2013

What a year it has been! I think I can safely say that 2013 was the best year of my life. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, but looking back on everything I cannot believe how incredibly blessed I am.

This year started in uncertainty. We wanted to start a family so much but were unsure how to pursue that goal. In December of 2012 we had learned that having a baby naturally was highly unlikely for us. We decided not to do IVF even though our fertility doctor recommended it as the best option. This left us with Clomid or adoption as our options. In January of this year we decided to try Clomid for a month or two and then start the adoption process if we didn't get pregnant. We fully expected to be adopting by the end of January.

In February we got an incredible surprise when that first test showed up with two lines. 2013 has exceeded all my wildest expectations and hopes! I was blessed with a very smooth pregnancy and an uncomplicated natural labor and delivery. And on October 21st, my world changed forever when my beautiful daughter was born.

Looking back I cannot believe how well this past year has gone. I could not be happier or more blessed. God is very good!

January 2013

February 2013

March 2013

April 2013 

May 2013

June 2013 

July 2013 

August 2013 

September 2013 

October 2013 

November 2013

December 2013 

What I've Learned: God's Faitfulness

As I look back over the past year of my life I can't help but be amazed and how blessed I am. If you asked me what "best case scenario" would be last Christmas, I probably would have described exactly what transpired over this last year. We got pregnant on our very first medicated cycle; how very fortunate we were! And Charis is such a wonderful blessing! There are no words to describe the love and joy that we feel to have her in our lives. What a gift.

I've been thinking lately about what I've learned through this past year and the experience of infertility over the past few years. I've been trying to think about on what I've learned about God, about trusting him, and how my faith has grown through this. It is very hard to put my finger on. It would be easy to say that I have learned to trust God even when I don't see why certain things happen because He has a perfect, better plan that is better than anything I can ever imagine. That would be easy, and you might believe it. But I don't think I would. Because the truth is, I am so grateful for Charis, but there are other things going on in my life, and I knew the future will hold other struggles, and those struggles are still hard. It is still hard for me to feel peaceful and trusting and content about every aspect of my life. I still desire to control things and wish that I could have things exactly my way. And I don't know why infertility happened to me. I don't exactly see why it was necessary. While I trust God to love me and care for me, I don't think that everything in my life will be the way I want it to be all the time. And I am still learning to trust that God's plan will be better than my plan, because my plans always sound really great to me at the time. 

It is almost a Christian cliche, the idea that if you pray enough, wait long enough, have enough faith, etc. then God will give you whatever you are asking for. I think that having faith in God's providence and care for you, praying to him for the desires of your heart, and waiting patiently are all great things. I think God wants us to do those things. But I know that we will never have faith, wait patiently, or trust in God perfectly. We will never have enough faith or pray fervently enough to deserve anything from God. We cannot make God act. God chooses to act. God does know what is best for us, sometimes it is what we thought we wanted and sometimes it is not, and sometimes bad things happen just because and there is no reason for it at all.

The good news is that God knows that we will never trust him perfectly, he knows that our faith can always be stronger and we can always be more patient. His Holy Spirit living in us is what allows our faith to grow and our patience to increase. The good news is that even when our faith is not strong and when we doubt, God is faithful anyway. God loves us and desires to bless us, and he does so despite our imperfect faith, impatience and doubts.

I think that is what I have learned: even when I am not faithful, even when I do not trust God the way I should, God is always faithful. His love and the way he has blessed me this past year is overwhelming.

As it is Advent, I was listening to a sermon recently about Zechariah. That account from Luke 1 simply blows me away, and I think summarizes what I've learned in this journey about God. In this story Zechariah and Elizabeth are childless, and long to have a child. While Zechariah is serving in the temple , God sends Gabriel, an angel, to tell Zechariah that Elizabeth will have a son. Their son will be John the Baptist, who will prepare the way for Jesus' ministry. When Zechariah hears that God has heard their prayer and is going to answer it, he does not believe it. He doubts God's faithfulness. We've all done that in our own lives, and I know I've been there over the course of this journey. But notice what happens next... God still blesses Zechariah. God doesn't say, "Fine, you didn't believe me. You doubted my love. Your faith is lacking. No kid for you." Sure, Gabriel points out Zechariah's lack of faith, and Zechariah is unable to speak until the baby is born. But God still gives them a baby! God is still faithful to Zechariah despite Zechariah's doubts and unfaithfulness.

And another note about Zechariah and Elizabeth, check out Luke 1:6-7: "And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.  But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years." The Bible says that Zechariah and Elizabeth were righteous and blameless before God - it wasn't anything they did wrong that caused their infertility, it wasn't a lack of faith that kept them from having a baby, and the reason that they had no child had nothing to do with God or them. The Bible just says that they had no child because Elizabeth was barren. Things just happen. And although it seemed to take forever, and ultimately Zechariah and Elizabeth gave up hope, God was faithful to them and chose to bless them with a child. 

This story doesn't just apply to infertility. We all have things that we ask God for, things that we feel are missing in our lives, and we all struggle with trusting God at times. We want things to be the way we want them to be. But even when we are not faithful, God always is. And even though that may mean an answer to our prayer today, or it may not, we can rely on God's faithfulness. 

Baptized into Christ

Charis was baptized this past Sunday, November 24th. What a beautiful, miraculous moment that was! 

Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14) We believe that in the waters of baptism God sent his Holy Spirit to work faith in Charis' heart so that she can have a saving faith and relationship with her heavenly Father even before she is old enough to understand what that means. After all, we all have flawed understanding and none of us can do anything to participate in our salvation. It is indeed a wonderful blessing that God promises to be with us from the moment of our baptism on, giving us confidence in our salvation in a way that we could never be confident if having faith was "up to us" or something we had to do. 

I have been looking forward to the moment Charis would be baptized since before I knew I was expecting her. Baptisms are such powerful events that I have always teared up when seeing infants baptized in church - I couldn't wait to share that moment with my own children and start on that path of helping my child discover their faith and learn about God. 

Jonathan and I are both very excited about teaching Charis about God and what Jesus has done for her, and reminding her of God's gifts and promises to her in her baptism as she grows older. As we talked about baptism and how we hope to raise Charis and any future children, we both agreed that we hope to make a big deal about our children's baptismal birthdays. After all, baptism is a big deal and should be celebrated! One's baptismal birthday is in many ways more significant than one's actual birthday. On her birthday Charis was born into a sinful world already a sinner, already separated from God for all eternity. The only hope for her was Jesus Christ and the fact that He came and died and rose for her that she could live with Him for all eternity. In her baptism, Charis died to her old sinful self and was re-born into Christ. Still a sinner, but also a saint, also one who is redeemed and one with a saving faith in Jesus and what he has done for her. We were all designed to be in a relationship with God. On her baptismal birthday Charis was born into who she was designed to be. That is worth celebrating! 

As we were talking about the ways we might celebrate or commemorate our children's baptismal birthdays, we discussed whether it would be a good occasion to mark with presents. The two best days in a kid's life tend to be Christmas and their birthday, because on these days they get presents! Presents seem to be the way our culture marks days and holidays as significant and important. I thought about giving presents for baptismal birthdays, but not only does that not seem practical (and honestly the thought of another day of the year to bring stuff into my home makes me cringe - I'm already somewhat dreading the takeover of stuff and toys that will probably mark the next era of my life if I'm not careful), but it also doesn't seem right to me that presents and acquiring more material possessions are necessary to mark a day as special. That's not how I want to raise my kids. Don't get me wrong, I do love to get presents on my birthday, and I love presents at Christmas, but that's plenty! 

After some consideration, we came up with an alternative to presents that will hopefully help us mark these days as special. We are thinking of celebrating baptismal birthdays with family outings or other fun, family events. Something like a trip to the zoo, putt putt golfing, laser tag, going to a movie, or another fun activity that the whole family can enjoy and that will still be something we do not always have the opportunity to do. I know we have a while to figure these things out, but it's good to start thinking ahead. And of course, we will both strive to remind Charis of her baptism daily, not just once a year. After all, no other day in her life will ever be more significant. 

Praise God for all His blessings to us and our little girl! 

Birth Story

I went back and forth many times about posting this. I struggled with whether or not sharing my birth story was "over-sharing" or not. It doesn't get much more personal than giving birth, and I have always been somewhat uncomfortable with talking about personal things. But at the same time I love reading other women's birth stories. Having a baby is one of the most significant, special moments in a person's life, and of course I would want to share that. Also, I find reading others' birth stories to be beautiful, so I assume that some people out there feel the same way.

Looking back on the day my daughter was born, it was both the hardest and the best day of my life. How is that possible? Well, anyone who has had a baby will probably understand. At the time I was going through pregnancy and labor I didn't want to share any details with hardly anyone - it was just too personal. But now that it's in the past, I feel more comfortable with it. So I decided to post a "cleaned up" version of my story. I left out many of the more graphic details, but I still caution you - if you're uncomfortable with birth stories, obviously you should skip reading this post.

My Daughter's Birth Story

Saturday, October 19^th

I worked my full 9-hour day on Friday, but wrapped up everything I had going on at work, hoping that it would be my last day in the office. I was feeling pretty good, so I told my co-workers that I was planning not to be back the next week, but if I still felt this good, I might come in on Monday and Tuesday. I had an appointment on Wednesday, so I was planning not to work that day or from that point on.

I was having contractions throughout the day on Saturday, but they were not painful, so I thought they were still just pre-labor contractions like I had been having off and on for weeks. These were a little stronger though, and were accompanied sometimes by cramps, which was new. I was feeling so poorly by the evening that we weren’t sure if we would make it to church on Sunday.

Sunday, October 20^th

I woke up in the morning around 1:30am with stronger contractions than I had felt before. And the crampy feelings were getting very painful. I watched the clock as I lay in bed, and after about 40 minutes I realized that I couldn’t sleep through these, and they were coming only five minutes apart or so. They weren’t consistent, but the longest interval in that time frame was seven minutes. I woke up Jonathan and told him what was going on. After we timed them for another half hour or so, he convinced me to call my doctor and ask about them, since they had been coming five minutes apart for over an hour. I called the exchange, and they connected me with my OB, who was fortunately on call. She said to keep timing them, and if they got stronger and were consistent for a while longer, I could go to the hospital. We tried to sleep some more, but I couldn’t sleep through them at all, and they were getting more painful. I got in the shower and they sped up to two to three minutes apart and continued to get more painful. We ended up going to the hospital around 6am.

When we got to the hospital we went to triaging and they monitored the baby for a while. She was doing really well, and when I was checked I was three centimeters dilated and 90% effaced. They told me I could walk around for an hour and they would re-check me at 7:30. We walked around between contractions, with me leaning on the wall and waiting for each one to pass while Jonathan rubbed my back. I was feeling them in my lower back the entire time. When they re-checked me, they said I was four centimeters, and they admitted us and moved us to a Labor and Delivery room.

While in the triaging room I found out that I had tested positive for GBS. My doctor must have forgotten to mention that to me, and I must have forgotten to ask about it, because I didn’t know until the nurse said that it was in my chart. That meant that I would have to have antibiotics during labor, which had to be administered through an IV. I had really hoped to avoid an IV, so I was very disappointed, and also frustrated with myself for forgetting to follow up and ask about the results to that test. Fortunately, because of my penicillin allergy, they had to give me a different drug than the one usually administered, and the one they gave me only had to be given every eight hours during labor, as opposed to every four hours with the standard drug. They allowed me to do intermittent monitoring and administered the antibiotic during the first round of monitoring so that I would be able to disconnect the IV and move around as soon as it was administered.

While getting my IV, the anesthesiologist stopped in to see me. I was planning to go all natural, but he came anyway to talk about options just in case I changed my mind. As a young teenager I had back surgery to correct Scoliosis, and I have a long spinal fusion and rods in my back. I showed the anesthesiologist my x-rays and after looking at them for a few minutes he said that he would not give me an epidural. With how low my rods extended and all the scar tissue that was there, he thought it very likely that it would not work, or that there would be complications. He said that if I ended up needing an emergency C-section, he would attempt to do a spinal, but if that didn’t work it would have to be general anesthesia. At this point it didn’t bother me too much to know that I couldn’t have an epidural, because I had been planning to go without anyway.

We alternated between walking around the hospital and using the exercise ball for hours as the contractions kept coming. They were still coming around 3 minutes or so apart at this point and were very consistent. Around 1pm my doctor arrived and checked me. She said I was still only four centimeters. She wanted to start pitocin to help get things going, but I told her that I would not be able to have an epidural and was therefore afraid of the stronger, more painful contractions that I heard accompany pitocin. She agreed that in that case she would not recommend that route, and said that my other option was to go home. She said the contractions were not strong or painful enough to dilate all the way and that they might peter off or they might get stronger, but at this point they weren't strong enough for me to stay in the hospital if I wasn't progressing.

I went home. We got home around 2:30pm and I laid down with a heating pad and tried to take a nap. I may have gotten an hour or two of sleep in between the contractions. They slowed down to every 20 minutes or so, but never went away. I didn't know if our baby girl would still be born soon, or if the contractions would stop and I’d have to wait for days longer. It was stressful, and on top of that my doctor had told me that the contractions would have to be much, much more painful, which was scary since I was already in so much pain with each one.

Jonathan and I tried to go to bed Sunday night, but by 11:30pm the contractions were coming every 5 minutes again and I knew for sure that this was different. They were so much more painful than they had been earlier that day that I couldn't keep from crying out with each one. I tried getting in the shower, but they were so painful and coming so close together that the shower did nothing to alleviate the pain. I could barely stand up through them anymore.

Jonathan quickly re-packed the car and we went back to the hospital. We were admitted again just a few minutes after midnight.

Monday, October 21^st

When we were admitted I was five centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. I spent the next two or three hours on a birthing ball, with my head resting on the bed between contractions. I was so tired I could hardly think, and the contractions were so much more painful than they had been earlier in the day. They were coming so close together that I felt like I didn’t get much of a  break between each one. Jonathan sat there behind me the whole time rubbing my back and saying encouraging things. I didn’t have energy to acknowledge him, but having him there was very comforting. My water broke sometime around 2am. Around 3am or so my nurse checked me again and I was seven centimeters. I was glad to be making progress, but I didn’t know how I could possibly survive at this rate until we got to ten. I don’t know what would have happened if an epidural had been an option for me – I might very well have asked for one at some point. I hope I would have resisted the temptation, but I can't say that I would have with any confidence. They did offer to give me other pain medication through an IV, but I asked if there were side effects for the baby, and they said it would make her sleepy. I said I would see if I could go without, and I’m glad I didn’t give in, but I seriously considered it.

At this point my nurse suggested I get in the shower. I’m so glad she was there to make me do it, because it helped a lot. It didn’t really help with the pain, but I went from seven to ten in about an hour and a half or so in the shower. At that point I felt the urge to push, so I got out of the shower and went back to the bed. The nurse never told me not to push, she said I could go right ahead and she got on the phone and got everyone in the room as fast as she could. Thankfully, I only had to push for 45 minutes or so. My doctor got there about five to ten minutes before our daughter was born.

Those 5½ hours from midnight to 5:30am were easily the hardest hours of my life. Jonathan and my nurse kept reassuring me that I was doing really well, that my daughter would be here any minute, and that they could see her head, etc. I don’t think I processed any of that. I hardly knew what I was doing. But Jonathan tells me that the second that she was born it was like a switch was flipped – my face changed from one expressing sheer pain to the happiest he’d ever seen me. I think my first joyful thought on seeing her was she’s out; that means I’m not in labor anymore! Thank God, I’m done!  But instantly following that thought I really saw her, and she was so beautiful, so perfect, even all slimy and messy. They wiped her off quickly and gave her to me and I was able to hold her for the next hour and a half or so. I hardly noticed what happened next, because I had my beautiful daughter in my arms. She had so much dark hair, and she looked so much like Jonathan! We were both in love instantly.

After they were done stitching me up, the nurse helped me get her into position and start breastfeeding. She did very well at that, and I fed her for 30 minutes or so. They let me hold her while they gave her her shot and eye ointment, and she did so well with all of that. Eventually they took her and gave her a bath, but I could still see her from my bed and watched. One of the most amazing things was that while she was crying during the bath, if Jonathan or I talked to her she calmed down right away. It was so obvious that she knew our voices.

Our daughter was born at 5:36am, 6lbs, 1oz, and absolutely beautiful after over 27 hours of completely natural, medication-free labor. I can't take credit for any of that, though. She is a beautiful, miraculous gift from God, and the fact that I made it through those 27 hours on only a few hours of sleep - I can only thank God that I survived that as well.

I also have to be thankful in a strange way for my back surgery and for the anesthesiologist who refused to give me an epidural. Having that option off the table helped me resist the temptation to take the pitocin when my doctor suggested it. Clearly I didn't need it, as I gave birth all on my own about 14 hours after it was offered.  I really did want to go all-natural, and considering how very hard it was, I'm glad that it was really my only option because I very well might have had a much different, more complicated story otherwise. God really does know what He is doing!

Due Dates and Frequently Asked Questions

I made it to my due date! Jonathan and I are very excited to meet our little girl very, very soon! It's a little hard to wait, not knowing exactly when she'll get here, but I do know for sure that it will be soon. I am 99% sure she'll be here sometime in the next two weeks, and I will finally get to hold her and see her face, and see the look on Jonathan's face when he holds her for the first time. I've honestly never been so excited for anything in my life, and sure, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't impatient. But I'm working to maintain perspective here. I've been waiting for this little girl for three years, most of that time not knowing if or when she would ever come. And I've been waiting for her knowing that she would come for almost nine months. So waiting for one or two more weeks, being absolutely certain that she will show up any day - not that hard in the grand scheme of things. It will happen!

As anyone who has ever been pregnant knows, in the month before (and for 50% of women days after) your due date, you get asked a lot of the same questions over and over again. So I thought I'd do an FAQ blog post, and answer all those questions in one swing.

Q: When is the baby coming? Do you think she'll be here soon?

A: I don't know. How would I know? I found this great website though, with what looks like a very objective, scientific and statistically significant study on when babies usually come. Check out the whole site for more fascinating statistics on when babies come, but here is a page bookmarked with my due date and odds of having a baby in the coming days.

When Will Baby Petzold Come?

Note that there is a 56% chance of her coming within the next week, but that does mean that there's a pretty high chance that she'll take even longer than that. 

Q: How do you feel?/When do you feel like she'll be born?

A: I feel great, normal, and not that tired or uncomfortable. I've been feeling pretty good these past few weeks. What a blessing! I've had a really easy pregnancy, and I can't complain at all. I don't feel anything that makes me thing she'll be born any time soon, but that doesn't mean she couldn't come any time! I hope she does come soon! I can't wait to meet her! 

Q: How long will "they" let you go before they induce?

A: Whoever this "they" is, I'm not going to be induced unless I think it's medically necessary. And that will have nothing to do with the date on the calendar. That's just how I feel about it. My doctor asked me if I wanted to be induced and I said no, so she said that was fine, and we didn't have to schedule an induction. I had a non-stress test yesterday, and she is doing very, very well in there. She passed the test with flying colors, and there is no reason to worry about anything at this point. I have another appointment next Wednesday, and we'll just keep waiting until either A. she comes on her own, or B. something serious happens that makes it medically necessary to do something different. We're praying for option A, obviously! She's still growing, her heartbeat is great, and both she and I are doing really well, so if she wants to wait another few weeks, that's her choice. :) 

Q: Are you ready?

A: This question has two possible meanings, so I'll answer them separately. 

Do you mean am I ready practically speaking? Yes! Do you know me? I'm Christa. I've been ready since 37 weeks, you know, just to be safe! The crib is set up, the car seat is installed, all her clothes and blankets are clean and neatly folded in her dresser. Her closet is organized. We have a mountain of diapers in various sizes and everything I can think of that we need. Of course, I'm sure something will come up that we didn't expect, but we're prepared for that to happen. (And I might add... all the tiny pink clothes are adorable, and I can't wait for her to get here so she can see them and use all her cute things! I know she won't appreciate them as much as I do... but that doesn't matter!) We're also stocked up on groceries, the apartment is pretty clean, and I've been trying to keep up on laundry. We're in good shape here! 

Or did you mean am I ready to be a parent and take care of an infant and have my life change in one of the most significant ways it ever will? Well, probably not entirely, but I feel like we're as ready as anyone is. I have been waiting and daydreaming about this day for three years at least, probably more. And I know there's no way to really be ready for something this big, something this significant, or something this important. But I feel like I'm as ready as I'll ever be! 

Also, even though people don't usually ask me, Jonathan is really ready too! He is every bit as excited as I am, and it's so much fun to be excited with him! He told me today that every time his phone rings he gets really excited because he hopes it might be me and his daughter might be coming. Aww! :) I absolutely cannot wait to see him with her! 

Q: We want a picture! 

A: Okay, fine. :)

And the inevitable follow-up question/comment I always get when I tell people when I'm due or how far along I am...

Q: You look so small! You don't look like you're 40 weeks pregnant! 

A: Yes, yes I know. (And that's not a question!) I've been measuring small my entire pregnancy. I blame my short torso somehow. Do not worry; Baby is measuring just fine and growing consistently! And I don't feel that small, so... 

If you have a question that you don't see answered here there are two possibilities. Either it's too personal, and I wouldn't have answered it anyway, or I didn't think of it and I'm sorry! But hopefully this is enough of an update to keep all my wonderful and excited friends and family happy while they wait with us for the next day or two or five or ten or...

I love you all!

30 Weeks

As of Thursday this past week, I'm officially 30 weeks pregnant.

Taken at 29 weeks.

On many days I still can't believe this is happening for me. How can such a wonderful blessing really be mine? How is it possible that two months from now I could be holding my daughter in my arms? How can God be so good and loving and gracious to me?

I feel her move regularly now, often throughout the day. I don't know if it's just my perception or not, but I feel like she's already developing so much personality! Sometimes I think I feel her foot (or some appendage) pressed up against my side, but when I feel it she immediately pulls it away. She's so sneaky! Every move she makes in there feels adorable to me. I don't know how to describe it, but I already know she's cute because her little movements feel so precious and sweet!

I already love her so much and I just wish there was more I could do for her right now. I know that she's just in there growing, and there's not a lot I can do for her beyond eating well, resting, and waiting for her to be ready to come out, but I just feel like that isn't enough. I feel the need to get everything ready and have it all together before she gets here. Hopefully I can do that! But there is still so much that needs to be done. I need to pick a pediatrician, we need to get her furniture and get the rooms rearranged. There just feels like there's so much to do!

And yet I'm sitting here on a Saturday and I can't call pediatricians because they're all closed on weekends, and we don't have any furniture yet so I can't arrange that... I'm just sitting here, waiting. I definitely feel the urge to nest, but there's nothing I can do today. So I'm just sitting here, feeling her move around in there, waiting...

But as I sit here waiting, I feel so very blessed. God has been so incredibly good to me. I know how much I struggled to understand why before I got pregnant. And I know that I didn't always trust God to answer my prayers. I didn't know if he would give me this incredible gift or not. And I still don't know why. I don't know why we struggled, and I don't know why our prayers were answered. I don't know why I have been blessed in this way while others continue to wait. I know that life is never fair. But today, I am so happy. Today I feel my daughter moving, kicking, poking and prodding at me, and I can't stop thinking of this verse:

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me the desires of my heart." ~ 1 Samuel 1:27

Words fail me. How can I ever express how grateful I am, or how incredibly blessed I feel?

Ask, Seek, Knock

This Sunday in church the gospel reading was Luke 11:1-13. As we read it in church, and during the sermon, I got to thinking a lot about this passage, especially the verses about "Ask and it will be given to you." I feel like this passage has always been hard for me to understand, so I thought I'd take a minute to explore it here.

 Luke 11:1-13

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when he finished, one of his disciples said to him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” ² And he said to them,“When you pray, say:“Father, hallowed be your name.Your kingdom come.³ Give us each day our daily bread,⁴ and forgive us our sins,    for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.And lead us not into temptation.”⁵ And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, ⁶ for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; ⁷ and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? ⁸ I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs. ⁹ And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. ¹¹ What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; ¹² or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

This passage is all about prayer and persistence in prayer.  I know that during our journey through infertility (and even before that in other areas of life) I have been absolutely perplexed by passages like this. I feel like I grew up just hearing verses 9 and 10 in isolation from the rest of the passage and they never made any sense. It sure sounded to me like God would give me anything I asked for. If you add in verses 5-8, it makes it sound like you can wear God down by persistent prayer. Like if you annoy Him enough He will give you whatever you want just to get you to shut up. I never really understood that.

Everyone has heard some variation of this concept - "God always answers prayer one way or another. He either says 'yes,' 'no,' or 'later.'" I never really understood why people said this. Is that supposed to be reassuring? I suppose the intent is to communicate that God always hears every prayer, regardless of whether or not He gives you specifically what you prayed for. And it is important to trust that God knows best and not try to determine for yourself exactly what way in which you expect God to answer your prayer. But the really hard thing about prayer, especially when you feel that your prayers are not being answered, is that at the time and in the moment, there is no way to tell the difference between God saying "no" and God saying "later." How are we supposed to know that? All too often we pray and we pray and we pray for the one thing that we want more than anything else, and all we hear is the absence of that yes that we are waiting for. If we knew for sure that God was saying, "later" it would be much easier to wait! But then we wouldn't have to trust Him.

I think this passage is easier to understand when taken in context. If we look at the beginning, the disciples came to Jesus and asked Him to teach them to pray. Jesus proceeded with the Lord's Prayer, which we all know so well that we sometimes forget to look at it and what Jesus is really teaching here. Jesus doesn't say that we should start with the thing we want most and repeatedly ask God for it over and over and over until we get it (or until we give up and decide that God isn't listening and doesn't care about us). There is so much packed into this prayer that we could really dig in all day, but just looking at two things for now, Jesus prays, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." (I realize that this isn't in this particular recounting, but it is in Matthew's account.) And then He goes on, "Give us this day our daily bread." This is praying for just our bare needs - not what we want more than anything, but what we need. Not "Give us this day cake, ice cream, and all things delicious."

In verse 8 this is reiterated, "Because of his impudence, he will rise up and give him whatever he needs." Not whatever he desires. Whatever he needs. Now we get to, "And I tell you, ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and the door will be opened." And look at the end of the passage - this is the best part. "If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?" This is wonderfully reassuring. It speaks of God's love for us. If we know how to give good things to our earthly children, how very much more God must love us! And the Holy Spirit, which creates saving faith in our hearts, is the ultimate gift that God can give. Surely God loves us very much indeed, and does wish to answer our prayers and give us good gifts. But what He really wants is to give us the greatest gift of all - the gift that Christ died so that we could have - faith in Him and eternal life with Him forever.

I think that's the context for this passage. And in that light "ask and it shall be given to you" and all that makes sense. If God is talking about his Holy Spirit, of course He desires and promises to give it to all of us. But I think that we can also take reassurance from this passage that God desires to give us good things. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above."

This baby that I am carrying is a wonderful gift and a miracle from God. She is also a beautiful and long-awaited answer to prayer. When I was praying every day for God to give me a child, I felt confused at why God would not answer my prayer. Wasn't God the one that told us to have children? Doesn't the Bible only ever talk about children as the greatest blessing? I felt sure that God's will was that I would have children because children and families are God's idea, and part of His design. So I couldn't figure out why God would answer "no" to my prayer. As it turned out God didn't answer "no" forever. But I did need to trust God that even if I didn't ever have my own children, that God would answer my prayer and longing in one way or another. I know that God does love me, I know that He does desire to give me good things, and I know that God loves families. This world we live in isn't perfect, but that isn't God's fault. We did that. It doesn't always make sense, especially when we are in the thick of one struggle or another. But we can count on God's promise that He will be there and He will answer our prayers.

And instead of praying for exactly what we think we need and nothing else, let's echo the disciples and say, "Lord, teach us to pray."

Blessings and Paradoxes

Pregnancy is full of paradoxes.

On one hand I cannot remember ever being happier than I am these days. I love our little one more every day, and I feel closer to her with every little kick and movement and with each ultrasound. She is such a sweetheart already! On the other hand I feel uncomfortable all the time. I understand now why women complain about pregnancy. It's just not always fun!

On one hand I want it to be October NOW! I want her to be born and to get to hold her and see her. But on the other hand I feel like there's no way we'll be ready by October. There's so many things we need and so many things to do.

Whenever I feel the urge to complain I try to remember how much I wanted her and what a wonderful blessing she is. And whenever I start feeling impatient I think about how four months is a very definite and short period of time to wait compared to how indefinite and hopeless waiting to conceive can feel. I know I've heard several women say that they didn't like how with pregnancy you never know when the baby is going to come and it makes it so hard to wait. I'm sure there's truth to that, but compared to never knowing if you're even going to have a baby, waiting for a baby to come is nothing. I mean, she will come eventually! I may not know a day, but I can say with confidence, "She'll be here before November." That is not indefinite at all! (I know I may regret saying that when I'm 30-some weeks pregnant and much more uncomfortable than I am now, but it's still true.)

I may not be in a place quite yet where I can honestly thank God for our struggles with infertility. I may get there someday - I don't know. But I am definitely thankful for the perspective our journey has given me and how much it helps me to not take this blessing for granted. I'm not saying that I've been perfect at this, or that I've never in a moment of weakness complained to Jonathan. I have. But I do know that every single discomfort and every day of waiting is 100% worth it, and I am so blessed to have the opportunity to go through this experience.

This is how I know it will all be worth it:

Look at how beautiful she is! I am so in love already!

Despite every discomfort, I am feeling incredibly joyful and incredibly blessed these days. God has been very good to us!

Half Way There!

This past Thursday marked 20 weeks, which I realize isn't technically the half-way point of pregnancy, but it still counts as the honorary half-way mark. I can't believe how fast time flies! I'm sure that this is just the beginning of feeling this way and time will continue to go by faster and faster, but I am so excited to meet our Little One in October. Words cannot describe my excitement and impatience, and I'm sure it will just get worse!

Also this week, we had our 20 week ultrasound on Tuesday, and discovered that Baby is a little GIRL!!! We are both so thrilled! Of course, we would have been very happy either way, but I think just knowing boy or girl makes me feel closer to her. I love being able to say "she" and "her" and I feel like I know her a little bit better now. It was so exciting to see her on the ultrasound too!

Everything is looking great so far, which is so comforting to hear. She was hiding a bit, though, and the ultrasound tech was not able to see everything she needed to see. Her head was deep down in my pelvis and the tech couldn't see her face or brain and only got a limited view of her heart. So I get another ultrasound in three weeks when I go back for my next appointment. But I'm not worried - there was no indication that anything was abnormal; they just couldn't get a look at everything they like to see. So hopefully Little Girl will show us her beautiful  face at the next appointment. I wonder if she's stubborn, or just shy!

Obviously we weren't able to get great pictures with her hiding like that, but here is the best one we got:

She was measuring on schedule - they couldn't get a length but she was approximately 10 ounces and her heartbeat was 144 bpm. I know she may just look like a baby to the rest of the world, but I think she's absolutely adorable, and I can't wait to meet her! 

Jonathan and I went out today to buy her something cute and pink. It turns out that I am very picky when it comes to shopping for my daughter. (Anyone who has shopped with me shouldn't be surprised - I'm really picky about my own clothes, too!) There are so many tacky, ugly, or just not cute enough clothes out there. All I want is for my daughter to have adorable, comfortable, classy clothes with no tacky messages or cartoon characters. I know I'll find enough clothes for her eventually, though. I just have to keep looking! Here are some cute onesies we did find:

Aren't they sweet? I can't wait to meet my daughter in about 4.5 months! I am feeling incredibly blessed today.

Mother's Day

Today on Mother's Day I just want to take a minute to acknowledge all the women out there for whom this day is especially difficult. I know last year Mother's Day was a very hard day for me, and I know that for many others, Mother's Day can be much, much harder.

Last year Mother's Day came right after the 1 year of TTC mark. It was a hard time, because I knew that having a baby was not happening for us the way it was supposed to, but at that point I had no answers and no idea if it would ever happen, how it would happen, or how long I would have to wait. I know that this year would have been even harder for me if it weren't for our miracle little one that we are expecting.

But some women have been through so much more than I have, and I know my experience is only a taste of what they have been through. Some have lost babies, before or after their birth, and some have been trying or struggling with infertility for many years. There are many reasons why Mother's Day can be a hard day for many women, and I just want to acknowledge that. There is very little that we can do to make this day easier, but for those of us who have been blessed with children, just acknowledging how blessed we are to be mothers does help somewhat. Never take the gift of parenthood for granted.



Since it is Mother's Day today, I also want to acknowledge and thank God for my wonderful mother, who has been an immeasurable blessing in my life. I think about what a wonderful example she has set for me, how much time and energy she poured into raising me, and how she is still to this day always there for me, even when we are hundreds of miles apart. I remember when I was a pre-teen and young teenager living in the fear that I would turn into my mother. Now, I pray that I do. I hope that I can be even close to as good of a mother as my mom is. Mom, I love you!

14 Weeks

I entered the 2nd trimester on Thursday! I can't express how relieved and how much better I feel to be past that 14 week mark. Today I am 14 weeks, 4 days, and I am loving being pregnant! I mean... sure it's uncomfortable sometimes and I'm tired a lot, but I have never been happier or more excited about the future.

On Saturday Jonathan and I were at the mall, and we went to look at the baby things in the department store together for the first time. Oh. My. Goodness. Baby clothes are so very cute! We were hoping to find something adorable and gender-neutral that we could buy the baby, but we didn't see a single item of clothing we thought was truly gender neutral. They were all either too feminine for HIS son, or not adorable enough for our daughter. I am more excited and anxious than ever to find out if we're having a girl or a boy now, so that I can run back to the store and buy something adorable for him/her.

(On an only slightly related note - what is up with the baby outfits that have little smarty sayings on them? Do parents really think it is cute to brag about how attractive they are, how much their kid loves them, etc. by putting messages on their baby? Or maybe I just don't understand. I can't help thinking that clothes with messages on them are tacky, but then that could just be me. I don't have any message T's myself, so that could just be my own style preference. I do feel like it's especially awkward when it's on a baby though, since they so clearly didn't pick it out themselves!)

I have a confession to make - although I've known that I am pregnant for close to three months now, I've still had to work hard at trusting God. My blog is called "Learning to Trust" for a reason, and it is not time to re-name it yet. It is such a process, and I know that it is something that I will be working on my whole life. Even after I found out that God had answered my every prayer and blessed me in this incredible way, I still worried. I worried that something would go wrong, or that the baby wouldn't make it. I felt that it was too good to be true, and I waited for the catch. It was very hard to go in a day or so from feeling that this would never happen to knowing that it had. Now that I'm through the first trimester, it is obviously easier for me to not worry and to trust God that everything will be okay.

I am so glad that God is forgiving, always there for me, and full of grace. I know that throughout life there will always be opportunities to grow in my ability to trust Him. I know I'll never get there, but hopefully with His help, I'll continue to get closer.

You Are Not Alone

There is a reason that I have chosen to share my blog on my Facebook (which as far as I'm concerned, is basically making it public). I tend to be a very private person, and I do not typically share my personal life with those who are not very close family or friends. And even then, I tend to try to hold my emotions in check. I still feel a little uneasy sometimes about how open and vulnerable some of my past posts might be. But this, my struggles with infertility, I really thought needed to be shared. 

I think one of the things that made the past few years so hard for me is how completely unexpected having trouble getting pregnant was to me. I had never really heard about or from couples who struggled to get pregnant, and I understand why. Infertility is usually a very private struggle, and people usually do not feel comfortable talking about it. I know I felt like I couldn't talk about it, and I didn't for the most part. I had one or two friends that I talked to, and a supportive group of online friends, but for a long time I didn't share with my family or most of my friends. Life went on around me, people announced pregnancies, people made comments about babies around us, no one intentionally said anything to hurt me, but it is impossibly hard to be going through something like infertility and know that no one has a clue what you are feeling or how comments, pregnancy announcements, and other completely normal events for everyone else affect you. 

Infertility affects at least 1 in 10 couples. I have heard 1 in 7 before too, but even supposing it's just 1 in 10, that's A LOT! And it's not only couples who waited until they were in their 30s to have kids; we are in our early 20s, and we both have fertility issues. 

I felt that it was very important to share my story, because I know that if the statistics speak the truth, many of my Facebook friends and acquaintances must be dealing with this, probably in silence. If you struggled to get pregnant, are struggling, or even if you're still in that first year of trying and are realizing that it can take month after painful, frustrating month of trying and waiting, I just want you to know that you're not alone! If you ever need anyone to talk to who has been there or understands, I am always available. 

I know that I have been blessed with a wonderful gift to be expecting our Baby, and I treasure and savor every minute of this pregnancy that I waited so long for. One of the things that is so hard for those struggling for infertility to listen to is pregnant women complain about their pregnancy symptoms. Now that I am pregnant, I feel like I understand a little better - pregnancy can be pretty uncomfortable. (And I know all women who have ever been pregnant realize that is a major understatement!) But I still remember what it was like to see or hear pregnancy complaints, and to think that I would give anything in the world to feel that miserable and be pregnant. So I do my best to remember that feeling now. Every time I feel awful from morning sickness, sheer exhaustion, or whatever else, it reminds me of how much I wanted to feel this way, and how many times I begged God to allow me to feel this way. I am beyond grateful to have this wonderful blessing and opportunity. But I do want anyone out there who hasn't gotten their miracle yet and who is struggling through the pain of infertility to know that I know how that feels and that they are not alone. 

"You Knit Me Together"

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13

We had our first ultrasound at 6 weeks, 5 days. We were able to have one so early because our fertility clinic always does an early ultrasound to make sure everything looks good before they refer patients out to an OBGYN. Our baby had only been conceived 4 and a half weeks ago, but already at that ultrasound, we could see a heartbeat. It was a flicker on the screen, but it was clear as day. The doctor didn't even have to point it out to us; we could see it clearly on our own. How amazing that so very early we can already see the baby's heartbeat! It was very special.

Our second ultrasound was almost two weeks ago, at 10 weeks, 6 days (or almost 9 weeks after conception). It was incredible! Baby already looked like a baby, was waving his/her little arms around, kicking and moving around in there, and acting completely adorable. We were told that Baby was measuring 11 weeks, 3 days, and my heart filled with pride to think that my baby was already "four days ahead." Now, I do know that this is really silly... it's perfectly normal for babies to measure a little bigger or smaller and it isn't a problem either way, but I couldn't help it. I would have come away from that ultrasound being proud of Baby for something no matter what. It was just such an amazing experience. After a few attempts (because Baby was so wiggly) the ultrasound tech was able to measure the heart rate - 156 bpm.

Humor me for a minute while I get up on my soapbox...

I can't believe that people can see an early ultrasound like one of these, see a heartbeat, or see an adorable baby kicking and moving all around and somehow think that this baby is not a person. If it isn't a person, what in the world could it be?! I now understand how effective and wonderful it is to be able to show pregnant moms who are not sure if they want to keep their babies ultrasounds so they can see the little person growing inside of them. When I saw my baby, no part of me believed for a second that the baby inside me was part of "my body." That Baby was doing all sorts of adorable things that I had no idea were going on in there. It actually made me feel rather clueless, like, "How can all of that kicking and dancing and wiggling be going on inside me and I have no idea about it?"  It was clearly another, separate, little tiny person living inside me.

I am unashamedly pro-life, as you will probably know if you have read my other posts. Even if I had not been pro-life before, I think struggling with infertility the way I have would have made me realize the value of life and how wanted every baby really is.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as an "unwanted pregnancy" and absolutely no such thing as an "unwanted baby." Allow me to back that up:

• God wants the baby. This is the obvious one. God created that baby. God knit each and every one of us together in our mother's wombs (Psalm 139:13) and regardless of the circumstances surrounding our conception and birth, God desires for every person He has designed and created to be born and to life a life to His glory, because He loves us all.
• The mother (or parents) wants the baby. Admittedly there are times when this is not true. We all know that, otherwise abortions would hardly ever take place. But I think it is sad that at times our society assumes that if perfect conditions did not surround a child's conception then the mother or parents must not want, be excited about, or love their baby. Even if a baby was unplanned, a complete surprise, or even came about after a "mistake" it is hard to carry a child and not love and want that child. We should never assume that a woman who is pregnant doesn't want her baby just because it appears to outsiders to be an inconvenient time in her life for having children. 
• Even if parents do not want a baby, God still loves that child. And, as I know from experience, there are countless couples who want that baby. After going through infertility and coming very close to turning to adoption, I see clearly that every single baby that is born is wanted. And not only is that baby wanted by God, but that baby is wanted by some person or couple somewhere who would give anything to have a baby. 

There just is no such thing as an unwanted baby, and by extension, no such thing as an unwanted pregnancy. No such thing. 

Getting down off the soapbox... Sorry about that, guys! But those are some of my thoughts since our last ultrasound.

To conclude, that ultrasound a few weeks ago was absolutely life-changing! I cannot believe how blessed we are to have this opportunity to have a baby. Over 12 weeks in and Jonathan and I still look at each other regularly and say, "I can't believe this is actually happening. God is so good!" Baby has only been around for 10 weeks or so, and already all his or her little organs are in place and beginning to function and he or she is wiggling and moving around and looking very, very human and adorable. It's crazy to think about, but God must just be very good at what He does.

Our Miracle

I realize it has been a long time since my last post. But it is finally time to share our news. The Clomid and HCG we tried in January worked, and by the grace of God, I feel so incredibly blessed to say these words that I had all but given up hope of saying: I AM PREGNANT!

If you look at my recent posts, you can see that we really did not think this Clomid plan would work. I don't know if the doctor was right or wrong when he gave us an 8% chance, but even if he was off, our baby is nothing short of a miracle. We were absolutely shocked but absolutely delighted when I finally got that positive pregnancy test in February. To tell the truth, we were not sure if we would try this again the next month. We had discussed adoption, thought through strategies for financing adoption, and I had filled out the preliminary application for the adoption agency. We agreed that after this cycle we would mail in the application. I can't believe how amazing God's timing is!

I have just been overwhelmed these past two months by how good, loving, and amazing is our God! I want to say I trusted Him every step of the way, but that would be a lie. Despite my imperfect faith and my imperfect trust, God has chosen to bless us with this incredible gift of a baby. God really is good. Even when we give up, He never does. Words cannot express what I'm feeling, but this I know for sure. God is good. All the time. Regardless of how crazy, dark, or uncertain our lives may seem, God always loves us, and He is always good. This may sound easy to say now, when God has answered my prayers, but honestly, this would be true and is true whether God answers my prayers today, tomorrow, or never. He is good. And He loves us so much! And Jonathan and I are incredibly blessed by His goodness to be expecting our miracle baby in October.

My Prayer

This probably goes without saying, but my husband and I have been praying that God would allow us to start a family for years now. My prayers have evolved, though, over that time-frame. In the beginning the prayer was always that I would be pregnant. Today I pray for a child. I used to pray that my husband and I would make a baby together. Now I pray that we would have a baby to hold and love and raise. I can honestly say in all seriousness that I do not care if I get pregnant or if we adopt. I do not care. I would love any baby that was mine to love, and whether or not we're genetically related doesn't matter. Does this mean that I don't want to be pregnant or that I wouldn't be absolutely ecstatic to be pregnant? No, of course not! I would LOVE to be pregnant more than almost anything! But what I would love even more would be to have a baby. One way or another. However God sees fit to give one.

This month I took Clomid, my doctor did some monitoring, and a few days ago I took an HCG trigger shot to help me ovulate. It's a lot more than we've ever been able to try before. And although it still doesn't give us good odds, I have been more hopeful than I've been any month in a year. I am so excited at just the possibility that this might happen for us and we might have a baby. And getting to be pregnant - that would be a bonus!

But as I've prayed for a baby this month, I find myself asking not "Please let this work and let me get pregnant" but rather "Please help us start our family soon, in whatever way you have planned for us." We have talked about adoption and are going to an information meeting with Bethany Christian Services next week, just to start to educate ourselves and explore possibilities. I have started to get really excited about adopting, and I truly mean it when I say that at this point, any way God sees fit to expand our family is fine with me! Jonathan and I have already decided that no matter what happens in the short term, we really do want to adopt some day. Only God knows what He has in store for us, but I am excited for whatever it is and my prayer is that it will happen soon.

I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers of all my family and friends. If you read this, please pray for us that God would expand our family, that His plan for us would be greater than our plans for ourselves, that we would have some direction and idea of how we will grow our family soon, and of course, that we would be able to be patient in the meantime.

An Apology

I just want to make a brief post regarding my previous post "Embryos are People Too." I did email Dr. Weise, author of the article I discussed and shared my concerns with him. He sent me back a very long and thoughtful reply and encouraged me to talk with him more about my concerns and reactions to the article. I very much appreciate his response and the dialogue that has opened up between us. If I came across as overly harsh in my last post, I do want to correct that. I reacted last weekend out of emotion. The article was actually a very good one, despite my concerns. I certainly do not wish to portray its author as unfeeling, as I now know that this is not the case. 

Embryos are People Too

This morning as I was reading this month's issue of The Lutheran Witness (a magazine published by the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod) I came across an article called "Shaped by God" by Rev. Dr. Robert Weise. There are some things I really liked about the article, but there were also some things that made me pretty livid. I will delve into some of the issues in this post.  This month is the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, so the entire issue was dedicated to life issues. The article was about a topic very much on my mind lately; it dealt with the question "Are embryos in petri dishes really human?" 

Of course, my answer and the author's answer is a resounding "yes!" An embryo is fully human - it has a complete set of human DNA and will grow into a human being if in a woman's womb. The point of the article was that if life begins at conception, it does not matter where conception takes place. Life is life, human life is human life, and all human life must be treated with the same level of respect. The article is about the bioethical issues that today's assisted reproductive technology creates. 

In a nutshell, the problem with IVF from a pro-life perspective is that in the process a set of embryos are created in a petri dish, they are allowed to develop for a few days, and then if they are determined to be "viable" they are implanted. The concern is that a doctor looking at embryos and making a call about which one is stronger or more able to survive and destroying the rest is essentially abortion.  Now, my doctor did tell me that when they say "viable" they mean alive. Most embryos created during IVF will die naturally before they get to implantation. But a doctor is still using his judgement to discern which ones are dead and which are alive. Now, since technically the embryos die on their own, no one has killed them and it's still okay, right? I have heard and completely agree with the argument that in a sense, IVF just simulates about 10 cycles of a woman's body taking place in one month instead of 10. It is likely that almost all women have chemical pregnancies at some point in their lives and never even know about it, so this is not really any different. If I was okay with this concept, then I suppose ethically it's still fine. But a major problem for me comes with what they do with extra, viable embryos if they have more than two or three survive. I am not okay with freezing embryos at all. The freezing and thawing process is harsh, and most of the embryos probably will not make it. Plus, how can you put a human life on hold for years just because you aren't ready for it? I personally cannot reconcile this with my pro-life beliefs. If an embryo is a living human being, we cannot freeze it and thaw it out at our convenience. 

Because my husband and I feel this way about IVF, I had a conversation with my doctor about if there were any ways we could do IVF taking these considerations into account. There were. We do have the choice to do a lower dose of drugs to produce fewer eggs, and then instead of having 10 embryos at the outset of the process we could start with five or six, or even just three. If we started with just three embryos, my doctor said that they can just implant all of them when the time comes, regardless of whether or not they look viable.  If we went with this route we would eliminate the issue of a person selecting. 

It makes me sad that the religious leaders who teach on IVF do not ever acknowledge that there are couples who do this type of thinking or take this kind of approach. In this article the description of how IVF works made it sound like there was only one way of doing this procedure or like the couple involved has no voice or say in how it is done. This is just not the case. 

Although I loved the fact that an article was written about this topic, and I feel that it is very important to educate about these important issues, I feel that the article was written in a very unfeeling way. The words "fertility" or "infertility" were nowhere in the article and the author continually used the phrase "assisted reproductive technology" to describe the practices he was condemning. That may be a correct phrase, but wouldn't mentioning infertility treatments or at least acknowledging that the people who seek out IVF are usually struggling with infertility have been more sensitive? To rub salt in the wound he used the word "parents" to refer to these couples several times! These people want to be parents so very, very badly. Most of them probably do not have kids, and you're already accusing them of being bad parents for considering IVF?! I really think the author had great intentions, and like I said, I agree with him on the science and ethics of it all, but I think the article was written with little-to-no tact. We really need to have people who have struggled with infertility themselves write these kinds of articles. 

Our Choice

I did want to take the time at some point to explain why we have decided not to pursue IVF. What I have said above does cover much of our reasoning. We are not comfortable with doctors determining which embryos are viable and which are not, and we are not comfortable with freezing. As I indicated, we still have a few options to do some low-stimulation IVF without raising these concerns. I certainly do not think that to do so would be ethically wrong. I see no problem with couples that do choose to do IVF by this route, and I certainly do not pass judgement on couples that do IVF. I understand the motivations and I understand the struggles. 

The main reason why I could not bring myself to do IVF is that I couldn't stand to know, for example, that we had five or so embryos at one point and then we only ended up with one baby. Since I believe so fully that life begins and has value from conception I feel that I would see the four embryos that did not make it as losses. To me it feels like planning to miscarry. Because you know that your doctor will never implant five embryos, so you know that some of them are going to die, and that is the plan. I just can't get around that concept, and neither can Jonathan. I know that many women miscarry that early and never even notice. I know that this happens naturally all the time. But there is a difference between something happening that you never knew about and something happening because you planned and intended for it to happen that way. Again, I certainly do not think that all women who do IVF are planning to miscarry or hoping to miscarry, and I do not judge them for that. I understand the reasoning that it is a natural process and no different than what might happen over the course of several months naturally. It is just that for me, I know I could not live with that knowledge. I do not want to conceive babies with my husband and plan for them to not make it. I can't do it. I would rather adopt. 

So that is why we came to the conclusion that we did. And a great deal of that decision has to do with trusting God as well. I trust God that it will not be necessary for me to resort to IVF to parent a child. I believe that He has plans for me that are good and that He will reveal in his own time. Does this mean I am patient? Not at all. But I try. 

To Readers

If you want to know more about our reasons or reasoning about IVF, please do not hesitate to ask. I am more than willing to talk about it. If you were offended by anything I said, I am really very sorry. Please, please, please let me know so that we can talk about it. I certainly never want to be insensitive. I know many women who have done IVF and I promise I have great respect for them and do not think any less of couples who chose this route. 

Also, incidentally the author of this article is a professor here at the seminary my husband is attending. I think I will probably send him an email at some point, so don't think I am talking about him behind his back! I am sure he is a great guy and does not mean to be insensitive.