Why I Decided to Give Up TV

When I saw the line up of celebrities for this season's cast of Dancing with the Stars I was excited. It looks like such a great season. There are even celebrities I have heard of before - including Meryl Davis and Charlie White! Who wouldn't want to watch that? But just before the season premiere, I made a decision to stop watching TV, or at least seriously cut back on my TV time. I love DWTS, and I have watched every season since 2007, but I have decided not to follow this season - because of my daughter.

From the Other Side of Infertility

The title of this post is misleading. I do not know if there is truly an "other side" of infertility. I'm still making up my mind on that one. We were diagnosed with infertility, we went through lots of testing, we tried a couple different treatments, and then, by God's grace and blessing, one of them worked when we were least expecting it. Now we have a beautiful, clever, spunky baby girl who is five months old today. She lights up our lives every single day, and every day when I see her I am reminded of God's goodness and how blessed I am.

So then, the infertility part of my life is over, right? Is it? I don't know. I certainly am happy right now. I certainly have what I wanted. I feel like the past two years changed me significantly. I met so many other women online who were going through the same struggles. I learned what it is like to go through something this hard, what it is like to have people not understand, and what it is like to have no idea what God is doing or where he is. And now I have a baby, so that chapter should be done.


I feel like what I am about to say next I say at the risk of sounding ungrateful, or of leading people to think I am not happy or content with my life right now. I promise, I am incredibly conscious of how blessed I am, hugely grateful, and I've never been happier. But I say this because I want anyone else who has felt this way to know that they are not alone. I say this because I don't think it's fair to women who are still struggling for me to just forget about that part of my life or go on as if it didn't happen.

The part of my life where I struggled with infertility may be over for now, but here are some things that have changed, and that will probably never go back to the way they were before:

It's Not About Baby Wearing

The other day I was out for a walk with my daughter. She was in the stroller, was content, and was happy to look around her at everything. Being an October baby, she hadn't had much of an opportunity to see the outdoors until the past week or so. After what seemed like a winter that lasted forever, it has finally been warm enough to get outdoors comfortably, and we were both enjoying the sunshine.

I walked past another mom, out with her baby, and she was wearing her baby in a carrier. I am almost ashamed to admit that the first thoughts that ran through  my head went something like this, "Oh no, I'm sure she's judging me for having my baby in a stroller and not wearing her! She probably thinks I'm a horrible mother. I wish she knew that I love having my daughter in a carrier, but it hurts my back too much. I wish I could tell her about my back surgery when I was a teenager." And then of course I realized how ridiculous I was being... she was a stranger. She surely doesn't really care about my stroller or my baby-wearing woes, and I'll bet it never occurred to her to judge me either.

Whew! When did I get so insecure and defensive?

Sleep Training - Yes or No?

Our little girl is almost five months old, and we still haven't done any kind of sleep training. Despite the fact that we probably spend more time talking about how to get our daughter to sleep than we do discussing any other topic, neither of us has been able to come up with or find a sleep plan that we feel comfortable with.

I refuse to let my little girl "cry it out." I just won't do it. She looks and sounds terrified when she wakes up alone in her crib, and there is no way I am going to leave her there scared and lonely when one of us could pick her up and comfort her. And her dad is an even bigger softy than I am. He usually has her out of the crib already by the time I fully wake up at night and realize she's crying.

Also, I enjoy nursing her to sleep. It's cuddly. It's bonding time. She isn't going to be a baby forever. I have to get in all the cuddles I can!

But it isn't easy. When she wakes up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep, one of us always has to get up with her. She doesn't need to eat at night any more. She regularly goes 7 or 8 hours at night without eating, but she is still waking up regularly. She went for almost a month back in January where she slept very well in her crib, but no more!

Living Far From Home - Things I Didn't See Coming

Where we live is one area of my life where I constantly need to be reminded to trust God. My husband and I have lived at least 300 miles away from both of our families and all of our childhood and young adult friends for the entirety of our married life. We moved away a week after our wedding, since our college was 300 miles away. After college we moved to seminary where my husband continues to study to become a pastor. We now live 500 miles away from our hometown. This summer we move again, and we could be going anywhere in the country as Jonathan goes on vicarage, a one-year internship-like program where he works under a supervising pastor at a church in our church body. Then we'll be back here for one more year of grad school, and after that we will be placed with a church that could be anywhere in the country for his first call as a pastor.


Before we got married I had no idea what it would be like to live so far away from family and friends. I thought it would be hard, but it sounded adventurous too. I was excited about it to a great extent. Today, not so much. Now to be clear, I am absolutely passionate about my husband's call to ministry. I happen to think he's going to be an incredible pastor. I am happy to be here with him while he studies, and I can't wait to see where we end up and how we end up serving God and the church in the next few years. It will be wonderful, and a great opportunity for us to grow in our faith and reliance on God. But one thing I don't like at all is being far from family.

Here are some things I didn't know, realize, or think about before moving away from "home." Anyone who has ever moved away will probably be able to relate. It is so hard!