Ugly Thoughts to Joyful Thanks

I am a very blessed person. I have been given a wonderful husband, daughter, family, and plans for the future. I love my life these days. I love my family of three. I can't wait for Jonathan's vicarage this upcoming year. God has been very generous in his gifts to me and my family.

But I must confess something. I want to be honest, to be transparent, and to give a faithful portrayal of my story and my experiences with infertility. That was what this blog was started to be about. I know that many readers who have also been there read this blog, and I want you to know that if you can relate to this then you are not alone. What I am about to admit may be a little too honest or a little too ugly, but I am a sinner, and I am human, and this is real.

Faith and Family Series - Jonathan's Family

After a couple Mondays off, I would like to return to the Faith and Family series for a special edition post! I have always wanted to feature my husband as a guest-poster and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. As the spiritual head of our family, what he has to say on this topic is very important to me, and I am excited to be able to introduce my husband, Jonathan, first-hand to my readers.

Also, today is his birthday, so what more fitting way to say "happy birthday" than to give him the floor and let him share about our family?

Pregnancy, Adoption, Our Plans, and God's Plans

Two years ago Jonathan and I were preparing to move to a new city where I would start a new job and he would start at a new school. We had just graduated from college and were in a time of transition. Two years ago we were also staring infertility in the face. We had been trying to conceive for over a year and had absolutely nothing to show for it except a lot of stress, tears, and confusion. I was turning 22 years old, and while others my age either had starting a family on the far horizon or were already having children, I was in crisis realizing that my own plans and expectations were not going to be met. I felt so lonely; no one I knew was facing this, and I thought that no one understood what I was going through.

Sleeping Well Without Sleep Training

When you have your first baby nothing will have prepared you for the havoc that baby will wreak on your sleep. People talk all the time about how little sleep parents of newborns get. People say silly things like, "Sleep extra now while you can" or "Store up lots of sleep before the baby gets here." If you are expecting a baby, you will be warned many times about the sleep deprivation in your future, but you won't be prepared. Nothing can really prepare you for not sleeping, and nothing can really fix the fact that you will go through those first few months with hardly any sleep to fall back on.

Of course, it does get better. But  while I'm guessing that no other phase is quite like the first couple months, parenthood in general is not a time of carefree, plentiful sleep.

Almost four months ago I wrote this post: Sleep Training - Yes or No? Four months ago I had a sweet little baby who was capable of sleeping for 7 hours at a time, (or going 7 hours without nursing), but could not put herself to sleep at all. Every single time she woke up during the night she cried, and either my husband or I would have to get up and help lull her back to sleep. Then when she did fall back asleep, about 90% of the time, if you set her down in her crib she would wake up and continue to cry.

It was hard. We talked about sleep training daily, but we didn't want to do it. Like I discussed in my post, it didn't feel right for us and it didn't feel right for her. We ended up coming up with a somewhat awkward co-sleeping arrangement involving the couch, my husband and I not sleeping in the same bed for a while, and our daughter essentially being held all night long while she slept. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't get her to sleep in her crib.

When We Regret Our Words

I am not a perfect person.

No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all say things we regret from time to time, or sometimes more often than that. And yet, I find myself almost always more willing to accept that other people aren't perfect than that I am not perfect. My own failings bother me so much more than the same failings would bother me in someone else.

My entire life, I have been a very talkative person. I talk a lot, I say a lot of things, and I all too often say exactly what I'm thinking with minimal filtering. And unfortunately, what I'm thinking is not always nice. Sometimes what feels even worse is saying only a part of what I'm thinking in the most blunt way, only to realize later that I may have hurt someone I care about's feelings or been misunderstood in a way that I do not intend to be.

For some reason, it is very hard for me to let go of moments where I wish I had said something differently or not said anything at all. There are still conversations I had with friends in 3rd grade that I remember word-for-word, because I hurt someone's feelings and I regretted it.