A Tale of Four Octobers

October 2011

This is my last semester of real college classes. Next semester I student teach. I am focusing on senior seminar, classes, and helping my husband fill out seminary applications. And yet, although only a few people know this, all I can think about is having a baby. Each month the disappointment feels just a little stronger. Each month I spend part of that day that dashes all my hopes in tears.

We have been trying for almost six months now. It wasn't in the original plan to have a baby so soon, but the more we talk about it as a couple, the more convicted we are that using birth control is not right for us and is not trusting God with our future. And then somehow "not preventing" turned into "trying" and now we're approaching the six month mark and I'm beginning to worry.

Some of my friends and acquaintances who got married when we did are pregnant now. Most of them weren't even trying, which stings a little. We're young, and this is supposed to be easy. I've read the statistics that say that 80% of women my age get pregnant within the first six months of trying. 7-10% deal with infertility. The numbers are starting to look concerning as we hit that six month mark this month, but my husband isn't worried yet. I am determined to follow his lead and stay positive. It's going to happen any month now.

Discontent Despite the Blessings?

Today is one of those days where I've been feeling overwhelmed. I have found myself spending much of my time today wishing for things - anything from thinking back over past experiences and wishing they had been better to worrying about things far in the future. 

If I were asked to describe my life right now, I would have wonderful things to say about it.

Can We Really "Do It All"?

Where did all those summer days go? In some ways each day was just like the one before and the one after, and yet but each one was so special. How can it be that my little girl has been moving around, exploring, and playing on her own for over four months now? How can it be that the whole summer went by, all those walks, the sunshine, the easy afternoons cuddling my daughter and nursing her to sleep, then after nap time waiting expectantly for "Daddy" to get home, then dinner together, then a quiet evening or perhaps another walk or outing... The whole summer went by like that, and now here we are - it is fall, and we are just a month away from a first birthday party.

What was I doing with all of those days?

I look at my beautiful daughter these days, and I am in awe of how smart she is, how well she understands me, how much she loves life. She is such a happy, energetic little girl, and I wish I could see the world through her eyes. I spend so much of my day with her, and yet looking back, I wonder how many of those summer days with her slipped by me while I worked on getting things done in spite of her.

How Do You Discipline a Baby?

I sense that I am entering a whole new realm of parenting. This past week or so it is like a switch has gone off with our little lady. She strikes me each day as being so much more grown up! She understands so much of what I say, knows what she is and is not supposed to do to a large extent, problem solves and plays with her toys so intelligently... Watching her go through her day I keep getting the feeling that my baby is less and less of a baby and more of a... child? Toddler? Kid? While she still has plenty of "baby" moments, I feel like the word no longer accurately describes her.

Back in June I wrote about the easy phase - the early days of increasing independence but she was still not crawling. She was keeping to a routine but still hadn't learned about her boundaries. She was easy. Simple to parent. All she needed was love, food, cuddles, sleep, diaper changes... 

As I said, a switch has gone off. All of a sudden I feel the need for discipline. She is starting to test her limits. She knows what things she is not allowed to play with, and intentionally seeks them out when she knows I cannot see her. Sometimes she drops food off the side of her high chair just to get attention. She knows that I don't want her to do that, and I know she knows, because if I look at her and say, "Sweetie, don't drop your cup please. We don't drop our cups," she will usually pull it back up onto her tray. She knows that "We don't stand up in the bathtub" and that "We don't chew on cords." Sometimes she does what she knows she should, and sometimes she doesn't. And I know that this is just the beginning. 

My Experience with Breastfeeding in Public

When I first brought my baby girl home from the hospital, like most new moms, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't go out and breastfeed on-the-go for at least a couple weeks, mostly because I didn't know how to do it. Between the tiny baby, the awkward cover-up blankets, and the fact that I was still working out the kinks of breastfeeding to begin with, it just felt daunting. Add to that the worry that those around me might feel awkward, stare, or react in some way I could't predict to me feeding my baby, and I just wanted to stay home. Eventually I ventured out with my baby and my little blankets to cover up with, and as time went on I got more and more comfortable. These days I breastfeed pretty much whenever or wherever I want to, sometimes I ditch the blanket, and I feel pretty secure in almost any setting.

Breastfeeding in public... just throw the phrase out there in a room of parents and everyone will have an opinion. If I am honest people on both polar sides of the issue strike a nerve with me. On one hand there are those who would rather a mother remove herself from just about any social situation before she discretely nurse her child while out and about. On the other hand there are the mothers who seem to imply from their loud cries for equality and fairness that all "truly liberated and self-confident" women should feel comfortable just sitting down and nursing, cover or no cover, in any setting regardless of who else is there or what is going on! I find myself (as always) somewhere in the middle of the issue, but unclear as to exactly what I think at times. This post is just a few of my thoughts and experiences on breastfeeding in public.

I was raised with a strong sense of modesty when it comes to dress and appearance, but I also believe in doing what is best for my kid no matter what those around me think. So sometimes I choose to be discreet because it makes me feel more comfortable, but sometimes I just do what is best for my baby and feed her wherever and whenever she expresses hunger. There are of course situations that have come up that have made me feel uncomfortable. Some of the more uncomfortable moments have included: