when I do not get one, I am surprised.  Every time.  I know that God not giving me what I want should not be surprising, but I have such faith in God's goodness and love for me that I keep thinking that it will happen and God will answer my prayers.  I think that maybe he was just trying to teach me patience, and maybe I've learned enough for him.  Maybe he was just waiting for the perfect timing and maybe its here.  I cannot see into the thoughts of God, so I have no idea when he will answer my prayers.  But every month I manage to rationalize a reason why God is probably going to answer my prayers with that YES that I so long for.

While hope in God is usually a great thing, in this context I hate it.  I know that sounds terrible, but it is true.  I sometimes feel that it would be easier if I had no reason to hope, because then I would not get these hopes up and I could avoid such crushing, recurring disappointment.   But I do know God, and I do know he loves me, and so I do hope, even when I try to remain realistic.

So how do I handle this conundrum? How do I balance my hope and faith in God with the fact that it probably is not going to happen this month?  I have no idea, but each month is a fresh opportunity for me to try a new approach. 

Dealing with the Label

Along with hitting that lovely one-year-mark comes another issue.  As much as I run from it, that term infertility is probably not going anywhere.  We could still get pregnant this summer, but more likely we are going to struggle with testing, doctors appointments, expensive treatments, and so on for at least a little while if not much longer.  So I struggle with the fact that only two people in my life other than my husband have any idea that this is going on.  If this is going to be an issue for us, maybe we need support from our families.  Maybe they should know.  But for some reason it is hard for me to figure out how to tell them.  And I do not even know if I want to.

When we started TTC we were firmly in the camp of "This is very personal, and no one needs to know that we're trying until we're 12 weeks pregnant."  I think this would have been my attitude at any time in my life, but especially since I am pretty young to be TTC, I did not want to deal with questions or judgments about our life choices.  We did not start this journey without careful thought, months of waiting, and both feeling ready.  The fact that we are young is not relevant to us, because we are emotionally ready and financially able to take care of a child.  I knew that people would question our judgment, and I did not want to deal with that.

But now that a year has passed and this dumb infertility label has shown up, I have no idea how to approach the topic, and I still do not know if I want to approach it.  It seems horribly weird and awkward to bring it up, but it also seems weird to not have people know.  Any other medical issues that J or I have are shared with our families, so omitting this one feels almost deceitful.  But I think a part of me is still afraid that the judgment I feared initially might still be there.  And what I absolutely do not want to hear is how we are young and we have plenty of time.  Time will not fix this if nothing else is done.  Also, even though I know we have lots of time, I am still sad and struggling.  My life dream was to be a mom of a large family.  I wanted at least eight kids, and I wanted to have them while I was young and have lots of energy.  Even though I know that we will still have children one way or another, I feel this dream slipping away from me.  I find it very hard to believe that we will have that many children, and I am saddened at the potential loss of my dream family.



So these are two of the issues that passing the one-year-mark has brought to the surface for me.  I hate labels, and this one is my least favorite of all.  I am still in the process of figuring out how to deal with it.

Trusting Through the Testing

One thing that has taken me completely by surprise while trying to conceive is the extent to which this aspect of my life has impacted my faith life.  During the first year of trying each month that we did not get pregnant was a disappointment, and each month I would look forward to the next month and say, "Well, this month must have not been God's timing.  Maybe next month will be when he wants to bless us with a baby!"  And while it was a hard, frustrating year, that was generally good enough to keep me looking forward and trusting in God.  As we approached that one year mark, however, I became more and more upset with God.

This is not the first struggle I have faced in my life, and this is not the first time I have expected God to do something for me that he has not done.  There were several times in my teenage years when I was not very happy with "God's will" because it so clearly did not line up with what I wanted.  But I always held on to this certainty that maybe God was closing certain doors in my life because he had something better in mind.  I think the reason that this TTC journey is different is because getting married and having a family was the something better that I had been picturing all these years.  God speaks so strongly in the Bible about what a blessing children are, I know for sure that he desires good things for his people, and I don't think there is anything better and more pleasing to God than having kids and raising them to know and honor him.  What could possibly be the something better in this situation?

Everything I know about God, everything I've witnessed about Christian family, I just find it hard to believe that the reason that we do not have a baby yet is because God has something better in mind.  What could that possibly be?  What could be better than two people who love each other, who love God, who try to put God first in their lives, and who desire nothing more than to raise their children to fear and love God as well having a family?  I just do not understand.  I have also been told throughout my whole life that God knows the desires of your heart, and that he places them there for a reason.  And so I am left to try to figure out why God has not blessed us with a baby yet if indeed he desires us to have children.  Obviously it is not too late.  I still think it is very likely that we will have kids.  We are very young, and the chances are that whatever the problem is we can fix.  So it could be that God fully intends to give us the family we dream of, but he just wants to teach us something first.   But then if that is the case, it feels like this whole situation must be my fault, because clearly I do not trust God enough, or I try to control my own life too much, or some other sin or flaw that God wants to improve in me first.  That sounds like a punishment of kinds to me, though, and I do not believe that God is like that.

So I am just left very confused and frustrated.  I usually go to church on Sunday and come away sad, not just because we don't have a baby and I see all the adorable, happy little families at church, but also because all those people at church are praising and honoring God for how wonderful and good and powerful and loving he is.  And I know they are right, and I know I should be happy and recognize all the wonderful blessings in my life, but because I do not have this one blessing, I just do not feel that happy.

Although it is still very much a process and a journey, recently God has been slowly and calmly revealing himself to me in small ways that reassure me and remind me that ultimately, God is good, he does love me, and it is going to be okay in the long run, even if I do not understand how now.

Yesterday I received a letter from my Grandma in the mail.  She was responding to my worries about searching for a job and about J's leg, which has been hurting lately and which is another story entirely.  She did not know about our struggle with TTC, but her words were wonderfully applicable anyway.  She shared these verses from 1 Peter, which she said helped her when she was going through trials earlier in her life.

1 Peter 1:3-7

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

I can see why these verses gave her hope, especially the bold ones.  The first portion reminds us that our hope is not in things or futures that we see for ourselves, but in the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which gives our lives meaning and purpose.  When Peter says "though now for a little while... you have been grieved by various trials" he reminds us that our time on earth is temporary and is not the big picture.  The most precious thing we have is our faith, which is what enables us to give praise and glory to Christ.  

It can sometimes be hard for me to apply this idea of "testing" to not having a baby, but I try to remember all the characters in the Bible who struggled to have children, and the way God loved them and eventually provided for them.  Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Hannah, Zachariah and Elizabeth, and I'm sure there were more.  In all of these cases faith was strengthened and God did eventually give children.  I have only been waiting for a year or so.  No one knows how long Hannah prayed to God before he answered her prayer.  For now I do believe that one way or another, God will answer my prayers.  

This doesn't make the journey any less hard.  I still hate waiting, I'm still impatient, and I still have bad days where it takes every ounce of energy and effort to continue to believe that God will hear my prayers.  I have days where it feels so much easier to just forget about God and tell myself that bad things just happen for no reason at all.  And that is also true.  We do live in a fallen world, and there are many bad things that happen for no other reason apart from sin and general imperfection.  But that does not mean that God cannot work good into a broken situation.  And God will daily give me the strength to remember this. 

*I want to thank anyone who has stayed with me and read the whole thing.  I am incredibly impressed.  I apologize for my long-windedness.  If you leave a comment I will thank you personally.* 

Waiting

I hate waiting.

Impatience

I have often told my husband that I am the least patient person I know.  I epitomize impatience.  There are two kinds of patience.  The first kind is patience with people- being able to handle frustrating situations or people with kindness and not getting upset or angry.  This kind is actually something I do well.  The second kind of patience is the kind that I do not seem to possess.  It is waiting for things to happen without losing it.  Like I said, I hate waiting.

For at least six weeks before we became engaged I am sure I proposed to J every day.  I wanted to be engaged so badly!  I knew we were going to get married, and we had even talked about when, but I just wanted all of my family and friends to know that we were getting married.  I wanted our relationship to be taken as seriously by the rest of the world as we took it.  And I was excited about entering a new stage of our relationship.  Thankfully, I think that J has both my and his share of patience.  Every time I asked him to marry me, he would say, "Hey, I'm going to ask that question," or something to that effect.  It was adorable.

At the time I thought that waiting for that ring was the hardest thing I've ever had to wait for.  I thought that those months of knowing he was going to propose but not knowing when would kill me.  But they did not, and looking back with the experiences of the past few years under my belt, that waiting experience was nothing, easy, a piece of cake compared with what was to come.  It is one thing to wait for something you know will happen eventually.  It is another thing to wait for something when you do not know if it will ever happen.

Waiting Impatiently

Right now there are two main things I am waiting for.  One is much, much harder to wait for than the other, but they are both tearing me up inside.  I just graduated from college a month ago, and I am waiting to get a job.  In a perfect world I would be teaching high school math in a Lutheran school starting in August.  In the real world I just need a 40hr a week job that pays money, and if I could teach and use my degree at all, that would be great.  I have been applying for jobs since March and I just got my first phone interview a few days ago.  The interview is next week, so it's still a waiting game.  And the goal of that interview is just to get to the second interview so that maybe I can be considered for a position.  At this point I will take anything I can get, but my biggest fear is that August will come around, my current job will end when we move, and I will have nothing to do and no way to make money.  J is going to seminary starting this fall, so while he can work full time, I am supposed to be the bread-winner for a few years.  I feel this immense amount of pressure and yet I have no way of making sure I get a job.

The other thing I am waiting for is a baby.  We have been trying to have a baby for over a year now, and I have been wishing and hoping to start a family since long before then.  I know that we are young, but my dream has always been to get married and start a family right away in my very early 20s.  We waited almost a year after we got married to start trying, and a year later we are nowhere.  We have both started the process of seeing our doctors and trying to diagnose what the problem might be, but it is a long, expensive, and so far inconclusive process.  I know it will only get worse in the next few months.

When I think about why it is so much harder to wait for these things than it was to wait for J to propose there is one obvious answer that jumps out at me.  Like I mentioned before, it is much harder to wait for something when there is no timetable.  If I could know for sure something like "by the end of 2013 you will definitely have a child" then I would still be horribly impatient, but I would be calmer and happier, because I would know that this would happen for me.

Trusting God

Here are two things I know with absolute certainty.

• God loves me.  If he loves me enough to send his son to die for me, then I know that he cares about my happiness.  
• God will always provide for my needs.  Not only does God tell us this in his Word (Matthew 6:25-34) but I know this from experience.  Throughout our college years God has provided for J and I in some incredible, unpredictable, and wonderful ways.  (I may share some examples in a later post.)

This knowledge does help me relax about not knowing if I will have a job or not.  God has gotten us through some tight financial spots before, and I know that he will take care of and provide for us while J is at seminary.  While I would love to know for sure that we will have a good income and be able to pay off our loans right away, it is enough for me to know that all I need to do is fill out applications, work as hard as I can to get a job, and God will take care of the rest and place me exactly where he wants me to be this fall.  

I wish I could say that these two facts I know held any reassurance that I will have a baby soon.  I know that God loves me and wants me to be happy, but when I do not feel happy, this knowledge is not as comforting as I know it should be.  I hate the fact that the struggles of my Trying To Conceive journey have spilled over into my spiritual life, but they have.  I know that babies are a gift from God, and I know that God tells us to have babies.  It is incredibly difficult for me to understand why we do not get to be one of the couples who gets married and gets pregnant within the first year or so.  It just seems like such a wonderful, natural rhythm, and while so many young couples I know are surprised when this blessing happens to them, I actually expected and desired it.  So why am I the one who does not get it?  

There will be more to come on this topic soon. 

Hello, World

Welcome to my blog!

I have thought about blogging for a few years now, but I have never had the courage to do it.  From the age of ten I have loved writing down my thoughts, activities, struggles, joys, and ideas in my journals, but I have always considered the internet to be too public a place to share one's personal thoughts and struggles.  I do not know where this urge to share publicly has come from, and I do not really know what I hope to accomplish from this blog.  I know nothing about blogging, but I am willing to learn, so here we go!

As the title of the blog suggests, my theme will be learning to trust God.  I feel that this is the single greatest lesson I must learn right now in my own life and faith-walk, and I hope that this blog might be of benefit to me in my relationship with God.  If it can help anyone else along the way, that would be wonderful.  I have always hated those blogs, Facebook posts, or other public rants where people complain about all the negative things in their life.  I am firmly resolved that this blog should never become a place like that.  My goal is that each post, while it may contain stories of struggles, will also highlight hope, peace and joy that can be found in Christ even during the hardest of times.  No matter how sorry I may feel for myself, or conversely no matter how happy I may be, the focus should always be on Jesus Christ, what He has done for me, and how I can best serve Him in my present situation.  I hope and pray that my life may reflect that truth.